Bride not talking to me but won’t tell me why - WWYD

[Aperolsprizter]

Genuinely looking for advice here and whether AIBU.

me and friend A have been friends for years - since we were in secondary school. Had years of being very close, the odd argument but came back together when she was going through hard times. Lives very different - she lives with LTP in the countryside, me alone in city etc. I have an intense job where as she has a part time one to focus on hobbies etc.

im meant to be her bridesmaid next year, was asked pre pandemic .

everything was fine until about two months ago. Saw her for a meal, all was fine, no problems. We keep in touch via text so few days later messaged her, it was read and ignored. We had plans for birthday drinks but she never responded. Over the course of two months I text about six times, ranging from as if everything was normal to asking if I’d done something and if we could talk about it, to finally checking if she was ok.

she eventually replied this week saying I’d not done anything wrong but she felt I was “pressuring” her and she didn’t like it. I apologised and said not really sure what’s gone on? I saw her in person today at a birthday meal in a formal setting and she was very strange, positioning her body so I was cut out of conversations etc. a further drink in our local hometown was also arranged but I wasn’t told and was told there wasn’t enough room in the car to go.

my question is - there’s clearly something wrong but I genuinely have no idea what I’ve done. We don’t have many mutual friends so I don’t think she’s heard something through someone that’s annoyed her, for example. I tried to make plans again today but she said she isn’t free until January - FWIW she’s been seeing other friends (which is fine but indicates it’s not just that she’s not feeling social).

she won’t tell me what’s wrong, but there clearly is something. I’m upset and feel like I should drop out of her wedding. Would you message again and ask what’s wrong, or give space? It sounds pathetic but I’m quite upset by a lost friend :(

[Mollymoostoo]

I suspect she doesn't want you as a bridesmaid anymore but doesn't know how to tell you. I had a similar situation years ago and the bride told people she dodnt want me to be her bridesmaid anymore. I told her I would rather be at the wedding as a guest because she wanted me there than as a bridesmaid when she didn't want me. I didn't get an invite to the wedding.
I was hurt and she thought she was better than me and marrying up. The irony was they divorced and I ended up being good friends with his new wife!
It is horrible when friends behave like this, but all you can do is look after yourself and think about how you might react if she contacts you in the future. Maybe you need to rethink your boundaries as well, it can be hard when people are going through a difficult period, but if you allow yourself to be a doormat, she won't learn to treat you any better.

[Cameleongirl]

I agree with PP's, stop messaging her and let her reach out to you. If she doesn't, let her be. As for her wedding, it's up to her to get things organized so wait and see what happens.

It's crap behavior on her part, but let it be.

[Solonge]

I would send her a proper letter. In it I would say that I have no idea why she has backed away from me, but its clear from her behaviour she has no wish to spend time with me but seems unable or unwilling to explain why. In this case I am sadly backing out of her wedding. Wish her every good luck in the future then the ball is firmly in her court.

[WilsonMilson]

I’d assume you’re not bridesmaid anymore and I’d not initiate contact with her again.

Life is too short for this sort of nonsense. Let her come to you if she’s interested in continuing the friendship. I wouldn’t keep pandering to this shit. Who knows what’s gone on, people are weird. You’re better off out of any drama.

[Caroffee]

Agree with PPs who say that this woman is ghosting you. You obviously need and want this friendship far more than your 'friend' does. I'm afraid your continual attempts to contact her do look needy and could be construed as harassment given that she has told you they are unwanted. Have some self-respect, stop contacting her and focus on your normal friends who treat you properly.

[Maryminx]

I would be angry by now!
drop out of being a bridesmaid. Perhaps she wants someone else to be bridesmaid??
poor u, u have given her enough time to communicate.
move on

[TowerRavenSeven]

I’m going to go against the grain and say I’d contact her one last time but Only to tell her I wouldn’t be in her wedding. Something along the lines of ‘After several unsuccessful attempts to talk with you about what is wrong, I’m texting to let you know I will not be a bridesmaid in your wedding. I wish you all the best in the future, sincerely x’. Then block. Then it is over and put to rest and you won’t be agonizing over will/won’t she call you about the wedding, etc. Then you can go on with your life!

