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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting in the front of the car

259 replies

zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 08:59

Right, I need to be told if I'm AIBU.

DP's DD is 10. There is a tension between me and her. She is so conflicted. From one side she is cute and lovely, would want to play with me all the time, would talk to me about all sorts of stuff, would get me cards for mothers day, would say I love you, I miss you and would scream happy when I come over.

From the other hand she is jelaous about her dad. That goes to extreme sometimes, DP always reacts to what she does, talks to her, explains why we don't do this or that, except of one situation which is coming back all the time. Sitting in the front of the car.

She always used to sit in the front. For me, kids sit in the back where there is another adult in the car. It is a respect thing. When I have started coming over, I let her do it, then I have gradually started to change it. I didn't want her to be upset and felt like she was pushed out. But now, after two years of this she decided and told me that that my permanent place is in the back and I've to sit in the back even if she is not in the car. Her place is next to daddy in the front.

I have stood my ground a few months and said okay, if she wants to sit in the front, I don't need to be coming with them. I won't be sitting back for a child and play power trips with his DD with her thinking she can dictate where my place is. We told her it is safer for children to sit on the back and it worked for a while but she is challenging it more and more. DP doesn't do anything about it. He is upset with me because I have upset her and says it is a thing between me and her to sort but then he keeps telling her to try and negotiate with me when I say no.

Last night we dropped her off to her mum and she run downstairs like crazy just to be in the car first and to sit in the front and refuse to move.

AIBU? Am I being difficult?

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 19/09/2022 09:00

No you're not being difficult. Your DP needs to sort this out once and for all. He's wrong f

lickenchugget · 19/09/2022 09:00

Ugh, I had years of this. Honestly, if he won’t stand up to her now, he never will, and you’re in for a lifetime of this. Run.

youagainomg · 19/09/2022 09:01

No your not stick to what you've been doing that you don't need to go. Your partner sounds a very soft touch crap parent.

Macaroni46 · 19/09/2022 09:01

Oops sent too soon!
He's wrong for saying it's between you and her to sort. He's ducking his responsibly to parent on that front.

howshouldibehave · 19/09/2022 09:04

she decided and told me that that my permanent place is in the back and I've to sit in the back even if she is not in the car

And your DH thinks this is acceptable? I couldn’t be with someone so weak! How long have you been together?

I think I’d be packing my bags

Checkmateready · 19/09/2022 09:04

Your DP needs to confirm who the parent is here. No adult should be sat in the back for a child, it’s respect. My friends daughter does this when I’m in the car with them and my friend does nothing. I would never expect an adult to get in the back for my child.

LikeTearsInRain · 19/09/2022 09:04

Your partner is in the wrong. Not a 10 year old. He needs to talk to her firmly about this behaviour. She will find it tough.

Do you drive OP? Maybe after a period of transition, you should be driving for some of the journeys you take together and your DP in the passenger seat. May be easier to justify as it not being fair that her father drives all the time, she won’t want to sit in the passenger seat then surely.

Rockbird · 19/09/2022 09:05

No way. DH sometimes sits in the back of dd2 kicks off and I hate it. I hate that he gives into her. He says he's not really bothered but that's not the point.

Checkmateready · 19/09/2022 09:05

Do you drive? You could always offer to drive and sit him in the back, see how he feels about it then.

PugInTheHouse · 19/09/2022 09:06

In no way would I have sat in the back and allowed a child to sit in the front, even if I was getting a lift off a random family.
I would rather wall or not go.
It's extremely rude IMO.

I agree if he won't stand up to her now you will have a life time of battles, I have witnessed this with a close relative. Its not nice to watch and the family are quite resentful of the DD now, she has been spolt but both parents (out of guilt) which they big admit now as she's in her 20s now and a spoilt, entitled young woman. She has put my relative through hell and her DH has never stood up for her as he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

I genuinely believe it will get worse and will be over more serious issues.

Fireyflies · 19/09/2022 09:07

Your DP needs to be telling her clearly that adults go in the front and she can't go in the front when there are two adults in the car.

Do you drive? One way round the issue would be to drive yourself and that would break up the habits. Your DP isn't going to want to sit in the bank.

ElegantlyTouched · 19/09/2022 09:07

Why don't you drive and he can then sit in the back with her? Though really he should refuse to leave until she is in the back. She should not be allowed to dictate like that.

