for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

[dogsdander]

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

I think its more than instead of the usual invite for all the kids to come over and be inside, the invite would be come over and have a picnic in the garden, play in the summer house, take yourselves down the park etc

That sort of thing

Even in bad weather they can just wrap up warm, winter BBQs that sort of thing

'humans are more important than dogs'

Surely depends on the human, and the dog?

It's sad for the niece, but life isn't fair. It's absurd to request the OP gets rid of her beloved dog, who, is basically a family member. If you've never had dogs you won't understand but they ARE loved like family members. Why else do you think people are so devastated when they die.

If it came to a tossup of my dog vs my cousin I would 100% choose to keep my dog and see my cousin elsewhere. No way in hell I would ever get rid of my dog, even for a relative I really loved.

I find the commodification of dogs (and animals in general) and the lack of responsibility that some posters have towards dogs and other pets really sad. So often on these boards I see comments of I got a pet and now so and so is allergic, or it’s hard work or mouthing and dozens of people pile on saying “rehome it”.
i find the use of the word “it” particularly distasteful. But it’s the way this is seen as an easy and acceptable solution. Rescue centres are overwhelmed at the moment, and there is never any suggestion of find a rehoming centre and pay for their upkeep until a new home can be found.

When you take on a defensless animal with no agency or control in our world you take on responsibility for it for its lifetime. It is shit to hand it over because someone (in this case an adult sibling) no longer finds it convenient.

there’s plenty the OP can do with her niece still, it appears that the problem is free after school childcare.

let’s be honest rescues at the moment are full to bursting, realistically you aren’t “rehoming” you are putting the dog into kennels for an undetermined period unless it strikes it lucky and is picked by another family. I notice none of those saying give the dog up are saying stick it is a shelter to wonder when it’s loved family are coming back- “rehoming” what a fucking euphemism

Why cant all the kids go to Gemma's house once a week to make up for it? You cant get rid of your dog because your brother wants free childcare.

And this is basically what it's about.

Do these children have friends who are not relatives?

There’s a huge difference between not ‘ending up close’ despite the opportunity to do so and being forced apart by being denied time with your cousins. The child will know the reason isn’t just her dog allergy. It will be quite plain to her that her aunt/uncle/cousin think the fun and pleasure they get from having a dog is worth more to them than having her in their lives. She will know the dog would be just as happy with another family, so it’s not about the dogs life or happiness. It’s purely, the dog is worth more to them, than she is to them. She will grow up thinking she is worth less than a dog to her own family. There’s no way they will end up close if such a situation is allowed to continue. If I were her mum, I’d be having cross words with my sister/brother and perhaps even going NC. You don’t exclude my child who has a life threatening medical condition and get to make her feel like a piece of shit for it.

Oh what a difficult situation. Obviously you shouldn’t get rid of the dogs. My husband is horribly allergic to dogs which triggers his Asthma occasionally but I had a dog when we met and so his symptoms are managed at home. I try to hoover every morning (if you have carpets don’t do this just before your niece arrives as the hoover can make it initially worse) and we don’t allow our dog on any of the furniture. This one is massive and he can cope perfectly fine at home but if we go to someone else’s house that allows the dog on the sofa this will trigger an asthma attack. He does take precautions however and always washes his hands immediately after touching the dog and always has a stash of Benadryl nearby. It’s become second nature to him and the same will probably happen to your niece. It is rubbish though and you’re in an impossible situation where you are not going to be able to keep everyone happy.

Life isn’t fair, yes we know but that’s not a reason for her own family to make life more unfair than it has to be on purpose now is it?

Yes I have dogs and do love them. But the OP has only had these dogs 6 months and realistically dogs can be happy with any decent human family. It doesn’t have to be the OPs family. Humans only get one chance at a family, unlike dogs.

I think it’s wrong you rate a dog family member over a human family member. They’re both family members, but the humans health, safety and happiness come first.

You are definitely Not being unreasonable- I do t know anyone that would get rid of their dogs for a family member allergy that doesn’t live there. It’s your house & you, your son & your husband must come first.

ciuld Gemma come & play in your garden or meet elsewhere?

Health Kinesiology helped my friend with her dog allergy she was a mobile massage therapist and her allergy was affecting her income.

Yes I know you love your dogs but humans are more important than dogs

That's debatable!

How old is your son?

I would explain it all to him and ask him what he would like his aunt and uncle do to if it was him that was allergic and couldn't go to the fun house and play with all his cousins.

I think it should be his decision if he is old enough, but if it were me, I would put a child above the animals especially as she already has another serious medical issue.

It must be heart breaking for her parents to see her missing out.

I can understand the comments here,
I have a similar situation I am dealthy allergic to dogs although the dog stays at my mums house when I visit my sister a allergy still occurs.
So I cannot enter the home completely with or without the dog there as the dander is still in the house, my daughter doesn't understand this and find it's very unfair and she often gets upset because we don't visit anymore. I live out of the country and we already don't visit often and now it's not at all because of the dog.
It is sad but I understand completely the dog is also apart of their life . But the kids just see it as they're missing out.
It's a loose / loose situation.

Some options could be you arrange a playdate outside the house, or your kids visit Gemma sometimes.
Most importantly is Gemmas health, dog allergy can be life threatening. Just to keep that in mind if she's ever around you.

