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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting in the front of the car

259 replies

zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 08:59

Right, I need to be told if I'm AIBU.

DP's DD is 10. There is a tension between me and her. She is so conflicted. From one side she is cute and lovely, would want to play with me all the time, would talk to me about all sorts of stuff, would get me cards for mothers day, would say I love you, I miss you and would scream happy when I come over.

From the other hand she is jelaous about her dad. That goes to extreme sometimes, DP always reacts to what she does, talks to her, explains why we don't do this or that, except of one situation which is coming back all the time. Sitting in the front of the car.

She always used to sit in the front. For me, kids sit in the back where there is another adult in the car. It is a respect thing. When I have started coming over, I let her do it, then I have gradually started to change it. I didn't want her to be upset and felt like she was pushed out. But now, after two years of this she decided and told me that that my permanent place is in the back and I've to sit in the back even if she is not in the car. Her place is next to daddy in the front.

I have stood my ground a few months and said okay, if she wants to sit in the front, I don't need to be coming with them. I won't be sitting back for a child and play power trips with his DD with her thinking she can dictate where my place is. We told her it is safer for children to sit on the back and it worked for a while but she is challenging it more and more. DP doesn't do anything about it. He is upset with me because I have upset her and says it is a thing between me and her to sort but then he keeps telling her to try and negotiate with me when I say no.

Last night we dropped her off to her mum and she run downstairs like crazy just to be in the car first and to sit in the front and refuse to move.

AIBU? Am I being difficult?

OP posts:
BlueRidge · 19/09/2022 09:49

Bloody hell.
You are not being unreasonable.
Stand your ground.

cultkid · 19/09/2022 09:51

Noteverybodylives · 19/09/2022 09:45

She doesn't want to sit in the front when I drive.

I wonder, In the situation like last night, what she would do if she already sat in the front thinking DP is going to drive, and I took over and I drove. That could be a potential solution and it would be interesting to see her reaction to this

You are being petty.

She wants to sit next to her dad.

Just drive the car and then DH can choose whether he sits in the back or front.
Then your DD can choose to sit in the back with him.

I dont think she is! She was trying to work out what the reasons are that make the sd want to sit in the front

It's not petty but kids are petty and sometimes you need to be petty back to demonstrate how ridiculous they are

Georgeandzippyzoo · 19/09/2022 09:51

XJerseyGirlX · 19/09/2022 09:25

This is a difficult one here, my dd is 10 and only sees her dad every other weekend, she also gets very travel sick and is much better in the front than the back.

After 5 years of him being single and her having him all to herself he now had a new gf ( she seems really nice tbf) but when it comes to dropping her off to me ( 1 hr drive ) new gf has decided she wants to come along for the ride and asked dd to sit in the back ( which dd has refused ). DD's dad also said that if new gf wanted to come along then she would need to sit in the back as dd gets sick. Gf kicked off.

If dd had been rude about it me and her dad would have spoken to her but she wasn't rude , just refused on the grounds that she gets sick and they new gf didn't need to come on the journey.

It's never easy with kids / blended family etc ...

But OP states when she drives DSD is happy to sit in the back, so NOT the same situation.

Ithinkiwanttobealone · 19/09/2022 09:51

Don't back down on this for her sake more than anyone's. I sympathise as I had the same but it was the couch. She is not on charge, she can't order the adults around.

DysmalRadius · 19/09/2022 09:53

DP doesn't do anything about it. He is upset with me because I have upset her and says it is a thing between me and her to sort but then he keeps telling her to try and negotiate with me when I say no.

So your partner is playing the two of you off against one another, but refusing to actually parent when it's needed? The only way through this is to deal with him and his wet lettuce approach to both of you - his daughter is just a victim of his refusal to take responsibility.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 19/09/2022 09:54

When op drives her dp sits in the back!

Georgeandzippyzoo · 19/09/2022 09:55

You are not in the wrong.
Your DP is totally wrong.
Firstly if he is driving HE has the say of who sits where and
secondly he needs to parent his DD.

The only time I'd sit in the back /child in the front is if they already have baby/child seat fitted in the front , much easier than moving it,. OR if I was getting out of the car before the child and they would then move into the front.

deviatedseptum · 19/09/2022 09:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Noteverybodylives · 19/09/2022 09:57

I dont think she is! She was trying to work out what the reasons are that make the sd want to sit in the front

It's not petty but kids are petty and sometimes you need to be petty back to demonstrate how ridiculous they are

So you need to act childish just to prove a point - that is ridiculous.

And it’s pretty obvious why she wants to sit in the front.

OP has said if DH is driving, she wants to sit in the front.
If he’s sat in the back, she wants to sit in the back.
So obviously she wants to sit next to her dad.

