Bride not talking to me but won’t tell me why - WWYD

[Aperolsprizter]

Genuinely looking for advice here and whether AIBU.

me and friend A have been friends for years - since we were in secondary school. Had years of being very close, the odd argument but came back together when she was going through hard times. Lives very different - she lives with LTP in the countryside, me alone in city etc. I have an intense job where as she has a part time one to focus on hobbies etc.

im meant to be her bridesmaid next year, was asked pre pandemic .

everything was fine until about two months ago. Saw her for a meal, all was fine, no problems. We keep in touch via text so few days later messaged her, it was read and ignored. We had plans for birthday drinks but she never responded. Over the course of two months I text about six times, ranging from as if everything was normal to asking if I’d done something and if we could talk about it, to finally checking if she was ok.

she eventually replied this week saying I’d not done anything wrong but she felt I was “pressuring” her and she didn’t like it. I apologised and said not really sure what’s gone on? I saw her in person today at a birthday meal in a formal setting and she was very strange, positioning her body so I was cut out of conversations etc. a further drink in our local hometown was also arranged but I wasn’t told and was told there wasn’t enough room in the car to go.

my question is - there’s clearly something wrong but I genuinely have no idea what I’ve done. We don’t have many mutual friends so I don’t think she’s heard something through someone that’s annoyed her, for example. I tried to make plans again today but she said she isn’t free until January - FWIW she’s been seeing other friends (which is fine but indicates it’s not just that she’s not feeling social).

she won’t tell me what’s wrong, but there clearly is something. I’m upset and feel like I should drop out of her wedding. Would you message again and ask what’s wrong, or give space? It sounds pathetic but I’m quite upset by a lost friend :(

[StaunchMomma]

DUMP!

I meant DUMP!!

[burnoutbabe]

Can't you ask the other bridesmaids to add you to the bm chat? I mean that may provoke a response from bride?

Have you paid towards a hen?

[Silentnight87]

From your initial post-it sounded like this was a repeat issue, and she would come back when she needed?

It sounds like she has been using you. Ask yourself some hard questions...what were you getting from the friendship? Support? Someone who would listen? rely on? Does this sound like you or her in this dynamic?

She sounds childish and frankly you deserve better. You mentioned other more well rounded friendships- concentrate on these. The examples of her behaviour at the latest party/dinner re just rude and frankly quite hurtful. Regardless if she wanted space, a simple greeting or a few words wouldn't go amiss. She's acting like this on purpose. Hooking you on a reel and you're falling for it (nearly) again.

She's playing a game and you're tagging along. Following her each time. Don't play to her anymore. Don't contact her. You've always run after her, now see if she's willing to reciprocate . Be the person she isn't expecting. That way she knows she's fxxxxd up the friendship well and truly.

I wouldn't go the wedding. But let her figure that out.

Also I would say congratulations to you on seeing her for what she is, and taking the thought to make this thread. It couldn't have been easy.

[Aperolsprizter]

It’s not about wanting to cling onto a friendship - if it’s done it’s done, I’m just grappling with the idea I’m still in her wedding party

[Mumkins42]

You've done more than enough chasing and need to stop now. Walk away with some dignity. You have tried to communicate with her and she isn't being open and is instead being quite a bitch.
I imagine there will be a reason for all this; I wonder if she feels or has been led to believe you have done something somehow. Please don't ask her again though. You already have and any more would be demoralising.

I would not be a bridesmaid. You can be mature and put it in a message which might help with some closure. ' I've been getting a very strong message that you don't view our friendship in the same way anymore. I've tried to understand what is going on but feel that has been continuously shut down. I'm not comfortable being your bridesmaid but want to wish you the best for your wedding next year'. End of. No more kissing up.
I know how very painful this can be, especially when you have no clue why. Seek out better friends. x

[mam0918]

I so glad I dont have drama like this anymore, it reminds me of when I was 18 and a girl suddenly stopped talking to me like that, took me ages to find out why.

Apprently she thinks I poured a drink over her in a night club on a mutual friends birthday but I wasnt even in town the month it happened (as backed up by my room mates, I had gone home to visit family).

No one knows 'why' she is convinced that I (who wasn't there) randomly for no reason would pour a drink over her head (also the people who where there said no one poured a drink on her at all btw) but she was die hard convinced it happened and that it was definately me (magically teleporting in).

I can only assume she drunk dreamt it.

[napody]

I would just leave it and leave her to deal with the awkward situation of the wedding. Don't pull out as you'll look like the bad guy. And as you said it'd be a bit weird if you ended up in her wedding photos if she doesn't want to be friends, but they're her wedding photos and her problem! I wonder if you've always been the one to emotionally 'manage' the friendship - time for her to act like an adult.

[Bookworm777]

I think she’s being a prize bitch and is actually relishing giving you the run around. I would stop messaging now but also stop doing any more wedding prep. Then, if she suddenly gets in touch asking why you haven’t been doing BM duties, just be frank and say her hostility has made you think she no longer wants you in the wedding and see what she says. But personally I’d walk away and sod what anyone else thinks.

[BadNomad]

I mean...the bride is ignoring you and the bridesmaids have a chat that you are not a part of. I don't think you should assume you are still a part of the wedding party until told otherwise.

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

@ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk

What did you talk about at the meal two months ago? Were you suggesting she change her ways/life/job at all?

Do you sell wax melts?

What are wax melts?

[Moonlightdust]

Is she on any of your social media? My only guess why she might have gone from hot to cold is that she saw something you posted/something someone else posted on your profile that got up her nose? Or that her fiancé mentioned you and she got jealous? Or she is being petty that you forgot an important date or else deemed you not fulfilling your bridesmaid duties? There are some total bridezillas these days.

