for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

[dogsdander]

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

The dog doesn't need to be rehomed. A room can be dog-free or OP can provide space in the garden, etc.

OP is inadvertently sending a message to all the family DCs (including her own) that they are welcome only when well and that any incapacity or difficulty means they'll be pushed out rather than accommodated. It's also teaching her DS he can drop family and friends - showing no loyalty or consideration. This isn't about dog people. It's about caring people.

Wtf, no she isn't. They've tried many things to minimise DNs reaction but her allergy has problem too strong.

Such extreme views on this thread. The obvious thing to do, if a child is allergic to your home, is just meet them at their own or out of the house. It teaches no such ridiculous lessons about "casting people out" to do this, it's just common sense.

I am v allergic to dogs so understand as I often can't go to friend's houses and even my mil has a dog. I am considering trying to get allergy desensitisation as while years ago was told I was too allergic to too many things for it to be a possibility I do wonder whether advances etc might mean something is feasible.

Anyway, no, i think you should keep your dogs but look for potential workarounds :

Rotating houses that the kids play at - even if you need to pop over with ds.

Make one room allergen free and put laminate in that room, exclude the dogs from that one room ahead of dn visit.

Get a pop up gazebo so kids can hang out in the garden more.

Definitely relate to this, it is tough being allergic to pets. And the current explosion of dog ownership has made it harder.

Definitely part of the reason I am looking at desensitisation, it really limits your life all round.

And make your next dogs the hypoallergenic ones

@maddening It’s really hard to get desensitising. I looked into it. Even privately, they are reluctant to do it for everyday living. It’s mainly offered for people who work with animals.

And I’m still allergic to hypoallergenic dogs. I was told by the allergy clinic there is no such thing. They might be short haired or not she’d a lot. But it’s the skin and saliva of ANY dog that causes a reaction.

Really? Devastate the people who actually live in the home, in order to accommodate someone who visits?

Getting rid of the dogs is unlikely to result in happy families. At nine I would have been hell bent on revenge if my pets had been rehomed for this, no matter the amount of pious ‘but faaaamily’ lectures from my parents.

For me… this would have been the more pertinent thread.

mon-Friday… every evening, an aunt and uncle having multiple children over to their home, giving them a snack and occasionally dinner too.

Five days a week. A couple with no children but having multiple children very every night.

no one else find that intriguing?

They do have children @Doingprettywellthanks the son whose dog it is?

To a certain degree - not your problem. Sad for Gemma, certainly, but not your fault or responsibility.

Perhaps it's time for other family members to start hosting the pack of children more regularly? Especially as you seem to all be quite local to each other?

I suspect Gemma's parents are also frustrated about the reduction in free childcare!

We discovered my eldest was badly allergic to cats - he was living in the annex when we got them so didn’t realise till he moved back into the main house. We’ve discovered an air purifier really helps he can get in with the cats fine now.

Obviously yanbu, feel a bit sorry for the niece but there are so many other extremely easy ways the relationship can still be maintained. Its pretty unimaginative and manipulative to think its got to be in your home or nothing at all.

Whats that saying? When people show you who they are listen to them? If your DB is being this manipulative about this situation what will be next?

Awww gutted, the increase in dogs has such an impact to my life I was hoping that it might help.

I am less allergic to my sisters cavapoo but she does have no carpets in her house so that might help too. But I guess what one is allergic to in a dog will vary between people.

Really? Devastate the people who actually live in the home, in order to accommodate someone who visits?

If we assume the niece really can't visit anymore because of an allergy that severe, there's 'devastation' either way.

This is actually one of the few AIBUs that doesn't have an obvious answer, even though some are pretending there is.

Why devastation because she can't go to 1 family members home? She can go to other homes, activities events, days out.

Maybe to your eyes, but I’m not seeing where the answer isn’t obvious. I’d rather ‘devastate’ a niece than I would my own child, or indeed my husband, myself and the dogs themselves that would suffer as a result. Like I said, had I been a child losing my pets I would be making damn sure that it wasn’t just the dogs that made them feel unwelcome. They’re deluded if they think x-ing out the dogs means it’s automatically going to go back to how it was.

As unfortunate as it is for the niece, neither she nor her parents get to dictate what happens in someone else’s home. What they can do is invite the nieces and nephews to their house on occasions instead, or arrange for the families to meet outside.

