Argument situation with husband

[IHateArguments]

I'm so ashamed of being upset about this that I've made a new u/n!

Lately my husband has been quite irritable and short fused. Flying off the handle about quite minor things, shouting and just generally losing his temper and saying quite mean things. Only with me (never with the kids) or about things or people.

I'm anti-confrontational to epic and annoying levels. I don't mind non-emotive confrontation, but I hate people being angry and upset. So I've found myself avoiding telling him things which I know will set him off.

I had a change of work plans for today due to the funeral bank holiday and I knew when I found out (Friday) that we'd have to rearrange childcare plans, because I'd be later home than I'd expected. And I caught myself that I was actually afraid to tell him, because I knew he'd fly off the handle.

I did tell him, but not as soon as I should have (Saturday afternoon). He completely flew off the handle and shouted at me for about an hour, swearing at me, saying stuff like he can't rely on me to sort out anything, I don't give a shit about anyone, I'm only interested in getting on at work.

I felt really - if I say not safe, I mean emotionally not safe in the situation, not that I actually felt threatened. Later I called a friend and had a bit of a cry, because some of the things he said hurt a bit. He obviously realised this, because he got angry with me over that.

Later he said sorry (but it was my fault) and he didn't mean those things, he just lost his temper. I still don't think it's okay and I wouldn't just say "yes, it's all fine", so he's now angry because I obviously don't give a damn about making things right.

It's not a LTB situation, or anything like that! But I can't just forget it and I don't know what to do. Maybe I am being unreasonable - holding a grudge and I should just drop it. But I don't like someone shouting and swearing in my face and saying unkind things, only to say "I didn't mean it" later. If you don't mean it, don't say it!

BTW, the childcare issue was solved. My youngest had a playdate and school agreed that the others could stay at after school club till 6.30.

It's all been okay, thank you. I won't write too much now - but I just wanted to say that it's gone as smoothly as it probably could have done. The kids were a bit upset at first but surprisingly accepting.

Great stuff💐❤

Do keep in touch with your friend and GP, I hope this break away gives you to time to process everything and to feel a bit stronger mentally to be able to move forwards with this Xx

Be kind to yourself, stay safe, and know that you've done the right thing xx

I'm glad you're safe OP. Don't feel like you need to keep anyone updated - especially if you think he might have any access to your account - but we're here if you need us.

Take care x

Delighted you are safe.
Bless you and your children.

My friend helped us moving stuff and then stayed most of the evening, which was nice - it made it a bit more of an exciting-unusual evening for my children rather than a freaky-scary one!

Now I feel scared and I'm avoiding the phone messages - but I know they're all there waiting for me at some point...

Don’t feel scared. This is your time to breathe, have some peace and collect your thoughts.

Does he know where you are? Have you told him that you have gone away and for how long?

If you have any threatening and abusive messages from him save them and contact the police.

I have been thinking about you OP. You have done so well, let the knot untangle before you tackle anything else , take care

Well done op, for taking the first step. The physical symptoms that you have experiencing are completely stress and anxiety related, of course. This should serve to remind you just how abusive your husband has become, little by little. Again, well done for being strong and prioritising your own health and the wellbeing of your children.

Would be have behaved like that in public, or in front of your friends and family? If not, then it's absolutely not acceptable.

Well done OP, you’re doing the right thing for yourself and your kids. Keep going X

Does he know where you are? Have you told him that you have gone away and for how long?

I left a letter and we spoke on the phone. He thinks I'm being oversensitive and over-reacting, and maybe I am, but I feel something needs to change and improve. My eldest said today that they hear all the shouting and it makes them scared and sad. We've agreed to speak again next week and he is going to see the DCs next week too.

I do feel a bit like I'm failing the kids. We had a quiet day today but it was nice and surprisingly relaxed. But they should be with both their parents.

I spoke to the school quite at length and they have been supportive and understanding. I also spoke to my boss, although not in a huge amount of detail, and she has been super supportive and arranged things so that I could take time off this week.

I'm feeling less panicky (panic attacks only during the night) but I'm still struggling with the stomach pains, not really being able to eat and constantly needing to go to the loo urgently! It's 100% anxiety related but it is also a bit draining and I'm feeling a bit tired and feeble. Dosing up on vitamins so that I won't get ill, since my priority is actually to be able to look after the kids properly.

The children do not need both parents if having them together causes upset, stress and an unhappy childhood

For them to be healthy and happy you and your husband may have to split and there is nothing wrong with that

He sees nothing wrong with his behaviour and is blaming you for your response to his be
haviour - do not go back unless he goes for an anger management course and actually proves to you that he has changed. Your kids cannot grow up in that kind of enviroment

I just feel bad - like I've failed.

And mentally weak! (He also thinks I'm "suffering from some kind of anxiety disorder".)

You've failed nothing. You're setting the bar higher for your children. You are showing them that you have standards and won't put up with being treated badly.

Of course he is. Because otherwise he has to face the truth. Better to blame you than accept responsibility for his part in this.

