To not be able to forgive DH for wasting all the milk

[Iwantmymilkback]

DH went to take some stuff out of the basement freezer, took out the box with the frozen breastmilk and did not put it back in.

I found out after too many hours, breastmilk is now back in the fridge but it was maybe 18hours at room temperature. I do not trust it is still good. It was "warm" at the touch.

It was all i had, ounces and ounces of it. So many middle of the night pump sessions, so many rounds of washing parts, so many hours spent to build the milk stack.

I am now back at work and do not produce enough during my pump sessions at work.

Long story short i started to give formula to DC.

I am so mad. So mad. I just cannot find a way to forgive him. And i know it is a small thing in the big picture but i am so so so mad.

Also what can i do with the milk now?

That is an interesting article! thanks for sharing.

I came onto the post and couldn’t understand why you were so upset to be honest, that’s because I adopted and obviously couldn’t breastfeed so have no comprehension of how hard it is or what you have been through. Having read a few of the replies I’m starting to understand why you are so upset.

Your husband made a mistake but possibly (like me) doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal to you. I can’t imagine he did it on purpose but maybe he took less care because he didn’t understand?

I would be very annoyed at all the wasted time and effort! I hope he is suitably contrite about it. Ultimately, while YADNBU, it was a mistake and not done on purpose so you don’t really have an option other than to forgive it as nothing can be done now and it will just end up upsetting you and eating you up@Iwantmymilkback.

I am a bit confused as to how this thread has become a discussion on the merits of lack there of of breast feeding. Yes formula is fine and the baby will be fine and nourished but the OP is upset about her husband throwing out something she spent a lot of time and energy on.

It’s like if you had stayed up all night to hand-make a birthday cake from scratch and DH accidentally chucked it in the bin and then everyone said don’t worry about it, you can buy birthday cakes from Tesco.

@Hummingbird1234
To be honest, although current guidance says not to refreeze, it also says that's because of a lack of evidence not because it's known that there is a problem with it. This article is interesting. Breastmilk is a live substance that is full of antibacterial components. Literally 3 million germ killing cells per teaspoon. I know I'd be tempted to refreeze and see how baby gets on taking it (as long as baby wasn't premature/immunocompromised etc) but maybe not advisable until better research is done.

Freezing kills the germ killing cells/antibodies in breastmilk. It’s only live straight from the breast or only chilled. So the live components are not present when it’s been frozen, thawed and sitting at room temperature for 18hrs. Bacteria growth will happen.

That’s terrible OP. But it was an accident. You have a right to be mad, of course.

But what’s the IABU here?

Oooh! Kick him up the arse!

Well not really. It’s funny to read, but if OP tried such constant pumping IRL her nipples would be really sore and there’d not be much milk to show for it. Milk production isn’t a function of how long or often you pump. You either have the milk or you don’t, so as the OP said to begin with, no she can’t just pump some more. Her DH asked a really stupid question.

You poor thing ❤️ and hugs

That's not entirely true, as milk production responds to stimulation. Not immediately, but the more someone pumps the more milk will be (eventually) produced.

@Suprima

not sure where u got the bit about Op “enjoying feeding her children”…:she said herself she hated every second of pumping, who wouldn’t?! It’s boring at best, painful at worse

@LindseyHoyleSpeaks

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · Today 12:58
I wouldn’t be able to forgive either. It’s the futility of all those nights spent pumping, wasted so carelessly. It’s not like he can replace it, is it? I’d also be annoyed that I’d been forced into using formula. If that isn’t what you wanted to do, you’ve the double whammy of the waste and then the decision on formula being taken out of your hands. I honestly don’t know what he could do to make it up to you.

would you get divorced then?

Are breast milk baths not a bit stinky? (Just thinking it would be if you bathed in cows milk!)

Yes, pumping does stimulate milk production but in practice this usually results in maintaining supply, not increasing supply. The rare exception is a very expensive hospital grade pump that most mothers cannot afford. That’s the key reason why when mothers return to work and pump, their supply falls behind the baby’s needs for milk. And why it is so exhausting and stressful. You can really only keep up by nursing from the breast every evening/night and all weekend on top of constant pumping at work and at home.

Tell that to Cleopatra!

@LuckySantangelo35 - I don’t know! Wouldn’t go that far I don’t think but it seems unforgivable somehow. It’s the absolute futility of the effort and time wasted that gets me.

She bathed in goats milk…which isn’t stinky. It is what they used to feed babies whose mums died in childbirth and the family couldn’t afford a wet nurse before we had formula though.

Yes, I know. I was just being lighthearted. I think goats milk is supposed to more similar in composition to human milk than cows, isn't it?

Yep, so human breastmilk, also should not be stinky. I sort of failed to say that bit :)

You have a right to be upset but don’t risk a major falling out over this.

who ever said don't cry over spilled make never knocked over a bottle of breast milk. I loved breast feeding but hated pumping and actually cried when I knocked it over. My heart goes out to the OP. Her husband made a very stupid mistake. No matter if you tell him he will never understand all that time wasted. Your baby is going to be okay but you have an absolute right to be furious but with time forgive.

😆

There's no point crying over spilt milk...unless it's breast milk!

DH knocked over a bottle of BM once and I was upset as I really struggled with pumping so I totally understand

OP I completely understand and I think that those encouraging you to be angry & upset for a little while, because that is actually reasonable, but then work past it, are on the right lines.

He should have been grovellingly apologetic and then observably careful thereafter with all things to do with the baby (and generally, preferably). If not, then I think you have a wider problem.

I don't agree with the PP that said I don't see any difference between accidentally leaving milk or burgers or ice lollies out the freezer because I think a Dad should be far more concerned with safe and careful handling of the baby's milk, in all respects, than any lollies. We can't pay attention all the time as we are only human, and especially when tired, so it's important to be able to recognise what are the most important things to concentrate on.

Although I can't really abide the sort of partner whose 'accidents' are so frequent they are really just carelessness and a lackadaisical attitude, so I wouldn't expect this to be more than a once-in-a-blue-moon occurence, leaving anything out of the freezer. That would make it easier to make peace with.

I understand why you feel so angry and resentful after all that commitment to getting a good store of milk. However now it has happened the milk has gone and there is no way of going backwards. He has apologised

Try hard to concentrate on moving forwards and away from this. Its frustrating but your little one will be fine and sadly we all make mistakes, including your apologetic DH.