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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my baby for an hour as I need a break

239 replies

Mamabearv · 14/09/2022 17:50

Im a first time mum to a four month old, and I love my baby and being with her. Since my husband went back to work after paternity I’ve been with her constantly. He works a high stress job and wants to unwind when he gets home or she is already asleep by the time he gets in.

He is an active father when he can but I honestly don’t get much of a break. I rarely have time to myself, I don’t have time for activities on my own anymore and I’m getting fed up with my husband telling me how tired he is when I barely get half an hour to myself anymore.

when he does get home I do bedtime and also all the cooking and cleaning. When I do get a few minutes to myself he ends up calling for me to help with something.

today I’ve had enough so I just told him I was going out for an hour for a break. He asked me if I was taking our child and he seemed amused when I said no. I’m sitting outside and now just feel guilty. I get he has a high stress job but he doesn’t really get that I’m rarely alone at all anymore. AIBU?

OP posts:
LemonSwan · 15/09/2022 18:25

4 months! And not even an hour to yourself.

fucking hell OP. No idea how you made it so far!

I would schedule these time slots in so your partner knows when to expect them.

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 15/09/2022 18:26

Passthegin99 · 15/09/2022 18:08

Hi stress job my arse. I bet he's been doing that job - or a version of it - for years. He's totally used to doing it. It is NOWHERE NEAR as hard as looking after a baby when you've never had one before. My son is 4 and even now a stressful day at work is easier than a day at home being Mum. It's an age old con. Don't fall for it.

Agree with all of this - this is the most stressful job.

NoAprilFool · 15/09/2022 18:28

Devo1818 · 14/09/2022 18:21

I have had both a high stress job and a 4 month old and I can absolutely promise you that he has the easier deal.
An hour isn't enough, you need an evening off sometimes.

This.
in spades

FeatherBlower · 15/09/2022 18:28

PLEASE don’t fall into this trap. I did and I still sometimes fight for time to myself after two years when DH is home. Honestly, you need to make it clear that you get time to yourself to rest, sleep and enjoy your own hobbieA.

justanothermanicmonday21 · 15/09/2022 18:28

As I see it as soon as he's in it should be back to 50/50 everything split I've worked full time part time and been a stay at home mum and stay at home mum was def the hardest!

howrudeforme · 15/09/2022 18:29

Baby is being looked after. Next hour you want go further afield. Baby looked after by dad.

anderosonnmj · 15/09/2022 18:29

My DH had a high stress job with a 12+ hours working day when my son was a baby. The first thing he did when he got home was to ask how I was doing, take the baby and give him a bottle that I'd pumped. He did this every day. And he would take the baby for walks and to the supermarket to give me a break. And because he enjoyed it.

KentdonMum · 15/09/2022 18:36

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You need some space and tune to yourself irrespective of what job your husband does.

my children are a lot older now but I vividly remember when I was on mat leave with a toddler and newborn, my husband coming home from work and saying ‘I can’t do bedtime tonight, I just need to sit down’. This is after he’d literally walked 1 min from the station from a 1.5 hour train ride home where he’d sat, by himself in silence reading a book/listening to music/podcasts. Something that would have seemed like the absolute height of luxury to me at that time. It took all my restraint not to throttle him.

Sswhinesthebest · 15/09/2022 18:38

Make sure you each have one lie in per weekend - to the same agreed time.

lemonyanus · 15/09/2022 18:41

You have to force them into looking after their children if they're reluctant at the start. They'll never grow accustomed to it otherwise. It's quite shocking that some men can be such twats that they have to be pushed into looking after their own children for AN HOUR but sometimes that's the way it is.

gummybearbaby · 15/09/2022 18:41

Your DH is being unreasonable! She is his daughter too so he needs to pull his finger out and start doing his share of the responsibilities, plenty of parents out there have high stress jobs but still help their SO raise their children!

agriefobserved · 15/09/2022 18:42

Go out for 90 minutes ! Turn your phone off and enjoy your time. You should get a message or something 🙂

Bshweta · 15/09/2022 18:44

Absolutely not . On the contrary it is healthy for everyone. Don't be so hard on yourself.

oosha · 15/09/2022 18:46

Hubbie’s perception was that I was home chilling and napping with baby while he was busy working. That translated into him chilling in evenings and me feeling like I was 24/7 responsible for this mini person and exhausted with no break. I started having a regular bit of time out to meet a friend for coffee or food to give them some bonding time. That helped him understand it’s actually full on taking care of a baby and he was then very supportive of me having time out. It’s important that you start now having time for you; kids are full on and you need time to be you, have a quiet coffee, time with friends or just have a walk or do some exercise. Don’t feel guilty about it, you need you time so you can be the best mum for your baby. Husband need to do his 50% of the the share also.

bluesapphire48 · 15/09/2022 18:49

Everybody needs a break from taking care of kids. Tell him it will make you a better mother, and that the baby needs to bond with HIM, too.