To those who have said OP is unreasonable and that Gemma will feel left out...

If original post read that OP has been offered more hours at work and has decided to take this offer, she can no longer look after the children that come over to her home the same days that Gemma does (OP said that all 9 aren't there on the same day, it's not everyday, but rather one or two days per week). Gemma wants to still come so that she's not excluded, should OP not take the extra hours at work??

OP states that her in laws can do childcare on those days at their home but they have cats... Should they get rid of the cats?? Or in law's offer to go to brother or other aunt/uncles house to do the childcare, but that's not the "fun house" should children be allowed to dictate FREE childcare arrangements?!?

It's unfortunate that Gemma is allergic, there are numerous other options:

1. Outdoor play;
2. Soft play centre meet ups;
3. Her PARENTS allowing hosting at their allergy free house...

But apparently the only possible solution is to deprive OP's son of beloved family pets/ change her decor and furnishings at her expense/ maintain the status quo with no change because heaven forbid we should change the "tradition".

Jeezo... If Brother has such an issue, then have hosting at his allergy free house... But wait, he doesn't get the free childcare/ child free hours that way!! 🙄🙄🙄

YANBU - tell your brother to stop being so entitled and work at finding alternatives that allow the cousins still to meet up, rather than demanding the status quo is maintained!

This particular home hosts these kids on weekends and on occasion during the week. All the other cousins will still be spending considerable time at the house with aunts, uncles, and cousins - she won't be there.

On occasion - sure, they could intentionally do an activity with her outside the house but their routine is to consistently have the neices and nephews over for what sounds like considerable amounts of time. As a child, being excluded when everyone else has fun at Aunt and Uncle's house can be devastating.

I did desensitizing shots for 2 years. I am still allergic to dogs. I think it might have helped a little but not enough that I can spend time around a dog and not have issues.

I am also allergic to hypoallergenic dogs. It is the dander on the skin that is the allergen and while hypoallergenic dogs shed less, they still lose hair and roll around and their skin dander gets all over the place!

That’s life. It’s no one’s fault, but circumstances have changed and she’s going to have to learn to adapt to the new reality. She may not want to, but ‘you can’t always get what you want’ is a basic fucking life lesson.

It’s up to her parents to find reasonable and realistic alternatives, not demand OP’s family get rid of their much loved pets.

@dogsdander several posters have suggested that your DN's parents host the children more often so that less of the childcare takes place at your house but the kids can still play together. How viable is that solution in your eyes? What are the pros and cons?

That does seem like it would solve the problem but I know some things are easier said than done.

Unfortunately she'll need to get used to this and realise people can't shape their lives around her allergy. There will be many other things that she'll miss out on like playdates at friends homes, parties etc. Its harsh for her but unfortunately one of those things and she'll need to grow a bit of a thick skin about it.

I'm sure ops home is lovely but not worth all the drama. Kiddies can meet up in other places and maintain the relationship if its that important

@dogsdander for me I think it comes down to one question that would help me decide what to do.

A) are your nephews and nieces coming to your house because they NEED to for childcare reasons?

Or

B) are they coming because they WANT to/you're inviting them round to do "fun things"?

If it's scenario A then I think that's just unfortunately how it is and you cannot stop helping your other relatives out with childcare just because your one niece has an allergy to your dogs. But neither can your brother expect you to get rid of your dogs or start spending money changing flooring/furniture just so that you can continue to provide "free childcare".

If it's scenario B then I agree with some of the other posters that this really isn't fair on your niece and it is now effectively excluding her. In this case I would stop having the others around so often and make arrangements for you all to do things outside of your home where she can be included. But again, this is not entirely on you either to facilitate the other Childrens relationships, their parents also need to step up if that is something they want.

I don't disagree. I was responding to someone who didn't see why it would be upsetting for the child and why they didn't just meet up elsewhere.

You can tell the kid - tough shit, life isn't fair but that doesn't mean she won't or is wrong to feel upset that all the cousins hang out every weekend together and during the week with fun aunt and uncle and she is excluded.

I was responding to a post, not incapable of understanding the issue. I have severe allergies, I get it. It doesn't mean she can't be upset about being excluded all the time from all the activities and the cousins all hanging out together while she can't.