for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

[dogsdander]

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

I have three dogs and a cat. I adore them. However, if there was a threat to life for one of my close relatives, I would be thinking very hard about how to proceed.

My friend, who has asthma, bought a ‘hypoallergenic’ puppy and ended up seriously ill in hospital.

This is a no win situation for all concerned.

But OP has not suggested changing the tradition. ( i have! See my previous posts. I think the tradition of OP having the kids around needs to end if the dogs are to stay). What OP and most posters seem to want is that this tradition stays and Gemma is excluded.

The tradition should now be at other family members houses and the dogs can be left at OP house. I think the dogs should stay but amend the tradition, and do other things as well like outside etc, so no one feels it's changing just due to Gemma's allergy.
OP I would mention it to your brother about moving the tradition and see what he says.

OP can have whoever she wants over, that isn’t ableist at all. She is allowed to have visitors. What is she supposed to do until Gemma is, what, 18? Never have any family over in case Gemma or her parents are upset or jealous? Wise up.

If Gemma is feeling left out, then Gemma’s parents need to step up and be “the fun house where everyone meets up”. I’d be willing to put money on this never being the case, though.

She's not being cast out - she can't go over because she has developed an allergy. This shouldn't be a particularly difficult thing to explain. Yes she might still feel disappointed about missing out on things, but there's no reason for her to jump to the conclusion that she's being cast out.

Yeah, I think the fuck not. No way would I get rid of my pets. As unfortunate as it may be, they’re going to have to arrange to see you outside of your home. Totally unreasonable to ask you to rehome them.

It seems a bit odd that you've gone from seeing your niece at least twice per week to not seeing her at all and yet you seem to be caught up in your DB's question rather than how you can continue your relationship with your niece and ensure she isn't isolated from her cousins. Surely, you and your DH have talked about how you can still spend time with Gemma?
If you're both able to work hardly any hours and have the largest house to accommodate all the cousins then, to be blunt, you can afford to put wooden floor in one room. It's not a case of 'do you have to do it?' it's more 'why wouldn't you want to facilitate continuing the relationship with your niece and ensuring she isn't left out?'
I can't quite believe that a loving aunt and uncle would so easily go from prioritising family to the extreme of 'nothing can be done' when quite obviously there are solutions available. It's a DC you cared for twice per week because it suited you to have companions for your DC. You should find a working solution. Gemma is struggling to cope with new allergies and you've taken away one of her constants and impacted her place in the wider family. Why would you not try to remedy that hurt for a child you presumably care about?

Is Gemma your half brothers child? I think that may well lead to more problems of exclusion

As an aside, I love the sound of your fun house. I'd love to have lots of family round to play with my child. It's such a tricky one.

We don't do animals in my family, no one has a pet and no one has since the 60's, but based on how much I see people love their pets I probably would wouldn't rehome one for a special visitor.

Can you do covid style garden meet ups? Maybe everyone can chip on for a marquee and out door heaters.

Yep, this!

Over frequent grooming can cause dogs to develop sensitivities to products. It's not always advisable.

Also - it's expensive. It depends on the breed (long-haired dogs require clipping or stripping - smoothie-haired may just need a bath) and size, but the last time I had dog clipped (which was over 20years ago) it was nearly 40 quid for each dog* (west highland terriers). I had 6. I bought myself a pair of really good clippers and they paid for themselves within the first clip. (Took a while to get proficient, though).

*This was clipping - if I'd had them hand stepped it would have been nearly three times that price

*stripped, not stepped

7 purebred pups dumped tonight because the dog market is so saturated at the moment their value is minimal. All those saying rehome- what you mean is stick it in a kennel in a shelter along with countless other unwanted dogs

They shouldn't have asked that of you. I'd have been quite taken aback at the suggestion!

Could you possibly take the kids when ur watching them to ur nieces house. Parents cld give u a spare and you could still therefore help out with childcare.

It's crazy how you all go on about wife work and how lazy men are, but then come on threads like this and demand the woman does all the leg work.

This is MN, women are always expected to deeply care about other people’s kids, often more than their own parents do. Wife work is only a thing that mothers do, for all other women it’s #bekind.

Absolutely don’t do this. Do not put this difficult and guilt inducing choice onto a 9 year old. These are decisions for the adults to make.

@britneyisfree yes she is my half brothers daughter. I never really thought about it from that angle before. Maybe that is part of what's making him so upset about this.

Our dog has had huge benefits to DD. Her response to the question in her EHCP review 'what could school do to support you better?' was to allow DDog to come to school...

Pets can be very valuable to the mental health of the human members of the family. DDog is my constant companion (I WFH) and has introduced me to some of my closest friends through walking in our local park.

The reason people have pets is because it benefits the humans.

So won't be needing childcare for that much longer & will making her own arrangements as to who she wants to see outside of school!

What if either of her parents changed jobs & moved away?

You could get rid of your dogs only for it to have been unnecessary in a short space of time.

I hope that you don't get rid of your dogs & tbh I think that your brother is disgusting for suggesting it.

don’t get rid of your dogs OP, it’s a shame for her but that is going to be life for her now, not going to be able to go round friends who have dogs etc etc.

tbh it’s probably more so because you can’t do free childcare for them anymore, pure entitlement.

@dogsdander I am the child of a half sibling.... these things flow down generationally. No matter how close a unit there is always that question lingering when something comes up.

I would encourage you to consider a marquee or something that means she can still come if you wish to preserve the relationship

I wonder how much you would see your nephews/nieces/the cousins would see each other if you didn't offer free childcare Op?

I think he is being unfair. She is 8, how much longer is it going to be before she wants to hang with her friends rather than her cousins? The dogs will be with you a lot longer than she will want to visit.

As others have said, have a meet up else where do she can see them maybe?

I think it's a bit unreasonable to ask considering you're helping so much. I would go along the lines of what others said about wooden floors etc if it's an option or maybe keeping certain rooms dog free and those being the rooms you're neice can use when she visits?

I think it's a bit unreasonable to ask considering you're helping so much. I would go along the lines of what others said about wooden floors etc if it's an option or maybe keeping certain rooms dog free and those being the rooms you're neice can use when she visits?

Unfortunate for Gemma but shit happens. You can’t rehome your pets just for her occasional visits. See her at her house or other attractions.

I’m allergic to my nans dog, but she adores her and it gives my Nan a reason to go out and stops her being lonely. I’d never stop that.