Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to forgive DH for wasting all the milk

276 replies

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 10:57

DH went to take some stuff out of the basement freezer, took out the box with the frozen breastmilk and did not put it back in.

I found out after too many hours, breastmilk is now back in the fridge but it was maybe 18hours at room temperature. I do not trust it is still good. It was "warm" at the touch.

It was all i had, ounces and ounces of it. So many middle of the night pump sessions, so many rounds of washing parts, so many hours spent to build the milk stack.

I am now back at work and do not produce enough during my pump sessions at work.

Long story short i started to give formula to DC.

I am so mad. So mad. I just cannot find a way to forgive him. And i know it is a small thing in the big picture but i am so so so mad.

Also what can i do with the milk now?

OP posts:
nobabiesyet · 15/09/2022 13:38

Don't be mad. He was probably tired. It's done now. It's an easy mistake to make.

ImNotAnExpert · 15/09/2022 13:39

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 13:33

Hey everyone. In no way i want to give the impression that my decision to pump was a better or more valuable decision compared to formula feed.
I am just gutted about the time, effort (and milk) lost.

OP ignore anyone that's trying to derail your thread; you're here for support and that's totally fine. Most of us get it. Brew

LuckyLil · 15/09/2022 13:41

Iwantyourmidnights · 15/09/2022 13:22

It's not a small mistake. Pumping is time consuming and mentally and physically draining. I'd be gutted too OP Flowers

It depends on how it was packaged to an extent. There's a chance he may have had no idea what it was.

kateandme · 15/09/2022 13:45

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 13:33

Hey everyone. In no way i want to give the impression that my decision to pump was a better or more valuable decision compared to formula feed.
I am just gutted about the time, effort (and milk) lost.

I totally get it op.and all your reasons.it’s the situation that your in thats gutting you,no matter if it was a accident.
could you when your ready explain the reasons you have to us to your dp. That he may see this as you being angry over an accident he made but here are the reasons why it means more than that…

phishy · 15/09/2022 13:46

TiddleyWink · 15/09/2022 13:31

I can perfectly well grasp that the OP made her own choice, thanks very much. Ironic that you’re accusing me of being patronising, given the tone of your post. I can perfectly well accept and not disagree with the OP’s absolute right to make her choices. I’m also allowed to look at the wider societal pressures which may have contributed to that choice, and have a conversation about it.

I think I’ll leave it here, these threads never end well. Just so frustrating how many women refuse to enter into a respectful and intelligent discussion about the actual science behind this issue, instead preferring to sling insults and make sneery remarks about people not caring about their baby’s health 🙄

Show quote history

Not one person has said people who feed their baby formula don’t care about their baby’s health.

You clearly have an agenda, whereas the rest couldn’t care less what anyone feeds their baby, we’re just cognisant that this was a monumental fuck up and OP is entitled to be angry if she wants to be.

jacostajune · 15/09/2022 13:47

OP I finished my breastfeeding journey a long time ago but I completely understand how gutted you feel. I'd be furious too. Pumping is fucking hard and pumped breast milk is precious.
I get you Flowers

Cara87 · 15/09/2022 13:48

Choconut · 15/09/2022 13:21

I bet if he had spent all that time and effort pumping he wouldn't have been so careless with the milk. I'd be apoplectic OP. And I'd bet any money that anyone who says different didn't BF and so has no idea.
Formula does not have the same health benefits of BM and that might not be important to some people which is their choice but it is to others which is what all the effort is about despite it sometimes being hard.

Ahem.

ImNotAnExpert · 15/09/2022 13:49

All the people arguing about formula, could you please, please leave the thread for support for the OP? Really? This isn't the time and place.

NKFell · 15/09/2022 13:49

YANBU but, you must forgive him.

This too shall pass!

Original poster
Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 13:50

No it was clear. It was a big plastic container (open on the top) full of breastmilk bags. And he knew it was stored there.

OP posts:
phishy · 15/09/2022 13:51

Cara87 · 15/09/2022 13:48

Ahem.

Show quote history

Where in that post does it say people who feed their baby formula don’t care about their baby’s health?

Ans what is yours and @TiddleyWink ’s agenda?

margegunderson · 15/09/2022 13:51

I used to pump in my lunch breaks for the following day's bottle - can you do that?

Inertia · 15/09/2022 13:53

I can understand how you feel- I’d have been gutted.

It might well have been an accident, but the only contribution he had to make here was putting a box back where he took it from. You grew a baby over 9 months, you spent hours and hours over 6 months feeding the baby and pumping milk, and he didn’t trouble himself to remember to do the only thing he had to do. It gives the impression of all of those hours of your life being worthless to him.

Anger isn’t going to help though. You would like to continue to give breast milk but can’t pump enough at work. So one answer is that your husband increases his share of the household load- parenting, night feeds, cooking, cleaning- to free you up to pump milk to replace the milk he wasted.

Somethingsnappy · 15/09/2022 13:53

ImNotAnExpert · 15/09/2022 13:49

All the people arguing about formula, could you please, please leave the thread for support for the OP? Really? This isn't the time and place.

