Tired of being scared of men

[NotLactoseFree]

I'm not really being unreasonable, I know. But it's so frustrating.

From our local shopping centre, to return to the car park there is a pedestrian crossing that runs over the vehicular entrance to the car park. Lots of signs reminding cars to stop for the pedestrian crossing etc. I was half way across on my way back to my car today when two young men pulled into the car park and clearly felt they had right of way. They then aggressively pretended to drive into me while shouting that I should look where I'm going etc. Obviously they were just OBLIVIOUS to the pedestrian crossing. I wasn't in the mood so shouted back that it's a pedestrian crossing and if they can't see that they shouldn't be driving. They were aggressive, unpleasant etc and after I'd crossed, roared past swearing at me.

Fine. Annoying, but fine.

Then I suddenly had a complete moment of panic as I realised that if they wanted to, they could very easily just drive round and continue to harass me from inside the car park etc and of course, there's never a lot of people around. So I dashed to my car prepared to hide behind other cars if they chose to come in my direction rather than heading up the ramp to the next level.

I was in the right. They didn't see a pedestrian crossing, tried to scare me, then shouted at me - all before I did a thing. But I was the one who was suddenly terrified. it makes me so angry.

I hear you. I love to go walking in the woods, but every time I am looking over my shoulder. And wondering how long my luck will last. I always think how wonderful it must be to be a man and to be able to walk completely (mostly) fearless.

Tbh you don't have to be a man not to keep looking over your shoulder all the time.

It would also not cross my mind to think about hoding behin cars. In my experience twats like that just shout and then bugger off.

Try to remember that you're safer in public than you are at home with a male partner or relative. You're much more likely to be harmed by someone you know and trust than you are by a stranger.

I find it helps to try to see things for what they are once you strip the emotion out of it. What you experienced was a shit driver thinking it was funny to drive dangerously. It's not about YOU - you did nothing wrong.

Why is it that women feel threatened and men don't? Men are more likely to be assaulted than women, men are more likely to be murdered than women, yet they don't (seem to) worry about the threat. Maybe they feel more comfortable that they'll be able to defend themselves, but the stats show that that's often not the case.

Same here, except I don't walk in woods alone anymore. I really wish I could but I would be worried the whole time.

Yep. The other week I came round some parked cars and misjudged how much time I had, the car coming who had right of way (driven by a man in his 50s-60s) drove straight at me, took my wing mirror off then got out of his car whilst I was in the road picking it up and screamed 'serves you right you fucking selfish bitch' at me. I can guarantee you this would not have happened if a) I had been a young male rather than a young female or b) if I had had my 6ft5 male partner with me. I am sick of being intimidated and bullied by men of certain age.

Dh and I were walking along the edge of Hyde Park at about 10.30pm a couple of weeks ago. We were walking on a wide, unlit path under the trees, on the very edge of the park.

I heard footsteps, glanced over my shoulder, and realised that the two men who I had noticed sitting in the shadows at the start of the path were quietly catching up with us.

Immediately I said to dh "Let's walk on the bright road" and swerved the three of us onto the brightly lit street running parallel to the path.

Obviously I have no way of knowing whether these men meant us any harm, or, like us, were ambling contentedly home after a pleasant summer evening.

Back home, I explained my actions to dh. He was bewildered. Although dh remembered seeing the men at the start of the path, he had not registered them as any kind of possible hazard, and he had not clocked them walking behind us. It simply did not occur to him that there was anything to be concerned about.

I'd quite like to be able to enjoy a stroll in the dark with dh. I'd like to be able to stroll alone! Had I been alone, I wouldn't even have been on the bright, quiet street next to the park - I would have been another street over, on busy Knightsbridge.

I do walk in the woods alone every day I refuse to not enjoy the world because of men if they can't control themselves they can stay at home and be a prisoner because I'm not.

I think it's more what @whatshouldIdo2022 said - I wasn't worried about being hurt so much as them coming and bullying/intimidating me or damaging my car or something. Feelig powerless perhaps? And as What says, it's the knowledge that they wouldn't treat a man that way.

Yeah if I was my partner I'd probably have walked right up to him and had a go about driving into people deliberately safe in the knowledge he would back down. But, because I'm tiny and female and young I just had to take it and get back into the safety of my car ASAP, leaving him to no doubt go on and do similar to another woman.

Women are more vunerable than men in every day life.

Dave Chappelle made a cracking joke about carrying valuables, his fear that other stronger people would steal his valuables, it made him vunerable and said it must be how women feel every day in life, protecting valuable assets from predators who can take their value with brute strength.

I bought DD a personal alarm.

Unfortunately, I believe that a lot of men WOULD treat men the same way. I have seem first hand men in vehicles do the exact same thing you have described to other men. I don't think their aggressive and twatish behaviour is reserved to only women. They are aggressive twats to everyone.

I witnessed a department store manager yank a young female worker by the t-shirt, he absolutely shit himself when I called him out and insisted on speaking to his superiors.
He wouldn't dare to that to young Male employees.

I get this op. I am sure a lot of us have been in similar situations though what bothers me the most are my comebacks. Sometimes I refuse to react wondering what that person would do ...you know given that i am a women. But at most times I regret not saying anything back due to the fear of what would happen next if I said something.

