Page 11 | To expect food to still be there if I've said no to eating it?

User3billion · 2022-09-19T09:53:51+00:00

Is it OK to have food in the house that belongs to a specific person?! For instance this weekend eldest was away on camp & two youngest wanted crepes (just a cheap packet of ready made ones). Last night when eldest got back he asked if he could have one.... I said no as it was nearly dinner time and they'd been bought for the little ones. There were two left in the pack - went to get the youngest one this morning as she asked for it for breakfast and eldest has eaten BOTH. He's also denied it but it couldn't be anyone else. I've had chocolate bought for my birthday recently and eldest has helped themselves (I wouldn't mind but I've shared it when I've been eating it so it's not as if I've been selfish). They don't care that it's not theirs, if it's not hidden, they eat it. There's plenty of other food in the house that they're welcome to help themselves to.... bread, cooked meats, cheese, a selection of cereals, fruit, yogurt etc So am I being unreasonable saying that if something is bought for someone else it should still be there for them to eat?!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/09/2022 00:29

And I agree with those saying one person can’t just hoover up all the nice stuff because they get to it quicker. There should be fair shares for everyone, and those who eat “treats” slower shouldn’t miss out.

This is why I think OP is unreasonable- the little ones had had their share of pancakes. Those if anything should have been being saved for the eldest.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 20/09/2022 01:27

My DS is 13 and exactly the same. Its very frustrating.

Original poster

User3billion · 20/09/2022 07:13

Some of these responses have been hilarious & some quite frankly a little concerning.

Thank you to those who've realised it's not simply about the pancakes, they were just an example. 🤦‍♀️

I love how as adults we apparently shouldn't have a stash of chocs for ourselves but a bottle of whiskey would be OK (I'm sure my teetotal husband would whole heartedly agree).

My eldest is definitely not hard done by, he took 2 packets of sweets on camp plus £5 spending money, guess what, he didn't bring any of the sweets back for his siblings (nor would I have expected him to) and in part why I didn't think he should be allowed to just tuck straight into their stuff.

On the way home from camp we'd called at a local dessert shop, eldest & youngest had a milkshake - middle one got nothing as she was already with DSis - by mumsnet reckoning I should have also bought her something to to have on her return then?!

He doesn't have to ask for every snack, there's always food available. I thought I'd made that clear but evidently not seeing as how controlling I apparently am. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Autumndays123 · 20/09/2022 08:18

User3billion · 20/09/2022 07:13

Some of these responses have been hilarious & some quite frankly a little concerning.

Thank you to those who've realised it's not simply about the pancakes, they were just an example. 🤦‍♀️

I love how as adults we apparently shouldn't have a stash of chocs for ourselves but a bottle of whiskey would be OK (I'm sure my teetotal husband would whole heartedly agree).

My eldest is definitely not hard done by, he took 2 packets of sweets on camp plus £5 spending money, guess what, he didn't bring any of the sweets back for his siblings (nor would I have expected him to) and in part why I didn't think he should be allowed to just tuck straight into their stuff.

On the way home from camp we'd called at a local dessert shop, eldest & youngest had a milkshake - middle one got nothing as she was already with DSis - by mumsnet reckoning I should have also bought her something to to have on her return then?!

He doesn't have to ask for every snack, there's always food available. I thought I'd made that clear but evidently not seeing as how controlling I apparently am. 🤷‍♀️

If you think the pancake situation is the same as taking two of your children for milkshake when one is at a sleepover, you're either deliberately being obtuse or a total lost cause.

Sorry most of the people of this thread didn't jump on the bandwagon to slag your 14 year old off OP. You must be disappointed

Autumndays123 · 20/09/2022 08:19

And again, you clearly do not think you're being unreasonable in the slightest and have become defensive towards anyone who has pointed out that you are.....so the point of this thread was?

Oblomov22 · 20/09/2022 08:25

Yes of course this is ok. And everyone knows deep down if it's bought for someone else. It's just wrong.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/09/2022 09:00

TheOrigRights · 19/09/2022 23:38

I agree with you steppmum

I've also just done my online shop.
DS2 gets a cereal bar that he has every morning. I'm not going to just help myself. Same with his isotonic drink. He'd be rightly upset if he went to get one for a football match and some bugger had taken the last one.
I've got a pack of 2 finger kitkats. I'll keep them hidden so they last a few days.
There's a yoghurt I like for my breakfast, so I've got 5 of them. DS2 knows not to eat them.
Isn't that how all families work?
It breaks down at times when e.g. he'll eat the cooked chicken legs cold for lunch when I was planning on making an evening meal with them, but that's an issue of meal planning rather than helping himself to something specifically for someone else.

He'd ask if he could have a Birthday chocolate.

