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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave an 11 year old alone for 6 hours?

193 replies

MamMedusa · 17/09/2022 20:11

DH has a work thing on Monday that I'm "expected" to attend. DD is 11 (12 in Nov) & is adamant she isn't coming. She started secondary school this year, she's been letting herself in around 4pm and is alone until I get home from work around 5pm which has gone well so far, she's even started dinner on a couple of occasions, so her reasoning is that if she's capable of doing that then she's capable of spending a day alone.
She's pretty sensible for her age & can't see any major disasters happening, however we live on military camp so she has the guard room number for emergencies as well as obviously knowing how to call for an ambulance etc. We'll be around a 25 min drive away.

DH thinks she's too young & wants to make her come with us, however he'll essentially be working the entire time & it'll be me who's left to deal with her sulking & attitude, which in all honesty I really cba with atm.
I could stay home with her but this is one of the few of his work events I actually want to attend.
Genuinely not sure what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Ukholidaysaregreat · 17/09/2022 21:18

It's fine.

Timeturnerplease · 17/09/2022 21:20

Genuine question: What do working parents of secondary age children do in school holidays if 11 is too young to be home alone? Do holiday childcare/childminders accept that age range?

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 17/09/2022 21:20

I wouldn't leave an 11yo all day everyday, but now and again it's fine.

I'm sure there'll be family/friends who can check in with her over the phone at least.

MyCousinDaphne · 17/09/2022 21:21

My 11 year old is left for 45 minutes in the morning and up to 2 and a half hours in the evening each school day and has done a 6 hour day alone. She has done this since halfway through Y6 and she's fine. She doesn't cook hot stuff or use the kettle or hair straighteners. I was babysitting at 12 which is not that far off.

mountainsunsets · 17/09/2022 21:21

It's fine.

I was left home alone all day at that age.

MisgenderedSwan · 17/09/2022 21:22

I would allow it, I also leave on a camp behind the wire. She has the guard room number and presumably if all else failed she could knock the neighbour.

There isn't the same traffic and unexpected knocks at the door you might get somewhere else.

My ground rules would be; no using the cooker, no leaving the house or having friends in, mobile on and charged and regular text checking in.

piegone · 17/09/2022 21:22

Timeturnerplease · 17/09/2022 21:20

Genuine question: What do working parents of secondary age children do in school holidays if 11 is too young to be home alone? Do holiday childcare/childminders accept that age range?

We worked round it with shift work so someone was always at home. I felt that my kids deserved to have a parent around so we made it happen.

Hawkins001 · 17/09/2022 21:23

MamMedusa · 17/09/2022 20:11

DH has a work thing on Monday that I'm "expected" to attend. DD is 11 (12 in Nov) & is adamant she isn't coming. She started secondary school this year, she's been letting herself in around 4pm and is alone until I get home from work around 5pm which has gone well so far, she's even started dinner on a couple of occasions, so her reasoning is that if she's capable of doing that then she's capable of spending a day alone.
She's pretty sensible for her age & can't see any major disasters happening, however we live on military camp so she has the guard room number for emergencies as well as obviously knowing how to call for an ambulance etc. We'll be around a 25 min drive away.

DH thinks she's too young & wants to make her come with us, however he'll essentially be working the entire time & it'll be me who's left to deal with her sulking & attitude, which in all honesty I really cba with atm.
I could stay home with her but this is one of the few of his work events I actually want to attend.
Genuinely not sure what to do for the best.

It seems she's already had part of the training and seems well so far, based on that id say trust her, to be sensible.

dandelionthistle · 17/09/2022 21:23

I think she's fine - some 11yos wouldn't be but I think most are. MN can be a bit funny about this.

In an ideal world she'd have had a chance to practise being left for longer than the after school 1-2 hours but shorter than the full 6, but you're out of time for that.

She'll be fine, better off than many being left at that age in terms of being on a military base and being able to get hold of you or the guard house very quickly. 😊

MelodyPondsMum · 17/09/2022 21:24

She doesn't have to enjoy it but she does need to learn that sometimes we attend events for other people. Not everything is geared to her enjoyment. Presumably it's something connected to the funeral so there's a historic argument for her attending too.

How would the guards room feel that you're making them be in loco parentis for your 11 yr old for 6 hours? In civilian life, it would definitely be frowned upon and possibly lead to a call to SS.

Also you're storing up difficulties if your approach to parenting is trying to avoid DCs sulking.

mrsfollowill · 17/09/2022 21:24

I would leave her as she is happy to be home alone- but it's because it is an enclosed military base with help on tap if needed. There won't be the chance the local crackhead will try the door etc so she will be safe in that sense and she sounds mature enough to look after herself.

MichelleScarn · 17/09/2022 21:26

Agree with those saying if you're on the patch so randoms can't get on less risky. Will there be quite a few families in same situation?

