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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not invited to stag event

266 replies

Lorrymum · 17/09/2022 17:15

My niece (brothers daughter)was married last year. We travelled to Florida for the wedding. My DH kept asking when the stag do would take place but it seemed nothing was happening so dropped it.
When we returned he saw pictures Facebook of a shooting event that every man who was at the wedding attended but he hadn't been asked to.
He is deeply hurt and when I asked my brother about it he just said someone else arranged it and my DH had somehow been forgotten.
I can't forgive my brother for this and we just feel ridiculous for continually asking about something that had already happened but was kept from us for some reason.

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 18/09/2022 09:31

Lorrymum · 18/09/2022 08:58

I don't want anything to happen. I have only mentioned it once to my brother, not annoyed just hurt. The stag do was discussed every time we met with family. Should they go to a night club, carting, snooker tournament etc.
So far on this thread I have been called rude, dramatic, unreasonable, ludicrous, ridiculous, huffy etc. I maybe oversensitive but the other adjectives used are just unkind.

Not annoyed and yet started the thread complaining how you could never forgive your brother, for an event that wasn’t really even his!

Krabapple · 18/09/2022 09:48

I am getting so frustrated by people not reading the op today!!! Of course you have a right to be upset. Travelling to a wedding & then being the only one not invited, despite asking about it is completely out of order

YumYummy · 18/09/2022 09:50

I went to an overseas wedding and lots of the wedding guests hadn’t been invited the hen or stag dos.

luxxlisbon · 18/09/2022 09:51

Krabapple · 18/09/2022 09:48

I am getting so frustrated by people not reading the op today!!! Of course you have a right to be upset. Travelling to a wedding & then being the only one not invited, despite asking about it is completely out of order

Maybe you should read the OPs posts?
It has never been mentioned that everyone else who attended the wedding went to the stag and the stag was in the UK so travelling to the wedding is irrelevant.

Since when do you have to invite someone to the stag/ hen just because they travelled to the wedding? Should my husband’s grandmother have come to my hen because she came to the wedding??

Stripedbag101 · 18/09/2022 10:07

Lorrymum · 18/09/2022 08:58

I don't want anything to happen. I have only mentioned it once to my brother, not annoyed just hurt. The stag do was discussed every time we met with family. Should they go to a night club, carting, snooker tournament etc.
So far on this thread I have been called rude, dramatic, unreasonable, ludicrous, ridiculous, huffy etc. I maybe oversensitive but the other adjectives used are just unkind.

Be careful about making your nieces wedding about your husband.

most people would shrug this off. I honestly don’t know anyone who would assume their husband should be invited to their nieces finances stag do.

the repeated asking doesn’t reflect well.

this will turn into a family story - oh yes remember Emily’s wedding - uncle Phil got really weird about the stag do - assumed he should be there and kept asking and asking. It was really awkward. Tony doesn’t really know him and it was just his mates, brothers and the fathers of the bride and groom. Auntie Helen had a real go at dad about it. Really odd. Don’t talk about any of your plans infront of them - they need to be at the centre of everything. They will be a nightmare when we all have kids!

Flatandhappy · 18/09/2022 10:12

You are never going to know if it was an oversight or intentional but it is obviously causing you both a lot of distress. I think for the sake of your sanity you need to try and let it go which I appreciate can be difficult. Ignore the mean people on here, there are many of them!

Stripedbag101 · 18/09/2022 10:17

I do think this couple needs to consider why it is causing so much distress. I don’t think many would get worked up about this.

there must be a significant enough age difference. The groom probably didn’t even think his wife’s sisters husband would be interested in attending his stage do.

yes all wedding plans are living discussed among extended family.

you were both invited to an intimate wedding. Be pleased about that. Don’t look for offence.

in our family we have a cousin we don’t really know who is always complaining we don’t visit him enough and he is left out of things. His expectations are far too high and is attitude has only pushed us further away.

howshouldibehave · 18/09/2022 10:17

My DH didn’t invite my dad-or even his dad!-to his stag night, it was just friends and our brothers (who were all the same sort of age and we were at university with-so come under the ‘friends’ category. He certainly wouldn’t have invited his own uncles, let alone my dad’s sister’s husband!

I would say that IF the groom and your husband are really close (are they? I don’t believe you’ve said?) then an invite might be unexpected and rather touching. But, the way you say…

My DH kept asking when the stag do would take place

sadly makes him sound quite hard work.

Can you answer how well the groom and your husband get on? Do they text each other regularly? Do they go to the pub/cinema/football just the two/small group of them? If not, then why would he think he should be invited?

purplechaos · 18/09/2022 10:17

I think with this kind of thing all you can do is conclude that you (here, your DH) are not as close to the person as you thought you were. It's not for your brother to comment on. You can't force people to feel a certain way or make them apologise for not feeling that way, as upsetting as it is when from your side you though you were closer.

2bazookas · 18/09/2022 10:21

DH's neice did not have a stag night.

The stag night was held for the man she was to marry. You've been given a perfectly credible reason why DH was missed off the Stag's guest list.

You're being completely ridiculous.

