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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to forgive DH for wasting all the milk

276 replies

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 10:57

DH went to take some stuff out of the basement freezer, took out the box with the frozen breastmilk and did not put it back in.

I found out after too many hours, breastmilk is now back in the fridge but it was maybe 18hours at room temperature. I do not trust it is still good. It was "warm" at the touch.

It was all i had, ounces and ounces of it. So many middle of the night pump sessions, so many rounds of washing parts, so many hours spent to build the milk stack.

I am now back at work and do not produce enough during my pump sessions at work.

Long story short i started to give formula to DC.

I am so mad. So mad. I just cannot find a way to forgive him. And i know it is a small thing in the big picture but i am so so so mad.

Also what can i do with the milk now?

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 15/09/2022 13:06

I'd put it on his Weetabix and make him eat the lot.

ImNotAnExpert · 15/09/2022 13:07

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry.

You could combination feed, were that to be a more appealing option than giving up altogether?

StoppinBy · 15/09/2022 13:08

LuckyLil · 15/09/2022 13:06

I'd put it on his Weetabix and make him eat the lot.

Bahaha..... this made me laugh.

TheOrigRights · 15/09/2022 13:08

Cara87 · 15/09/2022 12:42

It’s true though.

i mean if breastfeeding comes easily to you then that’s great. But if you’re all crying over how difficult it is to pump milk then why bother? Why? The benefits of breastfeeding over formula, in individual cases, particularly in the west, are so negligible. I’m watching my best friend tear herself into pieces over it and no. I don’t get it.

It just seems a complete and utter waste of energy to me.

Look go and find a different thread to air your views. This is NOT about the OP's decision on how to feed her baby, she's made an informed decision.
She is upset about an accident. She's not asking for feeding advice, she wants to share her experience with people who can understand why she is so upset.

Glitteratitar · 15/09/2022 13:11

OP the exact same thing happened to me. I spent weeks and weeks pumping several times a day and had around 15 bags of 100ml each. Except it was me that left the breast milk out and ruined it. I don’t even know what happened, I just took it all out, and didn’t put it back in.

I remember the devastation and annoyance, and I cried even though it was my own fault. Accidents do happen. I know you’re furious but it is an easy thing to do.

Whokno · 15/09/2022 13:13

I'd be fuming. I think your reaction depends on how much you love him in general. If he's generally a nice bloke who is on your team who has done something stupid and feels terrible about it, it's probably best just to tell him here's a list of ways he can start to make it better, and you might possibly consider forgiving him by the child's 18th birthday. If you generally think he's not particularly supportive and hasn't been that nice about this, then just get the divorce now.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/09/2022 13:13

CaptainNelson · 15/09/2022 12:10

YANBU. Pumping is hell.
Having said that, my mother in law, according to her own legend, once had so much breast milk in the freezer that she gave it to the postman to drink (chilled, it was a hot day).
When she revealed what he'd drunk, he threw up.
Does you DH like milk?

@CaptainNelson

thats disgusting

poor postman, I would have vommed too

I’d have also been really worried about any infections/diseases I might have caught from it and would probably have reported her to the police if I was him

TiddleyWink · 15/09/2022 13:13

I think the point @Cara87 is tying to make is that the problem isn’t the husband’s accident - it’s the fact that the OP clearly felt she had to put herself through utter misery to get breast milk for her baby. If it had been anything other than awful and hard, she wouldn’t be this upset about the accidental defrosting. So it’s worth questioning why she put herself through that. I agree that it’s surprising in this day and age that people still genuinely believe that in this country, breastfeeding is worth that much misery and toll on the mother. Who I believe is as valuable an individual as anyone else.

The lies about the overwhelming benefits of BF are constantly perpetuated. IMO it’s just another tool used to beat women with and keep us in our places. It suits the patriarchy for bf to be so infinitely better than ff. Stop and actually look at the evidence and it’s very hard to be convinced.

I believe strongly in individual choice and believe that mothers wanting to bf should have more support. But the whole conversation should be evidence based and at this point it simply isn’t. It’s based on outdated soundbites on NHS posters and, frankly, middle class hysteria.

And I say this as someone who has bf a baby exclusively.

So I do understand why the OP is gutted. But I also think there is a valuable conversation about WHY she put herself in this position in the first place. That’s the point I take from @Cara87’:las posts.

Cara87 · 15/09/2022 13:18

TiddleyWink · 15/09/2022 13:13

I think the point @Cara87 is tying to make is that the problem isn’t the husband’s accident - it’s the fact that the OP clearly felt she had to put herself through utter misery to get breast milk for her baby. If it had been anything other than awful and hard, she wouldn’t be this upset about the accidental defrosting. So it’s worth questioning why she put herself through that. I agree that it’s surprising in this day and age that people still genuinely believe that in this country, breastfeeding is worth that much misery and toll on the mother. Who I believe is as valuable an individual as anyone else.

