Bride not talking to me but won’t tell me why - WWYD

[Aperolsprizter]

Genuinely looking for advice here and whether AIBU.

me and friend A have been friends for years - since we were in secondary school. Had years of being very close, the odd argument but came back together when she was going through hard times. Lives very different - she lives with LTP in the countryside, me alone in city etc. I have an intense job where as she has a part time one to focus on hobbies etc.

im meant to be her bridesmaid next year, was asked pre pandemic .

everything was fine until about two months ago. Saw her for a meal, all was fine, no problems. We keep in touch via text so few days later messaged her, it was read and ignored. We had plans for birthday drinks but she never responded. Over the course of two months I text about six times, ranging from as if everything was normal to asking if I’d done something and if we could talk about it, to finally checking if she was ok.

she eventually replied this week saying I’d not done anything wrong but she felt I was “pressuring” her and she didn’t like it. I apologised and said not really sure what’s gone on? I saw her in person today at a birthday meal in a formal setting and she was very strange, positioning her body so I was cut out of conversations etc. a further drink in our local hometown was also arranged but I wasn’t told and was told there wasn’t enough room in the car to go.

my question is - there’s clearly something wrong but I genuinely have no idea what I’ve done. We don’t have many mutual friends so I don’t think she’s heard something through someone that’s annoyed her, for example. I tried to make plans again today but she said she isn’t free until January - FWIW she’s been seeing other friends (which is fine but indicates it’s not just that she’s not feeling social).

she won’t tell me what’s wrong, but there clearly is something. I’m upset and feel like I should drop out of her wedding. Would you message again and ask what’s wrong, or give space? It sounds pathetic but I’m quite upset by a lost friend :(

[Wombatbum]

It sounds like she doesn’t want you to be her bridesmaid any more so is being like this so you’ll say you don’t want to be. Nowt so queer as folk. Hugs as I’ve been ghosted by my best friend too and it’s shit.

[Ethsmum]

She being a bully and playing mind games. Don’t rise to it, pull out from the wedding, wish her all the best, move on… don’t give her the time of day.

[Mikki77]

OMG - this happened to me!

Basically my friend became close to other people during lockdown. She worked PT so organised walks and outdoor socialising with these people.
I however worked full time from home and basically walked around my local park when I could.
After lockdown when we finally met we were talking about her wedding she asked to change the subject. She said she felt I was pressuring her to keep me as her bridesmade and she'd changed her mind. She wanted to replace me (her school friend for over 14years) with someone she had known 3years that walked with her during lockdown.
I stepped down as bridesmaid and left her to it!

[Meili04]

Leave her to it and let her contact you. One of my oldest friends stopped talking to me after she asked would I get pregnant again (she was pregnant and we went through our first pregnancy together) I said no as I'm working on my career and I think I only want 1DC. I didn't know what happened she started blanking and ignoring me it was only months later she got into contact and said she was hurt. I apologised but said it wasn't directed at her choices it's just how I felt. It might be over something silly .

[Arbesque]

@Aperolsprizter

Hi,
she has done this before where she just stops making plans and acts annoyed and then comes back, but not as brutally as this before.

i really don’t think she’s got another bridesmaid because of the quite specific dynamic in how they’ve been chosen, but I do wonder if she just wants me to drop out. She was annoyed last year over a perceived lack of excitement over her wedding (not wed until 2023 and this was 2021). Id sent cards and flowers on engagement but I’d not made many moves in planning a hen do for a year in advance and she was annoyed about that. But I took that on board as we sorted it

She sounds like really hard work.

[Lovemylittlebear]

If it were me…

politely drop out of wedding and then not bother with her again x

[amispeakingintongues]

She sounds unbearably narcissistic. Drop out from bridesmaid duty, you don’t deserve this treatment no matter how many times she’s done this before - its not normal behaviour. Also agree she’s trying to force you into dropping out and replace you. You said you don’t think so re dynamics of the group but it already sounds like a crap dynamic to have a bridesmaid who you ignore, present at the wedding.

weddings really can bring out the worst in people but at least you’re starting to see her for who she is. Similar happened to me with a school friend.. more of a ghosting situation so I understand how confusing and painful it is, but you deserve her honesty at the least and she can’t even give you that. Don’t waste another moment on her, no messages, no nothing. Find new friends x

[burnoutbabe]

In terms of the hen do gad it happened? Or is it booked/ paid for and coming up? Can you drop out or not if you organises it?

If hen do not planned yet or has happened I'd just stay quiet and see what happens.

[TheLongGallery]

I had a friendship fall apart in lockdown, she couldn’t drive and I had given her multiple lifts so I realise now I was of no further use to her as no one was allowed anywhere. She was a bit of a user on reflection and incredibly critical. She had a massive chip on her shoulder as she had been brought up on a council estate.

