To not be able to forgive DH for wasting all the milk

[Iwantmymilkback]

DH went to take some stuff out of the basement freezer, took out the box with the frozen breastmilk and did not put it back in.

I found out after too many hours, breastmilk is now back in the fridge but it was maybe 18hours at room temperature. I do not trust it is still good. It was "warm" at the touch.

It was all i had, ounces and ounces of it. So many middle of the night pump sessions, so many rounds of washing parts, so many hours spent to build the milk stack.

I am now back at work and do not produce enough during my pump sessions at work.

Long story short i started to give formula to DC.

I am so mad. So mad. I just cannot find a way to forgive him. And i know it is a small thing in the big picture but i am so so so mad.

Also what can i do with the milk now?

Stop projecting to make you feel secure in your own choices

Properly obvious isn't it....

Yes, it is. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of your own artwork. It doesn’t matter if they like it or if they think your painting is hideous. It doesn’t matter if it serves objectively the same function - say you like to copy van gogh paintings when IKEA sell perfect prints of the same thing. To you, the artist, the act of painting and the finished object is precious. Breastfeeding is like that. Precious for the mother and not comparable to buying milk from Tescos. It doesn’t mean FF mothers live their children any less obviously. We all have multiple ways of expressing our love for our children and we don’t all do it in the same combination of ways.

I’d lose my shit in this situation so I really feel for you. A similar thing happened to a friend’s breast milk but her freezer had just given up the ghost and it all defrosted overnight.. maybe you can pretend that’s what happened to yours to calm the rage!?

I feel absolutely gutted for you. It’s hours of your hard work and commitment gone to waste (yes you can probably bathe in it etc) but it’s not really what it’s intended for. I hope he had given you a grovelling apology xx

Leaving stuff out of the freezer is bad enough but I suppose things like this occasionally happen for everyone. With breastmilk though it seems like a completely different level, doesnt it. I can image that you just cant forget and forgive as it a/ was so much effort for you b/ your baby is worse off with formula than with breast milk.

NO!

You don’t need to tell me what exclusive breastfeeding is like, nor what exclusive pumping is like, I have plenty of experience of both. What OP doesn’t need is to be told that if she can’t give her baby 100% breastmilk and nothing else then she’s nourishment’s an

*answer to buying your art from IKEA.

Sigh....it's not just milk. It is the product of a mother, perfectly tailored to her child's needs that she has made efforts to provide.

Oh my goodness that is heartbreaking after the amount of time and energy and lack of sleep spent to get it. I really feel for you.

To be honest, although current guidance says not to refreeze, it also says that's because of a lack of evidence not because it's known that there is a problem with it. This article is interesting. Breastmilk is a live substance that is full of antibacterial components. Literally 3 million germ killing cells per teaspoon. I know I'd be tempted to refreeze and see how baby gets on taking it (as long as baby wasn't premature/immunocompromised etc) but maybe not advisable until better research is done.

It may be a small consolation that all those pumping sessions will have boosted your supply to what it is now. So frustrating for you though. I know you said you're not getting as much in each pumping session now - you tend to get more out in the morning if that helps.

your baby is worse off with formula than with breast milk.

Do the people saying things like this not realise that OP has lost most of her milk stash and she doesn’t have great pumping supply and her baby is only six months and she might therefore have to use some formula? Or is it that they realise and want to be unpleasant to OP to make her feel worse?

@MiddleParking you have totally and utterly missed my point.

Yanbu
I know when I was pumping the effort, pain and sheer work that went into it was bloody obvious to my husband. He used to get a bit sad if we had to throw dregs away.
If he had made that mistake he'd have been so apologetic and ready to try and make it up to me. I think that's what is missing here. It's not the accident itself,.it's the lack of value for the sacrifice of time and pain for you.

No I haven’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

You say you wouldn't forgive him, but honestly what's the alternative? Would you seriously break up your relationship over this?

OP I feel you. DS was v poorly, got transferred hospitals which took hours despite being only 2p minutes down the road because he was so fragile. He couldn't even take anything into his tummy so I was pumping, recovering from a C Sec, reassured that he would eventually get my first milk which had come ml by slow ml. Got there and the nurse told me they had transferred it to a fridge not a freezer so it had all defrosted. He was days away from his big operation, we could have no idea when he'd even be allowed milk so wasn't even the option of keeping it chilled for a few days. And she was a nurse. We hadn't been able to see the baby since he'd arrived as they needed to stabilise him and she told me I ntbe middle of PICU where I couldn't really make a scene. But accidents happen.

All you can do it process it and let it go x

@MiddleParking
You have missed my point spectacularly. OP is giving her baby some formula and her baby will be fine. Obviously. But she is allowed to feel fury that her husband doesn’t fucking respect that the time effort and emotion she poured into that frozen milk stock is important to her. She’s grieving the loss of something irreplaceable.

You can't turn back time. I agree his question if you can pump more was stupid and I bet this caused a lot of nerves. If he would appreciate the effort, it would hurt you less. It's like he was working on something precise, spent a lot of time and you just wrecked it and said "can't you buy a new one?".

You have every right to be pissed off and feel a bit distraught at all your wasted effort but I think you will need to move past it and forgive him. He made a mistake. What has his response to you being upset been? I wonder if he has a been a bit dismissive and blasé and actually that's what is making you feel you so mad. If that's the caseI think you should communicate that to him. If he is suitably sorry then accept it, you never know what you may need him to forgive you for in the future.

Does he realise the gravity? I would be devastated. And I wouldn't be able to forgive him until I was sure he understood what a big deal it was.

See if you can make an estimate in time about how long it would have taken you.

Saying it again doesn’t make it truer - I haven’t missed your point. Having pumped for my babies I understand that feeling of absolute fury and wasted time, wasted sleep as well as anyone. What isn’t helpful is you and others highlighting what you perceive as the total inferiority of formula (you know, that substance that for the next six months is the only viable alternative to all the breastmilk that OP is heartbroken to have just watched get ruined).

I would need some space if my husband had done this. Pumping was torturous for me. I'm so sorry OP. There is nothing wrong with formula but that is a heinous waste.

Don't direct your anger at your DH. It's a genuine mistake. I'd be fucking gutted. Dd was BF and I struggled to express. If I had a stash built up I'd be heartbroken.
However, has your DH apologised for his mistake?
It was a genuine mistake and if he was genuinely sorry you'll have to find a way to forgive.

@TheOrigRights Sigh….get a grip it’s milk! Not the end of the world.

You have missed my point. Or you’re ignoring it. Sometimes telling someone to move on or get over it is counter productive. You have to acknowledge the anger first and then let the person process that feeling in their own time. OPs ruined milk stash was superior to the formula she’s now needing to supplement with because she wanted to feed her baby her milk. It’s not about the antibiodies etc it’s about not feeling acknowledged and respected.

Oh OP, I could cry for you.

YANBU.

But there is nothing you can do about it now.

Save it for your children's baths.