Yes! There is another thread on AIBU at the moment which is basically a newly pregnant woman asking people to explain why they choose to BF over FF or vice versa. That is a good thread to get stuck into if you're interested. This thread is not about that. Not everything has to turn into the same old argument

Original poster
Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 13:54

margegunderson · 15/09/2022 13:51

I used to pump in my lunch breaks for the following day's bottle - can you do that?

Yes i am doing it. But i pump maybe 0.5 oz total per session. Not enough for a full feed. A ridicolous amount honestly. While i had hundreds of oz in the freezer stash.

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 15/09/2022 13:57

Yeah I'd be mad as #### too! Not unreasonable at all..

Suprima · 15/09/2022 13:57

Cara87 · 15/09/2022 13:48

Ahem.

Show quote history

Why are you so defensive?

Start your own bloody thread if you want a bunfight.

And stop patronising OP with the faux concern how she ‘felt the need to put herself through that’. Many things in life are hard but rewarding. OP has enjoyed feeding her children and has made it very clear she will be sad when it stops.

The point is- her husband made a silly mistake which was rooted in him not giving a shit. That’s what she is upset about. Not how long she spent pumping.

Stop projecting to make you feel secure in your own choices.

Skinnermarink · 15/09/2022 13:58

I stopped because I got a cold, a common cold and it stopped my supply! It just sort of died to a trickle one day. It’s so hard.

TwoWeeksislong · 15/09/2022 14:00

I’ve never really understood how forgiveness is supposed to work to be honest. In a case like this, it’s an unfixable mistake. That milk is irreplaceable. And I would feel like the accident was partly due to a lack of respect on your DH’s part. Like, if he understood and respected how important this was to you, how much time and effort you were willing to put into it, he would have been more careful and the milk would not have been left out.
I could possibly move on. If I loved him and felt he loved me and that our lives together were worth enough to me that I could let the anger and hurt flow over me and be replaced by the next feeling and then the next, until the anger and disappointment are a memory and not how I feel all the time.
For the Formula Feeding advocates who don’t get it, because formula is just as good as breastmilk, imagine having a precious artwork you spent months creating as a expression of love to your child accidentally burnt to ashes. Then people say, don’t worry, IKEA sell pictures now, you can replace it. It doesn’t even matter if your child prefers the IKEA picture. It’s not the same thing to the person who painted the destroyed art.

MiddleParking · 15/09/2022 14:03

At various times I’ve EBF both my two, pumped for the first, then combi fed her, and eventually had to move to combi feeding my (poorly, premature) DC2. I know the pain of pumping and I definitely wouldn’t take the angle that “formula’s just as good so why are you so upset” or anything like that but what I would say OP is that if you have to give your six month old some formula now because you’ve lost loads of milk then there will be absolutely no discernible difference and if it helps you get more sleep then that’s the noblest of justifications if you need one. I also would forgive your husband - it’s a horrible mistake but it IS a mistake. But honestly if you’re sleep deprived then tasks like ‘forgiving your husband’ are up there with ‘not burning yourself on the straighteners’ for sheer impossibility so I would make getting some sleep your number one priority.

5zeds · 15/09/2022 14:08

Do you want to replace it or do you want to move on from breastfeeding now? Either IS possible so you can choose.

Dh made a mistake. There will be many. Of course you are annoyed. You can choose how you respond to him when his actions upset you.

beansprout55 · 15/09/2022 14:09

@Cara87 what is wrong with you? This isn't a debate on whether breast is best or not. It's also not about whether OP should or shouldn't have used her time pumping. And finally, this isn't a place for @Cara87 to try to understand why women choose to breastfeed. If you want to learn more about why women put themselves through it (you say you don't understand) have you considered joining a breastfeeding group to chat to the mums? Or is your aim rather to put breastfeeding women down and spread your views?

OP sacrificed a lot to make that milk, which is hugely good for her baby with all those fantastic antibodies. You think it's a lie that breast milk is more beneficial to a child than formula is. I hear you, in the same way I'd hear someone who denies COVID and claims hoax.

MiddleParking · 15/09/2022 14:11

For the Formula Feeding advocates who don’t get it, because formula is just as good as breastmilk, imagine having a precious artwork you spent months creating as a expression of love to your child accidentally burnt to ashes. Then people say, don’t worry, IKEA sell pictures now, you can replace it. It doesn’t even matter if your child prefers the IKEA picture. It’s not the same thing to the person who painted the destroyed art.

Well no, it’s hardly like there’s one half of us who are precious artists and the other half who are IKEA-stock-photo-loving philistines, is it.

FriendlyHedgehog · 15/09/2022 14:12

OP please ignore all the butthurt people on this thread telling you that you should (or should have) "just used formula." And you really don't need to explain yourself to them so don't bother.

RE your actual dilemma, I'm so sorry that this happened to you - I know it doesn't make it any better but you can and should still be proud of how much work you put in to feeding your baby. Not to say any choice is better than any other, but what is certain is that you made a heroic effort to do what you thought was best, and that's never wasted energy. Hope you can forgive your husband in time x

SherbetDips · 15/09/2022 14:16

A breast milk necklace? Soap? Are people really serious with these suggestions!!!

It’s only milk honestly move on..