I have maintained friendships that span countries and decades no problem. No friendship is worth what she is doing to you.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I don't think I would drop out of her wedding actually. Well - I wouldn't expect to be part of it, but by not telling her I'm withdrawing, she'd have to contact me and tell me I'm dropped. Yes, I would be that petty.

"as I said thinking back this happens on cycle every couple of years and as an adult I don’t know if I really need that stress."
And that is the reason why I'd be petty enough to force her to boot me out. Really - fuck her and her school playground bullying! I'd be absolutely playing with her now, and pissing her off - just for fun. My fun. But I expect you're a better person than me OP.

[wentworthinmate]

Never ever contact her again by any means. If you bump into her at a do or in the street, ignore ignore ignore. She is done with you and you need to do the same. It may hurt but that will pass. She is a child.

[akabluebell]

This happened to me. It transpired during a couples meal out with her she was jealous I was getting on really well with her newish partner.

Friends like that you don't need, life's stressful without adding that crap to the mix.

[Craftybodger]

So she has form for this, she’s keeping you guessing and has ignored your birthday. I wouldn’t do anything, it’s up to her to do the running, grovelling and explaining. Let her be.

i wouldn’t call anyone who treats you like that a friend.

[Beepbeepenergy]

I would definitely not make a single contact to her again!!
And definitely not got to the wedding but I wouldn’t tell her I’d just leave it now and she will know your not off to the weddin on the day when you don’t arrive

[UnicornsDoExist]

You sound lovely! Everyone needs a friend like you I think! She’s the one missing out!!

[butterpuffed]

You're far too nice for her, OP . She drops you when she feels like it and picks you back up when she wants to , because she knows you'll let her . She's not a good friend , you deserve better .

[Adviceplease991]

@Mikki77

OMG - this happened to me!

Basically my friend became close to other people during lockdown. She worked PT so organised walks and outdoor socialising with these people.
I however worked full time from home and basically walked around my local park when I could.
After lockdown when we finally met we were talking about her wedding she asked to change the subject. She said she felt I was pressuring her to keep me as her bridesmade and she'd changed her mind. She wanted to replace me (her school friend for over 14years) with someone she had known 3years that walked with her during lockdown.
I stepped down as bridesmaid and left her to it!

I came on to say the same thing happened to me too!

I was meant to me MoH to a woman and she started to behave appauling towards me before the wedding - my sisters and family seen the messages. It was so odd. I never heard from her and did not attend the wedding. I was heart broken.

[Geppili]

"the odd argument but came back together when she was going through hard times."

This is your answer. She is not currently in hard times, so your 'value' to her has dropped, for now, until she needs you again. She is a fair weather friend. You sound lovely. She, not so much.

[EerieSilence]

This is my pet peeve. Silent treatment and keep the other side guessing is one of the worst kinds of emotional abuse.
She doesn't deserve you. Get out of the wedding and the so called friendship. She's a moron.

[Lunificent]

I don’t think you should have messaged her. Nothing good will come of it.
She doesn’t like you. Get rid.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You say you sent her flowers and a card as she had a promotion. I think you said you had a recent birthday. Did she acknowledge this?

[DamnUserName21]

Friendship is a two way street. Sounds like this has been one way a long time but you are too close to it to see it. You've known each other since secondary school. People change, grow apart.
Completely agree with PPs-she definitely is hard work and 'fair weather.'
I'd pull out of the wedding (it gives her plenty of notice to find someone else), cease contact, and get on with my life.

[Mamamoo12]

I really feel for you. I have been here before and it really does hurt. Personally I wouldn’t even ask her what’s wrong anymore, you’ve already done that and she wouldn’t give you an answer. She said she feels you are pressuring her so I would just back off altogether. She’s out of order for making you feel this way and if she was a true friend she wouldn’t do that. If she wants to talk, let her come to you. Don’t even mention the wedding. By the sounds of it you can do no right no matter what you do!

[fucap]

It's possible she has decided she no longer wants you as bridesmaid for whatever reason and doesn't know how to tell you, so is behaving like this so she doesn't have to deal with it.
I'd not contact her again though and assume that my bridesmaid's role was over. She knows where you are.
But I probably wouldn't bother with her in the future, even if she suddenly gets in touch again. This isn't the first time it's happened. Way too much drama.

[LaDamaDeElche]

Your friend sounds a bit toxic tbh. Blowing hot and cold for no reason isn't emotionally healthy behaviour and is quite narcissistic. You should expect better treatment from people around you. I genuinely don't understand why you would allow someone to treat you like this more than once. It sounds like you pander to it and pussyfoot around her, which is why she continues. You should value yourself more highly and not allow people who are supposed to care about you to treat you like that. Her past and whether she's had a hard time are no justification for her behaviour to you, on what sounds like a fair few occasions. You'd be a fool to continue to engage with her toxic games and an even bigger fool to be her bridesmaid after she's treated you so poorly.