Since when did motherhood mean that you stopped being human?

Ginni94 · 15/09/2022 18:50

Definitely not being unreasonable at all! I have a 7 year old, 3 year old and a five month baby, my partner works 7 till 5 every day so I understand how little time you get to yourself. I have the stress of getting them all up and ready, fed and to school and nursery on time and hopefully home before baby starts screaming for a bottle. Personally I don't think an hour to yourself is long enough, I'd go for a few hours out for dinner with a friend or something at the weekend to vent and rant to, that's what I try and do when me and my friend both have time which isn't often. But it will also give your partner some bonding time just him and the baby while you're out so it's a win-win x

diddl · 15/09/2022 18:53

I do all the bed times as he doesn’t want to.

That's sad.

I used to do what I could around baby as regards laundry/cleaning in the day.

Generally would stop when he got in so that we could have an evening together

Husband used to have a cooked lunch at work so I just cooked for myself in the week.

That at least meant that the evening meal was something quick & easy (for either of us) to prepare.

Sometimes though I would go out when he got in or go to bed-no questions asked!

He obviously just did what needed doing.

When the kids were a bit older they'd look out of the window for him & just follow him from the minute he got in!

If he needed the loo when he got in & wasn't quick enough he'd have both kids on his knee.

When they were older & not so bothered the cat took over😂

KentdonMum · 15/09/2022 18:55

lemonyanus · 15/09/2022 18:41

You have to force them into looking after their children if they're reluctant at the start. They'll never grow accustomed to it otherwise. It's quite shocking that some men can be such twats that they have to be pushed into looking after their own children for AN HOUR but sometimes that's the way it is.

So right. I can confirm the dye gets cast in these early days. Because I ‘enabled’ it in those early days (because I was too tied to argue etc) I now shoulder the burden for all the child related stuff. Husband ‘opts in’ at his convenience (thank you Lockdown), when working from home he’ll pull out of a school run at the last minute because he’s ‘too busy’ and as soon as parenting eats into time, slightly interferes with plans or means putting himself out the tiniest bit, we all know about it. I work 4 days a week and am the main breadwinner yet am the one who has to make work ‘work’ as my priority is the children.

Renalmum · 15/09/2022 18:56

You need to start having you time now or it will just be expected that you will be the care giver at all times. If it becomes routine then everything will run smoother.

EugeneLevysEyebrow · 15/09/2022 19:11

I do all the bed times as he doesn’t want to.

What’s the logic behind that?! He presumably wanted a child and so he has now got to commit be being a parent and doings every element of parenting. Just like you have. Having a penis does not mean he gets to opt out of parenting his child.

OP I think you need to get tough and set out expectations for him now, otherwise I can only see this getting worse over time. You’ll be one of those mumsnet posters who has a toddler, a baby and a husband with no desire or clue how to be a parent.

Shell4429 · 15/09/2022 19:13

I’m surprised you even have to ask. Your DH is a selfish person who isn’t able to empathise at all. You must insist he does his share. You’re not a Stepford Wife.

Scout2016 · 15/09/2022 19:14

Stop thinking of it as him helping you. He's not helping you, he's parenting his child. It's not helping you, it's doing his fair share. Cleaning the house he lives in too, taking his turn to cook the tea....

MsRosley · 15/09/2022 19:15

You shouldn't be taking an hour off. You should be taking three or more - on a regular basis.

MsRosley · 15/09/2022 19:16

KentdonMum · 15/09/2022 18:55

So right. I can confirm the dye gets cast in these early days. Because I ‘enabled’ it in those early days (because I was too tied to argue etc) I now shoulder the burden for all the child related stuff. Husband ‘opts in’ at his convenience (thank you Lockdown), when working from home he’ll pull out of a school run at the last minute because he’s ‘too busy’ and as soon as parenting eats into time, slightly interferes with plans or means putting himself out the tiniest bit, we all know about it. I work 4 days a week and am the main breadwinner yet am the one who has to make work ‘work’ as my priority is the children.

Show quote history

Why do you put up with this?

Jellicoe · 15/09/2022 19:18

You sound just like me but my husband would totally take the baby and let me go out for the day. So sorry you are going through this. It seems endless but you are not alone xx