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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave an 11 year old alone for 6 hours?

193 replies

MamMedusa · 17/09/2022 20:11

DH has a work thing on Monday that I'm "expected" to attend. DD is 11 (12 in Nov) & is adamant she isn't coming. She started secondary school this year, she's been letting herself in around 4pm and is alone until I get home from work around 5pm which has gone well so far, she's even started dinner on a couple of occasions, so her reasoning is that if she's capable of doing that then she's capable of spending a day alone.
She's pretty sensible for her age & can't see any major disasters happening, however we live on military camp so she has the guard room number for emergencies as well as obviously knowing how to call for an ambulance etc. We'll be around a 25 min drive away.

DH thinks she's too young & wants to make her come with us, however he'll essentially be working the entire time & it'll be me who's left to deal with her sulking & attitude, which in all honesty I really cba with atm.
I could stay home with her but this is one of the few of his work events I actually want to attend.
Genuinely not sure what to do for the best.

OP posts:
MelodyPondsMum · 17/09/2022 21:46

Six hours is different to an hour after school. Sometimes they don't know how they'll respond with that extra time. When we started leaving our DC on their own, there were times they were fine and then there were occasions where they'd call and ask if we could come back earlier or if they could change their mind and come with us. Those wobbles don't come up in an hour after school but they can come up during 6 hours with your parents further away.
Also if it's important to your DH for DD to be there, then maybe that's a good enough reason. It's not about lack of trust. It's about supporting DH.

TheKingsInk · 17/09/2022 21:47

Do you want to go to the husbands work thing ?
why are you expected to attend ?
is this a this is my wife is t she being supportive of her husband and his dedication to his job

CallMeLinda · 17/09/2022 21:49

In the day? Absolutely fine. She'll be bored stiff, but whatever.
Make sure she has easy to prepare food in and let her get on with it.

Mimi1313 · 17/09/2022 21:50

I was pretty responsible age 11 and my mum once left me at home for 3hrs with my older sibling age 13. I'm not gonna lie ... it was fun during the first hour but was terrifying by the time the third came. We ended up under the table quivering out of fear of the unknown. I think it's best to do things in stages.

WhoopItUp · 17/09/2022 21:53

I also think totally fine. I’m amazed others don’t.

Jewel7 · 17/09/2022 21:53

Personally I would build up to it gradually. If your not happy leaving her I would stay behind. My daughter is similar age and I would rather not leave her for more than a couple of hours.

Seaweed42 · 17/09/2022 21:54

Have you discussed it with her, what does she think about it?

demokitty · 17/09/2022 21:54

I think it's fine, from what you've said.

Original poster
MamMedusa · 17/09/2022 21:54

TheKingsInk · 17/09/2022 21:47

Do you want to go to the husbands work thing ?
why are you expected to attend ?
is this a this is my wife is t she being supportive of her husband and his dedication to his job

It's expected but not compulsory, usually I hate the emphasis on "spouses expected to attend" events, there's many that I haven't even entertained the idea of going to, especially when you need to arrange childcare or try and work around your own work schedule, but this is one of the few I both want to attend and also feel I need to for DH's sake.

OP posts:
ScatteredMama82 · 17/09/2022 21:54

piegone · 17/09/2022 21:22

We worked round it with shift work so someone was always at home. I felt that my kids deserved to have a parent around so we made it happen.

Show quote history

Passive aggressive criticism much?? We don’t all have that option.

dandelionthistle · 17/09/2022 21:56

MamMedusa · 17/09/2022 21:40

See this is DH's thinking in regards to telling her she needs to suck it up and come anyway, but my reasoning for wanting to allow her to stay home is that she's given us absolutely no reason for us not to trust her over the past few weeks especially, she's been incredibly responsible with regards to coming home from school herself, helping us out with starting dinner, doing the dishes left from morning and even vacuuming the front room, none of which she was asked or expected to do.
I want her to feel as though we do trust her & she does have her own independence.

Also in regards to ringing the guard room, she wouldn't call them unless it was absolutely necessary. She knows it's an emergency number & isn't going to call them to help babysit.

Show quote history

She sounds a really great kid! I've known plenty of adults either not notice the dishes need doing, or notice but not bother doing anything about it. Not bad going at 11 😊

PortalooSunset · 17/09/2022 21:56

I'd leave her. I did occasionally with mine at that age. I'm quite slack as a parent though..

