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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting in the front of the car

259 replies

zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 08:59

Right, I need to be told if I'm AIBU.

DP's DD is 10. There is a tension between me and her. She is so conflicted. From one side she is cute and lovely, would want to play with me all the time, would talk to me about all sorts of stuff, would get me cards for mothers day, would say I love you, I miss you and would scream happy when I come over.

From the other hand she is jelaous about her dad. That goes to extreme sometimes, DP always reacts to what she does, talks to her, explains why we don't do this or that, except of one situation which is coming back all the time. Sitting in the front of the car.

She always used to sit in the front. For me, kids sit in the back where there is another adult in the car. It is a respect thing. When I have started coming over, I let her do it, then I have gradually started to change it. I didn't want her to be upset and felt like she was pushed out. But now, after two years of this she decided and told me that that my permanent place is in the back and I've to sit in the back even if she is not in the car. Her place is next to daddy in the front.

I have stood my ground a few months and said okay, if she wants to sit in the front, I don't need to be coming with them. I won't be sitting back for a child and play power trips with his DD with her thinking she can dictate where my place is. We told her it is safer for children to sit on the back and it worked for a while but she is challenging it more and more. DP doesn't do anything about it. He is upset with me because I have upset her and says it is a thing between me and her to sort but then he keeps telling her to try and negotiate with me when I say no.

Last night we dropped her off to her mum and she run downstairs like crazy just to be in the car first and to sit in the front and refuse to move.

AIBU? Am I being difficult?

OP posts:
Arenanewbie · 19/09/2022 10:18

Adults sit at the front so you drive and your DP sits next to you. He shouldn’t go to the back with her and he should do all the talking (it calls parenting) you should just smile and wait.
Tbh it went a bit too far from your description and it might improve when she would be busy with friends and so on but you would never be able to trust your partner. He showed that he couldn’t be reasonable when his daughter was involved.

pictish · 19/09/2022 10:18

Your stupid dh is the problem here, encouraging negotiations and what not. Get that jelly told.

Original poster
zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 10:19

Shinyandnew1 · 19/09/2022 10:14

If you drive, @zebraprint12 -do they both sit in back?

I would refuse to do that as well-it would feel like being a taxi driver!

You have a massive DH problem here. Does she cause problems in other ways that he refuses to deal with?

Nope, DP doesn't really want to sit with her in the back, maybe done it once. He would let her sit in the front but if she didn't want it, she would sit in the back on her own

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 19/09/2022 10:19

I couldn’t be arsed with this

dump him op - life is too short

MysteriousMonkey · 19/09/2022 10:20

I think next time she runs and sits in the front, you should get in the drivers seat. Always drive when she sits in the front. Until she realises she won't win.

Lookjaz · 19/09/2022 10:21

In the UK children under 12 or 135cm tall should be in a child’s seat, can you not fix one in the rear and tell her it is the law she must be in the child’s seat

AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2022 10:21

No chance in hell would I be sitting in the back, she shouldn't be in the front at 10 years old anyway, regardless of who is in the car or not.

Very cheeky of her to tell you to sit in the back even when she's not there as well.

Original poster
zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 10:21

Lookjaz · 19/09/2022 10:21

In the UK children under 12 or 135cm tall should be in a child’s seat, can you not fix one in the rear and tell her it is the law she must be in the child’s seat

She is 150cm tall

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/09/2022 10:25

Front passenger airbag injuries.

That's why he should be her father, not her friend.

Noteverybodylives · 19/09/2022 10:26

Nope, DP doesn't really want to sit with her in the back, maybe done it once. He would let her sit in the front but if she didn't want it, she would sit in the back on her own

Then why not just carry on doing this.
Then it’s less stressful for everyone involved.

Stop playing the games and just do the driving and let your DP sort his DD out.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 19/09/2022 10:26

Even if dsd lived ft and saw df every day she doesn't get to rule the roost. Dp is actually telling you your place by allowing his dd to disrespect you . And allowing dsd to know it too!