And it's not about the crepe, it's the respect for others that the issue.
If I asked him not to take my Sensodyne toothpaste overnight I'd be mad if he did, even if he left the regular toothpaste. Doesn't mean I am controlling or have a toothpaste disorder. Same with my special hair conditioner. He doesn't need to use my fancy one.

Surely no one can see this as unreasonable ?!

and those that say every single item in the house is for everyone …. Well it can’t be really can it?!

CornishGem1975 · 20/09/2022 09:19

Imagine living in a house where you WEREN'T allowed to have something for yourself.

HopingNotCoping · 20/09/2022 09:41

Most of the food in our house is kept in the kitchen and is for everyone (with a general expectation of fairness - no one should be snaffling all of something in one go without checking no one else wants it!).

But we all have some food (and drinks for adults) that are specifically our own (we keep it separate from the kitchen to make it clear). Presents, party bag sweets, Halloween hauls etc.

If one of my children is having one kind of treat (like a camp!) I have no issue with giving other children a different one (like crepes) and I wouldn't expect them to have to share if they didn't eat it quick enough. I think teaching children self control around food is a really valuable lesson.

Original poster

User3billion · 20/09/2022 09:44

@Autumndays123 I think you need to speak to someone about your issues hun. You've clearly not processed your childhood trauma.

OP posts:

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/09/2022 12:49

Autumndays123 · 20/09/2022 08:19

And again, you clearly do not think you're being unreasonable in the slightest and have become defensive towards anyone who has pointed out that you are.....so the point of this thread was?

@Autumndays123

she isn’t being unreasonable though

Autumndays123 · 20/09/2022 12:50

User3billion · 20/09/2022 09:44

@Autumndays123 I think you need to speak to someone about your issues hun. You've clearly not processed your childhood trauma.

The fact that you just used the word 'hun' I think can bring this thread to a close. We all know now exactly the type of person you are.

Autumndays123 · 20/09/2022 12:51

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/09/2022 12:49

@Autumndays123

she isn’t being unreasonable though

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She is. If some people on this thread have no issue with favouritism, over zealous control and disregard of the child's feelings in their parenting, then they will obviously not see it as an issue.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/09/2022 12:56

Autumndays123 · 20/09/2022 12:51

She is. If some people on this thread have no issue with favouritism, over zealous control and disregard of the child's feelings in their parenting, then they will obviously not see it as an issue.

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@Autumndays123

its a crepe! He was asked not to eat it. He had had special weekend treats so had his siblings , just cos his siblings didn’t eat all theirs in one go doesn’t mean that it’s fair game for their older brother to have them! There is such a thing as saving for another day you know

likeiwse his mums birthday chocs - he shouldn’t have eaten them as they were a present to his mum

I think you’re overstating

Autumndays123 · 20/09/2022 13:02

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/09/2022 12:56

@Autumndays123

its a crepe! He was asked not to eat it. He had had special weekend treats so had his siblings , just cos his siblings didn’t eat all theirs in one go doesn’t mean that it’s fair game for their older brother to have them! There is such a thing as saving for another day you know

likeiwse his mums birthday chocs - he shouldn’t have eaten them as they were a present to his mum

I think you’re overstating

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You're right, it is just a crepe!

The OP is trying her very hardest to make her son out to be the bad guy 'but, but he was in camp', 'but but we went for a milkshake because one was in a sleepover'. I think she knows full well she was being unreasonable and posted a thread on here hoping that a load of randoms would start telling what a horrible child her son is. Very odd behaviour in itself. If OP had asked for opinions and then said something like "I hadn't thought of X or Y, that's a good point, perhaps I will reflect" I'd understand, but nope she wanted posters to slag off her son. Very very odd behaviour.

The crux of the matter is, she bought treats for two of her children. If they'd eaten those treats before the son arrived home, that's fine. Literally not a problem. That is not what happened. The other children each had two pancakes each. The son arrived home and there were two left. He wanted them so asked if he could have them. OP said no, you have to do without so your siblings can have three portions (even though one of them wasn't even going to be there the next day as they were off for a sleepover).

It's all about control and a certain element of victim mentality.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/09/2022 13:05

Autumndays123 · 20/09/2022 13:02

You're right, it is just a crepe!

The OP is trying her very hardest to make her son out to be the bad guy 'but, but he was in camp', 'but but we went for a milkshake because one was in a sleepover'. I think she knows full well she was being unreasonable and posted a thread on here hoping that a load of randoms would start telling what a horrible child her son is. Very odd behaviour in itself. If OP had asked for opinions and then said something like "I hadn't thought of X or Y, that's a good point, perhaps I will reflect" I'd understand, but nope she wanted posters to slag off her son. Very very odd behaviour.