[Pixiedust1234]

@Aperolsprizter

Sorry yeah I am taking into account no communication and if I wasn’t involved in hen dos / planning a themed party / sorting my wedding shoes I would do that 😂 it’s just hard to let a friendship go when you’re literally involved in the biggest day of her life

You are not in her wedding party. You might think you are but you really really are not. She might not have told you directly but mate....she's not responding to your texts You aren't in the bridal group chat... you have been dumped.

Just stop!!!

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

You’ve sent your last message. Make sure it really is your last and do and say nothing more - the ball is firmly in her court. I wouldn’t even bother to pull out if the wedding. Just go silent. Nothing. Not a word. At all.
She’s not worth the hassle.

[BirmaBrite]

I mean...the bride is ignoring you and the bridesmaids have a chat that you are not a part of. I don't think you should assume you are still a part of the wedding party until told otherwise.

This ^

For whatever shitty reason, your so called friend has changed her mind about you being involved. She would love it if you contacted her and gave back word because then she could pretend that it was you who let her down.
It sounds like the reality is, she doesn't want you involved in her 'special' day. Instead of being a grown up about it, she is enjoying being a bitch and making you dangle. Maybe one of the bridesmaids is planning on getting pregnant, maybe another isn't losing weight as quickly as she would like, who know's ? but having you in the background, a bit desperate to be a part of it, keeping you as a reliable standby, is feeding something in her soul

[Blowthemandown]

@Aperolsprizter what if she thought you were in the other BM whatsapp group and somehow thinks you left? Worth whatsapping the other bridesmaid and getting her to add you or ask the bride to add you? Might expose what’s going in without making you the baddie.

[Hillary17]

So sorry this has happened. I was in a similar position a couple of years ago; childhood best friend of 20+ years ghosted me overnight. She was supposed to be a bridesmaid at my wedding. I spent weeks messaging to check in but she ignored every attempt and seemed to also cut ties with our mutual friends too. She didn’t text me on my wedding day, didn’t say she wasn’t being involved etc. Our mutual friends were absolutely mystified and I was honestly heartbroken but it passes. Lives change and move on. It’s so hurtful but you need to shake this off and realise that you may not be the problem. She is the one at fault for not respecting you enough to even explain what’s caused this.

[PearlWithTheGirlEarring]

With friends like her you don’t need enemies OP.

life is far too short to play these games. Ignore and move on.

[StClare101]

Right go absolutely silent now. You have lots of other nice friends. I doubt she’ll even dump you from the bridal party. She’ll just never contact you again.

[CrisPbacon]

I have been in exactly the same situation minus the wedding bit! and my heart goes out to you.
Mine was a friend of over 30 years, godmother to my (now adult) kids. This happened out of the blue. Suddenly we moved to monosyllabic or no replies.
I attempted to visit which was a 450mile round trip but even with months of warning she "couldn't say" if she'd be in. I made Herculean efforts, she didn't acknowledge birthday gifts and stopped sending cards to me at Christmas and birthday.
I remained close to her adult children, who were also at a loss. She denied any rift to them.
When my adult dd (her god child) died unexpectedly, she sent flowers with her name but no message and did not attend the funeral which was local to her.
I stopped communicating and moved on. She removed herself from Facebook, never made contact again and died recently. I'm very sad but still have no clue what went on.
I know how puzzled and hurt you must feel.

[Flumpsatlast]

I was ghosted by a friend. It was very upsetting but the best thing I did was to let go and stop trying. It’s really demoralising trying to chase them and work out what’s going on.

[oosha]

As hard as it is, a friendship is 50:50 and you can’t make other people want to make the effort. I have had this once or twice and it’s hurtful. But you equally don’t know what’s going on for her in her life. If I were you I would stop making an effort, leave her to it. You can decide whether this is a friendship you want to invest in when she comes back.

[RachaelN]

Oh god, this happened to me about 3 years ago. The bride was awful to me the day before and on the day of the wedding.
She had been fine before that. I missed her hen do because I got a terrible migraine and I felt really guilty because there was only three of us going.
Anyway, I had to attend because I was a witness.. tbh if I didn't have to be there I would have just left and fucked her off. Never spoken to her since.

[Ladyofthelake53]

I've had this done to me not spoken now since Covid. I've moved on, still don't really know why she did it but I decided I no longer wanted to be friends with someone who could do this to a friend with no explanation. Its cowardly. Move on OP don't torture yourself x

[Catlover1970]

@Aperolsprizter

last Message has been seen and not replied to. So I feel like if I genuinely haven’t done anything wrong and she’s not annoyed (as she’s said) she would have replied being like, mate what’s going on to make you feel like this?

its just the fact that this seems so sudden. A part of me is like leave it a few weeks and see what transpires, but as I said what’s to say this cycle won’t continue next year?

i feel like if she’d said “I’m reducing my wedding party and I can’t have you as one any more, but please still know I value you and come to the wedding” I’d be gutted and hurt but probably would be able to come to terms with it and show up for the wedding. But this feels like I’m backed into a corner where all will happen is me being in the wrong. I think I need to just leave it now and not communicate

We did suggest yesterday that you didn’t message her as we knew she wouldn’t reply and she hasn’t!!!!!!

[Catlover1970]

@wentworthinmate

Never ever contact her again by any means. If you bump into her at a do or in the street, ignore ignore ignore. She is done with you and you need to do the same. It may hurt but that will pass. She is a child.

This