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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting in the front of the car

259 replies

zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 08:59

Right, I need to be told if I'm AIBU.

DP's DD is 10. There is a tension between me and her. She is so conflicted. From one side she is cute and lovely, would want to play with me all the time, would talk to me about all sorts of stuff, would get me cards for mothers day, would say I love you, I miss you and would scream happy when I come over.

From the other hand she is jelaous about her dad. That goes to extreme sometimes, DP always reacts to what she does, talks to her, explains why we don't do this or that, except of one situation which is coming back all the time. Sitting in the front of the car.

She always used to sit in the front. For me, kids sit in the back where there is another adult in the car. It is a respect thing. When I have started coming over, I let her do it, then I have gradually started to change it. I didn't want her to be upset and felt like she was pushed out. But now, after two years of this she decided and told me that that my permanent place is in the back and I've to sit in the back even if she is not in the car. Her place is next to daddy in the front.

I have stood my ground a few months and said okay, if she wants to sit in the front, I don't need to be coming with them. I won't be sitting back for a child and play power trips with his DD with her thinking she can dictate where my place is. We told her it is safer for children to sit on the back and it worked for a while but she is challenging it more and more. DP doesn't do anything about it. He is upset with me because I have upset her and says it is a thing between me and her to sort but then he keeps telling her to try and negotiate with me when I say no.

Last night we dropped her off to her mum and she run downstairs like crazy just to be in the car first and to sit in the front and refuse to move.

AIBU? Am I being difficult?

OP posts:
Needcoffeeimmediatley · 19/09/2022 09:32

My DS is autistic and likes to sit in the front of the car, which is fine, when it is just two of us.

Whenever there are more of us are in the car he sits in the back, there is no compromise, he knows that when there is someone else coming with us he sits in the back, he might not be overly happily but it's not up for discussion and in the back he goes.

Just tell her she needs to sit in the back, don't make a big deal about it and just tell her where she is sitting - your DH really needs to be on the same page though.

Original poster
zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 09:32

They do spend 1:1 time, they go shopping together, go to different places, parks. We don't live together.

It would also be different if she got sick in the car, I wouldn't have a problem with sitting in the back then. But that's not the case here.

OP posts:
dustybluebell · 19/09/2022 09:32

As others have said, you should do all the driving while she is in the car and then your DP can sit in the back. See how long that carries on for before he gets fed up of always being in the back.

Clymene · 19/09/2022 09:33

How long have you been together? How long since he and her mum split up?

liveforsummer · 19/09/2022 09:34

zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 09:32

They do spend 1:1 time, they go shopping together, go to different places, parks. We don't live together.

It would also be different if she got sick in the car, I wouldn't have a problem with sitting in the back then. But that's not the case here.

Then my suggestion is easier still. Drive or don't go.

Noteverybodylives · 19/09/2022 09:34

Firstly, you need to act like an adult and stop having a feud with a child. She’s 10.

You say it was fine for her to sit in the front 2 years ago - but now you’re telling her that it’s dangerous.
That is very confusing for a child.

It’s fair enough that she wants to sit next to her dad that she doesn’t see very often.

Of course she can’t do whatever she wants but I think you’re taking this much more personally than it needs to be.

The best thing to do in this situation is for you to drive the car.
Then no one is rushing to the front or arguing about who sits in the back etc.
No one has won.

cultkid · 19/09/2022 09:35

No way is she sitting in the front it's not even a respect thing it's that it's a safer and that would be the end of the conversation and it's also more comfortable in the front and you are presumably taller.

I would not say this is really a problem with your partner it's wider and deeper then that. It's that neither of you have been able to manage her expectations. I don't know what's right but it's not right for her to be in the front.

What I would do but also I am not a step mum and secondly I am not a psychologist is that I would drive the car and partner in the back, she goes in the front with you.

All my love xx

Original poster
zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 09:35

dustybluebell · 19/09/2022 09:32

As others have said, you should do all the driving while she is in the car and then your DP can sit in the back. See how long that carries on for before he gets fed up of always being in the back.

