for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

[dogsdander]

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

@Doingprettywellthanks after school Monday through Friday. Not the weekends. It's also not all the kids everyday. Each kid only comes over a couple times a week.

@SirVixofVixHall we have already tried that and some other brands.

Christ, talk about the biggest overreaction ever. It’s very likely my children will have asthma and animal allergies as my husband does. Every single member of my family has a dog. I would never imagine asking them to get rid of their beloved pet for my child. When we visit, we will stay in an Airbnb or similar nearby and arrange activities outside their house to limit their exposure.

This child’s parents need to be handling this and looking at ways Gemma can manage her symptoms as she will encounter this all through her life. She’ll go to school friends houses that will have dogs and probably cats (which are even worse for allergy sufferers) and meet people with dogs, go to pubs/restaurants where dogs are allowed. If the OP can do some things in the house to help manage Gemma’s symptoms that would be kind but she’s under no obligation to rehome her pets.

It's very sad for Gemma but I absolutely would not rehome my dogs . It just wouldn't happen

immunotherapy/allergy shots

I know a lot of people who have done this and it has dramatically improved allergies. Dog allergies are so limiting. Seems sensible to work on this.

The message it gives is that a human family member’s health (potentially life) is more important than getting puppy cuddles and going on walkies. That sometimes we need to make sacrifices for the good of our family.

The dogs would be equally happy if rehomed with another human family- they’re not going to suffer if rehomed. So it’s not like it’s a choice between Gemma suffering or the dogs suffering.

The message you would be giving by saying fuck off, I’m keeping the dogs is that Gemma’s life and love is less important to you than puppy cuddles and walkies. That dogs are more fun to be around than her. That you don’t care about her safety or happiness at all, it’s all about you and your desires.

Oh I am sorry if I missed that post, I was rushing through the thread.
Anyway I don’t think you should rehome your dogs, you didn’t know about your niece when you got them, and she may grow out of the allergy. It is a shame but you have to prioritise your children and your dogs here.

there are many seriously struggling over much smaller less significant types of exclusion and behaviour towards them from their family than this would be. I am disgusted at how dismissive everyone is of the impact this will have on Gemma psychologically. We all know how harmful exclusion ay school is, it’s a type of bullying. Well this is creating and perpetuating familial exclusion,

What pishposh

Gemma has a dad who can invite family round his house

Voila - situation fixed

It's just that Gemma's dad has to do some free childcare now himself! There are also other aunties and uncles who can have Gemma round with the other many cousins!

It's all within control of Gemma's parents to socially include her within the family when she has a new allergy to dogs given that OP has dogs who are part of the family, their household and OP's child's pet.

Gawd the level of entitlement is astounding !!!

This seems to boil down to you having to change your lifestyle and re home a family member in order to continue supplying free childcare, which I am incredulous at!

Gemma is still going to see her cousins.
She will have to deal with her allergies at some point either that or avoid dogs forever. Either way, it’s not your problem to fix. If you rehome your dogs it’ll impact your whole family. Gemma’s allergies and childcare only affect her/her parents.

how would you feel if you rehomed the dogs then 4 months down the line circumstances change and she no longer comes to you as regularly….

To be quite honest, I think it’s quite selfish of you to keep the animals and place them above your family.

They're just animals at the end of the day and they’re actively causing harm to a member of your family.

Hard floors are definitely not the answer! Every movement of air causes allergens to swirl back into the air. Carpets hold onto them much better, and a good ‘animal’ type vacuum cleaner with a hepa filter used frequently is an ideal way to deal with this issue.

Why is Gemma being excluded from family life just because she wouldn't go to ops house anymore? Is this the only place the family spend time together?

Exactly this.

No, I wouldn't be getting rid of my dogs.
My sister in law has the same problem as your niece. She takes a antihistamine around an hour before she visits and she's fine as long as the air purifier is running too.
Maybe your niece could try antihistamines?

The dogs would be equally happy if rehomed with another human family- they’re not going to suffer if rehomed. So it’s not like it’s a choice between Gemma suffering or the dogs suffering.

