To leave my baby for an hour as I need a break

[Mamabearv]

Im a first time mum to a four month old, and I love my baby and being with her. Since my husband went back to work after paternity I’ve been with her constantly. He works a high stress job and wants to unwind when he gets home or she is already asleep by the time he gets in.

He is an active father when he can but I honestly don’t get much of a break. I rarely have time to myself, I don’t have time for activities on my own anymore and I’m getting fed up with my husband telling me how tired he is when I barely get half an hour to myself anymore.

when he does get home I do bedtime and also all the cooking and cleaning. When I do get a few minutes to myself he ends up calling for me to help with something.

today I’ve had enough so I just told him I was going out for an hour for a break. He asked me if I was taking our child and he seemed amused when I said no. I’m sitting outside and now just feel guilty. I get he has a high stress job but he doesn’t really get that I’m rarely alone at all anymore. AIBU?

The more I read this stuff on mumsnet the more determined I am never to have a man in my life again.

It is vital for your mental health

YANBU

If he's anything like my ex you'll hear him on the phone all night talking about how he was looking after the baby and he'll be getting tons of praise for being a good dad.

So he doesn't cook or clean or do anything with the baby at all? How does that make him an active father?!

I think you need to sit him down and tell him this is unacceptable. He needs to pull his weight around the house and also parent his child. When you are both at home jobs need to be split 50.50. He should be cooking you dinner when he gets back! He should be bathing his own child.

If he's not willing to do that, well, then you have your answer, and you will need to make some decisions. There's no way I would live with a man who acted like this.

Why would you feel guilty? I started horse riding again after a month and went to a child free wedding overnight when dd1 was 3 months old. I only learnt never leaving your baby was a thing on mumsnet. Of course people can do what they like, but it never occurred to me not to.

You both have high stress jobs, though. And your high stress job doesn’t end at 5pm. He should want to do bedtime at the very least - does he do any parenting at all?! You are both parents, and he needs to factor that into his career life.

What does he think will happens when you go back to work.

If you both work then you both come back to relax, Who then cooks and cleans and looks after baby.

Just having a shower or bath, washing your hair (or whatever) is so difficult with a small baby, let alone getting out somewhere for a break. My DH was hopeless with babies (this was more than 35 years ago) and also was abroad working quite a lot so never really got much experience with them. I think you should push him for more time and take what you can get, it's good for both of them.

I was you. The best way I found to explain it to my at the time husband was that people who go to work all day get breaks. Whether it’s multiple breaks or just one they legally get breaks. They also go home. Regardless of how easy or hard your day is, it comes with no breaks. I would basically say to him that from now on when he gets home he get one hour to relax and then you get one hour to relax. And in those hours there is no “oh could you just do this for me please?” It is just one solid hour to go have a bath or shower and just enjoy being alone. Or go for a walk. Go sit outside. Go read a book. Ring a friend for a chat. Whatever you want to do but one hour no interruptions.

I thought the OP meant literally walking out and leaving a baby home unattended....
You are going for a walk while your child is being looked after by his father. It should be a no brained.
You NEED a break- if you do bedtimes he should sort out dinner etc.

If he's not going to do that, at least have once a week where you go to the cinema/gym/drink with a friend etc.

Hey… I don’t think you’re being unreasonable I think you’re being real… it’s normal to feel like this and if it continues you’re unlikely to enjoy your maternity leave. I was in this same situation with my first baby and I ended up going back to work at 8 months with was honestly the best thing… I needed adult conversation and a break from being a parent - is returning to work an option?

side note I’d like to think more people realised what impact having a baby has on your lifestyle, there is no time to sit back and relax and so your husband should have had an understanding of this when you agreed to have a baby.

you are parents together and that means he needs to do his share of supporting you with care responsibilities too, talk to him about how it is making you feel and how you feel he can help. Equally is there anyone you can call upon for a bit of company during the day, a friend or family member to just take the pressure of being alone off? I have found that just being with someone or even a video call has made a huge difference to feeling completely alone and almost stops the frustration of feeling knackered building up.

I deffo wouldn’t go down the route of saying he is selfish or condemn his behaviour, he is a new parent like you are and there is a no magic manual, he’s carrying a lot of stress and burden of a different kind so it’s important to recognise what role you each play and how you can best support each other to be the best version of you for you beautiful baby x

Wow I can’t believe your husband acts like this, I’m actually shocked how selfish he is and entitled! He needs a really big kick up the arse.

You shouldn’t have to ask him to help out, especially not with baby! He should be looking forward to getting home and spending time with her! He sounds like a man child who needs to grow up quick. You’re responsible for one child, not 2. You should go out for a full day at the weekend and leave him to look after baby so he can realise how hard it is. Looking after a baby is emotionally/mentally demanding. You need a break.

Hope you’re ok OP - find time for you. You’ll be a better parent for it.