This is more abuse, OP - it's gaslighting. He's saying there's something wrong with you and nothing wrong with him or his behaviour. But he abuses you. He makes you terrified and anxious. He scares your children. That's not acceptable and if he can't see that and make a commitment to changing his behaviour, then there's nothing you can do. You can't make his behaviour okay. Only he can do that. At the moment he is choosing to stay the same and trying to bully/manipulate/gaslight you into accepting it. If you do accept it, he will continue to abuse you and the children. And it will get worse.

If I were you I'd turn the phone off and tell him you aren't ready to talk yet. Because 'talk' to him will mean 'a chance to bully you into forgetting all this and blaming yourself for it happening in the first place'.

Your children do not need to live with two parents, in a house when one parent is screaming abuse at the other and they are terrified in their beds.

Dear Lord OP, can you not see that?
Surely you want more for your children than them telling you they are scared in their beds of the screaming that is ringing through the house?

This is their childhood.

100% abusive.

Your children are scared and sad.

Those words should never leave your mind when you think of that bastard.

He thinks you are sensitive?

So how are you going to explain away your children telling you their lives are SCARED AND SAD, as they lay in their beds listening to Daddy abuse Mummy?

He is a nasty abusive piece of shit.

I really hope OP you find the strength to stay away and make plans to never return.

Because your children would be better in the care of SS than in a home watching and listening to you being abused.

I feel desperately sorry for you, but you cannot be listening to a piece of shit blaming you when your children are telling you in the plainest of language that they are SCARED AND SAD in their beds as he screams at you.

You all deserve so much better.
Your marriage is over.

You need to put on record that you have been driven from your home to protect yourself and your terrified children from him.

Abusers always say their victims are "sensitive".

Wishing you strength.

The answer to that would be "If I was, do you think the way you treat me woild be helpful?"

OP, you haven't failed anyone, you are being so brave and strong.

My dad was like your husband. We all walked on eggshells, my mother especially, and it's so, so draining. They are in their seventies now and his health is poor (although he's still just as angry), she will never leave him. I just feel so sad for her, her best years gone under a constant tide of anger. I had to go on a car journey with them both a few weeks ago and it took me right back to my childhood, I ended up with a migraine from the stress of it.

You all deserve so much better. Yes, it's nice to have two parents who both behave well but if one choses not too, you can't control that, and far better for you all to be away from it. Being with one parent who loves and protects you is no bad thing for a child.

Wishing you all the best.

Lovely girl, I am in exactly the same situation as you, just a little further along. What you are feeling and thinking is entirely normal for the situation you are in :. I have also said that I feel bad for what I am doing to the DC, only to have friends - on here and IRL - remind me that it’s not me who has made this happen. My XH also said that he’s worried I am not well and it really hasn’t been as bad as I’m thinking. As a PP says there is nothing you can do to fix things, either your husband gets help or he doesn’t that’s all there is to it.

look after yourself as best you can, sleep and rest and be kind to yourself, I was also ill with it all, my body reacting when my emotions couldn’t.

you will get through this, one hour at a time if need be, we are all hear from you and if it would help you to DM I’m here for that too.

Well if you are weak and mentally ill and have an anxiety disorder then it’s better for you both that you separate . He won’t have to live with such a pathetic and feeble person who over reacts - he will be free to find someone better suited to him. Someone who doesn’t have all the many faults that he ascribes to you.

And you and the children will be free from his abuse.

So don’t bother to argue with him. He will never accept that his behaviour is wrong. And whatever happens, do NOT agree to stay if he goes on some course or other. There is ZERO evidence that this changes abusers and keeps women and children safe.

If you have to talk to him at all, just grey rock it . When he says “ You are clearly mentally ill, you need to see a doctor “ , just say “ You are probably right “. Don’t try to convince him you have good reason to leave - he will never accept that.

I understand that feeling of failure. Every abused woman stays because she hopes that her love, patience and understanding will fix him and bring back the man who thought she was when she married him. She stays for her children, because she wants to have a happy two parent family.

But sadly none of us are magicians and all that happens is we get more and more worn down by the abuse. And our children see it as normal.

And the abuse gets worse. We lose all sense of ourselves and become even more powerless as we are more and more controlled and worn down. We don’t even know what’s right and wrong anymore.

So yes, you have failed to change a man who doesn’t think he needs to change and doesn’t want to . Because the abuse works for him.

And you are in good company with all the rest of us on this thread who have lived with abuse. And our best friends / mothers / sisters. Not one of us has been able to fix a man . We just got out, for our own sakes and our children.And we built new lives, just as you will do.

But they should be with both their parents.

If one parent is abusive then no, they shouldn’t be with both parents.

I promise you now, you have not failed your children. You are not failing. Quite the opposite really, you have safely removed them from a toxic and damaging environment.

You child has told you that they hear the shouting and are scared by it. Hopefully that should be some reassurance that you are doing the right thing.

All your physical anxiety symptoms are 100% normal given the circumstances and the mental torture he has been putting you through. Please make an appointment with your GP ASAP for counselling and any medication that can help.

I take propranolol for anxiety and it helps me with chest pain, tightness and palpitations. When I have a lot of bowel movements due to feeling anxious and nervous I will take some Imodium. (Not healthy long term but it is a short term solution if you feel like you are going multiple times a day).

I would cut contact with your DH. If you carry on with the contact you are giving him open opportunity to control and coerce you further. It is not fair on you or your children to be controlled, gaslit and abused by him any longer.