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AIBU?

Bride not talking to me but won’t tell me why - WWYD

323 replies

Aperolsprizter · 17/09/2022 19:43

Genuinely looking for advice here and whether AIBU.

me and friend A have been friends for years - since we were in secondary school. Had years of being very close, the odd argument but came back together when she was going through hard times. Lives very different - she lives with LTP in the countryside, me alone in city etc. I have an intense job where as she has a part time one to focus on hobbies etc.

im meant to be her bridesmaid next year, was asked pre pandemic .

everything was fine until about two months ago. Saw her for a meal, all was fine, no problems. We keep in touch via text so few days later messaged her, it was read and ignored. We had plans for birthday drinks but she never responded. Over the course of two months I text about six times, ranging from as if everything was normal to asking if I’d done something and if we could talk about it, to finally checking if she was ok.

she eventually replied this week saying I’d not done anything wrong but she felt I was “pressuring” her and she didn’t like it. I apologised and said not really sure what’s gone on? I saw her in person today at a birthday meal in a formal setting and she was very strange, positioning her body so I was cut out of conversations etc. a further drink in our local hometown was also arranged but I wasn’t told and was told there wasn’t enough room in the car to go.

my question is - there’s clearly something wrong but I genuinely have no idea what I’ve done. We don’t have many mutual friends so I don’t think she’s heard something through someone that’s annoyed her, for example. I tried to make plans again today but she said she isn’t free until January - FWIW she’s been seeing other friends (which is fine but indicates it’s not just that she’s not feeling social).

she won’t tell me what’s wrong, but there clearly is something. I’m upset and feel like I should drop out of her wedding. Would you message again and ask what’s wrong, or give space? It sounds pathetic but I’m quite upset by a lost friend :(

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Aperolsprizter · 18/09/2022 22:18

The reason I messaged again was because I assumed that seeing her in person would clear the air. We did, and it didn’t, and I wanted to draw a line under that and make it clear I knew things were off as I anticipate if this does clear up she will claim she didn’t know how I was feeling.

i also want to clarify that I’m not trying to hang onto this friendship out of loneliness etc - I have a really lovely strong group of friends separate to her, BUT she has had a hard life with grief and things that I’ve not experienced in the same way - I don’t know how that affects a person so I don’t want to throw something away that means something to me. I won’t be contacting her again though!

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 18/09/2022 22:18

Caroffee · 18/09/2022 19:52

Agree with PPs who say that this woman is ghosting you. You obviously need and want this friendship far more than your 'friend' does. I'm afraid your continual attempts to contact her do look needy and could be construed as harassment given that she has told you they are unwanted. Have some self-respect, stop contacting her and focus on your normal friends who treat you properly.

Yep totally agree

Sswhinesthebest · 18/09/2022 22:20

I would assume I’m not in the wedding party anymore.

I think she was just too immature to tell you.

JacquelineCarlyle · 18/09/2022 22:20

I'd want to know as well Op, so totally get why you've tried a final message, but agree that you should just leave it now and wait for her to contact you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2022 22:21

You want something she is unwilling to give. Is it unreasonable? Yes. However you can’t control her. But you can control your reaction to her behaviour. Please start protecting yourself. Time to make peace with that as you’re tying yourself in knots.

Quitelikeacatslife · 18/09/2022 22:21

Return the shoes, dress and anything else you have paid for. Cancel any hotels relating to wedding and hen do and then ignore her. If she comes back next year just laugh and say of course I thought you no longer wanted me to be bridesmaid, how could I think anything else.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 18/09/2022 22:34

She hasn’t got the bollocks to say she doesn’t want you in her life, so she’s leaving you to be the bad bastard by ‘leaving her wedding’.

Just don’t give her the satisfaction.

Retreat. SHE can tell you that you aren’t a bridesmaid.

She isn’t a friend.

CuriousMama · 18/09/2022 22:38

Blimey you've been so patient. I'd have binned her a long time ago. She's so weird.

I'm glad you have grownup friends. Please dump this oddball.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 18/09/2022 22:39

She has said you're pressuring her. This makes no sense, and since the wedding is more than a year away (didn't you say?) so I would leave it a few weeks and see if she contacts you. If she doesn't, message to say that sadly you feel unable to now continue as a bridesmaid.

KitCat35 · 18/09/2022 22:40

This is a rotten situation.

I agree, that you shouldn’t expect
to be / wish to be her bridesmaid anymore. Something has happened that is obviously significant, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that you, or she, have done something wrong.

Getting dropped by a friend / family-member is crushing. Even worse, never finding out the reason why, is horrendous, and can take many years to recover from.

