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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect food to still be there if I've said no to eating it?

365 replies

User3billion · 19/09/2022 10:53

Is it OK to have food in the house that belongs to a specific person?!

For instance this weekend eldest was away on camp & two youngest wanted crepes (just a cheap packet of ready made ones). Last night when eldest got back he asked if he could have one.... I said no as it was nearly dinner time and they'd been bought for the little ones.

There were two left in the pack - went to get the youngest one this morning as she asked for it for breakfast and eldest has eaten BOTH. He's also denied it but it couldn't be anyone else.

I've had chocolate bought for my birthday recently and eldest has helped themselves (I wouldn't mind but I've shared it when I've been eating it so it's not as if I've been selfish). They don't care that it's not theirs, if it's not hidden, they eat it.

There's plenty of other food in the house that they're welcome to help themselves to.... bread, cooked meats, cheese, a selection of cereals, fruit, yogurt etc

So am I being unreasonable saying that if something is bought for someone else it should still be there for them to eat?!

OP posts:
SillySausage81 · 19/09/2022 16:12

mathanxiety · 19/09/2022 15:42

Yes, of course you can have things of your own when you're a parent.

But chocolate?

Never heard of nice chocolate? Poor you. We're not talking about a Mars Bar here mate.

GeorgiaGK · 19/09/2022 16:19

I've got to be honest... when I was a teenager I probably would have eaten the whole pack 😆

Ilovesandwiches · 19/09/2022 16:23

I see how it’s unfair eldest wasn’t allowed them when the younger ones were, does seem unfair to me.

Ilovesandwiches · 19/09/2022 16:24

However also agree that you should be able to have chocolate for yourself without it being eaten!

Sideorderofchips · 19/09/2022 16:26

Op I'm with you

Eldest was at camp. They had tuck shop there.

You bought the crepes as a treat for the younger two. Yes they might go to camp when they are older but that is probably a long way off.

It would have been good manners for your eldest to check that it was OK for them to eat them.

I have 3 kids. All the food in the house is for all of them. But they still have to manners to check if something is running low that it's OK for them to eat them and they aren't eating something for lunch boxes or something.

JazbayGrapes · 19/09/2022 16:29

Its one of these things which may be annoying, but kids be kids. If its your precious chocolate - you need to keep it out of reach, like at work.

Cameleongirl · 19/09/2022 17:59

mathanxiety · 19/09/2022 15:38

@LuckySantangelo35

It's chocolate. Not a bottle of whiskey.

She's a grown up. Do adults really need chocolate so badly that they keep their special stash from their family members?

I'm genuinely baffled by this. What is it his hoarding of unhealthy food teaching children?

My DH has some chocolate I bought in Duty Free hidden in his wardrobe. It's our favorite type of chocolate- the previous time I bought some, I left it downstairs for everyone to enjoy and my two teenagers gobbled it all up in 24 hours! So this time, it's for parental consumption only. 😂

DD (17) has a lovely way of ensuring that something she wants isn't eaten by her brother. She writes a note saying, "This has been licked" and places it by the slice of cake or pie, for example. I don't know whether she really does lick things, but it's effective.

lightisnotwhite · 19/09/2022 18:07

Being greedy isn’t a given. My DS would no more take something random out the fridge or cupboard than he would take £10 left on the side. It’s not his it’s ours. He asks first if he doesn’t know if it’s up for grabs.
I will ask him if I want to nick some of his chocolate stack ( he has loads as he’s not fussed about it).

Cameleongirl · 19/09/2022 18:12

@lightisnotwhite Mine are greedy, I'm afraid. They play alot of sport and are constantly hungry. It's only got like this since they became teenagers, so I'm hoping they'll grow out of this self-absorbed phase, we do call them out on it when it happens.

But, as I can only buy this chocolate in Duty Free, I decided to hide the second lot as a precaution.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/09/2022 18:16

JazbayGrapes · 19/09/2022 16:29

Its one of these things which may be annoying, but kids be kids. If its your precious chocolate - you need to keep it out of reach, like at work.

