for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

[dogsdander]

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

Sorry I haven't read the full thread, so apologies if this has been suggested, but do you have room to put a summerhouse in the garden? When I was a kid, my parents bought & parked an old caravan in the garden for us to use as a playhouse. You could then keep this as a dog-free space for the kids?

@dogsdander I can understand this from both sides. I myself had a dog allergy growing up and my son has a severe cat allergy. A lot of my family have pets and we have to take precautions for my son so he can still see his aunts/uncles/grandparents. I would never expect them to get rid of their pets or make changes to their houses just to accommodate my son. I do ask that they clean as best they can or have a space in their house where the pets do not go so there’s a safe space for him to play.

Of course you should not get rid of your dogs.

This might be an interesting listen, OP. Radio 4 programme

The Curious Cases of Rutherford & Fry -The Riddle of Red-Eyes and Runny-Noses

I came in in the middle of it so didn't hear it all, but part of the discussion - with allergy researchers and experts - was the question of whether isolating from the allergen helped or hindered the person to manage their allergy.

Carpets are the worst. Could you have one kids, hard floored, room that is a dog free zone ? other than that can they go bicycling, play outside when DN is there ?
I had this all my life & had to have a Ventolin puffer constantly at hand.
The real essence is hand washing, & not to ever touch your face.
Obviously playing & touching the dogs, or rolling on the carpet is out too.

I have been allergic to dogs for a long time. For many years, I took shots for my allergies (I'm also allergic to a wide range, including dust, dust mites, oak pollen, etc.). So, I understand the frustration your niece feels and I understand how sometimes it might get to the boiling point.

I agree that you should not get rid of your dogs, although I understand the frustration the parents must feel, and sympathize with them. They probably asked you to get rid of the dogs in a moment of frustration, while struggling to find a solution to the problem. While it is an unreasonable request, I hope you met it with compassion and understanding. It is really sad to see people in this thread advising you to tell your family members to "F off," etc. etc. They think you should say that to a family member who is having problems? Really? There's no need for crudeness and lack of civility! Do they also tell people who are handicapped to get out of their way and "shut up"? Do they tell old people that they should die because they are taking up space and resources that should go to younger people? It's just really barbaric.

As many people have commented, there is no easy solution, perhaps no solution at all to your problem. That is probably true, but while in some ways it is the problem of Gemma and her parents, if you really want to think of yourselves as a family, then it has to be your problem, too.Trying to think of a solution, I am wondering if there is any area in your house that you could keep dog-free, such as a large bedroom, a play area, etc. Perhaps your brother could bring her there and she could play with the family.

Alternately, perhaps you could plan an outing such as a park, or a restaurant where you could all go and where your niece would be able to interact with the family. Can you meet at some kind of football game? Or a movie? She really needs something like that! Perhaps part of her frustration came from being isolated, as well as often sick.

Or perhaps you can go to HER house and she and your children can play THERE.

Perhaps there is no solution, but you CAN open your heart to your niece and your brother, and sympathize with their problem. Just the fact that you care and want to find a way to include your niece in the family will mean a lot. Your warmth and compassion will mean a lot to your niece in the years ahead.

There's a dog shampoo you can get to reduce dander coming off the dogs.
I bought it about 10 years ago, can't mind the name of it but your vet should be able to advise. I found it worked well with sneezing and wheezing with my alsatianxlab.

I think you need to think about the consequences with the relationship with your brother as your two families will not be able to socialise in each others homes with the dogs. You need to think if the inevitable rift that will ensue is worth it. There are options though, you could get dogs with none allergic coats, I know poodles are one such breed, but there are others which have hair and not fur. Then re-home the ones you've got. Obviously noone knew about your neices allergy previously. It's a lot to think about.

@WhereYouLeftIt sums this situation up perfectly. People who get regular favours all too often start to expect those favours as their right. They get hugely indignant if those favours have to be curtailed or altered and demand their lackey continues with those favours.
OP it is time your siblings started to create those special times with the cousins if they believe they are so vital. And it is way past time they stopped using you as free childcare. Do not get rid of your dogs because of your brother's spoilt tantrums. He needs to learn you are not his lackey. He needs to grow the fuck up and start to take responsibility for what he wants rather than demanding the world revolve around him.

Totally agree with this. It seems offering the time and space to have all the kids round hasn’t been an issue until now. So it’s a well settled routine and OP has built strong relationships with the kids, it’s not just ‘free childcare’ to them.

Essentially OP will have to choose, dogs or the current set up as it is.