I’ve had two similar incidents in my lifetime:
one where I was fairly young, and my friend seemed to just drop me and one other friend (not the rest of our friendship group) with no explanation, obvious reason or possible motive. I was crushed and humiliated and angry and unbelievably sad. Many years later, we are back in touch, and I asked her what happened. She literally couldn’t explain what happened. She had been struggling with life at that stage, and I wasn’t the right person to help her at that time. I will always feel sad about that, but life is more shades than black and white, so we both have to live with that, and enjoy our friendship now, almost 20 years later.

The second was with my in-laws, whom
i loved and was a part of their lives for 13 years. Very long, boring story short, I cried for years about being cut-out, but latterly learned a lot about their behaviour later, from other family members, their friends etc, and after several years of sadness, realised that actually their behaviour was toxic, their inter-family relationships were verging on scary, and my life would be better without them.

This took years for me to realise.

I am so sad this had happened to you, as it’s awful. Whatever the reason is for this situation, I’d say that being a bridesmaid soon is fairly unlikely and wouldn’t benefit you, your friend or any salvageable relationship you may have. That’s not to say there is no hope for the future, but allow yourself some space just now to walk away and accept the situation as it stands.it’s won’t be easy, but pursuing your friend and torturing yourself won’t be easy either.

Hope you; and your friend, are ok soon x

Diverseopinions · 18/09/2022 22:50

I can only think that she is obsessed with the wedding and only thinks about her friends as players in that. She maybe is so obsessed that she thinks you haven't been excited enough ( as you say) and that feeling of resentment on her part is showing through. She might mistakenly think that she's successfully disguising how she feels.

It's a really bad way to treat you. You are a person in your own right. You have a life. She's not showing an interest in you. Everything is not just about her nuptials. She is being so unreasonable.

I think I'd be tempted to say that you are not keen on going to her wedding, if she doesn't feel warmly towards you. You'd be going in order to share love and goodwill. If she doesn't feel that, not care if she meets up with you and answers your texts, then she isn't feeling goodwill - so to be her bm would be pointless.

I'd say: " I was even wondering if you wanted someone else to take my place, and you are freezing me out, in the hope that our friendship flounders before the big day."

Mythreefavouritethings · 18/09/2022 23:00

OP, to be frank, I think at this point there is no friendship. Friendship can take some knocks, fall-outs, and moments of madness. But this friendship is done, has been a while now, and you're picking at the bones here. The more you pick, the hungrier you will get. Nothing is coming, not any time soon (especially now she knows she's still on your mind sadly - it's how these stupid people operate). If it is, it will be when enough time has passed that she needs you back in your place as Chief Crap Shoveller. Friendship takes two people; from this end there's a lot of heart and soul, a lot of hard work, and a lot of soul-searching and replaying. And a hell of a lot of energy. From her end - tumbleweed. It's not you. It's her. Whether you believe this or not, it doesn't actually matter, because everything you are doing is hitting a brick wall. Put the magnifying glass down, come away from this and turn to the decent people in your life, to the things that interest and energise you, and back to yourself.

RedToothBrush · 18/09/2022 23:13

Aperolsprizter · 18/09/2022 21:27

It’s not about wanting to cling onto a friendship - if it’s done it’s done, I’m just grappling with the idea I’m still in her wedding party

You are not in the wedding party. She has a BM group chat without you in.

Meanwhile you are continuing to not take the hint and are trying to contact her. Thats why she's being stroppy.

Cos she's a coward who is semi-ghosting you and wants to make you the bad guy because she's too gutless to tell you, you aren't in the wedding party.

You need to stop chasing this. You are at the point where you haven't got the self respect to say 'no I'm not a doormat'.

There isn't a friendship to be saved here.

BobDear · 18/09/2022 23:17

Well that's shit.

Yes, it does seem like she is forcing you into a corner where you have to be the one to 'break it off'. I know you don't want to be the 'baddie' but actually, why not? You have other friends and she has treated you appallingly.

I would actually send her one last text along the lines of:

I have always valued your friendship and was really looking forward to being your bridesmaid. It has become crystal clear that you no longer want the friendship or - presumably - my services as your bridesmaid. I am really sad and a little confused as to why, but I'm not a doormat and have taken the hint.

Just before I return what I can and cancel my accommodation, could you please - as a courtesy - confirm that I haven't completely got the wrong end of the stick. A simple - "Yes, best to cancel" will do.

Enjoy your wedding - i truly wish you well.
Aperol

Cameleongirl · 18/09/2022 23:24

Wow, the other bridesmaids have a group chat and you’re not part of it?!

