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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting in the front of the car

259 replies

zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 08:59

Right, I need to be told if I'm AIBU.

DP's DD is 10. There is a tension between me and her. She is so conflicted. From one side she is cute and lovely, would want to play with me all the time, would talk to me about all sorts of stuff, would get me cards for mothers day, would say I love you, I miss you and would scream happy when I come over.

From the other hand she is jelaous about her dad. That goes to extreme sometimes, DP always reacts to what she does, talks to her, explains why we don't do this or that, except of one situation which is coming back all the time. Sitting in the front of the car.

She always used to sit in the front. For me, kids sit in the back where there is another adult in the car. It is a respect thing. When I have started coming over, I let her do it, then I have gradually started to change it. I didn't want her to be upset and felt like she was pushed out. But now, after two years of this she decided and told me that that my permanent place is in the back and I've to sit in the back even if she is not in the car. Her place is next to daddy in the front.

I have stood my ground a few months and said okay, if she wants to sit in the front, I don't need to be coming with them. I won't be sitting back for a child and play power trips with his DD with her thinking she can dictate where my place is. We told her it is safer for children to sit on the back and it worked for a while but she is challenging it more and more. DP doesn't do anything about it. He is upset with me because I have upset her and says it is a thing between me and her to sort but then he keeps telling her to try and negotiate with me when I say no.

Last night we dropped her off to her mum and she run downstairs like crazy just to be in the car first and to sit in the front and refuse to move.

AIBU? Am I being difficult?

OP posts:
johnd2 · 19/09/2022 10:47

PS you earn respect by respecting others, your don't get it for free by being older

AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2022 10:51

@johnd2 It's her fathers job to do that not the OPs. She doesn't even live with her DP yet so she really shouldn't be doing the parenting for him, he needs to grow a backbone and act like her father here not her buddy

Deadringer · 19/09/2022 10:53

in principle the child should be in the back and i would find it annoying, but if she always sat in the front until you came along it's understandable that she wants to keep her place. I think its childish to be squabbling about who sits where and its not a hill i would die on to be honest.

Mariposista · 19/09/2022 10:57

Absolute no way. Your partner needs to grow a pair and get his daughter’s bratty behaviour in check.

RedWingBoots · 19/09/2022 10:57

She always used to sit in the front. For me, kids sit in the back where there is another adult in the car.

Not in my family. You sit where you are told which due to quite a few of my adult family members refusing to sit in the front passenger seat, if they can get away with it to avoid driver "duties" means you may have to sit in the front as a secondary aged child.

Another poster rightly pointed out it isn't safe for children under 12 to sit in the front passenger seat and they should be properly restrained in the back. My car has front passenger seat airbags and if I have a child in the front I have to turn them off as per manufacturers instructions, while mine are easy to to they aren't in all cars.

Tootsey11 · 19/09/2022 11:01

I had this to deal with. Dps DD was 9 at the time. He didn't sort it and let her have her way, it progressed on to I had to sit at at a separate table when the 3 of us went out to eat, then til she slept in the bed with him and I had to have a separate room when we all went away.

She is now 31, and the level of entitlement is unreal. She is under a therapist, is constantly in bother with police, drug dealing, tells the doctors what meds she should be on. They are trying to get her sectioned. She never heard the word no, and cannot deal with not getting her way now as an adult.

Put a stop to it now Op, or walk away.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2022 11:05

Tootsey11 · 19/09/2022 11:01

I had this to deal with. Dps DD was 9 at the time. He didn't sort it and let her have her way, it progressed on to I had to sit at at a separate table when the 3 of us went out to eat, then til she slept in the bed with him and I had to have a separate room when we all went away.

She is now 31, and the level of entitlement is unreal. She is under a therapist, is constantly in bother with police, drug dealing, tells the doctors what meds she should be on. They are trying to get her sectioned. She never heard the word no, and cannot deal with not getting her way now as an adult.

Put a stop to it now Op, or walk away.

That's crazy, why did you put up with that all those years? And the thing about it is, these dads are not actually doing their children any favours by never telling them no or doing any parenting that might be difficult, it's laziness and isn't good for their children at all.

RedHelenB · 19/09/2022 11:07

Inertia · 19/09/2022 09:46

I’d just stop going. Take the heat out of the situation completely. I certainly would not be told by a 10 yo where to sit ( I am a stepchild, and would never have even dreamed of trying on anything like that!)

If you and your partner need to be somewhere else after, he can come back for you. Make it an inconvenience for him.

Perfect solution.

