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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

643 replies

dogsdander · 12/09/2022 15:20

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 13/09/2022 20:33

Aesop45 · 13/09/2022 20:28

Or another way to look at it, what would be more upsetting for you in the long term, OP.

If something happened to your niece and you never saw her again (touch wood)

Or if you rehomed your dogs and you never saw them again?

As a family who had to rehome their dog, it was devastating, but the healthy, happy child made it a no brainier.

No reason why not rehoming the dogs would mean they didn’t see her again, but if they didn’t because brother dearest threw a tantrum over not getting his way over someone else’s home, then oh well. I’d choose the dogs and wouldn’t feel the slightest bit bad about it.

as someone else said above, maybe he should consider rehoming his kid and getting an non-allergic one.

Jack80 · 13/09/2022 20:36

Can the cousins not meet elsewhere or at someone else’s house. I would not get rid of my family pet.

whumpthereitis · 13/09/2022 20:37

Georgesgrumpymedicine · 13/09/2022 20:32

What a horrible situation. I personally don't understand the putting dogs over people thing. To me, people always come first.

Those people slamming others who don't like or prioritise dogs, you're being illogical. Unless you would feel the same with chickens or fish - they're all animals after all.

In reality your son could lose his relationship with his cousins if Gemma can't visit which would also be sad in the long run.

In that situation I would at 9 I would have purposefully set out to lose the relationship if the animals I loved had been rehomed in order to accommodate their few hours a week.

I don’t care what type of animal we’re talking about.

Aesop45 · 13/09/2022 20:41

whumpthereitis · 13/09/2022 20:33

No reason why not rehoming the dogs would mean they didn’t see her again, but if they didn’t because brother dearest threw a tantrum over not getting his way over someone else’s home, then oh well. I’d choose the dogs and wouldn’t feel the slightest bit bad about it.

as someone else said above, maybe he should consider rehoming his kid and getting an non-allergic one.

He hasn’t threw a tantrum though, has he!? He’s asked OP if she would consider making the medical needs of her niece a priority so that she isn’t excluded from the regular family set up.

And whoever said that must be an idiot so not surprising they prefer the company of dogs.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/09/2022 20:43

Yep, at 9 years old if I'd had my cat or dog taken away from me because one of my cousins got wheezy at my house .... I would never have spoken to said cousin or their parents ever again. (Well I'd have said that, in reality I suspect it would be 'until I was an adult').

Those who do not have animals do not understand that the bonds children have with their pets are basically the same as or even stronger than with human family. Adults may understand that people come first but children will not.

Even as an adult, MY animals come before someone elses children. Always.

But this is a strawman because there is no need to choose. They can simply see the allergic child outdoors, and at other venues. It just happens that this is a little less convenient than it used to be.

SandwhichGenerationGal · 13/09/2022 20:43

Surely it’s what you do with them that makes it fun and it doesn’t have to happen in your house

Chesneyhawkes1 · 13/09/2022 20:44

Not a chance in hell I'd get rid of my dogs

whumpthereitis · 13/09/2022 20:46

Aesop45 · 13/09/2022 20:41

He hasn’t threw a tantrum though, has he!? He’s asked OP if she would consider making the medical needs of her niece a priority so that she isn’t excluded from the regular family set up.

And whoever said that must be an idiot so not surprising they prefer the company of dogs.

I said if he throws a tantrum in response, and that is the reason why OP would never see her niece again. I see no reason why she wouldn’t however, it’s not like they can’t meet up with the brother and niece elsewhere. I am suspended that he had the fucking audacity to ask her that though, like it’s in any way a reasonable suggestion.

I would absolutely favor the company of dogs over the company of anyone that tried to tell me not to have animals in my own fucking house because it wasn’t convenient for them. I’m not so starved of company that I’d feel obliged to entertain anyone pulling that bullshit.

whumpthereitis · 13/09/2022 20:52

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/09/2022 20:43

Yep, at 9 years old if I'd had my cat or dog taken away from me because one of my cousins got wheezy at my house .... I would never have spoken to said cousin or their parents ever again. (Well I'd have said that, in reality I suspect it would be 'until I was an adult').

Those who do not have animals do not understand that the bonds children have with their pets are basically the same as or even stronger than with human family. Adults may understand that people come first but children will not.

Even as an adult, MY animals come before someone elses children. Always.

But this is a strawman because there is no need to choose. They can simply see the allergic child outdoors, and at other venues. It just happens that this is a little less convenient than it used to be.

Exactly. I know my brother would have been right there with me too. Instead of the uncle dealing with a cousin relationship that needed to be nurtured in either his house or outdoors, he would instead be left with a destroyed one.

Bearsan · 13/09/2022 21:00

DH and I wouldn't get rid of our dogs for anyone in the world. We wouldn't be asking anyone's opinion or even discussing it.
Sick of threads about animals being expendable.

dogsdander · 13/09/2022 21:01

@SandwhichGenerationGal I think it's more the things we have here that make it the fun house.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 13/09/2022 21:08

Sounds like you have a full time job as an unpaid childminder for multiple families. I’d welcome the natural break getting this dog
will give you from childcare. They don’t sound grateful and I wouldn’t be getting rid of a family pet just so you can carry on with childcare. Your brother can invite your child round their house at the weekend instead. I’m sure they will still have ‘fun’.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/09/2022 21:17

I had a very asthmatic friend, super mega wheezetastic, she came to our house for days when we were out in the garden, we went to hers for sleep overs, we minded their taxidermied otter until she left home... (she now owns two indoor cats and no carpets.)