The lies about the overwhelming benefits of BF are constantly perpetuated. IMO it’s just another tool used to beat women with and keep us in our places. It suits the patriarchy for bf to be so infinitely better than ff. Stop and actually look at the evidence and it’s very hard to be convinced.

I believe strongly in individual choice and believe that mothers wanting to bf should have more support. But the whole conversation should be evidence based and at this point it simply isn’t. It’s based on outdated soundbites on NHS posters and, frankly, middle class hysteria.

And I say this as someone who has bf a baby exclusively.

So I do understand why the OP is gutted. But I also think there is a valuable conversation about WHY she put herself in this position in the first place. That’s the point I take from @Cara87’:las posts.

Thank you. You are absolutely spot on. But I don’t have the way with words that you do.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/09/2022 13:20

TiddleyWink · 15/09/2022 13:13

I think the point @Cara87 is tying to make is that the problem isn’t the husband’s accident - it’s the fact that the OP clearly felt she had to put herself through utter misery to get breast milk for her baby. If it had been anything other than awful and hard, she wouldn’t be this upset about the accidental defrosting. So it’s worth questioning why she put herself through that. I agree that it’s surprising in this day and age that people still genuinely believe that in this country, breastfeeding is worth that much misery and toll on the mother. Who I believe is as valuable an individual as anyone else.

The lies about the overwhelming benefits of BF are constantly perpetuated. IMO it’s just another tool used to beat women with and keep us in our places. It suits the patriarchy for bf to be so infinitely better than ff. Stop and actually look at the evidence and it’s very hard to be convinced.

I believe strongly in individual choice and believe that mothers wanting to bf should have more support. But the whole conversation should be evidence based and at this point it simply isn’t. It’s based on outdated soundbites on NHS posters and, frankly, middle class hysteria.

And I say this as someone who has bf a baby exclusively.

So I do understand why the OP is gutted. But I also think there is a valuable conversation about WHY she put herself in this position in the first place. That’s the point I take from @Cara87’:las posts.

Totally agree with this too

GiantTortoise · 15/09/2022 13:21

Oh OP. I struggled to express too and I nearly cried after reading your post!

Although I do also agree with @Cara87 and @TiddleyWink that women shouldn’t feel they need to put themselves through that when formula is a perfectly acceptable alternative to feeding a baby.

Choconut · 15/09/2022 13:21

I bet if he had spent all that time and effort pumping he wouldn't have been so careless with the milk. I'd be apoplectic OP. And I'd bet any money that anyone who says different didn't BF and so has no idea.
Formula does not have the same health benefits of BM and that might not be important to some people which is their choice but it is to others which is what all the effort is about despite it sometimes being hard.

Iwantyourmidnights · 15/09/2022 13:22

It's not a small mistake. Pumping is time consuming and mentally and physically draining. I'd be gutted too OP Flowers

phishy · 15/09/2022 13:23

TiddleyWink · 15/09/2022 13:13

I think the point @Cara87 is tying to make is that the problem isn’t the husband’s accident - it’s the fact that the OP clearly felt she had to put herself through utter misery to get breast milk for her baby. If it had been anything other than awful and hard, she wouldn’t be this upset about the accidental defrosting. So it’s worth questioning why she put herself through that. I agree that it’s surprising in this day and age that people still genuinely believe that in this country, breastfeeding is worth that much misery and toll on the mother. Who I believe is as valuable an individual as anyone else.

The lies about the overwhelming benefits of BF are constantly perpetuated. IMO it’s just another tool used to beat women with and keep us in our places. It suits the patriarchy for bf to be so infinitely better than ff. Stop and actually look at the evidence and it’s very hard to be convinced.

I believe strongly in individual choice and believe that mothers wanting to bf should have more support. But the whole conversation should be evidence based and at this point it simply isn’t. It’s based on outdated soundbites on NHS posters and, frankly, middle class hysteria.

And I say this as someone who has bf a baby exclusively.

So I do understand why the OP is gutted. But I also think there is a valuable conversation about WHY she put herself in this position in the first place. That’s the point I take from @Cara87’:las posts.

I think the point that you and @Cara87 can't seem to grasp is that OP is an intelligent adult who made the choice to breastfeed.

So you both telling her to question why she is so upset and it was not worth it is so patronising and unhelpful.