[Missingpop]

She needs to grow up; sulking like a pre-pubescent twelve year old isn’t very grown up; do you really need this crap; if that’s how she treats friends I wouldn’t want to be her enemy.
It May might be as simple as she’s envious of your lifestyle your doing all the things she’s never been able to do; she’s still stuck in the outback doing a dead end job & craft hobbies (not setting the world on fire is she) don’t you have friends near to where you live? friends from work?
Don’t message her again leave it get on with your life if she doesn’t contact you she can stuff her bridesmaid position too; just think about yourself; don’t feel bad because it doesn’t sound like she’s even thinking about your feelings

[riceuten]

She's not going to tell you and she wants to ghost you.

Leave it, and get on with the rest of your life

[Saju1]

Planning a wedding must be taking up a lot of her time..

You should ask yourself.. are your texting too much.. calling too much...

In your position, I would just text and say "sorry if I have been overbearing, I just want us to have a catch up some time" if she doesn't respond by the time of her wedding, assume you are no longer her friend.

Some people just don't have the guts to say they don't want to be friends anymore... Or perhaps she just wants some space..

[BirmaBrite]

She has very cleverly manoeurvred you into a position where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Contact her and you are 'pressuring her', respect that and don't pressure her with the occasional text and you will be accused of not caring or not being excited enough about the wedding.
Either way you lose, and she get's to believe she is keeping the moral high ground.
She isn't , she is actually a massive twat. The question you should be asking yourself @Aperolsprizter is, do you want to be friends with a massive twat ?

[Josie45]

Hate it when people act this way, not got the balls to say what they really think, then think it's OK to leave someone hanging and ripping themselves to pieces about it. I've had this once with a friend, gave her ample opportunities to express what the problem was, didn't work so left her to it, funny thing is 10 years later she messages me on Facebook saying I should give her a ring sometime-go figure! Needless to say I didn't.
Also had the same thing with a boyfriend, he didn't get quite so many chances.
The only thing I could think in both situations was they either didn't want to hurt me by what they wanted to say-daft coz they hurt me anyway or their point wasn't really valid so they didn't want to air it.
Either way cut your losses and move on if she was a good friend she wouldn't treat you this way.

[Buggersticks]

I empathise. This happened to me last year. Absolutely no reason whatsoever for it. I'm not chasing her. I once read about this happening to someone else and she eventually found out the other person had had a DREAM that this friend was snagging her husband, and that's why!? I mean, wtf? I hope it works out OP, some people are just batshit...

[trytopullyoursocksup]

I am guessing that you missed something she thinks you should have done or responded to. She's obviously self centred and demanding about her wedding, but it might not be about the wedding - she might just be self-centred and demanding. You know you haven't done anything, so the only thing left is there is something she thinks you should have done or said.

People like this are just unfathomable, there is nothing you can do. Once someone didn't speak to me for a while because one evening on the phone they said they were watching TV and I said "so am I" and they said "I'm going to watch x" and I said "Oh really" and the next day they said "what did you think of x?" and I said "I didn't watch it, I watched y". I was supposed to have understood that I was supposed to watch the same thing! And it was considered grossly offensive and insulting that I had pleased myself and watched the other thing, that I was interested in!

It could be something as bonkers as that, and if she is partly aware that she is being silly and selfish, then being asked to explain herself will feel like "pressure".

I can see the appeal in doing as others have said and forcing her to "sack" you, but I don't think I would be able to do that. What if she doesn't? what if you don't speak again and you aren't actually sure if you are a BM three days before? What if you don't get a chance to resolve this, but she actually expects you to be a BM and for her to carrry on being awful to you on the day?

I'd send a message, gently worded, bowing out, implying that you're reading it as her decision because she doesn't want you around and doesn't want to talk to you, but still make it clear that you are not doing it. If you want to, you could leave her an opening to choose to repair your friendship, but I would still want something decisive to have been said to the effect of: if nothing changes, I am not your BM. Because otherwise the wondering would be maddening

[Aperolsprizter]

Hello, thanks for the careful responses again. I know that it seems like I must be missing half the story and I’ve actually wronged her in some massive way - but genuinely asking for advice because nothing like that has happened (or at least nothing I could identify).

re my birthday - I got a message but I was on holiday, but it’s not unusual for us both to meet up later to exchange gifts or have a drink. We live about 30 mins apart, she drives and I don’t but I generally go to her as her town is cheaper for drinks etc.