He’s taking the easy way out Looking after babies is 24/7 and you become exhausted .I looked after many babies for one night so mum could get a much needed rest Mothers still bring sons up to for mums to do everything unfortunately (my husband included )It’s time for him to grow up and look after the both of you good luck

I just told him I was going out for an hour for a break. He asked me if I was taking our child and he seemed amused when I said no

So you'd never let the baby out of your sight before? Quite natural, but your decision rather than his laziness. Call the dogs off. Give him some alone time with his offspring.

Enjoy your hour, don't feel guilty ~ he's a parent too! Tell him, dont ask him, that you'll be going out on a more regular basis for some you time. Mama's need to fill their cups or things go peat shaped. We all love our kids bur YOU are important and need that time xxx

When I was on mat leave I had to have words with DP about this. He assumed that because I was ‘off’ work I would do everything at home. Shifted his thinking to me being on a secondment where my full time job was to care for our baby during the hours he was out of the house. If I had chance once I’d caught up on sleep I would do some housework at nap times but if not then tough. Once he was home, parenting and housework became a 50/50 split again until he left for work again. On days he WFH he’d take the baby out in their pram at lunch time so I had some breathing space and a ‘lunch break’ of my own. It worked well once I’d whipped him into shape!

You are absolutely not being unreasonable!!

When my boy was 3 months he started spending nights at my mum's. Best thing we could have done, because now he loves it there and doesn't have any problems being without me/us. I know this might not be possible if you are bf, but just to put it into perspective.

My partner and I started to fall down this same slippery slope - thinking because he worked he was more stressed, tired etc. I felt just like you seem to, and it was tough.

In the end I got to my breaking point and had to start telling/asking for help. The way I see it, when he's back from work you're both even, because being a mum and running a house is WORK. so you have worked the same hours as him. From there, the parenting, chores, etc are all split 50/50 (or as close as is possible and fair). Some weeks things are more stressful for him, or you're more tired, etc and you can make allowances for that but you absolutely deserve a break. He gets one every day at work after all 🤔

Take care of yourself ♥️

I've worked full time stressful jobs and also been a sahm with a newborn baby and being home was definitely more difficult by a long shot. My now ex never helped with anything as he had the belief that he'd been at work all day while I sat around. Going to work you get so much time to yourself, the journey there and back, you get to eat lunch, go to the toilet by yourself, chat to other adults. I would look after the baby plus do all the cooking and cleaning. I'd take baby to bed while he sat watching TV then I'd come downstairs to a sink full of dishes. On the rare occasion he did something he'd say he's done it for me, like he dud me a favour by doing one of my jobs.
So no you're definitely not being unreasonable and he needs to buck his ideas up. My ex never did and I finally left and life is so much easier. He was no support what so ever. I think your husband is being very unfair and also if he didn't have you there he'd surely have to come home and cook, wash up etc so why do these men think their wives are just a live in unpaid skiv who can do everything for them.

Fucking hell OP, you've just gestated another human for nine months, given birth painfully no doubt, had months of sleepless nights, and you think you don't deserve a break every day? That somehow spending all day at work, ie paid employment, precludes him from ANY involvement in household chores or parenting? Is your dh one of these men who resents maternity leave and thinks it's a protracted holiday? When my children were babies, even a half hour walk alone round Tesco in the evening was a lifesaver. I used to go out for walks in the dark even - loved that. And do tell him that taking the baby out in the pram with you is not a 'break'.

Does your husband not think keeping a four month old child alive, developing its brain, nourishing its body and maintaining its environment is also a high pressure job. Maybe you ought to let him try it for a bit longer than an hour and see how he manages.

I used Last Minute.com hotels (cheapish if done at v. Last minute) to take myself away for a whole night from 6 months. Kids (now 16 & 18) v.well adjusted, creative, independent and academic. Seriously, everyone needs time apart and babies need Dad too. Being at home with baby way worse than high pressure job (done both). He's hiding!

My ex had the same attitude. I left him when I had 2 very small kids and life instantly became easier and better for the 3 of us. I do less house work and I don't have to walk on eggshells.
Honestly I think you need to tell him you are going out for a full day and will only answer your phone for emergencies and stick to it. If he doesn't improve after seeing how difficult being alone with a small kid is then there's not much hope of him ever being a good partner.

Not in the slightest. As the non biological mother in a same sex relationship I went back to work after paternity leave (2 weeks) to my high stress job but because I am a woman I noticed there were so many expectations on me that the "father's" didn't have. I.e. I woke up with baby and did breakfast, went to work, came home and made dinner or batch cooked if I wouldn't make it home on time, then I changed every nappy during the night (also walked the dog and did my part of the house chores). Don't expect any less of a man. You are entitled to be exhausted... Heck, leave baby with him for a few hours and see how tired he is then.