Being rehomed is stressful and harmful to animals and not something to be done lightly. Animals are living beings with feelings and not a piece of bric a brac to be offloaded at Oxfam whenever you tire of them or they become inconvenient.

What is your brother on??
Asking us to get rid of our dog would be like asking us to get rid of a member of our family
The 'No, it's never going to happen ' would be very firm!

YANBU!

From a medical POV this sounds like a very severe allergy and may get worse with exposure. She really needs to avoid any contact that triggers the reaction.

You've already made your decision about the dogs and I definitely don't think it's unreasonable. I wonder if the parents haven't ever had a dog and don't really understand what they're asking. They're just worried about their daughter.

I've been involved with families where they already have a dog and then someone in the household develops a severe allergy. At this point there really isn't any alternative, but it's always heartbreaking for them.

It's true that Gemma may grow out of her allergy. DS used to be really allergic to cats but he isn't now - his employer has one and he's around it a lot with no problems. He also used to be allergic to feathers, so I'm wondering if you have feather cushions that might make her worse? Anyway, no, you definitely should not consider rehoming your dogs.

No, you can't get rid of the dogs. What an unfair request.

Dog allergies are very seldom life-threatening.

I would suggest that your brother pay to have hard flooring installed in your house, if that and daily damp-mopping would alleviate much of the problem.

Otherwise, see your neice elsewhere. It's too bad but you can't jettison living creatures.

Your DH has a mild dog allergy if all he needs is Benadryl and an inhaler. That’s not the same as the severe reaction the OP is describing for Gemma, or the fact the OP has said Gemma’s parents have sought medical advice and there are no medications to help.

In my opinion, the OP is under obligation to rehome the dogs she’s had for a mere 6 months, if she cares about family at all. There’s been a family dynamic for years of all the cousins at her home and the it’s the central family gathering place. This dynamic has been broken with the very recent introduction of two dogs. It’s no one’s fault that Gemma is severely allergic. No one chooses to have a severe allergy, it’s not like Gemma can “choose” to not be allergic. But choosing to keep the dogs and destroy that family dynamic where all the cousins were growing up and playing together would be selfish imho. Absolutely selfish.

You need to talk with the other adults in the family about how to make Gemma feel less isolated, and to keep having time with all the cousins, whilst being clear that getting rid of the dogs is not an option.

As you are choosing to keep the dogs, and you have tried all you can to make the house less triggering to her allergy short of rehoming the dogs, Gemma now cannot come to your house, so your part of the compromise is to do things a bit differently and offer to mind Gemma at her house or at her other cousins house.

Your siblings part in this is to facilitate that being the case.

Do not get rid of the dogs.

if you do what does this teach Gemma? That if she had any reaction to anything then everyone must stop using/keeping whatever they’re allergic to? That’s just going to raise an entitled child.

I have allergies, pets, pollen, latex, mould and aerosols in particular are a bastard. I can’t demand everyone stop using them in their homes. though environmentally it would be a good idea to use solid deodorants and natural oils etc for fragrancing homes.

I just have to tough it out and avoid the worst homes. One was a friend with cats dogs and horses, could never go in her house but I’d visit and we’d drink tea outside on any dry day.

I second what other posters have said.

that your family is taking the piss a bit and they should be offering up some ‘kid fun days’ at their houses so everyone can join in the responsibility of raising all the kids and the fund stuff too

Actually they knew full well that our kids were afraid of dogs so it would create a massive barrier to spending time with them (due to distance visits have to be overnight), and they didn’t care which of course is their prerogative but it sends a very clear message to close family when you make that choice. Choices have consequences and now when they complain that we don’t rush to visit them, or invite them to us, that’s the consequence occurring. It’s not rocket science.

Saying it’s ‘our problem’ sounds like very typical dog owner arrogance. It’s not actually a problem for us, I just find it a shame that our kids now barely know one set of cousins but are very close with the other set. Of course anyone can choose to get a dog but they run the risk of creating barriers with the humans in their lives. I know which I value more! And I don’t really care about no longer having people in our lives who prefer dogs to us, that’s no loss to us!

I couldn't agree more.