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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect food to still be there if I've said no to eating it?

365 replies

User3billion · 19/09/2022 10:53

Is it OK to have food in the house that belongs to a specific person?!

For instance this weekend eldest was away on camp & two youngest wanted crepes (just a cheap packet of ready made ones). Last night when eldest got back he asked if he could have one.... I said no as it was nearly dinner time and they'd been bought for the little ones.

There were two left in the pack - went to get the youngest one this morning as she asked for it for breakfast and eldest has eaten BOTH. He's also denied it but it couldn't be anyone else.

I've had chocolate bought for my birthday recently and eldest has helped themselves (I wouldn't mind but I've shared it when I've been eating it so it's not as if I've been selfish). They don't care that it's not theirs, if it's not hidden, they eat it.

There's plenty of other food in the house that they're welcome to help themselves to.... bread, cooked meats, cheese, a selection of cereals, fruit, yogurt etc

So am I being unreasonable saying that if something is bought for someone else it should still be there for them to eat?!

OP posts:
GoneWithTheWine1 · 19/09/2022 12:25

User3billion · 19/09/2022 12:20

Wow, there's a lot of reading between the lines here. Small one hadn't had 4, given there are 3 kids in the house when they're all here - they each had one Saturday morning & one Sunday morning.
Eldest wasn't denied the pancakes altogether, but why is it OK for them to eat both (without checking if the little one wanted one), they could have had one each & then any of the variety of other foods on offer.
Some of the other foods are also sweet.... chocolate flavour cereal, the yogurts are the corner pots with chocolate pieces in the corner, there's Nutella in the cupboard for toast.
The kids doesn't have to ask for snacks/breakfast items, they just have to be mindful of the fact they're not the only person in the house.
There are no "favourites" in the house.

But the youngest already had two! So why can't the eldest have two? They are hardly filling.

Better yet you could of cooked some more would of taken you all of 5 minutes!

MyneighbourisTotoro · 19/09/2022 12:25

My two know they can’t eat someone’s else treat food unless it’s been shared with them but everything else is fine. I don’t understand why the eldest couldn’t have any pancakes though

Moonatics · 19/09/2022 12:26

Nekomata · 19/09/2022 11:41

There's obviously a reason for the child's behaviour. Some people do have issues with self-control or binge-eating behaviour. I think you need to understand why they eat food which they've been told not to eat.

I think it's the age, 14 is a very hungry time in a childs life. I remember being that age and I remember mine being that age.
As for eating the crepes, hardly the offence of a lifetime, I would only mind if buying more was an issue either getting to the shops or finding money for more.
Otherwise I'd let it go. Pick your battles.

Original poster
User3billion · 19/09/2022 12:26

The other 2 didn't get 2 nights away on camp, am I being unfair to them too then?? 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 19/09/2022 12:27

You'll not win @User3billion this is MN. I'm just surprised you've not been accused of being the evil stepmum or OW yet.

steppemum · 19/09/2022 12:28

I think there are a few things here which are getting conflated.

If I have told one of my kids no- you can't eat that, I would expect them not ot eat it and be cross that they had.
Doesn't actually matter the reason, as a 14 year old living in a house where I am buying/cooking, yes I sometimes say that food it not for you or not for now.

I would be particulalry cross about things which were giving for a birthday, not becuase they are mine, but because eating it shows a fundamental lack of respect to the other person.

Lots of people are getting hung up on the fact that he wasn't allowed a crepe and the younger ones were, and think these are weird food rules etc. Well, we sometimes have things in the house bought for one person. Ds likes this cereal, dd2 only eats this thing for breakfast, dd1 takes a panini in for break time. The rule is, please don't eat their last one, and if you want them too, let me know so I can buy more, but don't eat the last one, because that is their breakfast and they come downstairs and find they have no breakfast.
There are 5 people with different tastes in the house and sometimes we accommodate that and it is basic consideration for the others in the house to think about the others before they scoff the last one. It is hardly as if there is no other food or they are starving. It is pure consideration for others.
By the same token, no-one is allowed to finish the milk so there is none for my morning cup of tea 😁

Noteverybodylives · 19/09/2022 12:28

I think it’s very unfair that different children are brought different treat foods.

The only exception woul be if they each get to pick out a different treat and then they should only eat their chosen treat, not their siblings.

Birthday chocolates, chosen treats or foods that they both had but one had saved theirs - should all be off limits.

But this isn’t what happened and there was only 2 left leaning the others had had theirs and he would assume that the others were saved for him, like anyone would.

Whiskeypowers · 19/09/2022 12:29

All this over some fucking pancakes?!

Original poster
User3billion · 19/09/2022 12:31

@CornishGem1975 someone has already asked if they're all my DC (they are) or if they're stepDC

OP posts:
Original poster
User3billion · 19/09/2022 12:32

Whiskeypowers · 19/09/2022 12:29

All this over some fucking pancakes?!

And yet here you are commenting on the thread! 🤔

OP posts:
gingercat02 · 19/09/2022 12:32

Stripedbag101 · 19/09/2022 12:03

My parents had these weird rules about food. I now have an eating disorder.

tou bough a packet of pancakes. That isn’t really a treat it’s a breakfast food. You told your son he could have one before tea - reasonable - so he had two for breakfast also reasonable.

one crepe isn’t enough for a 14 year old for breakfast.

why would a packet of pancakes only belong to the little children.

why are you creating such emotion around food?