Gemma needs to get medical help for her allergy as it sounds like the sort of thing that could curtail her freedom. I have an allergy to horses so when I visit my family I have antihistamines and also am prescribed an inhaler from the doctor. Dogs are everywhere and her parents need to manage this

@Discovereads I agree...personally I don't have pets or a niece but I can't imagine putting a pet over the opportunity to have a young family member over at my house regularly interacting with my children.

It seems we're in the minority here though - well it is a nation of dog-lovers! I think there's a statistic that shows animal charities get more donations than children's donations in the UK! Says it all really😏

But the OP has only had these dogs 6 months and realistically dogs can be happy with any decent human family. It doesn’t have to be the OPs family. Humans only get one chance at a family, unlike dogs.

And in that time the OPs own son has become attached to them. What message is it giving her own child to rehome his family members because a cousin is allergic? FFS.

It is unfortunate that this child has a problem, but that and future family relationships are for her parents to manage.

And then happens pretty much every night of the week?

sounds like you e either got a commune going on there Op or your siblings are very lucky to be having free childcare after school most nights of the week!

Ok, so this is a definite wind up, very funny.

Why doesn’t everyone just go to Gemma’s? OK, so the OP’s may not be the fun house as much as usual, but really, they’re taking the piss anyway by expecting you to provide so much free childcare.

Well exactly… but I’m guessing this is free childcare for Gemma.

OP you are clearly a lovely aunt and the situation you describe pre-dogs sounds an idyllic way for all of your children to grow up, having such a close relationship with cousins.

It's nobody's fault that one child has been found to have such a serious allergy and clearly there is now a big problem, because that idyllic family dynamic is going to change.

I get that the vast majority on here are scandalised at the thought a family might give up its newly acquired dogs for the sake of one child who doesn't live in the house so I am guessing you won't do that.

However, you need to be clear that what you are saying is: these 2 dogs who arrived 6 months ago are more important to me and my family than you are, Gemma.

And actually they are more important to me than you are, Gemma's parents and siblings, too.

Because surely Gemma's parents will not let their child be excluded for the rest of her childhood from a family event, as PP are suggesting. I think it will be impossible for that family to attend any event at your home from now on, or indeed any event where you bring the dogs or are unable to completely change into fresh clothing before meeting up.

If I was your brother I would not have asked you to get rid of the dogs, but clearly the thought of his family no longer being able to visit was upsetting enough that he did. (It is mean of PP to suggest he only asked to get free childcare; can't they imagine how much he must value the family fun for his children? It seems that for dog owners, children are only ever a burden to be offloaded, while dogs are to be cosseted and never disturbed)

As there seems to be no room for compromise. I just wanted to comment to ensure you were aware of the implications for your family relationships choosing the dogs above the child will prove to be.

I can see from all the outrage on here that dog owners think there's no contest - dog more important than niece ... tough ... get over it, niece.

So depressing.

I think children matter more than animals, but the country seems to have collectively gone mad over lockdown and thinks dogs are in fact equally important.

I am with people struggling with depression and other mental illnesses daily, and there are many seriously struggling over much smaller less significant types of exclusion and behaviour towards them from their family than this would be. I am disgusted at how dismissive everyone is of the impact this will have on Gemma psychologically. We all know how harmful exclusion ay school is, it’s a type of bullying. Well this is creating and perpetuating familial exclusion, which is even more damaging to a person psychologically. It’s not a minor thing.

So you do them a FAVOR and they dictate what your family can consist of and what you can have in your OWN home?

If its a dander allergy she will most likely get over it with regular exposure, the body overreacts because its a new allergen and the body doesnt know if its dangerous, over time the reaction settles down. We had the same when we got our cats, we have asthma and autoimmune issues in our family and are all fine now and where within a few months, my sibling who alway believed he was deathly allergic to cats has adjusted slowly and has no reaction now too.

If they dont want to take the time and discomfort to introduce exposure thats fine its up to them but its also their CHOICE, they dont get to dictate your life to you.

Just want to second all of this. The dogs are sentient creatures and part of the family. you will teach everyone involved that animals are disposable if you get rid of the dogs. Can Gemma get allergy shots? Many other solutions have been suggested including Gemma's family hosting some get togethers. It is an unfortunate situation, but so unreasonable to get get rid of the dogs in this circumstance.

My DD is allergic to dog dander. We just don't go to houses where dogs are.

Voila fixed the problem

What I have never done is insult those people rehome their pets or their children a pets!! Fgs that is so entitled of your DBro

She's his DD, his responsibility

Same way your pets house and children are your responsibility

Think you've made a rod for your own back making your house the fun house where 9 cousins can come play anytime and letting your siblings dictate to you.
One of those cousins was bound to have an allergy or phobia of some kind!

I'd reply "it's ok DBro you can host a fun house sometimes for all the DCs and cousins to get together so that Gemma can have hee cousins round, when do you want me to drop off my DS? Luv Sis ps DDog is part of our family and DS's pet as much as ours, no we aren't rehoming our family pet for people that don't live in our house !"

There is a product called Petal Cleanse which you put on the dog’s coat , I have not tried it so can’t say if it works but it is supposed to make the dog’s dander non allergenic.
Worth having a look at it.