Tired of being scared of men

[NotLactoseFree]

I'm not really being unreasonable, I know. But it's so frustrating.

From our local shopping centre, to return to the car park there is a pedestrian crossing that runs over the vehicular entrance to the car park. Lots of signs reminding cars to stop for the pedestrian crossing etc. I was half way across on my way back to my car today when two young men pulled into the car park and clearly felt they had right of way. They then aggressively pretended to drive into me while shouting that I should look where I'm going etc. Obviously they were just OBLIVIOUS to the pedestrian crossing. I wasn't in the mood so shouted back that it's a pedestrian crossing and if they can't see that they shouldn't be driving. They were aggressive, unpleasant etc and after I'd crossed, roared past swearing at me.

Fine. Annoying, but fine.

Then I suddenly had a complete moment of panic as I realised that if they wanted to, they could very easily just drive round and continue to harass me from inside the car park etc and of course, there's never a lot of people around. So I dashed to my car prepared to hide behind other cars if they chose to come in my direction rather than heading up the ramp to the next level.

I was in the right. They didn't see a pedestrian crossing, tried to scare me, then shouted at me - all before I did a thing. But I was the one who was suddenly terrified. it makes me so angry.

I don't think it's just the fear of men, it's also the knowledge that as women, we are held accountable for our safety. So, if we dress in a certain way, act in a certain way, walk alone at night, or, indeed, stand up for ourselves in the face of male aggression, and as a result, we are attacked, then it is our fault.

Of course they would

The biggest victim group of male violence is other males

As a woman you are a statistically significant lower risk of harm when 1-1 with a man than another man would be

@RonObvious

as women, we are held accountable for our safety.

Everyone is accountable for their own safety.

I think that is an obvious point, but it is also legally enshrined in the Health and Safety at Work Act!

I am an old woman - 70 and it still happens, it has been going on since I was 10.
Earlier this year a man in the street shouted that I was a "fucking pissing dyke", a man in a shop put his arms around my waist while I was paying for my goods and said I was very sexy. In a pub with a friend, two men joined our table and tried to chat us up. I always roar my rage at these men. I am 70 fucking years old - leave me the fuck alone. However, when I walk in the woods with Archie, an enormous and ugly Staffie cross - no one bothers me - misogynists are bullies and also big ole cowards.

I think you are underestimating how badly many shop staff are treated. Of course he would have done it to a young male employee.

Quoting the 'official statistics' is bullshit though, isn't it. I was harrassed and assaulted (sexually and otherwise) on a regular basis when I was younger. I'm talking at least once a week. It still happens now but I'm not often out in public alone these days, so I don't experience it so frequently. And probably a result of also being a bit less attractive and/or vulnerable looking as I've got older.

I didn't contact the police about a single one of them. Neither did any of my friends when these things happened to them. We just lived in fear and tried to avoid situations where it might happen again. That goes for all of the teenage girls and young women I knew.

Funnily enough, my husband has never experienced anything like that.

It's weird to say that I shouldn't worry about being murdered because a man is more likely to be murdered than me. My husband doesn't worry that the low level assaults and harrassment are going to lead to murder, because they don't happen to him in the first place. I have no way of knowing whether these men will become violent and it terrifies me. So it could well seem that my fear is out of proportion to the threat, but I'm not going to walk around saying 'Oh, they're ONLY verbally harrassing me, I won't feel frightened' because I have enough experience to know where that can lead.

I think its just different types of crime. And different beliefs about how you could respond to an attack.

Women are more scared as most women are incapable of defending themselves effectively from most men. That's why sexual assault and sexually inappropriate behaviour from men to women is so common. Most men know most women can't do anything about it, put bluntly, the men doing it know the woman they are doing it to can't deck them one.

I have a male friend, short for a man, in his 50s, but he says he is still confident he can handle himself if a dodgy situation arose. Most women don't feel like this.

Young men are susceptible to assault from other young men. Most of these are minor assaults. Young women on the streets are not scared of a minor physical scuffle with another women. They are scared of being raped by a man. That's a whole different level of fear.

As for the DV figures. Refuges are not just nice places to help women relax and feel better. They exist to stop women being murdered by the male partners they are fleeing. If men were being murdered by female partners at the same rate women are, men may have developed a refuge movement for themselves. I suspect if you look at the types of DV assaults, you will see different patterns in the type of assault between male and female perpetrators, offending against the opposite sex.

I think you are underestimating how badly many shop staff are treated. Of course he would have done it to a young male employee.
Absolute bastard.
It was a very well known store too.
My partner has always worked in retail stores now in management he is a big friendly giant type, very laid back though I'd imagine if a manager dragged him he'd lay him out.

I agree with this.

I know so many males who are random victims of assault (one of which was assaulted and mugged by two females). It’s a misconception that males can walk around oblivious to danger because there isn’t any risk. They’re clearly less likely to be a victim of a sexual assault, but they do frequently fall victim to violent crimes. A lot goes unreported.

Road rage; I’ve actually witnessed a lot. Females are just as bad as males at being the aggressor.