Shade17 · 19/09/2022 10:26

When I was that age I sat in the front and my mum sat in the back, this was due to my travel sickness though which was genuinely much better in the front. The added bonus was that I could map read/navigate better than my mum so made for a much more harmonious atmosphere on our trips down to deepest, darkest France 🤣

lickenchugget · 19/09/2022 10:26

The issue is her feelings as much as the actions - even if you stamp out the seating issue by always driving etc, if she has underlying jealousy issues that your DP will not address, they will just manifest in some other way.

He needs to make sure she knows he loves her, but she doesn’t need to battle with you, and that it won’t be tolerated.

Sapphire387 · 19/09/2022 10:30

You have a DP problem. He needs to sort this - by bowing out, he is leaving you to 'battle' with her and this only creates more conflict.

Marvellousmadness · 19/09/2022 10:33

Your dp makes it very clear that he doesn't value you as much as he should.

Id pull out of the relationship if my partner continued to play favourites and gives in to this childish game of hers.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/09/2022 10:34

I couldn’t get worked up about this. The kid wants to sit next to her dad. What’s the big deal?

My Dd has sat in the front since 11. I just sit in the back. It’s a massive non event and has caused zero arguments in our family.

Threelittlelambs · 19/09/2022 10:37

Went out yesterday with DD her friend and friends mother. Both girls jumped in the back no questions.

Seriously you need to drive and let him sit in the back - make it his problem. Then he’ll sort it out!

Acheyknees · 19/09/2022 10:38

Yep, I agree with others, next time she rushes to get in the front seat, you calmly sit in the drivers seat. No need to comment, just get in and drive.

Sunnytwobridges · 19/09/2022 10:40

lickenchugget · 19/09/2022 09:00

Ugh, I had years of this. Honestly, if he won’t stand up to her now, he never will, and you’re in for a lifetime of this. Run.

This. My ex used to let his dd do this as well as other similar things. It never changed.

buttons123456 · 19/09/2022 10:40

My friends do this and let their kids sit in the front while I go in the back .
I would never let my child do this !

Stripedbag101 · 19/09/2022 10:40

zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 09:21

@SoupDragon

How can I make it better?

I would always drive. Always.

there is a sexism in any case in that men always seem to feel they should be the one driving.

do it’s a good lesson for this little girl that men don’t automatically get the driving seat.

but I agree if her dad can’t handle this then he’s the problem not her.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2022 10:42

Sapphire387 · 19/09/2022 10:30

You have a DP problem. He needs to sort this - by bowing out, he is leaving you to 'battle' with her and this only creates more conflict.

Yes exactly this. It makes it come across in a weird "two females fighting over who sits next to him" kind of a way, instead of him acting like a parent and telling her to sit in the back :/

Fladdermus · 19/09/2022 10:45

Your boyfriend needs to stop being pathetic and parent his child. I wouldn't tolerate this disrespectful behaviour from a child, but he's the one allowing it, which suggests he doesn't respect you either.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2022 10:46

Threelittlelambs · 19/09/2022 10:37

Went out yesterday with DD her friend and friends mother. Both girls jumped in the back no questions.

Seriously you need to drive and let him sit in the back - make it his problem. Then he’ll sort it out!

As my kids would have done, actually I say would have, they're both young adults now and they would still get in the back and let friends of mine/grand parents etc sit in the front

johnd2 · 19/09/2022 10:46

Oh wow, YOU are the adult which means you need to use your emotional intelligence and work out what's going on, not fuel a power struggle and try to pull rank!
Clearly there's a car hierarchy where the most important person goes on the front, you and her are arguing about who is the most important person (in her mind it's her mum and she is holding it based on being in the family and in your mind because your are the adult you get to take it)
Switch on your brain and actually discuss it with her, validate her feelings and listen, understand, reflect, empathise. She doesn't have such developed emotional intelligence get so can easily succumb to these kinds of power struggle. You are the adult, please act like it for everyone's sake.

For what it's worth I think you're both being unreasonable but I think you should be taking the lead, or your partner should. But since you're the one here, I'm directing it at you.
Good luck!