Changechangychange · 17/09/2022 21:27

things can unexpectedly happen, answering the door for a neighbour’s parcel or someone asking for directions….this happens all the time where I am

She’s on a military base though, so presumably none of those things are going to happen.

If you were in a normal house I’d pause before leaving her for that length of time. But on a base, where you know she isn’t going to get randoms at the door (or her friends piling round for a party), and where there is help available if she locks herself out? I’d be ok with it.

Make sure there is food available for her to microwave so you don’t need to worry about her setting the kitchen on fire, and I’d be happy to leave her. More than likely she’ll spend the day in front of the TV or on her tablet anyway.

Maggiesgirl · 17/09/2022 21:28

From somebody who lived behind the wire with a 12 year old. Yep I would leave her. She will be fine.

gamerchick · 17/09/2022 21:28

Always depends on the kid and it sounds fine. I'd probably check in and tell her to keep her phone handy though.

Eeksteek · 17/09/2022 21:29

I’d leave her so long as she had an actual person she knows to go to (not just the guardroom) a friend or neighbour she could walk to who agrees in advance and will definitely be home, and I’d check in regularly.

I was leaving mine at that age, but I was I only a few minutes away and she had several neighbours to go. It wasn’t for so long, either, (but I can see you can’t help that!)

mountainsunsets · 17/09/2022 21:30

Hesleepswiththefishes · 17/09/2022 21:12

Sorry but I wouldn’t

things can unexpectedly happen, answering the door for a neighbour’s parcel or someone asking for directions….this happens all the time where I am

I have three teenagers and I know they push your buttons and are an absolute pain but saying you cba with you 11yr old and wanting to leave them home on their own for so long is tragic news wouldnt do it to my yr 9 she’s angelic

That's why you teach them not to answer the door to anyone.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/09/2022 21:31

Sounds fine, she’s sensible and has local support.

AMessageToYouRuby · 17/09/2022 21:33

She'll be fine. No answering the door, no cooking on this occasion and ask her to text/call you regularly. Just make clear if you don't hear from her at the expected frequency you will feel you need to come home/send someone to check on her. I would get your DD on side, and say you've convinced Dad but she needs to prove you've made the right decision.

I stopped all childcare once they start secondary school, it's so hard to find for that age group and they don't want to go, so have usually had to leave them for a couple of days per week (mainly work from home). Tbh, I think more accidents happen when I'm around as they take more risks safe in the knowledge I'm there to resolve!

JhsLs · 17/09/2022 21:34

I think it’s fine but I would draw the line at cooking and tell her she has to eat sandwiches, snacks or microwave food only. I would also ask a friend or neighbour to check on her half way through the day if possible

Noteverybodylives · 17/09/2022 21:34

It would depend on how safe the area is, how far away you’ll be and if it’s during the day or night.

Most burglaries happen during the day whilst people are at work but I’d still worry about leaving my DD at night.

I left my DD all day msny times whilst I was at work, especially during covid and she was fine.
But I live in a very safe area and had my phone on me the entire time.

gogohmm · 17/09/2022 21:37

I wouldn't at 11 for so long unless there's a grandparent around the corner/neighbours who can be contacted etc

Original poster
MamMedusa · 17/09/2022 21:40

MelodyPondsMum · 17/09/2022 21:24

She doesn't have to enjoy it but she does need to learn that sometimes we attend events for other people. Not everything is geared to her enjoyment. Presumably it's something connected to the funeral so there's a historic argument for her attending too.

How would the guards room feel that you're making them be in loco parentis for your 11 yr old for 6 hours? In civilian life, it would definitely be frowned upon and possibly lead to a call to SS.

Also you're storing up difficulties if your approach to parenting is trying to avoid DCs sulking.

See this is DH's thinking in regards to telling her she needs to suck it up and come anyway, but my reasoning for wanting to allow her to stay home is that she's given us absolutely no reason for us not to trust her over the past few weeks especially, she's been incredibly responsible with regards to coming home from school herself, helping us out with starting dinner, doing the dishes left from morning and even vacuuming the front room, none of which she was asked or expected to do.
I want her to feel as though we do trust her & she does have her own independence.

Also in regards to ringing the guard room, she wouldn't call them unless it was absolutely necessary. She knows it's an emergency number & isn't going to call them to help babysit.

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 17/09/2022 21:42

I think she'd be fine, I'm more comfortable since it's on a restricted base so less can happen.

Only thought was whether there might be a side room she could hang out in at your event with an iPad or audio books or something?

BirmaBrite · 17/09/2022 21:44

Sounds fine to me, however I agree with the poster who said having to do things we might not neccessarily choose to do, and doing them with good grace is actually quite a good lesson to learn.