And we should not see it as a men v women issue, but rather society against criminals / predators issue

I also think that to prevent crime you have to accurately describe and target specific types of crime. Pretending that there is no difference in crime women experience is failing women. We do experience the world differently.

Everything is so much easier for men. I was just thinking about this. How lucky they are to not be scared. I am on holiday in spain. I met a man. He was attractive. He asked me to go to his house. I would have liked to, I was attracted to him, but I was also scared. If I was alone with him anything bad could happen. So I said no. He may have had good intentions. But the fact is it is the woman will always be scared in those situations ,not th man, as we are smaller. I was just thinking that men are so so lucky to be able to go home to have sex with a stranger and not be worried about being physically hurt or killed. We have to worry. Sometimes I hate being the smaller person.

Any sex shouldn't be going to private houses with randoms they just met... Most man by themselves wouldn't either

I have just been for my daily walk through quiet paths, through fields, woods etc, I go our nearly every day, nothing, I repeat nothing has ever happened to me, go out and enjoy your surroundings.

I experience this type of man occasionally and it is scary but it’s unlikely they’d actually attack you….but I always feel so sorry for their partner and family because I don’t think it’s possible to act like that in public and then not go home and be violent.

With regards to walking in woods, I walk alone in a country park every day and have done so for years. I think if you’re in the countryside you’re mostly ok. However, I never walk in nature reserves in my city unless it’s a very posh area. My fear though is lone men with aggressive dog breeds who may attack my dogs. I carry a dog deterrent spray attached to my bag with a lanyard. I’d use it on a man if I had to though.

I think it is good for everyone - male or female - to be concerned with their own safety and be streetwise where appropriate. I think the feminist portrayal of encouraging women to be streetwise as being "victim blaming" is deeply irresponsible. And we should not see it as a men v women issue, but rather society against criminals / predators issue.

We shouldn't need to be streetwise though. If men (and its nearly always men) didn't commit these violent acts we'd all be able to walk round the streets safely, regardless of the time of day, what we're wearing etc.

Don't really agree with "society against criminals / predators" either. That's just masking the fact that one side of the equation is almost always a man. This is a problem caused by men.

You said Most men wouldn't go for sex with randoms that they just met. Are you serious? Or are you just very naive?

When I was in my twenties I had a lot of male friends from college. Every single weekend they would have sex with a woman that they had just met that night. They would meet a different women every weekend and have sex with them.

Of course men have sex with strangers.

I am not naive, I just know man who are aware of what can happen such as drugs and being robbed.
Yeah ok, maybe i judged by my surroundings.

Also I am talking holidays abroad mainly. Just realised that was not clear.

The statistically likely to be subjected to violence or assault if you are a man rather than a woman is somewhat besides the point:
Men socialising get into physical fights more often, young men are more involved in drug-related violence and gang related violence.
The statistics aren’t a reflection on “gender” ie sex based assaults or violent acts; it isn’t because they are male that they are targeted, it’s because as groups of men they encounter other groups of men (football hooliganism/gangs/drunken groups of men) who are willing to fight.
Thats not saying women are not involved in similar activities but it’s not the case that it’s on the same scale.
Or put it this way: I don’t know the statistics but there’s no way a one man is more at risk from sexual assault, sexual harassment, rape, even mugging than a woman is which is why referencing the overall statistics of men being more likely to be injured than women through violence isn’t a proper reflection in this issue as per the OP

A lone man

With thise numbers, I hope they at least were worried about STD’s.
Goodness gracious!

Not a big deal? Surely? This kind of stuff happens all the time. It was a bit unfortunate to get so scared that you were hiding behind cars

i never shout back at people (Male or female) as don’t think it helps, usually

assholes exist in male and female form

if you are of a nervous disposition, try to avoid altercations with people, shouting at them etc. You ended up getting yourself in a state, and what good does that do?

@RiderOfTheBlue

We shouldn't need to be streetwise

I don't agree with that at all. I think everyone - male of female - should be streetwise.

It is a positive and self-caring trait to have, like being a careful worker or an alert driver.

People do have a reasonable measure of responsibility for their own safety in every situation.

Don't really agree with "society against criminals / predators" either. That's just masking the fact that one side of the equation is almost always a man. This is a problem caused by men.

True, but it is not better for us to condemn / fight it together as a society, rather than divide society up into competing groups?

I think there is a type of assault and unwanted behaviour that is definitely gender-based.

I cannot count the amount of times when men have tried to intimidate and patronise me in places like swimming pools, gyms or in parks. I never see men get the same treatment.

Men don't try to shove other men out of swimming lanes the way they do with female swimmers. Because they know they would get a punch in the face...

The usual unwanted attention/comments on my physical appearance is also something that men don't do to other men in the street.

Same with male drivers and cyclists, they are more likely to pick on women because of entitlement and a sense that they have the power do so.

Sexual assault victims are also more likely to be female.

So yes of course men might also be victims of things like violent crime (because they are more likely to be involved in gangs and criminal behaviour in general) and street robbery or drunken pub fights but they get much less aggravation from other men in public places.

98% of sexual assaults are committed by males. Statistics say it all.