Therefore OP driving means that DH can choose to sit in the back if he wants to.
And there’s no need for any childish or petty behaviour.

XJerseyGirlX · 19/09/2022 09:57

How often does she see her dad op?

AnneElliott · 19/09/2022 09:57

Your DP is in the wrong. Kids sit in the back when there's another adult in the car. My DS who's a 6footer jumps in the back if both me and his dad are going in the car as well as for his grandparents/other adults.

Crunchingleaf · 19/09/2022 09:58

At 10 she is much safer in the back then the front. Where I live a 10 year old would still be using a booster cushion by law too.
My teen is sent to the back when there is an adult passenger in the car even though he would be pretty used to getting the front seat now.
It’s weird your DP won’t deal with this. Sometimes parenting means being the bad guy and saying no. However, it’s not a good sign for your relationship going forward if he won’t deal with such a small matter.

SuperCamp · 19/09/2022 10:01

Your DP needs to sort this. But I can understand her jealousy, and your DH’s nervousness.

”In the back Dd, tallest passenger sit in the front.”

AlisonDonut · 19/09/2022 10:02

A bloke in the back of the car is likely to kill anyone sitting in the front if you have an accident.

You are likely to kill her if you are sat behind her and you have an accident.

You need to tell her it isn't a negotiation, and sit in the front. You are the adult.

Original poster
zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 10:03

SuperCamp · 19/09/2022 10:01

Your DP needs to sort this. But I can understand her jealousy, and your DH’s nervousness.

”In the back Dd, tallest passenger sit in the front.”

No no, she is nearly as tall as I am so it would only fork for maybe next 6 months Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 10:08

She is safer in the back absolutely, but she challenges it by asking why then her dad let's her to sit in the front when it is just the two of them in the car?

It would be best if he has a conversation wit her and cut it once for all. Where it is like one of PP noticed, feels like he is playing me and her against each other by telling me it is me v her issue and I should sort it and then when I do it, he tells his DD to negotiate with me and be nice so I can change my mind

OP posts:
Original poster
zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 10:09

AlisonDonut · 19/09/2022 10:02

A bloke in the back of the car is likely to kill anyone sitting in the front if you have an accident.

You are likely to kill her if you are sat behind her and you have an accident.

You need to tell her it isn't a negotiation, and sit in the front. You are the adult.

That's spot on and actually quite scary

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 19/09/2022 10:09

AlisonDonut · 19/09/2022 10:02

A bloke in the back of the car is likely to kill anyone sitting in the front if you have an accident.

You are likely to kill her if you are sat behind her and you have an accident.

You need to tell her it isn't a negotiation, and sit in the front. You are the adult.

Do you have a source for this please? I could only find details of the impact of unrestrained backseat passengers but I'm intrigued as I often sit in the back to be with my baby!

kimchifox · 19/09/2022 10:09

My DS tried this on recently - had to nip that in the bud. He is not a step-child he just wanted to sit up front and thought he'd try being obnoxious to get his way. Literally jumping in the front and refusing to get out. Firm "no" from both parents, step or otherwise, is what is needed unfortunately. This won't stop as long as your DH concedes to her demands. And being a step child there is probably a little more at play but the answer is the same. If DH won't agree with you then your only option that isn't going to blow the whole thing up is to always be the driver. Having said that it starts with her dictating who sits where, but where will it end?

orbitalcrisis · 19/09/2022 10:10

The front isn't safe for a child, they should always sit in the back. I assume she is tall for her age if she's been in the front for a while, if she isn't taller than 135cm it's not legal.

Craftybodger · 19/09/2022 10:12

She is being totally unreasonable and disrespectful. Adults take priority in the front, it’s manners and safety.

I like the idea of driving if she refuses to move but actually she needs to be told to move by your partner. He needs to support you and curb his child’s headstrong behaviour towards you.

Shinyandnew1 · 19/09/2022 10:14

If you drive, @zebraprint12 -do they both sit in back?

I would refuse to do that as well-it would feel like being a taxi driver!

You have a massive DH problem here. Does she cause problems in other ways that he refuses to deal with?

SpicyTomatos · 19/09/2022 10:15

It is easier to talk to someone when sitting next to them. This may be something to consider especially when dropping her off as presumably she won't see her dad for a while afterwards whereas you will.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 19/09/2022 10:16

Maybe consider how much a teenager will be getting her own way op. Couldn't live with such a shite df...

Original poster
zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 10:17

SpicyTomatos · 19/09/2022 10:15

It is easier to talk to someone when sitting next to them. This may be something to consider especially when dropping her off as presumably she won't see her dad for a while afterwards whereas you will.

She sees him a lot, it's like 50/50

OP posts:
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