GodSaveTheKing · 15/09/2022 13:24

I struggled to express any milk and had a precious 30ml in the fridge for later use - DH threw it out and tbh I'm still fuming 15 years on! Much sympathy. I'd agree about tasting it - normal milk doesn't necessarily go off from frozen to room temp but understand why you are wary. And upset. Sending a hug x

Hugasauras · 15/09/2022 13:25

Formula is fine, OP just didn't want to use it 🤷‍♀️ If she did, she wouldn't have bothered pumping. I would rather pump than formula feed too as that's my choice to make.

NotAHouse · 15/09/2022 13:27

The point of it is, some most men get to bumble around, doing the bare minimum and making thoughtless mistakes because they're distracted by other things like having had a full night's sleep or thinking about their penis without any appreciation of how hard the mother of their child works to keep everything going. It's heartbreaking.

PurplePansy05 · 15/09/2022 13:30

I'd be fuming too, OP. Sorty he's such an idiot 💐 xx

user1473878824 · 15/09/2022 13:30

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:04

I would be upset, yes but I don't think I would be mad at someone for making a mistake. It happens. I think you have to ask yourself how you would have reacted if he had accidentally left ice lollies or burgers or something else out of the freezer to help rationalise.

That’s…. Not really the same is it?

TiddleyWink · 15/09/2022 13:31

phishy · 15/09/2022 13:23

I think the point that you and @Cara87 can't seem to grasp is that OP is an intelligent adult who made the choice to breastfeed.

So you both telling her to question why she is so upset and it was not worth it is so patronising and unhelpful.

Show quote history

I can perfectly well grasp that the OP made her own choice, thanks very much. Ironic that you’re accusing me of being patronising, given the tone of your post. I can perfectly well accept and not disagree with the OP’s absolute right to make her choices. I’m also allowed to look at the wider societal pressures which may have contributed to that choice, and have a conversation about it.

I think I’ll leave it here, these threads never end well. Just so frustrating how many women refuse to enter into a respectful and intelligent discussion about the actual science behind this issue, instead preferring to sling insults and make sneery remarks about people not caring about their baby’s health 🙄

dianthus101 · 15/09/2022 13:33

It was a big mistake but it's not that big in the grand scheme of things. For me it would depend on whether he understood the consequences and how apologetic he was. If he understood and seemed to be upset with his error, I would probably forgive quite quickly- everyone makes mistakes and I want to be let off when I make one!

Original poster
Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 13:33

Hey everyone. In no way i want to give the impression that my decision to pump was a better or more valuable decision compared to formula feed.
I am just gutted about the time, effort (and milk) lost.

OP posts:
shedwithivy · 15/09/2022 13:34

10HailMarys · 15/09/2022 11:53

Well, I think in this situation I'd be absolutely gutted and really upset, but I don't think I'd be angry with DH for what was presumably a completely honest mistake that anyone could have made. I certainly wouldn't 'not be able to forgive' him.

God only knows I've made some terrible absent-minded mistakes in my time, so I'd be a hypocrite to rage at someone else.

Agreed

I'm usually the freezer leaver outer person in our house though.

It can't be undone but you have a choice whether to forgive him how.

Somethingsnappy · 15/09/2022 13:36

Hi OP. That's absolutely awful, I'm sorry. Any of the unkind or less than empathetic replies here are clearly from people who simply can never understand the physical, mental and emotional effort required to pump regularly. Also, those saying it's an honest mistake so you shouldn't be angry... While they are right of course that it was a mistake, the difference is, you wouldn't catch a mother being so careless as to make the mistake with her own milk. A pp was right in saying that some men wouldn't make such a mistake with something that they themselves had invested time and effort in.

I saw in your posts that the idea of EBF is important to you. Hopefully you can find comfort in remembering that because your baby is 6 months old, the term EBF no longer applies anyway. Even a mother who has never used formula can't say their baby is EBF once weaning onto solid food. Many parents start to introduce bits of dairy, like cheese or joghurt, so try to see any formula you use to replace the lost breast milk in the same light. You will continue to BF and eventually you'll build up another stash (if you want to and can face it of course).

Finally, all those hours you spent pumping were categorically NOT wasted. The pumping will have contributed hugely towards the build up and establishment of your milk supply, which your baby is benefitting massively from now, and will continue to do so for as long as you like.

I agree with a pp... Write a few answers down to some questions, and make him understand the significance of his mistake. I'm sorry this happened.

TwoWeeksislong · 15/09/2022 13:36

Cara87 · 15/09/2022 12:42

It’s true though.

i mean if breastfeeding comes easily to you then that’s great. But if you’re all crying over how difficult it is to pump milk then why bother? Why? The benefits of breastfeeding over formula, in individual cases, particularly in the west, are so negligible. I’m watching my best friend tear herself into pieces over it and no. I don’t get it.

It just seems a complete and utter waste of energy to me.

Do Fuck off. You’re not helping OP.