The crux of the matter is, she bought treats for two of her children. If they'd eaten those treats before the son arrived home, that's fine. Literally not a problem. That is not what happened. The other children each had two pancakes each. The son arrived home and there were two left. He wanted them so asked if he could have them. OP said no, you have to do without so your siblings can have three portions (even though one of them wasn't even going to be there the next day as they were off for a sleepover).

It's all about control and a certain element of victim mentality.

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@Autumndays123

sigh

it’s not

it’s about the fact that you don’t have to eat a treat all in one go or risk someone else eating it

it’s as simple as that

JazbayGrapes · 20/09/2022 13:29

It's all about control and a certain element of victim mentality.

Maybe not that, just a massive overreaction.
Something like happens in our house - i say - guys, this is not cool. Now there is no more icecream until the next weekly shopping. Or - now go to the shop and get a replacement right now.
And forget about it at the end of the day. Can't imagine holding a grudge over a morsel of food.

stayathomer · 20/09/2022 14:02

It's all about control and a certain element of victim mentality.
possibly a tad bit of an overstatement!!! (Do you have teenagers?!) OP posted because that happened, I’m sure we’re the only ones that are even carrying this conversation on, life in op’s house is probably well back to normal!! Mn can be so overdramatic sometimes!!

Original poster

User3billion · 20/09/2022 14:57

@Autumndays123
People who know me irl know that I despise the word 'hun' but your blatant projection & complete and utter overreaction warranted the use of the word.

As it happens, you didn't answer the question
I asked - was it unreasonable to expect to have food in the house, belonging to a single person - you launched straight into a tale of your own childhood trauma whereby you'd been forced to watch siblings eat a delicious looking cake, whilst yourself being denied it and then later scalded for taking a piece without asking.

I made no reference to berating my son, mainly because I didn't, but you didn't ask & immediately jumped to me being akin to your abusive father.

I'm frustrated at the fact I often go to the fridge/cupboard to get something to eat and there's none of it left and I've not had any of it. What's worse, as in the example case of the pancakes, is that the outer packaging is there, lulling me into a false sense of security that the whatever it is I fancy is still there for me to have some of.

I have read and taken on board lots of the comments and I'm living in hope that one day my kids will either learn to throw away the packaging, hence alerting me to the fact there is none of a particular item left, or better still, they say 'Mum, just a heads up, I took the last.......'

I didn't expect everyone to agree, this is Mumsnet AIBU after all, it'd be foolish of anyone to expect 100% support. However, neither did I expect to be accused of being an abusive parent based on the little information you have.

OP posts:

Original poster

User3billion · 20/09/2022 15:05

And fwiw, the people who said "it's what (some) teens do" were far more helpful, because it made me think that perhaps I am being a bit harsh on him. Perhaps I need to work on the letting me know there's none left angle so I'm able to manage the expectations of the little one and/or send him to the shop whichever is appropriate.

Also, it will still never be ok for him/anyone else to nick my chocolate. It's mine and it's practically a hanging offence to assume otherwise

OP posts:

sueelleker · 20/09/2022 17:05

Belladonnamama · 19/09/2022 11:17

I wouldn't prioritise one child over the other when it comes to sweets or treats. It's equal share in my home. Eldest should not have eaten your birthday chocolate but its hardly the end of the world. Any chocolate I receive I share it with all the family. I wouldn't leave it out for others to eat if it was something I particularly liked.

So if the child had been given birthday chocolates, to your way of thinking it's OK if his mother eats them then?

CountryMouse22 · 20/09/2022 18:07

I'd be more concerned about the eldest telling lies.

Thefsm · 20/09/2022 18:21

The two examples are different. With the crepes, the eldest waited until after the youngest had eaten them for dinner, and as two were left, ate them. In this case you are being unreasonable to be upset as once the others had their first dibs, the left overs were fair game.

with your birthday chocolates, this is reasonable to be upset about. But teens often have poor self control over food especially treats. Ask them not to eat anything unless it is in shared areas in future.

Kazza26Mc · 20/09/2022 18:23

Is it too cheeky to offer 200k on a property thats listed for 215k ?
My son is buying his first property, and its a bit of a stretch to say the least. I am helping him as much as I can, but he's unable to offer the full asking price. Not sure if it will be just rejected outright, but surely its worth a punt?

ladyluck13 · 20/09/2022 18:26

Some right proper over reactions from people here..Presumably because the eldest was away for the weekend you were expecting the kiddies lil treats to have been eaten before he noticed. Nabbing the last 2 and lying about it just smacks of being a brat imo (if i cant have it, no-one can lol). With little kids I can understand the importance of sharing equally to avoid arguments, but at 14, surely he could have found another 'treat' in the house to satisfy his snacking needs.