Argument situation with husband

[IHateArguments]

I'm so ashamed of being upset about this that I've made a new u/n!

Lately my husband has been quite irritable and short fused. Flying off the handle about quite minor things, shouting and just generally losing his temper and saying quite mean things. Only with me (never with the kids) or about things or people.

I'm anti-confrontational to epic and annoying levels. I don't mind non-emotive confrontation, but I hate people being angry and upset. So I've found myself avoiding telling him things which I know will set him off.

I had a change of work plans for today due to the funeral bank holiday and I knew when I found out (Friday) that we'd have to rearrange childcare plans, because I'd be later home than I'd expected. And I caught myself that I was actually afraid to tell him, because I knew he'd fly off the handle.

I did tell him, but not as soon as I should have (Saturday afternoon). He completely flew off the handle and shouted at me for about an hour, swearing at me, saying stuff like he can't rely on me to sort out anything, I don't give a shit about anyone, I'm only interested in getting on at work.

I felt really - if I say not safe, I mean emotionally not safe in the situation, not that I actually felt threatened. Later I called a friend and had a bit of a cry, because some of the things he said hurt a bit. He obviously realised this, because he got angry with me over that.

Later he said sorry (but it was my fault) and he didn't mean those things, he just lost his temper. I still don't think it's okay and I wouldn't just say "yes, it's all fine", so he's now angry because I obviously don't give a damn about making things right.

It's not a LTB situation, or anything like that! But I can't just forget it and I don't know what to do. Maybe I am being unreasonable - holding a grudge and I should just drop it. But I don't like someone shouting and swearing in my face and saying unkind things, only to say "I didn't mean it" later. If you don't mean it, don't say it!

BTW, the childcare issue was solved. My youngest had a playdate and school agreed that the others could stay at after school club till 6.30.

No, I never would. I don't know. It probably is wrong. I just feel so sad that it's like this, and so anxious and wound up. I keep having these sort of little panic attacks and feeling like I can't breathe, plus feeling like I can't eat, feeling exhausted, having to go to the toilet all the time - I literally feel like my own body is breaking down, or sabotaging me! Or like my mind is sabotaging my body.

OP, panic attacks were what opened my eyes to my ex abusing me. And how completely unbothered he was about how I was doing afterwards. The day I had one, had calmed down at home, then felt another one starting when he sat down beside me was the day I realised I needed out.

I really hope you see that this is not you being any of the things you've described yourself as. It's all a reaction to how he treats you.

OP your body is reacting this way because of how your abusive husband is making you feel.

You know his behaviour is wrong. You and your children deserve better.

If you feel like you can’t call WA then please email them. Use the live chat function. Please contact someone who can help and support you.

We will go round in circles on Mumsnet. We will tell you this is abuse and you need to speak to WA and your GP and you will minimise it, doubt yourself, excuse his behaviour. I hate to sound harsh but you need to take the next step in getting help and support now because you’re becoming more and more physically and mentally unwell due to this.

Oh, sending you so much love and support. It is scary but if this situation was happening to your friend you wouldn't hesitate to mention abuse.
On a more practical note maybe try lots of nice soups, take vitamins/berocca and possibly the brat/low fodmap diet for trying to calm your tummy. x

I know that, really. I think I just need a bit of a break. I hope that when I have that, I'll be able to see things more clearly and make proper decisions. My head's just all of a mess at the moment.

Thanks for the support and advice. I do appreciate it x

Ok OP , so as far as he knows you've just been off work ill today . And why if that's the case has he not been really nice to you ? He should be asking what he can do to make feel better, is there anything you need etc. that is what loving partners do.
But no, he knows you are sad and sick and he doesn't care.
You really deserve calm
Get all your stuff together tomorrow including paperwork, take pics of bank statements, etc stuff for kids , get a friend yo collect your stuff, write your note and go on Friday after kids have gone to school.
You will feel better then, kids will be fine xxx

OP this is abuse and you would be well advised to confide in your GP, your manager and an appropriate person at your children's school. If you can't say the word abuse say your partner is displaying controlling and coercive behaviour and give the example of how he shouts abd how you're afraid to talk, and your children are having nightmares (it's not a coincidence).

You've mentioned that it's as though your body is sabotaging you. It's not, it's trying to protect you. You've probably heard of fight or flight. When faced with a danger your body or intuition thinks 'stay and fight, or run, flight'. Your body feels like you need to run away, and in crude terms you can't eat and you keep running to the loo because your body doesn't want to carry any excess weight as you run for your life.
I'm sure you've also heard the expression "shit scared" or "shitting myself", fear can do that.

From your posts your friend and your manager could be great allies to you. Try not to minimise the abuse you're suffering.