My 14 year old has had pancakes this morning. Don't know how many but 100g flour 2 eggs 200mls milk, so lots. One wouldn't cut it for anyone for actual breakfast.

aSofaNearYou · 19/09/2022 12:34

I think the crepe example wasn't too bad, but the birthday chocolate example is. I'd be having words about taking food that belongs to somebody else without asking.

stayathomer · 19/09/2022 12:35

Your birthday chocolate was totally out of order, it was given to you and you shared it around, Id really hammer that one home- if they got a present you wouldn’t eat it, make it, use it etc., but the crepes? I think that’s fair game for the house, it’s like saying I’m only giving eg yoghurts to the younger ones

Noteverybodylives · 19/09/2022 12:37

they each had one Saturday morning & one Sunday morning.

Eldest wasn't denied the pancakes altogether, but why is it OK for them to eat both

So the two youngest ones had 2.
And then the eldest had 2.

That is fair.

Youre saying the eldest should have only had 1 and given the other to sibling.

But that means one of them would have had 3 and the one at a sleep over would only have had 2 - which in your opinion wouldn’t be fair if they were brought equally for the 2 youngest.

In situations like this it’s always better to do things as fair as possible.

RJnomore1 · 19/09/2022 12:39

But it’s in no way a fair situation - child 1 had a camp and 2 pancakes, child 2 had a sleepover and 2 pancakes, and child 3 only got a couple of pancakes. Rigid splitting of food is completely bonkers.

Tsort · 19/09/2022 12:39

User3billion · 19/09/2022 11:39

I'm using "they" to mean eldest in this instance. Eldest is 14 and was away for the weekend on camp (with spending money for the tuck shop) when the crepes were bought for the younger ones.

Middle slept out last night with my DSis & cousins so there were 2 kids in the house this morning. If eldest had eaten just one pancake & offered the other one to the youngest I'd have been fine with that. It was eating BOTH that was the issue. It definitely wasn't DH as he was still in bed.

There are very few foods in the house that are "off limits". The eldest had malt loaf in the house too (I'd forgotten until he came to get a slice around 11ish), that's something that eldest requests and is just for them. No-one else will take it, so I don't see why the same respect isn't returned.

So, they’ve stolen something (I consider this stealing) and lied about it.

What are you going to do about it?

Hopeandlove · 19/09/2022 12:40

Food for one but not for the other no
food that’s a present taken eg chocolates would be theft here

if I buy myself a really nice steak as a treat I buy us all steak

Paparazzicrap · 19/09/2022 12:40

Aargh why do people do this? Restricting kids' food can lead to so many issues. In our house, it's help yourself but put it on the list so it can be replaced for everyone else.

Stripedbag101 · 19/09/2022 12:41

User3billion · 19/09/2022 12:26

The other 2 didn't get 2 nights away on camp, am I being unfair to them too then?? 🤦‍♀️

This is odd. I am really puzzled as to why crepes aren’t considered a treat to make up for an age appropriate trip? Will the younger ones not get this trip when they are older?

your son are two pancakes. I think a lot of teenage boys would eat a huge breakfast. Getting. So worked up about two crepes sounds like you have control issues around food.

i remember being shamed a lot about food when I was a teen. I spent a lot of time with younger cousins and there was always this talk about how much I ate compared to them. People do so much damage around food with kids and teens.

he ate two pancakes. He didn’t steal their Santa toys.

please let this go. Two pancakes is perfectly reasonable for a teenage boy. Saying he can’t have pancakes because they are a special treat for his younger siblings is really odd - it’s fairly standard food.

Summerfun54321 · 19/09/2022 12:47

What are you teaching your kids allowing some to have treats and not others? Have you forgotten the concept of sharing? Your eldest was right to ignore your ridiculousness.

Jaaxe · 19/09/2022 12:47

I think there’s a few things reasonable and unreasonable….
I think it’s unreasonable for you to say he can’t have any crepes at all in the first instance he asked. My kids have things that I buy that one child likes more than the others but they have to share everything and wouldn’t deny one child out of 3 something.
i think it’s reasonable for you to be annoyed he disobeyed you and ate both so there was none for the other child which you’d told him they were for so he essentially didn’t care.
i think it’s unreasonable he’s eaten your birthday chocolates without asking and you are reasonable to be annoyed he did that.

mountainsunsets · 19/09/2022 12:50

User3billion · 19/09/2022 12:26

The other 2 didn't get 2 nights away on camp, am I being unfair to them too then?? 🤦‍♀️

The camp issue is irrelevant to the crepe situation, though.

The youngest had already had two crepes - it's only fair that the oldest got two as well. YABVU.

Gozleme · 19/09/2022 12:52

Birthday chocolate is wrong.

Crepes - you were in the wrong.

I have an older teenager (17) and younger ones. When I buy something in a pack that is seen as a treat food the rule is one each and they to ask if they want one after that, and only one a day (thinking of things like yazoo milkshake drinks, or innocent smoothies where one of them would drink 6 in a day of they get the chance!)

The same with something like a big pack of raspberries - have some but don’t have a whole pack without checking to see if anyone else had some already.

I could argue that some of them are more “children’s snacks” or that the 17 year old is working and can buy his own snacks/I bought him festivals tickets but not the little ones etc... but they are all my DC and it would be a bit mean to behave like that towards him about food.

Your DS was probably hungry after camp. Next time just pop into Lidl and get several packs, they aren’t expensive

BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 19/09/2022 12:52

I think it is unreasonable to finish a pack of something nice without checking. And I think it's massively unreasonable for a 14 year old to eat your birthday chocolate, they're old enough to understand that it's not theirs.

Rowen32 · 19/09/2022 12:52

Why can't all the food in the house be for everyone? That seems the most fair.. Like a PP said I think it's got the potential to create issues around food...if you set up these rules that to me don't make sense and are mean and unfair...

On the birthday chocolate did you specifically say no one is allowed to eat this? I still think its mean though, why can't you share? Or else don't let them see it at all and only take it out when they're gone to bed..

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