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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sitting in the front of the car

259 replies

zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 08:59

Right, I need to be told if I'm AIBU.

DP's DD is 10. There is a tension between me and her. She is so conflicted. From one side she is cute and lovely, would want to play with me all the time, would talk to me about all sorts of stuff, would get me cards for mothers day, would say I love you, I miss you and would scream happy when I come over.

From the other hand she is jelaous about her dad. That goes to extreme sometimes, DP always reacts to what she does, talks to her, explains why we don't do this or that, except of one situation which is coming back all the time. Sitting in the front of the car.

She always used to sit in the front. For me, kids sit in the back where there is another adult in the car. It is a respect thing. When I have started coming over, I let her do it, then I have gradually started to change it. I didn't want her to be upset and felt like she was pushed out. But now, after two years of this she decided and told me that that my permanent place is in the back and I've to sit in the back even if she is not in the car. Her place is next to daddy in the front.

I have stood my ground a few months and said okay, if she wants to sit in the front, I don't need to be coming with them. I won't be sitting back for a child and play power trips with his DD with her thinking she can dictate where my place is. We told her it is safer for children to sit on the back and it worked for a while but she is challenging it more and more. DP doesn't do anything about it. He is upset with me because I have upset her and says it is a thing between me and her to sort but then he keeps telling her to try and negotiate with me when I say no.

Last night we dropped her off to her mum and she run downstairs like crazy just to be in the car first and to sit in the front and refuse to move.

AIBU? Am I being difficult?

OP posts:

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 16:39

This whole respect and hierarchy thing drives me up the wall. You earn respect you're not automatically entitled to it because you're older, hierarchy throws in the implication that you're more important which is also bullshit, nobody is more important than anyone else in a family dynamic and a child sure as shit shouldn't be made to feel that they're less important than their parent's partner.

Exactly ..... So why would it matter to dd who sits in the front (it just be her, all the time) and why does she want op to never sit in the front, including even when theres noone else there to sit in the front?????

You say it's nothing about hierarchy, or resprct, and it doesn't matter at all ..... But it clearly matters to this child. It's clearly meaningful to this child ..... op wouldnt be being put in this position.

if it doesn't matter; it doesn't matter if the child sits in the back occasionally .. and it doesn't matter where op sits when the child is not there, yet the child had campaigned successfully to make sure she always sits on the front and OP doesn't.

So it clearly does matter, and it clearly does mean something.

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 16:42

and a child sure as shit shouldn't be made to feel that they're less important than their parent's partner.

But should a man's partner be made to feel like she is less important than his child .... In fact, because kids almost always sit in the back of the car; that she is like the child in the car in this situation.

And don't forget, the dd wants op to be in the back seat when the front is empty too!!!!!

So much BS in this thread to twist this very obvious situation with a child, who may or may not be unhappy, power playing and establishing dominance.

Not equality, mutual respect & consideration .... Dominance.

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 16:46

*But should a man's partner be made to feel like she is less important than his child

That's not phrased v well - more like, should a man's partner be made to defer to his child all the time, made to feel inferior to his child all the time, made to take a typical child's place in a situation, in opposition to typical arrangements?

purpletangos · 19/09/2022 16:51

Your DH isn't respecting you and isn't parenting his DD.

You need to raise this with him seriously. He is taking the piss and enabling her bullshit.

You're not being petty. I've been in that situation and DP made his kid move into the back seat - rightly so.

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 16:54

She's a kid that wants to sit beside her dad...

She wants op in the back when she's not there too.

(And she can sit beside her Dad every single time they're in the car together when op's not there).

Bintymcbintface · 19/09/2022 16:55

Generally a person's partner should be less important than their child... What makes you think otherwise

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 16:57

Bintymcbintface · 19/09/2022 16:55

Generally a person's partner should be less important than their child... What makes you think otherwise

See my post at 16.46

Bookworm777 · 19/09/2022 16:58

But should a man's partner be made to feel like she is less important than his child ....

Yes!