SafeHeaven · 19/09/2022 11:09

You don’t live together so just finish with him.

honestly there are much better men to choose from, without bratty kids.

johnd2 · 19/09/2022 11:10

AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2022 10:51

@johnd2 It's her fathers job to do that not the OPs. She doesn't even live with her DP yet so she really shouldn't be doing the parenting for him, he needs to grow a backbone and act like her father here not her buddy

Yes true he could help solve it but the father is not reading this thread as far as I know. It was the OP asking for help and it's causing them the problem, so they are the one who has the only chance to sort it.
In general, never look to other people to sort your problems if they have shown that they can't.
Of course the OP could coach and support the father to deal with the situation, but that might be an even more frustrating way. Family counselling might be an option though.
The situation does suck though, I should say it's a tough one and I sympathize. But the only solutions I see is that the OP deals with it or they get out.
Take care.

RedHelenB · 19/09/2022 11:10

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/09/2022 10:25

Front passenger airbag injuries.

That's why he should be her father, not her friend.

You can switch an airbag off. Sounds more like daddy's girlfriend and daughter in a power struggle to be no.1 with him.

ShandaLear · 19/09/2022 11:12

Your partner is a spineless twat. How is this even up for debate? If she’s able to manipulate him like this at 10 she’s going to be an absolute nightmare once she hits 14. And it’s not between you two - by him not making a decision he has deliberately made the decision that you two should fight it out - he prefers that option than just telling his kid to sit in the back.

ArabellaScott · 19/09/2022 11:12

Treat it as a communication. Look into active listening. Perhaps all three of you need to sit and discuss this, or walk and discuss this. Without anger or power struggles or judgement, just trying to work out what it is she's saying when she insists on this. (It may seem very obvious, but what you want is for her to connect with her emotional reasons that she may not even herself be aware of).

NewYorkLassie · 19/09/2022 11:12

He is upset with me because I have upset her and says it is a thing between me and her to sort but then he keeps telling her to try and negotiate with me when I say no.

He wouldn’t be my DP anymore. I couldn’t respect someone who was so bad at parenting.

Connie2468 · 19/09/2022 11:14

Clymene · 19/09/2022 09:40

Sorry just seen you said this has been 2 years. I'm a bit mystified as to why she was sitting in the front at all. Surely she hasn't been over 135 cms since she was 8?

I'm mystified too. What difference does height make to sitting in the front?
You can put a newborn baby in the front if you want.

LimpBiskit · 19/09/2022 11:16

Your DP is spineless and this is going to lead to bigger issues in the future. If you're not already too invested in him, I'd bail now.

Original poster
zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 11:17

Sorry just seen you said this has been 2 years. I'm a bit mystified as to why she was sitting in the front at all. Surely she hasn't been over 135 cms since she was 8?

She is 150cm now and she used to sit on the booster seat on the front seat when she wasn't tall enough

OP posts:
PylaSheight · 19/09/2022 11:18

Connie2468 · 19/09/2022 11:14

I'm mystified too. What difference does height make to sitting in the front?
You can put a newborn baby in the front if you want.

Show quote history

I suspect it's to do with placement of the seatbelt (and probably airbags). Plus a newborn will be in a car seat not using the seatbelt.

Connie2468 · 19/09/2022 11:19

PylaSheight · 19/09/2022 11:18

I suspect it's to do with placement of the seatbelt (and probably airbags). Plus a newborn will be in a car seat not using the seatbelt.

Show quote history

A 3 year old or 8 year old or 10 year old will be in a car seat if they need it too.

EbbyEbs · 19/09/2022 11:20

Fuck that, I’d get rid of the pair of them.

grandsalam · 19/09/2022 11:21

@XJerseyGirlX i have a similar situation of car sickness and the need to sit in the front but for the ds in these situations its all about asserting their role and power and putting the child in their place and that the partner is above them somehow. When you see it that way, it sound quite horrible.

I'm going to be honest, at first if I was told I had to sit in the back I would feel demeaned but id soon think if this were me id place more importance on the daughter be happy especially as its only a trivial matter

grandsalam · 19/09/2022 11:21

dp* not ds

Caroffee · 19/09/2022 11:21

Your partner is in the wrong. He shouldn't be telling her that it's between the two of you and to negotiate with you. Urgh, who would take on skids when the bio parents are so unreasonable and scared of their kids??

DariaMorgendorffer · 19/09/2022 11:22

This is crazy op. YANBU. I'd be having a serious think about this relationship.

tootiredtospeak · 19/09/2022 11:23

I think this is a no win situation. Dont try and get yourself inside a 10yr old head who wants to be most important to their Dad it's just not worth it. In your partners defense its incredibly hard when you get a new partner to break those things you have always done when you were single. I let my son sit in the front for 6 years then all of a sudden there is a new man in our lives and he gets put in the back. It wasnt a power play I could see he was hurt by it and honestly I was pissed with my new DP that he would rather hurt my childs feelings than swallow his pride a bit. We have our own kids now and they forever want to sit in the front and for one of us to get in the back but because they are both of ours it's different. There is no one upmanship with your own kids.