@JazbayGrapes

not all kids are greedy and selfish and those that are can be encouraged out of it with good parenting

lightisnotwhite · 19/09/2022 18:17

@Cameleongirl your house, your rules. I don’t care if yours eat the furniture.
I’m saying it’s not a given that’s all.
But yes, hide the good chocolate if you need to.

Cameleongirl · 19/09/2022 18:31

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/09/2022 18:16

@JazbayGrapes

not all kids are greedy and selfish and those that are can be encouraged out of it with good parenting

Show quote history

I agree, @LuckySantangelo35 and we've clearly failed on that front, esp. since the teenaged self-absorption kicked in. We just have to keep pushing back until they get the message that it's not acceptable

Bottomofthepileasusual · 19/09/2022 18:35

The teenager here does this too. Helps himself to anything with no thought that someone else would like some too.
I've hidden food before to ensure smaller one gets some or told her to eat it quick while there's some to have. Drives me mad

diddl · 19/09/2022 19:46

Well if nothing else at least I now know what to have for breakfast tomorrow!

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/09/2022 20:00

Cameleongirl · 19/09/2022 18:31

I agree, @LuckySantangelo35 and we've clearly failed on that front, esp. since the teenaged self-absorption kicked in. We just have to keep pushing back until they get the message that it's not acceptable

Show quote history

@Cameleongirl

thats it exactly isn’t it, you just have to keep pushing back til they get the message it’s not on.

some parents on here don’t do that with their teens - it seems that just benevolently and indulgently smile whilst their teens (sporty of course always sporty teens!) mindlessly eat them out of house and home….

and so their parents either

a) go out with out themselves (because ‘that’s what you do when you have kids’ ..:.they come first - always!!)

or

b). ‘just buy more’ (because they are in the very privileged position of being able to do so)

meanwhile..

in the real world ….

SillySausage81 · 19/09/2022 20:24

@LuckySantangelo35

or c) just let the other younger / less greedy / less selfish kids go without nice treats because they're "too slow" (i.e. eat at a normal pace or have a healthier attitude to treats), which I don't think is on at all.

madaboutsaffron · 19/09/2022 20:25

OP I think it would interesting to remember what rules were in place around food when you were growing up.your son eating two pancakes has really triggered you. Was there a shortage of food or a lot of control around food when you were growing up? You see this food as a reward - not just food. It’s a lot of emotion to put on a breakfast food. how are you with eating and control?* whatever the route of this - break the cycle. Yes he should’ve have eaten your birthday chocolates but most people have said eating two pancakes for breakfast is completely different.sometimes it helps to see how these issues seem to the outside world. Think about him explaining to a teacher or friend that his mum got angry because he ate two pancakes for breakfast. I would be concerned to hear that*

😂😂😂😂😂

RainingRubies · 19/09/2022 21:37

Could you not have just made some more pancakes for the younger one's breakfast? Takes 5 mins. All seems like a bit of an overreaction.

JazbayGrapes · 19/09/2022 21:49

not all kids are greedy and selfish and those that are can be encouraged out of it with good parenting

of course not all, but its pretty much inevitable every now and then. They know they should ask before helping themselves to treats, they know they are supposed to say that something is running low, they know they are supposed to take an apple for a snack instead of scoffing down entire tub of ice cream. But... they conveniently "forget". Oh well... nag, rinse, repeat...

steppemum · 19/09/2022 23:28

I'm going ot say it again, because there are so many bonkers comments obsessing about one crepe etc.

The point is he was asked not to.
he was directly asked not to eat it and he did.

That is selfish.
Who cares if it was a crepe, or anything else?
he was asked not to.

Are there so many people on her who are OK with their teen directly doing exactly what they are asked not to?

And all this crap about - all food in the house is for everyone.
I've just done the online shop. dd2 specifially asked me to buy a specific thing for her to have on sat and sun for lunch. I am happy to buy it for all of them, but right now she is the only one who wants it. She then immediately asked me where she can put it to stop anyone else pinching it before sat. I find that perfectly reasonable. It has been bought for a reason. Her preference is a perfectly valid reason!
To say everything is for everyone is really, really unfair on the ones who don't just hoover up all the nice stuff.