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 16:58

And while it should be very obvious to anyone with a brain - being more important in someone life, does not translate to "getting your own way about everything all the time and forcing an adult into a typical/traditional child's location/position - every time.

Amybelle88 · 19/09/2022 17:00

This is bizarre now.

It is not safe for a child to sit in the front - if there is an accident the adult in the back will have a greater impact on the child.

Whether it is an aunt, uncle, friend, whoever - kid goes in the back.

The child doesn't want to simply sit up front with daddy, she's trying to lay her own law down when again, she's a child.

However, I reiterate, she's a child and goes in the back.

Bintymcbintface · 19/09/2022 17:01

Since when is the back of the car (unless a baby seat where its the law) the traditional "child's place" I don't live the high life at all but usually you see "vips" being driven around chauffeur in front them in the back... I really think this is a load of fuss over a minor issue, if your position in the car is that important to you and you're willing to get into fights with a 10yo over it, maybe suggest taking turns or something I don't know....

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 17:04

Bintymcbintface · 19/09/2022 17:01

You're being deliberately obtuse (and quite ridiculous) now.

The next time you're out, look at any family in a vehicle and record how many mums and dads, if two adults are there, are sitting in the back of the car.

It is also considered the safesg place for kids and has been for a long time.

Your VIP/chaffeur example is not equivalent and you know it, you're being disengenuous.

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 17:07

... I really think this is a load of fuss over a minor issue

If it's minor and no fuss should be made of it; it dies t matter one iota if the dd sits in the back sometimes then.

Nor where op sits when dd is not in the car.

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 17:11

Op, if you come back, your partner is the problem.

Imho he doesn't deserve your time, emotion,. commitment, intimacy etc.

He can't even parent his own child.

Bintymcbintface · 19/09/2022 17:13

I think you're reaching a little to say that I'm being ridiculous or obtuse. A pages long thread over where you sit in the car is ridiculous, as stated I don't think a child should be calling the shots but being annoyed with where you sit in the car AD AN ADULT!! Really is nuts.

You seem to projecting a lot because you were in a relationship with a problematic (fully grown) dsd of your own. A child wanting to sit beside her dad isn't a sign that they're going to become a case for psychiatric intervention later on nor is it a sign that she's being a little brat. To me it seems like that's what she's used to and it's changing because "daddy's friend" is around and she's having trouble with that, which is normal with little kids. OP hasn't said that she sits in the back when dsd isn't there either.

Castleheights · 19/09/2022 17:17

Your dp needs to accept his dc disappointing pout and sulk. This must come from him. Or from you with him backing you up. I Have sc and even at 30 they wouldn’t dream of taking the front seat. It’s not about trumping her Mum (as someone said upthread) it’s about her learning to accept she is not the centre of all things. That her Dad has a partner and that they together take the front. Be consistent and accept it might take time.

BadNomad · 19/09/2022 17:26

As usual, this is a DH problem. He has allowed this to become a power play by letting his child show disrespect.

youarntaguest · 19/09/2022 17:45

Bintymcbintface · 19/09/2022 17:01

Oh come on now the back of the car has always been for the children how can you even try and argue that

johnd2 · 19/09/2022 19:17

Eeksteek · 19/09/2022 11:41

I’m going against the grain to say it doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t. If this is a symptom of other things going and there are ACTUAL problems with disrespectful behaviour and discipline, deal with them. But who sits in the front? Man, it sounds like you are both kids. If you’ve slotted into their lives and this is the only problem, it’s a small one. Pick your battles and be grateful. Is this actually a hill you want to die on?