I've always sat in the back if there's an older passenger in the car. The only exception was when an elderly neighbour invited herself on a trip with myself and dp and tried to dictate what was happening, which seemed to involve dropping me off early for no reason other than she then had dp to herself. I made sure I was in the front then and was not for moving!

Phillipa12 · 19/09/2022 09:12

I'm a single mum with 3 boys, my oldest who is a teenager sits in the front as there is more room (one still in high-backed booster so space limited). However if I give my sister a lift my teenager who is much bigger than my sister automatically squashes in the back because he is a minor and adults sit in the front. Yanbu, your dp needs to parent and not get you to sort it. Adults sit in the front and I would not be letting a child dictate where I sit in a car, it's really rude.

jetadore · 19/09/2022 09:13

If you see it from the child’s (subconscious) view you have usurped her mothers place at his side, which she is trying to reclaim. Not ‘allowing’ you to sit there even when she’s not present in the car is telling in this dynamic.
However you definitely shouldn’t pander to this or it will get worse. DH needs to grow a spine.

DFOD · 19/09/2022 09:15

Show your partner this thread.

He is wrong.

If his DD is jealous / insecure about her DF - then that’s his job to emotionally resolve for her not exacerbate it by throwing you under the bus.

He needs to parent properly. Focus on him.

Don’t resent the child for his shit parenting

Original poster
zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 09:15

I drive some of our journeys, and DP has no problem with sitting in the back. He offers his DD to sit in the front when I drive (either my car or his car) but she point blank refuses and only wants to sit in the front when he drives.

Generally I wouldn't have a problem letting her sit in the front once every so often. But I see this as a power trip and something I'm being forced to do now.
But then DP says she would never do any power trips, and I see it wrong, she only wants to sit in the front because she likes it so much.

Yeah right, and that's why she only wants to be in the front when it is me pushed to the back Hmm

OP posts:
TiddleyWink · 19/09/2022 09:15

Don’t set foot in the back of the car. If your partner doesn’t stand up to her then run a mile. For a point of principle I wouldn’t allow a ten year old to think they’d got one over on me.

Or do as a PO said and shrug and jump in the drivers seat and leave your wimp of a partner to sit in the back.

She sounds like an entitled nightmare.

SoupDragon · 19/09/2022 09:18

I have stood my ground a few months and said okay, if she wants to sit in the front, I don't need to be coming with them. I won't be sitting back for a child and play power trips with his DD with her thinking she can dictate where my place is.

But you are playing power trips with his DD. Not only does she get to sit in the front, you aren't there at all. That isn't going to solve anything, it will just make it worse.

mountainsunsets · 19/09/2022 09:18

Your DP is the problem here.

Clymene · 19/09/2022 09:19

Nope. He needs to set boundaries. You don't negotiate with a 10 year old.

He needs to sort this or you dump him. Seriously, this is only going to get worse.

Original poster
zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 09:21

@SoupDragon

How can I make it better?

OP posts:
Chdjdn · 19/09/2022 09:22

I would stand your ground and neither you or your DP get in the car until she’s in the back. I’ve found with my DSD that some things you need to stand firm on

TheWayOfTheWorld · 19/09/2022 09:25

I can see why this is infuriating but have you tried turning the tables on her? By that I mean, don't let her see this is irritating you, pretend to like being in the back of car.

Eg "I've changed my mind, it's so lovely to be chaffeured around by you two" Don't overdo it, of course, but maybe if she thinks she's not getting one up on you she'll give it a rest.

Or come up with something else to wind you up... Hmm

XJerseyGirlX · 19/09/2022 09:25

This is a difficult one here, my dd is 10 and only sees her dad every other weekend, she also gets very travel sick and is much better in the front than the back.

After 5 years of him being single and her having him all to herself he now had a new gf ( she seems really nice tbf) but when it comes to dropping her off to me ( 1 hr drive ) new gf has decided she wants to come along for the ride and asked dd to sit in the back ( which dd has refused ). DD's dad also said that if new gf wanted to come along then she would need to sit in the back as dd gets sick. Gf kicked off.

If dd had been rude about it me and her dad would have spoken to her but she wasn't rude , just refused on the grounds that she gets sick and they new gf didn't need to come on the journey.

It's never easy with kids / blended family etc ...

liveforsummer · 19/09/2022 09:26

If you're with them then you do the driving seems the obvious solution but let them go placed themselves wherever possible. Don't give that as the reason but tbh they should be spending some 1:1 time together anyway!