Husband not invited to stag event

[Lorrymum]

My niece (brothers daughter)was married last year. We travelled to Florida for the wedding. My DH kept asking when the stag do would take place but it seemed nothing was happening so dropped it.
When we returned he saw pictures Facebook of a shooting event that every man who was at the wedding attended but he hadn't been asked to.
He is deeply hurt and when I asked my brother about it he just said someone else arranged it and my DH had somehow been forgotten.
I can't forgive my brother for this and we just feel ridiculous for continually asking about something that had already happened but was kept from us for some reason.

This is bonkers. You ‘can’t forgive’ your brother because your husband wasn’t invited to an event that a) wasn’t for him and b) wasn’t organised by him? The groom’s friend, or whoever organised it, was the one who didn’t invite your husband - presumably because he doesn’t know him from a bar of soap.

You’ve said that all the other male members of the wedding party were there - but who does that include? If you had three sisters and all their husbands were invited, but not yours, you might have had a point. But if the other men in the wedding party were the two fathers, the groom’s brothers and his oldest friends (for example), it’s understandable that your husband wasn’t on the list:

Also, you don’t say if there was anyone else there. As it was a small destination wedding, presumably there were friends who didn’t go? Perhaps more of them went on the stag, and the organiser didn’t think to invite relatives of the bride.

Continually asking about the stag do was cringeworthy behaviour. Why couldn’t he have just waited for an invitation?

You’ve said that all the other male members of the wedding party were there - but who does that include? If you had three sisters and all their husbands were invited, but not yours, you might have had a point. But if the other men in the wedding party were the two fathers, the groom’s brothers and his oldest friends (for example), it’s understandable that your husband wasn’t on the list

This is the question I would most like answered here!

Alongside, ‘how close is the groom to his fiancées dad’s sister’s husband?’ It’s lovely saying you’ve known him for ages and think he’s lovely, but how often does your husband spend time with the groom? Just them?

We absolute understand the context and specifics. You don't seem to understand that the stags and the wedding have nothing to do with eachh other.

And no, you are misrepresenting entirely, she did not say they were surprised and bit hurt, she said they were deeply hurt and would never forgive her brother.
Also 26 people went to the wedding, 25 of them did NOT go to the stags, half of them were women.
IT is not a normal response to be so wildly hurt to not be included in an event you have no reasonable expectation of being included in.

@TheGoodFighter

Ok so not 26 men - but every single man at the wedding (however many they were) went on the stag, bar her DH.

So he was the only one at the wedding to have not been invited & he’s spending time & significant cost to be with with them as their guests, abroad & in the same hotel.

That is still rude & not ideal behaviour.

Ok if whoever messed up or organised said as much I’m sure that wld make it better for OP - or even said a reason.

But whatever you look at it it’s still not ideal.

They’ve every right to feel hurt/upset whatever the emotion is.

1, 13, 17 & 18. We don't know the specifics. We don't know how many men were at the wedding and how many men were at the stag. It could have been just the groom, groom's brother, groom's father and groom's best friend at the wedding with 30 friends back home who only went to the stag. But there definitely wasn't 26 men at the wedding.

1. OP is related to the bride. Neither OP nor her husband are related to the groom.

1. Would a non-friend and a non-relative really expect an invitation to a stag do?

1. Bonding is not the point of a stag/hen do.

but every single man at the wedding (however many they were) went on the stag, bar her DH

If that was the groom, the best man, the groom’s three brothers, his dad, two best mates, the brides dad and the bride’s brothers, it’s perfectly reasonable that the groom’s fiancée’s, dad’s sister’s husband wasn’t invited.

The fact that he was constantly asking when the wedding was and is ‘deeply hurt’ about it (despite being invited to the wedding!) suggests that he is probably quite hard work. Some might suggest that’s why he wasn’t invited.

I'm not sure why you keep banging on about him going to the wedding...its an entirely seperate thing. Being invited to the wedding doesn't mean you get invited to the stags. So he spent time and money to go to the wedding, so what? How is that in any way connected?
It isn't.

They do not have every right to be so offended and entitled.

this thread is still annoying me as people aren’t getting the context. Out of a group of 26 who were travelling together to Florida (and staying together) the ops husband was the only one not invited. She has stated that they are close to the groom so not someone they barely know. You have every right to be annoyed OP but I don’t know what you can do about it now.

@Krabapple
You are not getting the context. Assuming the 26 who attended the wedding were a male-female equal split, there would have been 14 people who did not attend the stag do. More people did not attend than did. The OP did not say she/they were close to the groom. She said they had known him since he was 16 and “love him dearly”. That doesn’t mean they were close to him, or that he was close to them.

I have given up trying to explain to be honest! But thanks to those who did understand and the kind support given.

