for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

[dogsdander]

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

Good grief, this thread has turned bad real fast 😮

Don't get rid of the dogs. Nobody knows how it will affect ops own child (mentally and emotionally) who actually lives there full time if they go. Its not fair on him.

This is a problem for Gemmas own parents to work out. Are they going to demand all of Gemmas school friends get rid of their pets so she can have a pladydate? No. Friends will go to gemmas or the park etc.

Will Gemma demand that all future adult friends get rid of their pets too, or will she just meet them elsewhere?

Gemmas parents need to manage gemmas expectations right now, otherwise Gemma will implode at some point.

This babysitting arrangement will last a few more years at most. A dog is for life.

I adored my animals as a child (still do now). If an uncle tried, and succeeded, in forcing my parents to rehome them, I would never have forgiven them. Even with the animals gone those family members would not in any way, shape, nor form have had a pleasant visit. Your brother is deluding himself in thinking that getting rid of the dogs means everything goes back to normal. There’s every possibility it kills the cousin relationship stone fucking dead.

Is it better for your own child to be resentful, or for a visitor to be?

No, you shouldn’t give up the dogs and your brother was very unreasonable to ask you to do this. It’s very sad about Gemma’s allergy, but it shouldn’t be difficult to arrange meet-ups elsewhere.

As your niece is 8, it won’t be all that long before she’s organising her own social life so if you get rid of your DDogs, you may find that she no longer visits nearly so much anyway.

I would say offer to do a after school treat with Gemma once a week at hers or outside of house so you still see her regularly but without the dogs.

I was an only child. I'm sorry, but if one of my cousin's was allergic to my dog, I'd rather keep my dog!

If this helps at all I was Gemma in a similar situation.

I'm allergic to most animals, slightly better with short haired cats but long haired cats, most dogs, and horses make my eyes swell up, my throat tighten, make me wheeze and give me raised itchy bumps. Antihistamines are hit and miss depending on what animal/breed of animal sets me off.

Every single member of my extended family had animals.
We had cats when I was growing up. My allergies started around puberty and seemed to get worse with exposure.

I don't think you should rehome your dogs. It's great that you're willing to do things to mitigate the situation (extra cleaning, considering changing flooring etc)
But it's your house. It will make your child resentful and at the end of the day uts not your issue.

Gemma parents need to look into to coping techniques, different medications and Amy therapies which may help.

In the interim I love the idea of meeting outside somewhere, or in a different house. I think that shows that you're still willing to spend time with Gemma without making her allergies worse.

My family kept telling me I'd grow out of it. I never did. So now I have no animals at my house and they can visit me there.

I do however get them moaning that I don't allow their dogs in my house as "surely you've outgrown that, and how much harm can they do"

Now that level of entitlement really pisses me off...

Please excuse the huge amount of spelling mistakes and weird autocorrects. Typing fast on My phone with fat thumbs!

Pets are very important to an only child. They live in the same house and are very often considered pseudo siblings. The cousins can still bond and do things at the other houses. I feel for an only child a dog is more important.

It's a massive ask for a child that comes over once or twice a week. The world can't and won't adapt to Gemma. She has to adapt. Her parents are responsible for supporting this. There will be many homes she can't go to because they have pets. Unfortunately life isn't fair and she needs to get used to it.

So you love those animals more than care about your niece’s health and well-being. YABU.

Yes but OP at the same time he cannot dictate what happens in your home because he feels a certain way.
Imagine how devastated your son would be just because his cousin/uncle wants it that way. Its ridiculous.

This is like the thread about the house, the house sitting niece and the sister with four kids, all over again.

Weird way to look at things. If this was the niece's home it would be unreasonable but it's not. It's the OPs home and the OP and her family including HER child want dogs. It's very entitled to expect a family to never have pets because your dc is allergic. Entitled and plain bat shit

A dog is a dog. It literally does not care where it stays, as long as it is fed and walked a bit.

Never owned a dog have you?

Mine loses weight to the point we can see his ribs when left in kennels because it stresses him so much to be away from us/our home.

But he's fed and walked so that's all that matters to him right?

If the allergy is that bad then yes, I’d rehome the dogs.

Haven't RTFT but of course you shouldn't get rid of your dogs. But is there scope to have one dog-free room in your house?

I'm allergic to cats, a friend of mine has cats but he keeps them out of the dining room so I can still go over for dinner. (It's not just on my account, obviously, he has other friends with allergies.)

Obviously your niece can't really hang out in other rooms but that's a fair price to pay.

Nope they are your dogs living in your home. She doesn’t live there she visits. This is said as someone who has a similar reaction to certain breeds of dogs.

I adore my nephew and love having him here but if he developed a dog allergy I cannot fathom getting rid of my much-loved dog. We’d have to find ways round it.

I think you need to tell your brother that getting rid of the dogs is an absolute non-starter but you’re willing to work around it in any way you can.

Is there a room in your house you could designate a totally dog-free room? That you could get deep-cleaned and then keep the dogs out of there at all times (not just when Gemma visits) and all playtime with her cousins happens in there? That would probably be my first instinct but perhaps you have already tried that.

Have the parents looked into getting her treated so the allergy is cured or she’s at least partially desensitised to it? It would take at least a few months but why don’t they consider this particularly since dogs are fairly common and it will be difficult for her to avoid them. I had desensitising treatment for dust mite allergy about 15 years ago and it made a massive difference

I looked into this.

It’s only for people who work on farms or vets and become allergic.

They won’t fo general members of the public. Not even privately l don’t think.

Let me guess - childless woman told to #bekind and let mum of four kids live in and destroy her house rent-free?

I was a child with severe animal allergies that caused asthma attacks and also have family that had dogs / cats.

The reality is that you really just get excluded from a lot. You get left out of family activities and you have to stay home while others get together. You learn early on that life isn't fair and that your inclusion in the family isn't a priority for most.

Just don't blame her for not coming over anyways and suffering. People often would say well we invited you, you are welcome to come as though I was being difficult or choosing to exclude myself by not going over and struggling to breathe at their house. Many people without allergies think an allergy pill is a cure all - it isn't.

In the end it meant I became very close to my grandmother and had an amazing relationship with her. She was in a wheelchair so many family houses were also not accessible to her and so I spent a lot of time with her while the family hung out together. Sometimes family would complain that she favoured me but we just spent a lot of time together and had the shared experience of exclusion from family activities and get togethers.

There won't be a nice outcome to this. Either you rehome the dogs or your niece never visits (at least inside) again.

Put in those stark terms I'd have chosen the niece. Ordinarily I'd have said her not coming wouldn't be the end of the world, but you've curated a 'fun house' for your extended family that they come to all the time and her exclusion will hit much harder.

But ultimately only the OP can know which scenario matters to them more.

I’m amazed at how divisive this thread is I thought the DB was batshit tbh. I am wondering if the divide is between dog owners and non dog owners.

when I was in primary school we had a Doberman puppy, completely wrong dog for the family. Bit of a council flat cliche anyway it became really aggressive with my younger sister she was 7 I think knocking her over then pinning her down and snarling. It didn’t bite but was rehomed to an adult only family. My brother and I 11 and 9completely blamed her and were quite mean at the time. Obviously we shouldn’t of been but kids can be horrid.

I suspect if the op was to rehome the dogs at her brothers behest there’d be a lot of fallout from the other children.