He doesn't always offer her to sit in the front when I drive. But if he says no, it's a no and not up for negotiations. But my 'no' apparently means 'well, yeah, cool, but I still want to do my own way'

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 19/09/2022 09:36

Do you have your own car? Any journeys just meet them there....
But ime this won't get better...

Herejustforthisone · 19/09/2022 09:36

You are so not unreasonable. But be prepared for abuse from the posters who believe stepchildren are incapable of bad behaviour and that all stepmothers are utterly evil and simply hate their partner’s children.

Your H needs to deal with this, he needs to have your back. He’s doing her no favours at all by allowing her to get away with it, it will leave her with no clear idea where she is and will lead to some really fucked up behaviour. If he’s unwilling to do that, I’d truly consider how much you want to make this relationship work.

SoupDragon · 19/09/2022 09:37

zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 09:21

@SoupDragon

How can I make it better?

You can't. Only your DP can really. He needs to be the one to sort this.

cultkid · 19/09/2022 09:37

You drive everywhere including his car
Unless he's driving you back from a lunch with wine!!

cultkid · 19/09/2022 09:38

Glad to see I wasn't the only one who just said to drive... it's the fastest way around it

Shinyandnew1 · 19/09/2022 09:39

zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 09:21

@SoupDragon

How can I make it better?

You drive.

Would that work?

Clymene · 19/09/2022 09:40

Sorry just seen you said this has been 2 years. I'm a bit mystified as to why she was sitting in the front at all. Surely she hasn't been over 135 cms since she was 8?

maddening · 19/09/2022 09:40

If she was sat in the front I would be driving and her sap of a father van go in the back.

Awrite · 19/09/2022 09:41

Echoing others - your only solution is to do all the driving.

It will also reinforce that you are actually an adult.

Meltingsocks · 19/09/2022 09:42

Another vote for you driving.

Original poster
zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 09:42

She doesn't want to sit in the front when I drive.

I wonder, In the situation like last night, what she would do if she already sat in the front thinking DP is going to drive, and I took over and I drove. That could be a potential solution and it would be interesting to see her reaction to this

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 19/09/2022 09:44

zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 09:42

She doesn't want to sit in the front when I drive.

I wonder, In the situation like last night, what she would do if she already sat in the front thinking DP is going to drive, and I took over and I drove. That could be a potential solution and it would be interesting to see her reaction to this

Are you both insured on each other’s cars?

I wouldn’t be playing games with her. She needs to be told that she can’t control where adults sit.

cultkid · 19/09/2022 09:44

zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 09:42

She doesn't want to sit in the front when I drive.

I wonder, In the situation like last night, what she would do if she already sat in the front thinking DP is going to drive, and I took over and I drove. That could be a potential solution and it would be interesting to see her reaction to this

Yes do that

And then if she gets in the back it's solved and you tell her

You are happy to sit in the back if daddy is there so you will sit behind daddy from now on.

Explain the hierarchy of adults v kids in a family

What happens if you get married? Will you sit in the back? No chance!

Tell your partner you are not going out ever time she insists and just get out the car and go off.

Make sure he also knows you mean business

Noteverybodylives · 19/09/2022 09:45

She doesn't want to sit in the front when I drive.

I wonder, In the situation like last night, what she would do if she already sat in the front thinking DP is going to drive, and I took over and I drove. That could be a potential solution and it would be interesting to see her reaction to this

You are being petty.

She wants to sit next to her dad.

Just drive the car and then DH can choose whether he sits in the back or front.
Then your DD can choose to sit in the back with him.

pimlicoanna · 19/09/2022 09:45

Her dad needs to sort this out. She needs to sit in the back

Inertia · 19/09/2022 09:46

I’d just stop going. Take the heat out of the situation completely. I certainly would not be told by a 10 yo where to sit ( I am a stepchild, and would never have even dreamed of trying on anything like that!)

If you and your partner need to be somewhere else after, he can come back for you. Make it an inconvenience for him.

bringbackveronicamars · 19/09/2022 09:49

Your DP needs to deal with this and have your back on it.

If he doesn't, I'd reconsider the relationship because I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg with her behaviour in regards to you.