What a spineless cow, she’s clearly decided that she doesn’t want you in the bridal party but as a PP said, she’s too much of a coward to tell you.

Bin her, she’s not worth chasing after. 😡

marriednotdead · 18/09/2022 23:37

BobDear · 18/09/2022 23:17

Well that's shit.

Yes, it does seem like she is forcing you into a corner where you have to be the one to 'break it off'. I know you don't want to be the 'baddie' but actually, why not? You have other friends and she has treated you appallingly.

I would actually send her one last text along the lines of:

I have always valued your friendship and was really looking forward to being your bridesmaid. It has become crystal clear that you no longer want the friendship or - presumably - my services as your bridesmaid. I am really sad and a little confused as to why, but I'm not a doormat and have taken the hint.

Just before I return what I can and cancel my accommodation, could you please - as a courtesy - confirm that I haven't completely got the wrong end of the stick. A simple - "Yes, best to cancel" will do.

Enjoy your wedding - i truly wish you well.
Aperol

This. But ditch that last paragraph- you’re handing her power that will leave you continuing to hang on waiting for a response.
You deserve better. Make other plans for that day with your real friends.

StaunchMomma · 18/09/2022 23:40

I think you'd be doing yourself a huge favour by seeing the wedding issue as your opportunity to take control of the situation.

Don't bother waiting for another message, let her know YOU'RE done with it all. YOUR decision, not whatever she decides is going to happen and you going along with it. Move on. Return the dress and shoes and treat yourself to something nice. Put your energy into your other friends.

You didn't do anything to deserve this treatment OP, so don't accept it.

Letthekidsplay · 18/09/2022 23:41

Send her a link to this thread do she can see what people think of her behaviour just in case she’s deluded enough to think she’s in the right….

StaunchMomma · 18/09/2022 23:44

Oh, and don't lether know you're upset/confused etc and certainly don't give her 'one last opportunity' to have a say.

She's already made herself crystal clear by ignoring you and leaving you out of the wedding chat group.

Don't give her one single more opportunity for an opinion!

Tell her to fuck right off!!

StaunchMomma · 18/09/2022 23:45

Letthekidsplay · 18/09/2022 23:41

Send her a link to this thread do she can see what people think of her behaviour just in case she’s deluded enough to think she’s in the right….

This, all day long!

EntertainingandFactual · 18/09/2022 23:55

sorry if I’ve missed this but how soon is the wedding?

CactusBlossom · 19/09/2022 01:10

You've done everything you can, but you are not getting a sensible response. It seems from what you say that she does this from time to time. I'd just leave it. She might contact you or she might not. The fact that you were left out of the BM group could be hurtful; it could be carelessness, but who knows? She's had the opportunity to tell you but has chosen not to do so. Don't waste any more of your time thinking about it. Move on.

bluesapphire48 · 19/09/2022 01:51

Drop her and move on. Don’t write or try to communicate in any way with her. Forget about the wedding, and if she should ask you, which seems unlikely, don’t act as a bridesmaid. Whatever her game is, don’t give her the satisfaction of thinking she has caused you any pain. She clearly has a problem being honest with people she has made a part of her life, and if she believes any rumor about a friend without checking it out and at least giving a friend a chance to explain, she’s not worth another minute of your time.

It hurts now, but later you won’t even think about her. She’s a creep.

Glitterblue · 19/09/2022 02:00

I was ghosted by one of my closest friends 2 years ago. We had been chatting on messenger, everything was normal then suddenly she stopped replying. I left it a while, then messaged on her birthday to say "happy birthday, how are you all? We haven't spoken in a while". She replied "thanks, we are fine". Didn't ask how we were and didn't say happy birthday to me the following week. I've just found out she's now deleted me on Facebook. It hurts like hell, especially when I've no idea what I've done.

perfectlypickled · 19/09/2022 02:19

Aperolsprizter · 18/09/2022 21:12

Sorry yeah I am taking into account no communication and if I wasn’t involved in hen dos / planning a themed party / sorting my wedding shoes I would do that 😂 it’s just hard to let a friendship go when you’re literally involved in the biggest day of her life

You are not involved in her big day though. They have moved on with the planning and activities without you. You have been told indirectly, more than once that you have been dropped from her big day. Move on, no need to confirm what you already know. If you can return stuff great. No wedding present! Make plans on the wedding day with some of your real friends, go on a mini break then to strengthen your resolve, if necessary.

Let her go. You deserve more than the heartache and self questioning that this situation is causing you ! Be strong, move on 👍. Hugs

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