i also found out that the other BMs have a group chat without me in. Now there was a meet up event I missed because I had covid so it could just be resurrected from that but again that’s a clear sign to me.

i feel the issue is if I make moves to say I don’t want to do this in this way (because what’s to say she blows cold again and then I’m in all her wedding pics etc? Or I say no not again and I’ve been such a heavy part of a big event?) then im the villain forever. I absolutely do not know what to do

[SayCheeseBoris]

Oh fuck that OP, life's too short to let shitty friends make you feel like this. Pull out of the wedding and enjoy your other, healthy, friendships. Your ex friend is batshit and you being left out of the bridesmaids chat is a clear sign that you should pull out now and not cause yourself any more stress or embarrassment as surely the others are all wondering why you aren't in the chat, or worse, they KNOW why you're not in it and it's only you who doesn't.

[Honeyroar]

Sweetheart, if you’ve been excluded from the bridesmaids chat groups, not allowed in the car for the night out had her turn her back on you, you can pretty much deduce that she’s dumping you as a bridesmaid anyway. She’s just not polite enough to say. Try to put her out of your mind.

I take it she’s not replied to your latest message?

[Aubriella]

@Aperolsprizter

Hello, thanks for the careful responses again. I know that it seems like I must be missing half the story and I’ve actually wronged her in some massive way - but genuinely asking for advice because nothing like that has happened (or at least nothing I could identify).

re my birthday - I got a message but I was on holiday, but it’s not unusual for us both to meet up later to exchange gifts or have a drink. We live about 30 mins apart, she drives and I don’t but I generally go to her as her town is cheaper for drinks etc.

i also found out that the other BMs have a group chat without me in. Now there was a meet up event I missed because I had covid so it could just be resurrected from that but again that’s a clear sign to me.

i feel the issue is if I make moves to say I don’t want to do this in this way (because what’s to say she blows cold again and then I’m in all her wedding pics etc? Or I say no not again and I’ve been such a heavy part of a big event?) then im the villain forever. I absolutely do not know what to do

Not sure if you’ve read all the posts suggesting you do nothing, so here it is again.

I would just ignore her now.

Assume you are not attending the needing, but don’t decline yet.

Let her panic a week before when she realises you’re not playing her game anymore.

And then say you are too sick to attend.

[Frazzledmummy123]

As upsetting as it is, if you get no response to this morning's message, I would take a step back and not contact her again. I have a feeling she might be loving the attention from you over her (very deliberate) silent treatment so I guarantee if you stop she will notice and stop the attention seeking. She sounds like a spoilt brat who loves being ran after. Withdraw all attention and see what happens.

As for her wedding sod her wedding. If she wants you as her bridesmaid, raise your bar, she has to treat you properly first.

She'll need you before you need her.

[Aperolsprizter]

last Message has been seen and not replied to. So I feel like if I genuinely haven’t done anything wrong and she’s not annoyed (as she’s said) she would have replied being like, mate what’s going on to make you feel like this?

its just the fact that this seems so sudden. A part of me is like leave it a few weeks and see what transpires, but as I said what’s to say this cycle won’t continue next year?

i feel like if she’d said “I’m reducing my wedding party and I can’t have you as one any more, but please still know I value you and come to the wedding” I’d be gutted and hurt but probably would be able to come to terms with it and show up for the wedding. But this feels like I’m backed into a corner where all will happen is me being in the wrong. I think I need to just leave it now and not communicate

[Aperolsprizter]

Sorry yeah I am taking into account no communication and if I wasn’t involved in hen dos / planning a themed party / sorting my wedding shoes I would do that 😂 it’s just hard to let a friendship go when you’re literally involved in the biggest day of her life

[BirmaBrite]

But this feels like I’m backed into a corner where all will happen is me being in the wrong.

That's probably her plan @Aperolsprizter , if you are wrong, her treating you like shit isn't her fault. As I said, she is a massive twat. Massive twat's can appear to be great friends, but in reality, only when it suits them.

[Honeyroar]

Well just don’t respond and see what she contacts you with?
When is the wedding?

[Kassalah]

She sounds bonkers, and a 'mean' friend,

[StaunchMomma]

Hang on - you now know there's a group friends chat that you're not in AND YOU STILL WANT TO MAINTAIN THE FRIENDSHIP?!!!

I mean, WTAF?!!!

Dun the bloody lot of them off, FFS!!!!