Hibernationsetting · 17/09/2022 22:00

Mimi1313 · 17/09/2022 21:50

I was pretty responsible age 11 and my mum once left me at home for 3hrs with my older sibling age 13. I'm not gonna lie ... it was fun during the first hour but was terrifying by the time the third came. We ended up under the table quivering out of fear of the unknown. I think it's best to do things in stages.

I find that so unusual. Quivering and hiding? At 11 and 13? Wow.

HuzzahIndeed · 17/09/2022 22:08

1hr to 6hrs is a big difference!

It sounds like you want to do it though. Do you have time to work up to it without pressure for her and a way that she can say she's changed her mind if it's too much?

My 11 year old didn't bat an eyelid at being left 10mins so I said I was popping out for 20. She panicked and I had to promise to be back in 15 so it's very baby steps for her. She walks 30mins to school and back each day and catches the bus by herself so it makes no sense to me! 😂

piegone · 17/09/2022 22:10

@ScatteredMama82

Passive aggressive criticism much?? We don’t all have that option.

PA? No. I was answering the poster who asked how people who worked full time managed through the holidays. It wasn't a criticism of anyone, and I apologise if anyone took that as passive aggressive, it absolutely wasn't intended. It was the best of a bad bunch option wise tbh. Working until 3/4 am and getting up with the kids by 8/9 am is no brag. The option we chose was a struggle but someone asked what parents who worked so and the answer was shifts.

FlissyPaps · 17/09/2022 22:13

She’ll be fine OP. I imagine your house within a military base will be much safer then one in the community.

Murdoch1949 · 17/09/2022 22:16

You must not leave her alone for more than an hour. Anything could happen, kids get stupid ideas, oh I'll make some lunch, chip pan on, kid gets distracted in other room, FIRE. She's a child, take her with you and be a parent. If she misbehaves deal with it.

Bellie710 · 17/09/2022 22:16

I would happily leave my DD 11, she is more than capable of looking after herself. Trust your instincts only you know how your child will cope in this sitaution.

Freedomfighters · 17/09/2022 22:17

It depends on how sensible the child is and if they know how to get help if they need it. If so, then it sounds fine. I left mine at that age for that length of time.

Freedomfighters · 17/09/2022 22:18

Murdoch1949 · 17/09/2022 22:16

You must not leave her alone for more than an hour. Anything could happen, kids get stupid ideas, oh I'll make some lunch, chip pan on, kid gets distracted in other room, FIRE. She's a child, take her with you and be a parent. If she misbehaves deal with it.

An hour? Says who. You?

HuzzahIndeed · 17/09/2022 22:19

Oh sorry, just seen it's on Monday. Could you practice tomorrow and leave her while you go somewhere really close by so you can get home quickly if she needed you?

jennakong · 17/09/2022 22:21

Murdoch1949 · 17/09/2022 22:16

You must not leave her alone for more than an hour. Anything could happen, kids get stupid ideas, oh I'll make some lunch, chip pan on, kid gets distracted in other room, FIRE. She's a child, take her with you and be a parent. If she misbehaves deal with it.

I don't think anyone has been able to buy a chip pan in this country for about twenty years. I do agree that accidental fire from a cooking mishap is the biggest risk, but according to the OP she is a sensible girl. My mum used to leave me at this age with some soup in a thermos thing and some sandwiches, anything to keep me away from the cooker! Though I do still burn everything at the age of 50 so perhaps she was right.

LimpBiskit · 17/09/2022 22:24

Freedomfighters · 17/09/2022 22:18

An hour? Says who. You?

Show quote history

Who still has a chip pan? You are overprotective and underestimate childrens abilities to care for themselves. Especially in the protected environment on a military base.

purpleme12 · 17/09/2022 22:24

What do people do who work full time out of the house then? I always wonder when these threads come up.
Do these people commenting on here report people to social services if they know 11 year old high school kids at home in the holidays by themselves?
I am not at high school stage yet but I am a single parent and work. The childcare she's at now stops after primary school.
So if there is no childcare provision (which I use now) what are you supposed to do?
Obviously not all people work from home or have family readily available all the time

Dunnoburt · 17/09/2022 22:27

I was left at that age, just make sure she's got an emergency contact number😊