Once I was crossing with my child in buggy at afternoon and I was waiting for both sides of traffic to stop when a man on my right in a car motioned me to go ahead.... luckily I was still looking both ways and went only a little further when out of nowhere a car with two guys went past me from the opposite side if the road (high street) and I froze .... I still shudder to think what would have happened to me or my child in the buggy if I had crossed. The man who motioned me to go was furious he stormed out his car and yelled at them. I was so grateful that he stood up for me. It took me a couple of days to get over it though.

I don’t feel threatened like this at all. I think you need to build your confidence.
As someone quite rightly pointed out, men are at more risk of being assaulted/murdered. I fear for my male relatives more than myself.

At work (retail) I’ve been sexually assaulted 5 times in 6 years-the police ‘have a word’
ive lost count how many times I’ve been asked if ‘I fancy a shag love,I’ll be waiting’
it’s never,ever a woman asking or doing-it’s 100% of the time a male
fucking sick of it-I have to pay for a taxi to get home or get my dp to pick me up if I finish late as im too frightened to walk home after dark
im dog sitting next week for a friend and am having to plan walking him in daylight just because there’s more chance of being attacked after dark
i was once walking another mates dog in a graveyard a few weeks ago and was flashed at by a man
All because I’m a female and not male

This.
Without in any way wanting to diminish the very real harassment and worse that women are subjected to, I think women's fear is fetishised and whipped up out of all proportion to actual risk.

As someone quite rightly pointed out, men are at more risk of being assaulted/murdered. I fear for my male relatives more than myself.

You should read Invisible Women and Everyday Sexism. The "Official" statistics don't begin to show the reality of what women endure.

Of course. It's my fault.

DH has had the odd person hoot at him or aggressively shake a fist, sure. But he's never had the sort of experience I've had today. Because if it had been him, the men would probably have stopped then cursed at him as they drove past, giving him the finger.

He was in a minor accident a few months ago. The husband of the woman who drove into him was quite aggressive, it's true, but the other big difference - DH wasn't scared. He was more worried about what this man was going to do to his wife as he was clearly LIVID about the whole thing and was screaming at her too.

I've felt threatened and harassed by strange men many times and most of those did not get reported(for various reasons) and one(a weapon was involved, was not followed up on.) The statistics are just a drop in the ocean.

There is a really interesting Podcast by Malcolm Gladwell about the Stand and defend rule in the US, which basically allows you to defend your property rather than the Duty to retreat. Not every state has it and the data that fell out of it was interesting. Obv the homicide rate went up BUT white men being killed went up much higher than expected. They explained this as they were more likely to be into gun culture, members if the NRA etc. And also had the belief that they could protect themselves....

I don't think it helps to have a it wouldn't happen to a man thought for everything. Walking in woods or in te dark understandable to be scared., but an aggressive man is usually aggressive to other men as well as women. And the ones aggressive to other men imo are more likely to use violence against other men than women. Twice in the last month I have been a passenger in a taxi, where the male driver has been threatened with violence.

I'm really sorry, OP, and I totally hear you.

I don't know if men's behaviour has got worse, or I have woken up to it, but in the past two years I have had many encounters like the one you describe. Vile, entitled, women-hating, misogynistic encounters. It's no exaggeration to say you can see the loathing in their eyes. And its almost always related to driving.

Personally I am not actually afraid of men, and I haven't altered my own behaviour, although I'm not in the least surprised that many women are, and have. But I do feel very worn down by it. I look at my lovely DH and my sons and the other decent, respectful men in my life, and wonder, where the fuck are these men coming from?

A few years ago, my 6'6" rugby player husband was driving his very small car, when a man in another car cut him up and then continued to try to intimidate with his driving. He then stopped in front of dh at some traffic lights, and got out of his car and started walking over to dh's car. Dh opened his car door too, and stood up. The bully took one look at him, turned around and walked back to his own car quickly. He obviously hadn't seen who was driving the car, and assumed a woman or a more petite man was driving such a small car.

I imagine some of the issue there is that there’s a big difference between having a gun, and knowing how to use a gun. Just owning a gun seems to give a lot of people a false sense of security, making it more more likely that they’ll act in a way that puts them at risk.

@whatisheupto

I always think how wonderful it must be to be a man and to be able to walk completely (mostly) fearless.

Respectfully, I think that is a great misconception.

Men are not at any less risk from criminals than women - although granted they usually face different kinds of threats.

I think the main difference is that crime against men has no real public or political profile, which I guess makes it seem like it doesn't exist.

(See the recent thread which showed men make up a significant minority of domestic violence victims - several people were openly shocked and rushed to rubbish or question the figures).

Most men I know have been a victim of violent crime at some point or other (usually in their teens or 20s). The typical response from Police is simply to record the incident and give them a crime number, so they can try to claim compensation for it. That's it. No "Police Work" is carried out, as to identify and locate those responsible.

I think it is good for everyone - male or female - to be concerned with their own safety and be streetwise where appropriate.

I think the feminist portrayal of encouraging women to be streetwise as being "victim blaming" is deeply irresponsible.

And we should not see it as a men v women issue, but rather society against criminals / predators issue.