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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

643 replies

dogsdander · 12/09/2022 15:20

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

OP posts:
gatehouseoffleet · 13/09/2022 14:14

MichelleScarn · 13/09/2022 11:39

Why devastation because she can't go to 1 family members home? She can go to other homes, activities events, days out.

Well she can't if they have dogs.

And even going out now is a pain because people flatly refuse to keep them under control. One jumped up at me on Sunday because "he thought I was friendly". I am not allergic. But I could be.

However, despite all that it's not the OP's problem to solve. She has to put her own child first. Pity the dog allergy wasn't discovered before she got the dogs, in which case she could have taken a view, but after the event is too late.

milkyaqua · 13/09/2022 14:17

So she can't visit. Too bad, too sad. Utterly outrageous to suggest you get rid of your family pets. I guess it's some mad form of entitlement.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/09/2022 14:22

No of course not

She needs an allergy/hay fever nasal spray and possibly to take an antihistamine tablet too.

the chemist can recommend ones for kids, or Google

Your brother is cheeky bugger

dogsdander · 13/09/2022 14:59

@Lilgamesh2 on the weekends maybe. It's not viable at at during the time we normally watch the kids during the weekdays. He and his wife are at work during that time.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 13/09/2022 15:08

Midlifemusings · 13/09/2022 14:08

I don't disagree. I was responding to someone who didn't see why it would be upsetting for the child and why they didn't just meet up elsewhere.

You can tell the kid - tough shit, life isn't fair but that doesn't mean she won't or is wrong to feel upset that all the cousins hang out every weekend together and during the week with fun aunt and uncle and she is excluded.

I’m not saying she won’t feel that way. She may well do, and if she does her parents needs to manage it, and look at making alternative arrangements for the cousins.

But yes, ultimately it is indeed ‘tough shit’, it’s not ‘hey sis, rehome your dogs and devastate YOUR family’.

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 15:10

dogsdander · 13/09/2022 14:59

@Lilgamesh2 on the weekends maybe. It's not viable at at during the time we normally watch the kids during the weekdays. He and his wife are at work during that time.

Do all the kids go to the same school?

how the heck does this work? So they leave work and drop off and then couple of hours later pick up?

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 15:11

Are you honestly ok with multiple children are under your home every day Monday to Friday and sometimes weekend?

Does your son not want to come back from school and sometimes just chill out and have his home to himself?

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 13/09/2022 15:12

Who the hell juggles their own lives to accommodate a family member? And what arse hole would even make such a request?
The entitlement is astounding here!!

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 15:12

dogsdander · 13/09/2022 14:59

@Lilgamesh2 on the weekends maybe. It's not viable at at during the time we normally watch the kids during the weekdays. He and his wife are at work during that time.

Do you and your partner not work?

Cam22 · 13/09/2022 15:20

No.

dogsdander · 13/09/2022 15:22

@Doingprettywellthanks the very first sentence of my original post explains our work situation.

Yes, we do not mind it. Our son is very sociable that's one of the main reasons we like having the cousins over. Some of the children go to the same school as our son. If they're coming over that day we will pick them up. The ones that go to other school may get dropped off by a friends parent or by their parent on the way to work. It really depends on the day and the kid. It's not really as complicated as it may seem to you.

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 13/09/2022 15:27

dogsdander · 12/09/2022 15:53

@MrsWooster we've looked into the floors, but it costs a lot.

Your brother should pay for it, of course.

Nightmare for all concerned. Has he looked into desensitisation therapy for your niece?

LimeCheesecake · 13/09/2022 17:42

Well sometimes an arrangement has to come to an end. Gemma can’t come over any more, it’s sad, but your brother will have to find ways to keep the relationship going between the cousins, inviting your ds over sometimes, helping all meet up at the park etc. you’ve done more than your fair share in ensuring the cousins have a great relationship- time for all your siblings to step up.

Turquoise123 · 13/09/2022 18:03

Tbh this shocked me. Why do they not simply have the children round to their house?

Maryminx · 13/09/2022 18:06

Don’t get rid of the dogs!
can u look after Gemma in her own home occasionally with some of her cousins?

Rosie22xx · 13/09/2022 18:27

You can't be told to get rid of your pets, that's no one's place to say. No one runs your life like that. I understand how upset she may feel because she didn't ask for this allergy, poor thing. But it sounds like you have tried everything to try and help. The solution is not for you to break up your own family unit. Either all the kids can hang out as an outdoor activity or at another venue or you host at some one else's house.

Flossatops · 13/09/2022 18:30

This is a difficult situation but you and your husband do so much to help your family that it highlights just how unreasonable the request to get rid of your pets is. As somebody previously suggested, the odd day out with your niece would be an ideal way to spend time with her but as her medical issues are something that she and her parents will have to come to terms with, they will need to accept that such compromises will always be a part of her life. You have your own family, including your dogs, which much take precedence.