A minor point but I might call the Airbnb a thinking house or something rather than holiday house, in case they make a strange association in their minds.

Yes do talk to kids school, ask to see head or safeguarding officer at drop off. If you say it's a safeguarding issue they should see you privately and straight away. You don't need to take much of their time but then they can keep an eye out for the kids in case they are not themselves. They can call you if dad comes to pick up, maybe they can't stop him but they can let you know

Shouting and swearing at you for an hour is extreme emotional abuse. It very much is a LTB situation. Do you want your kids to think this is normal? Think about the damage being done to them. LTB, for all your sakes.

Been following since you first post OP. Sending you lots of virtual hugs. I recognise a lot of your physical symptoms as ones I had in an abusive relationship. The constant stress and fear of suddenly "causing" an outburst. It shreds the nerves and no matter how hard you try and miss those eggshells you will always fail. Because they need you to fail so they can have an excuse to abuse you and fulfill whatever emotional need they have (don't get wrapped up in that. Your emotional needs and children's are most important here).

Am also concerned that this will escalate to violence. Please follow through on Friday and please believe me and other posters that this is not in your head or being made out to be worse than it is. You are a successful and educated woman. Your feelings are correct. Yes it is so scary but please put your mental wellbeing first and safety and leave. Stay strong, believe in yourself, you are not mad. Abusers often have us question are mental health because then they can just say we are mad. Rather than dealing with immense stress, fear and managing of behaviour constantly to try and prevent outbreaks.

Just a thought for tomorrow, OP. Switch off find my phone and location things if you have them on your phone.

Op this was me a few years ago. I spent everyday trying to police the world, trying to anticipate every change in plan, change in the weather, every word that someone else might utter. It is not your responsibility. There is nothing you can do, nothing you can say, nothing that will make him change. He attacks you for your flaws and attacks your success because they aren't his. Everything you are and do aggravates him. This is not your fight.

I left eventually and met a lovely new man. A few months in and I had accidentally broken something he gave me, I hid it for two weeks because I was so afraid. When I told him he just smiled at me, said it was ok, he was just happy that I had been using it. It felt like I had walked into a beautiful dream. We're still together now.

Great advice and also delete the air bnb app from shared devices and make sure there is no email access to your emails on any devices left behind (or take laptops etc with you)

I recommend that you take advice from womens aid on the following issues

1. what to do if you husband turns up at your childrens school on Monday and tries to remove them.
2. what to do if he reports you to the police saying that you have gone missing with the children and are mentally unstable.

If a relative of yours (eg aunt/ uncle ) always shouted at your child every time they did something wrong to the point your child was fearful around them, would you perceive this as abuse ? Wojld you want tthat person anywhere near your child again? I suspect not. I think it is abuse and this is what he is doing to you. You need to look after and protect yourself like you would if it was your child. You don't deserve to be spoken to or treated like this by anyone.

I think because it has insidiously crept up on you you don't realise how far embroiled you have become in being cowed and fearful by being verbally abused. I grew up being told to ignore outbursts and that people had 'just lost their temper' and that it was OK. But its not OK, it is abusing a gentle nature to get your own way. That's what bullying is, in or out of a playground.

Maybe you've been around people who've 'just' lost their temper and you don't see this as abuse, but ask yourself would you shout at your nearest and dearest, would you want some-one, anyone, to be fearful of you? I bet you'd be appalled if someone accused you of saying something that had made them scared of you. I'm sure you would do everything to ensure that they would never feel like that again and apologise profusely. But this hasn't caused your husband a thought. That must be very hard to hear and digest and for that I am sorry. No-one deserves this kind of treatment. You and your children deserve better , much much better.

Sorry I've been quiet. I have called WA and had a helpful chat. I'm still not sure what my long term plan is, but it will depend a lot how things go. I'm determined to go ahead with it. But oh God, this anxiety!!

We are all here for you. Wishing you good vibes.

The leaving very ordinary things till very late to tell him is a true sign. I speak as someone who escaped after many years. I had thought I’d kept it from kids by being quiet and acquiescent. Turns out they lay in bed crying and comforting each other. Trust that inner voice we all have. I took too long to do so. But I did in the end. My kids had some years of peace and freedom as a result.

This is completely LTB territory !
I've been with my DH over 15 years and heard him raise his voice ONCE (and not at me or anyone in particular) when he was extremely stressed.
Being shouted at is not normal or acceptable

Thinking of you, wishing you strength and safety.

Hope you’re settling into Airbnb place / no rush to make any decisions, just let yourself be for a few days xx

Hoping that you are safe and well

I hope you are safe and have moved into the AirBnB without too much upset for yourself and the kids

Thinking of you op x

Hope you're ok OP