Many children feel sick in the back of a car. Car sickness is weird, and she may not have realised the back was making her feel odd. My DD sits upfront because she throws up in the back. It’s not an issue because it’s just us, but if we have a lift anywhere, she rides shotgun. It’s not about respect. I don’t need the front seat to show that I am a powerful adult in charge of everything that goes on in the family. I know that. She knows that. It’s no less ‘respectful’ for her to have the front seat. It’s just meeting everyone’s well-being with the resources we have. If your DD needs the front seat to feel good, let her. It’s no big deal. If you, as an adult, NEED the front seat to confirm your family status, I think that says more about you and your adult insecurities than her or relationships and her immature ones. If this is around transitions to her mum’s that’s going to be a tough time for a kid. It’s stressful for them to change houses, and she maybe wants her dad’s support, or just her last little bit of time close to him. Is she getting any time just with her dad? That’s important, especially if she has gone from having a lot to none. She can like and be adjusting well to you being part of her family AND still want some one-to-one, and find the transitions tough. The control in particular sounds very anxiety-based. She’s telling you she’s finding the transitions hard. You can set a boundary, allow space for her anxiety and her unique and special relationship with her father, because you are an adult. She possibly can’t, because she isn’t.

If she’s speaking to you poorly, not respecting your possessions, time or body, those are issues. If she just wants some one-to-one with her dad, that’s a valid need.

Stop going on the transitions at all. Let her have that special time with her dad. Extend it to include a bit of a treat, if possible. Of course you sit in the front when she isn’t there - it’s silly not to, just as you don’t expect her to sit in the back if you are not there, and don’t avoid that. If you must go, or for other trips, toss a coin or let her choose. Remove the power, remove this ridiculous idea that gives (either of) you status, stop feeding her anxiety, but give space for her need for one on one time with her dad, and acknowledge that transitions between homes are hard for kids. I bet it will disappear in a few weeks if you can rise above it and meet her underlying need.

If you insist that you must sit in the front, because it gives you the respect due as an adult, you are feeding the troll. She feels powerless and disrespected and anxious on transitions to mum’s and sees the front seat as a way to stop that. So by insisting on having it, you are reinforcing the idea that that’s how you get it, and that’s what you need. And she will push harder to get her needs met. It will be one very desirable, the way it has become to you from your childhood. If you acknowledge it’s no big deal, look at the family as a whole and how everyone’s needs can be met, and what’s really causing the anxiety, she will learn a lot about collaborative problem solving and looking for root causes, setting firm and fair boundaries AND trying to meet everyone’s needs with the resources you have. Which is more adult? There is no benefit in trying to teach children they can’t always have it their way, by insisting we always have it our way.

I would also use it a dry run. Family meeting etc, etc. You will encounter actual problems as she gets older, so use this non-problem as a great way to establish a protocol for dealing with them.

What a fantastic post thanks so much @Eeksteek

Bintymcbintface · 19/09/2022 19:41

Thank you for putting this more eloquently than I could manage

99redballoonsgobyy · 19/09/2022 20:00

It amazes me these days the way 'soft' parents pander too and are dominated by their children as poor little Suzie, or David cannot ever be upset. I see this a lot amongst friends and even within my family with their dcs where the kids clearly rule the roost.
No way my dc, even though one is now a teen would ever sit in the front whilst another adult was In the car, like you say it is a respect thing.
Amazing how parents cannot seem to say no to their dc these day. They are just creating a rod for their own back and raising a generation of brats with a lack of respect and a sense of entitlement.

Frazzled2207 · 19/09/2022 20:08

Checkmateready · 19/09/2022 09:05

Do you drive? You could always offer to drive and sit him in the back, see how he feels about it then.

This!

your dp needs to sort this out.

EbbyEbs · 19/09/2022 20:17

Frazzled2207 · 19/09/2022 20:08

This!

your dp needs to sort this out.

Show quote history

If he’s anything like my dopey ex he will happily sit in the back to keep the princess happy

LondonQueen · 19/09/2022 22:47

AlisonDonut · 19/09/2022 10:02

A bloke in the back of the car is likely to kill anyone sitting in the front if you have an accident.

You are likely to kill her if you are sat behind her and you have an accident.

You need to tell her it isn't a negotiation, and sit in the front. You are the adult.

That's for unrestrained passengers. Unless OP drives a classic car or illegally, this doesn't apply.

BadNomad · 20/09/2022 00:02

OR just tell her if the car hits a deer it's going to come through the window and decapitate her. I'm sure she'll prefer it if stepmum gets decapitated instead.

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