Herejustforthisone · 13/09/2022 18:32

He wants you to bin off your two dogs so you can continue to provide free and convenient childcare for him? Fucking joker.

Keep the dogs. See Gemma elsewhere. Tough tits about the childcare, bro.

Midlifemusings · 13/09/2022 18:38

whumpthereitis · 13/09/2022 15:08

I’m not saying she won’t feel that way. She may well do, and if she does her parents needs to manage it, and look at making alternative arrangements for the cousins.

But yes, ultimately it is indeed ‘tough shit’, it’s not ‘hey sis, rehome your dogs and devastate YOUR family’.

I said nothing about rehoming the dogs. I was quoting a post and responding to a post that didn't understand why the niece would be upset that she couldn't go to that one house. That was it. I am not sure why you are replying to me about a whole other aspect of the post that my post didn't even address. If you want to argue the child is an asshole for feeling upset, then it would be relevant but otherwise, I don't know why you are responding to me about rehoming or not rehoming dogs.

wentworthinmate · 13/09/2022 18:40

They want you to upset your own son so their daughter who comes over occasionally doesn’t get upset??? I think not. She can see her cousins elsewhere.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/09/2022 18:40

"My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs."

So Gemma hasn't been to your house for a few months now. Has she seen her cousins at all during this time? To be blunt - have her parents invited the cousins round at the weekend, or does Gemma only get to see her cousins when you facilitate it by being everyone's free childcare?

I know you said that "We like having kids running around" but that's your side of it, I'm pointing out your siblings' side of it. All the parents benefit financially from you providing the 'fun house'.

@Lilgamesh2 asked you

"@dogsdander several posters have suggested that your DN's parents host the children more often so that less of the childcare takes place at your house but the kids can still play together. How viable is that solution in your eyes? What are the pros and cons?

That does seem like it would solve the problem but I know some things are easier said than done."

And your response was

"on the weekends maybe. It's not viable at at during the time we normally watch the kids during the weekdays. He and his wife are at work during that time."

"On the weekends maybe" suggests to me that no, Gemma's parents have not been inviting the cousins round, else your response would surely have been along the lines of 'that happens at the weekends'?

It seems to me that your brother (and maybe the other siblings too) have come to take the 'fun house' for granted. They feel entitlement, not gratitude. They don't have to give any headspace to arranging playdates / paying for childcare, because it all just happens without any real input from them. "the kids get dropped off. Sometime the parents will come in to chat." How very, very convenient it all is for your siblings! That's not a bad thing, especially since you "like having kids running around". But it does, for me, partly explain why your brother sees Gemma's allergy as a problem for YOU to solve, rather than a problem for him and his wife to solve. He is so very very used to you supplying his needs.

And that's why I think you should bat it back to your brother. He is the parent, you are the aunt. It is his responsibility to facilitate his daughter's relationships with her cousins (not yours!). And he can do that by being the 'weekend fun house'. It may not have occurred to him that he can do that, because he's so used to you facilitating all this for him. But now - he needs to step up. Invite the others round to his. Who knows, it could also facilitate the relationships between the parents. You obviously all live nearish to each other. He just needs to be an adult and centre his daughter instead of expecting you to do it all.

As an aside - I also don't think it's in Gemma's best long-term interests for you to re-home the dogs. It would teach her that animals are disposable, and I don't think that's a healthy attitude in life.

WTAFhappened123 · 13/09/2022 18:46

Dog rescue charities are in their knees - please don’t put your dogs up for adoption

Midlifemusings · 13/09/2022 18:48

WTAFhappened123 · 13/09/2022 18:46

Dog rescue charities are in their knees - please don’t put your dogs up for adoption

Nothing in any of Op's posts indicate she has ever thought of getting rid of the dogs.

PlntLady · 13/09/2022 18:48

My brother had a horrendous dog allergy and didnt realise until he got a dog. He went to the docs an they told him that the allergy would lessen with exposure. And sure enough it did over time. I also had a horse allergy, similar situation to my brother, not realised until we got a horse as an adult. This to lessened with exposure. Is gradual exposure to build up her immunity an option?

WhoNeedsToSleepAnyway · 13/09/2022 18:49

I've been the niece with allergies and to be honest I had to get on with it. I suggest lots of outdoor play when the weather allows and going to other places as a family when not. My allergies weren't quite as bad, but I never expected my cousin's family to get rid of their dogs. Although it did annoy me that even if we went somewhere else that they 'had to get back for the dogs' but that's probably another thread!!

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