It would have been easier if she could have slept at our house, we saw a LOT of one another between the ages of 3 and 16, holidays together, sleep overs, parties, 'play dates'... but it was perfectly manageable and I don't recall anyone feeling left out or missing out on anything because we had cats and carpets and she had asthma..

Similarly another childhood friend used a wheelchair, our home was not wheelchair friendly for long stays (downstairs was but steps to get outside front and back) - but the adults involved put in the work that we all saw lots of one another (again, holidays in the UK and abroad, play dates at theirs, sleep overs at theirs) that this wasn't an issue, in fact it is only now that I am a wheelchair user that I realise how MUCH work the parents did to ensure this was never a consideration for us kids!

The current system doesn't work for ONE family and ONE child, that means the parents of that child need to facilitate any changes and come up with new ideas that work.

Not that the OP get rid of dogs so that the old system works for others!

Strangeways19 · 13/09/2022 21:22

No! You can't get rid of your dogs & I think you'd resent your dn & family asking you to do this if you did.

Plus, there's massive issues with rehoming dogs at the moment due to the living crisis people are rehoming theirs dogs due to not being able to afford them. So you might find this very difficult anyway.

Very sad for your DN but there will be something that will help her I'm certain of it.

Suzi888 · 13/09/2022 21:22

No. I would not rehome my pet in order to provide free childcare.

Gemma- can see everyone elsewhere- perhaps family /friends can go to Gemma’s parents house! Problem solved.

Darbs76 · 13/09/2022 21:24

So unreasonable to ask you to do that. I absolutely no way would be giving my dog up for someone who just visits. Completely unreasonable to ask you to, I’d let them know they are part of your family and as sad as you are about Gemma not being able to visit you’ll ensure you meet her outdoors or other relatives can step up and have fun meet ups for cousins

Solonge · 13/09/2022 21:39

Really? You need to ask if it’s ok to get rid of members of your family, your dogs, to accommodate your brothers child so you can look after her? When you adopt a dog or cat, you are taking them in as family. You love them, they love you (usually dogs are far more loyal than humans) why would you put your dogs into a shelter because your brother asked? They live with you full time….your niece doesn’t.
Afraid I wouldn’t countenance it. I would offer to have your niece away from your house with the other kids on occasions, but disrupt your family? No….well I wouldn’t. I think your brother has a massive cheek to ask!

Solonge · 13/09/2022 21:42

Then if it’s the things you have that make it the fun house….make it clear she is welcome to play in the garden on nice days….that’s as far as I would go….

Solonge · 13/09/2022 21:50

Some people who I assume, and truly hope…don’t have animals think it’s crazy to put needs of an animal over a human…If it’s your own child that’s allergic then fair enough…but someone else’s child? Never….my animals are my family… frankly most animals are a lot nicer than some of the viperous humans I’ve met…. And animals deserve loyalty.

Solonge · 13/09/2022 21:58

Dogs are sentient beings…not just ‘a bloody dog’.

GreenyAnnie · 13/09/2022 22:07

Op first off you're an amazing sister to have, looking after your nieces, nephews. You've done everything you can within your means. Have you communicated all this to your brother? (washing the dogs, cleaning etc) he's unreasonable but this is not your problem. I'd prioritise my dogs. They're family now. Maybe niece should see a Dr and get some medicine. Beyond that, brother can chip in to change your floors. 🤔🤷‍♀️

Brackensmomma · 13/09/2022 22:09

Was gonna say can't you look after her at your brothers home with the rest of the kids so gets to see everyone.?
But in no way would I give up my dogs. If she lived with you that would be different story. But no your brother is way out of line and has absolutely no right to ask you that. I'm afraid he's just thinking if the free childcare and not his daughters health needs.. I get that money is really tight right now..
But you can't be expected to give up your pets as you said your son would be heart broken and probably resent Gemma for the fact that his dogs have gone..
Very sad situation that your damned If you do and dammed if you don't. Good luck

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 13/09/2022 22:21

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/09/2022 14:22

No of course not

She needs an allergy/hay fever nasal spray and possibly to take an antihistamine tablet too.

the chemist can recommend ones for kids, or Google

Your brother is cheeky bugger

Ridiculous comment. You have no idea about severe allergies. It's not that easy. These routes do not work - as was clear re: Gemma from the OP. It's not helpful to peddle these myths.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 13/09/2022 22:31

PlntLady · 13/09/2022 18:48

My brother had a horrendous dog allergy and didnt realise until he got a dog. He went to the docs an they told him that the allergy would lessen with exposure. And sure enough it did over time. I also had a horse allergy, similar situation to my brother, not realised until we got a horse as an adult. This to lessened with exposure. Is gradual exposure to build up her immunity an option?

Clearly not given she had a bad asthmatic attack triggered by dogs - she may not live long enough for the allergy to lessen. I do wish people would stop conflating their 'get a bit snuffly around dogs' with the sort of response which lands you in hospital.

Discovereads · 13/09/2022 22:36

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 13/09/2022 22:31

Clearly not given she had a bad asthmatic attack triggered by dogs - she may not live long enough for the allergy to lessen. I do wish people would stop conflating their 'get a bit snuffly around dogs' with the sort of response which lands you in hospital.

I agree. Real allergies do not lessen with exposure, they get worse. Some real idiots on here calling a bit of sensitivity an allergy.