Stripedbag101 · 18/09/2022 10:21

I will admit I have experience this - I think a lot of people have. I wasn’t invited to a friends baby shower. I was embarrassed and hurt when I heard people discuss it.

buy that’s life. It made me rethink my view of the friendship and take a step back. But I maintained my dignity, and didn’t let my hurt show.

I certainly didn’t bring it up.

there have been cousins hen dos that I haven’t been invited to dispute being at the destination wedding. To be honest I didn’t even think about that until typing this. I wasn’t hurt at all about that! They clearly wanted their close friends there.

howshouldibehave · 18/09/2022 10:27

I didn’t even invite DH’s cousin to my hen night-I didn’t know them well and they lived miles away and wouldn’t have known anyone.

I think that unless the groom and this chap (his wife to be’s dad’s, sister’s husband) are very close, there’s no reason for him to be invited.

skilpadde · 18/09/2022 10:30

Krabapple · 18/09/2022 09:48

I am getting so frustrated by people not reading the op today!!! Of course you have a right to be upset. Travelling to a wedding & then being the only one not invited, despite asking about it is completely out of order

It is really frustrating when people don't read the OP's posts, isn't it?

As an aside, the stag do was in the UK, before anyone travelled to the overseas wedding.

watcherintherye · 18/09/2022 10:37

I would think it was a bit pointed, if the stag do had taken place in Florida after everyone had travelled out, and op’s dh was the only male not invited. However, it was in the UK and I would think that the groom’s fiancée’s aunt’s husband was a bit of a stretch, unless they regularly socialise together?

I would only be hurt about this if there were men with a similar level of fairly distant relationship to the groom who did get invited. Was this the case? I don’t think the op can blame her brother for something organised by his daughter’s fiancé’s friend, in any case.

SurfBox · 18/09/2022 11:02

My niece was married in last May. My OH was not invited to the Stag. He didn't give a damn and neither did I. Relieved is the word more like

depends on the family dynamics though and who is close to who. If all the other uncles were invited and one was not then I get it.

MrsTimRiggins · 18/09/2022 11:05

I’m assuming they’re not really mates outside of being related (by marriage, by marriage!) why are you even surprised? The fact everyone else from the wedding was there is not surprising because it was a small wedding so everyone else probably was close to the groom in ways that your husband isn’t.

SurfBox · 18/09/2022 11:10

They didn't want him there. It's as simple as that. We all have different relationships with people we are allowed to choose who we want to invite

yea but that still doesn't make the damage less if you get me. It's the fact that they didn't want him there that the op and her dh are hurt and why the damage is done. It leaves a stain and causes an issue when people are excluded.

I do think it depends on the context;if all the other men were invited bar op's dh then you'd want to know why? Also were the op's dh and the groom even close? I do know many stags though and never have seen an uncle on one.

In this case I not read the fill thread but it appears the stag happened in Florida and was a small guest list and op's dh was the only 1 not invited so I get why they were hurt.

Felicity42 · 18/09/2022 11:11

Can you contact who did arrange the Stag do? And get their side of it. It could have been a genuine error.

skilpadde · 18/09/2022 11:12

SurfBox · 18/09/2022 11:02

My niece was married in last May. My OH was not invited to the Stag. He didn't give a damn and neither did I. Relieved is the word more like

depends on the family dynamics though and who is close to who. If all the other uncles were invited and one was not then I get it.

The OP has pointedly not offered any clarification about how well the groom knew his fianceé's dad's sister's husband.

Certainly, there doesn't appear to have been a relationship, as the OP would surely have said so if there was.

For all we know, they hadn't even met prior to the overseas wedding.

girlmom21 · 18/09/2022 11:12

Felicity42 · 18/09/2022 11:11

Can you contact who did arrange the Stag do? And get their side of it. It could have been a genuine error.

Why on earth would you do that?

skilpadde · 18/09/2022 11:13

@SurfBox The stag do happened in the UK, prior to anyone travelling to the overseas wedding.

howshouldibehave · 18/09/2022 11:14

@Lorrymum who were the other men from the wedding who ALL went to the stag?

If only 25 people went to the wedding, I’m presuming only half were men, so that could quite easily have been the groom, best man, 3 ushers, 2 brothers, his own uncles, his dad and your brother. All of those people would have been hugely closer to the groom than your husband which is why all of them got invited. I would be touched you were one of their best 25 people, not pissed off that your husband wasn’t one of the groom’s closest people.

I’m presuming you went to your niece’s hen night because you are her aunt and are really close?

We can only presume here as you don’t appear to want to answer anyone’s questions.

Readaboutyourself · 18/09/2022 11:16

Last year?! Why are you holding resentment this long?

skilpadde · 18/09/2022 11:17

Felicity42 · 18/09/2022 11:11

Can you contact who did arrange the Stag do? And get their side of it. It could have been a genuine error.

The stag do was probably organised by the groom's best friend / best man.

You think that that man should be contacted? To say what?

"Hi there, you know that stag do you arranged last year for your mate the groom? You didn't invite his fianceé's dad's sister's husband... was that a genuine error?"

Seriously?

zingally · 18/09/2022 11:20

"Brides uncle who isn't blood" is a VERY tenuous link to get an invite to the stag do. YABVU.

Has the groom-to-be ever spoken to your DH? Are they close? If not, there's your answer.