TheOrigRights · 19/09/2022 23:38

I agree with you steppmum

I've also just done my online shop.
DS2 gets a cereal bar that he has every morning. I'm not going to just help myself. Same with his isotonic drink. He'd be rightly upset if he went to get one for a football match and some bugger had taken the last one.
I've got a pack of 2 finger kitkats. I'll keep them hidden so they last a few days.
There's a yoghurt I like for my breakfast, so I've got 5 of them. DS2 knows not to eat them.
Isn't that how all families work?
It breaks down at times when e.g. he'll eat the cooked chicken legs cold for lunch when I was planning on making an evening meal with them, but that's an issue of meal planning rather than helping himself to something specifically for someone else.

He'd ask if he could have a Birthday chocolate.

And it's not about the crepe, it's the respect for others that the issue.
If I asked him not to take my Sensodyne toothpaste overnight I'd be mad if he did, even if he left the regular toothpaste. Doesn't mean I am controlling or have a toothpaste disorder. Same with my special hair conditioner. He doesn't need to use my fancy one.

TheOrigRights · 19/09/2022 23:41

Think about him explaining to a teacher or friend that his mum got angry because he ate two pancakes for breakfast. I would be concerned to hear that

But that's not the issue. He should say "my Mum got angry because I ate the last 2 crepes my Mum was saving for my younger siblings and had asked me not to eat. I'd been away at camp and had a great time. She also remembered the time I helped myself to her Birthday chocolates, which didn't help the situation".

cocog · 19/09/2022 23:56

Remove the malt loaf and when they ask where it is start the topic of having a treat for each person how they feel when someone has taken it. Make them aware they are being unreasonable taking everybody’s treat and ask them to stop doing it also could have treats on a separate cupboard shelf. Sounds silly but possibly name them to make it obvious those are all treats and the rest belong to other family members until they stop. Teenagers are very self absorbed so unless you make a point of it they will continue to do it!

SillySausage81 · 20/09/2022 00:04

steppemum · 19/09/2022 23:28

I'm going ot say it again, because there are so many bonkers comments obsessing about one crepe etc.

The point is he was asked not to.
he was directly asked not to eat it and he did.

That is selfish.
Who cares if it was a crepe, or anything else?
he was asked not to.

Are there so many people on her who are OK with their teen directly doing exactly what they are asked not to?

And all this crap about - all food in the house is for everyone.
I've just done the online shop. dd2 specifially asked me to buy a specific thing for her to have on sat and sun for lunch. I am happy to buy it for all of them, but right now she is the only one who wants it. She then immediately asked me where she can put it to stop anyone else pinching it before sat. I find that perfectly reasonable. It has been bought for a reason. Her preference is a perfectly valid reason!
To say everything is for everyone is really, really unfair on the ones who don't just hoover up all the nice stuff.

100% everything you say here.

My god I'm glad I don't live with some of the people on this thread. I'm the sort of person who can make a big pack of Minstrels last 4-5 days. If I lived with people who thought they could hoover up everyone else's treats I'd quite simply never have any treats as they'd be gone before I got to even try them.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/09/2022 00:27

I think you were unfair not to let the eldest have any pancakes when the younger two had already had two helpings. Of course, it’s fine to say not right before their dinner, but if the other two had already had pancakes twice (and these are considered a treat) I would have considered those two remaining pancakes as “earmarked” for the eldest. They obviously like pancakes so I’d have saved them some.

In general I think food can belong to one person - birthday chocolates or something a parent has bought just for themselves (particularly if it’s something they really liked, and as the parent they have fewer nice things day to day, for example)

But I don’t think that there should be food one child can have and not another if the children all like said food.

Is there any reason why the eldest is expected to have those other foods instead but not the younger ones? Why do they have to be more easy going?