For me, it would be Worth considering that in 10 years time the dogs will be long gone but the kids will be near adults who OP may barely know. And kids are only young once.

And before the doggo brigade jump on me, I did have to rehome my beloved pup because my child does have severe allergies and asthma which we learnt after. And a dear family member has since gotten a dog (slightly diff to this instance I know) and it has caused issues in the relationship. So I can understand this from all angles.

It sounds like your wider family life is almost entirely hosted in your house - whether it’s for childcare or just socially at other times.They can’t ask you to give up the dog, but it seems unreasonable that so much of the family time continues to be at a place where one person cannot join in.
If Gemma got upset, is it because no one has made an effort to visit her while she can’t go to the usual meet ups?
It must confusing and heart breaking to essentially be excommunicated by your whole family at such a young age. The message given is definitely that “you are less important than a dog”. It would be different if us was just some sneezing etc, but wheezing/breathing issues is a whole different kettle of fish and 100% not the poor girl’s fault!!

And the consequences of rehoming the dogs? The devastation of OP’s son, of her husband? Her own? It may be nice to think that without the dogs it will be back to business as usual, but it’s highly unlikely to be the case. I can well imagine it would in fact result in extreme resentment and hostility towards the uncle and niece. I know as a child I would have made sure that even without the dogs that they considered themselves unwelcome.

A close cousin relationship is not the be all and end all, but if it is desired then it does not have to depend on OP’s house being available. If it worries the brother then he can arrange something in his own.

Wow. No, just no. I can’t believe your brother expects you to do this. This is an issue he needs to deal with, not you. I feel sorry for the niece but they cannot expect you to do that.

Spot on!

Are you psychic?!

😮

The OP doesn't want any old dogs, she wants the ones who live in her own home as part of her family.
This is a very weird reply from someone who clearly doesn't understand the concept of caring for your pets.

It's a fallacy that "hypoallergenic" dogs are OK with any and everyone.

The original labradoodles bred as service dogs for blind people with dog allergies were very carefully matched with the individuals who were given them - a dog which provoked an allergic reaction with Person A may not provoke one with person B etc.

Of course this was simplified to "add a poodle to the mix and anyone can have a dog an not suffer an allergy". It was an absolute godsend to BYBs - first they started putting poodle in with everything and advertising the resultant litters as "hypoallergenic:, and then they moved on to stupid crosses with silly names just to cater to the people who wanted something "unusual".

I don't dent that there are some lovely little cross-breeds out there, but it has led to a lot of very bad breeding and subsequent suffering and heartbreak.

(Sorry - minor de-rail. I'll shut up now)

Op doesn’t want any old dogs, she wants her family, her dogs.
You do also realise that it’s not just fur that people are allergic too?
people with severe allergies can mean they can’t be around ANY dogs, it’s not just the fur of the animal!

Or maybe the brother could put his daughter into care and adopt a child without allergies?

You forget that people love their pets, just as they do their children - you can't just "replace" one dog with another any more than you could replace a child.

No!!!! Do not get rid of your dogs. They are part of your family too. If you did you would resent it for the rest of your life xxx

the previous owners of our house had a dog. We vacuumed and vacuumed washed the carpets but I was still allergic, no amount of cleaning stops it. Can you plan some special trips for Gemma and other kids? Swimming? Cinema etc? And organise play in the garden? I can cope do long as I don’t touch the dogs and have my pump with me. Has she tried that?

No, don't get rid of the dogs, they're part of your family. Would you brother like it if you asked him to get rid of your niece??

No your own child comes first. I'm 65 and still remember my mum and dad giving our dog away to an aunt when I was 4. Long memory LOL. Never forgave for that.

Or another way to look at it, what would be more upsetting for you in the long term, OP.

If something happened to your niece and you never saw her again (touch wood)

Or if you rehomed your dogs and you never saw them again?

As a family who had to rehome their dog, it was devastating, but the healthy, happy child made it a no brainier.

No. Do NOT give up your dogs, id be FURIOUS they asked. Dogs are family.
Do days outside of home, park or something, and see her at their house, if shes sadly unable to join you that is NOT your fault.
Hopefully it will be an allergy she grows out of.

What a horrible situation. I personally don't understand the putting dogs over people thing. To me, people always come first.

Those people slamming others who don't like or prioritise dogs, you're being illogical. Unless you would feel the same with chickens or fish - they're all animals after all.

In reality your son could lose his relationship with his cousins if Gemma can't visit which would also be sad in the long run.