If you hadn't given up without telling us how the other people who went to the stag were related to/know the groom you may have got more sympathy!

Oh, don’t ruin a relationship with your brother over this. He probably didn’t even get a look in where the stag do was concerned.

You could end up not speaking to people you claim to have known and loved dearly for 16 years too, and their partner, who loved you back enough to invite you to their wedding 4500 miles away.

Ok, your DH is hurt, you are too, but you are also old enough to know that sometimes we get thoughtlessly left out in life, but not necessarily intentionally to hurt us. It might warrant a conversation but certainly not a falling out.

Exactly!

Its bizarre how some people post a problem, only answer the questions they fancy then get cross the advice isn’t what they wanted!

I haven't fallen out with my brother. He probably has no idea how I feel about what happened. I haven't even discussed it with my husband. Its just something I feel and I can't shake off.
If my husband wasn't wanted at the stag for whatever reason, so be it. But to keep us in the dark about something by my own family is hurtful.
We had been involved with discussions prior to wedding. We were under the impression the stag do would take place in Florida. That is why we expected it to happen while we were in Florida and why we asked while in Florida. We didn't keep banging on about it but every morning we wondered if it would happen that evening. We would have to make arrangements, clothes, money, transport etc.
No one told us it had happened at home until we saw it on a fellow guests Facebook page.

Fair enough. It would have been nice to have also had a little night out in Florida too, to Disney Springs or something, assuming you were there.

I’m surprised that didn’t happen and can see why you thought it might. Florida has fantastic golf courses; shooting ranges; airboat rides etc that would have made for a fun time! I guess that’s why your DH was asking? Needed to know whether to pack his polo shirt and golf shoes? 😊

But, it’s over now and you can’t change it. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be hurt, but you definitely shouldn’t dwell on it anymore. I really doubt it was personal.

If you haven’t discussed it with your husband how do you know he is deeply hurt?

I agree it’s strange your brother didn’t explain it had already happened. He should have. If you asked every day it was clear you expected to be invited and your brother should have explained the groom had already had the event at home with his circle of friends.

I do think there is a lesson here for you and your husband. Don’t assume an intimacy that isn’t there. It’s lovely you were invited to the wedding, and that you were invited to your niece’s hen do. But don’t presume an invite is coming - wait to receive it and if you don’t, don’t ask.

over the years, particularly if this couple have children there will be birthday parties and Christmas and graduations and school plays over the years. You won’t always be in the inner circle for these things - and that’s okay. Just enjoy the events you are invited to.

It's over, lesson learnt
Also never air your emotions on Mumsnet if you don't have a thick skin. I have been called more names on here than I ever thought possible.

Unfortunately a lot of people see AIBU as a free for all to insult people.

That is simply not true, so its not the rest if us not getting the context, is it?

Why lie, OP? You haven't been called any names at all. None.
You have lied and backtracked and pretended, and you can't cope with the fact that you are very firmly in thw wrong and most people can see that.

I have been called insane, dramatic, rude, ludicrous, entitled, unreasonable, huffy.
I hadn't realise people could get so angry about the unhappiness of another human being.

Those are not names. They are descriptions. And no-one is angry, you're just words on a screen, why on earth would you imagine anyone is angry?
How very odd.

OP your response appeared overly dramatic for the circumstances.

you said you adult husband - who I assume is in his fifties or sixties - was ‘deeply hurt’ at not being invited to his Niece by marriage’s fiancé’s stag do. You said you can’t forgive your brother for this. And then you did you felt ridiculous for constantly asking about an event your husband wasn’t invited to.

no One was nasty but they pointed out your response very dramatic, emotional and disproportionate.

I assume you came on here for a reality check. You disagree with the majority of folk here who said it was presumptive to assume your husband would be invited.

you sound like hard work as a couple - which may explain the lack of invite. Instead of reflecting on this you have become very defensive.

Regardless of how close they are, I'm surprised at the responses here. If all but one man at the wedding was invited to the stag do, that is very off. I went to a very close friend's wedding years ago. She invited every woman attending on her hen do. There was one, the wife of her now husband's friend, who was the only one she didn't really know - still invited her as it would have been nasty, to be honest, to invite every single other woman and exclude her.
I don't really believe that those saying it's fine would be perfectly happy and not at all hurt to discover they were the only one not invited to the hen do, especially after travelling so far to attend the wedding.

I think you have both overreacted to say you'll never forgive him OP, it was a horrible thing to do but ultimately, I'd try to forget it and not make as much effort with them in future.

What about what’s been paraphrased is simply not true @TheGoodFighter?

Why are you denying what the OP has actually said? Were you there?

You have lied and backtracked and pretended, and you can't cope with the fact that you are very firmly in thw wrong and most people can see that.

Have you listened to yourself?