for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

[dogsdander]

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

I think the main thing here, is making sure you make lots of effort to make Gemma feel included in other ways: garden games, parks, offer to come and play at her house etc.

My two little ones (5 and 2) have multiple severe allergies, one of them being cats. My PILs, have cats, which is obviously their choice. But they won't make the 20 minute drive to us, because they like people to come to them. As a consequence, we literally visit them a few times in the warmer months and sit in their garden (all the while I think why on Earth should I?) but they never ever say 'You know what, let's not risk the kids, we'll come to you.' They just keep getting more cats. My children wouldn't recognise them if they passed them on a street. I just think it's really sad.

I do feel it's unreasonable of them asking you to rehome your dog. As long as you do your best not to exclude your niece, you're not in the wrong in my view.

People, especially family, are far more important to me than a dog so the mutts would have to go.
I appreciate I’m in a minority here.

That’s bloody appalling, @Spacemonkey2016. I really don’t know what’s wrong with some
people.

OP YANBU

Your brother could solve this problem by dropping his huge sense of entitlement to free childcare and arranging play dates for the cousins at his house. That way Gemma can continue to have a relationship with her cousins. It is the responsibility of her parents (not the OP) to facilitate and encourage the relationships.

As a pp said it won't be much longer before the cousins start growing up and prioritising time with their friends over family.

Don't give up your dogs. It's your brother's responsibility to put his child first and it's yours to put your child first. Your brother can prioritise his daughter by hosting. You prioritise your son by keeping your dogs.

Why do you assume people disagreeing are dog owners?
I’m not a dog owner, but think op should keep her dogs

All of this.

No way - dogs are family members. I appreciate they’re not requesting it over something trivial, but the implications are awful. Please don’t let them guilt you into anything. Plus you’re helping everyone a lot & there are limits to that help when it comes to your own family & its needs/makeup.

The dogs will live longer than the children will be going to the OP’s house a couple of times a week.

At best Gemma will only want to hang out there for another 3 years if that, she certainly isn’t likely to want to by the time she starts secondary, and the 12 yo’s will be doing GCSE’s by then so they won’t be hanging out there so Gemma might not want to anyway.

So you get rid of the dogs because the kids might want to hang out there for a couple of years. And then what? Get some more?

The OP isn’t putting her dogs above her niece. She’s putting her child above her brother’s child and rightly so.

Her niece doesn’t live there. Her home is not putting her at risk. The world does not revolve around the OP’s house, there is a big wide world out there where these children can have a relationship.

If people genuinely think that the relationship is being compromised because the niece is allergic to the dogs and that there is no other alternative but to rehome them, then I think the relationships are already fractured. Because the reality is that life changes. Things change, circumstances change.

The brother could decide to move to another town in a couple of months. The OP could get a full time job, there could be illness in the family.

It’s just not practical to think that the OP’s house should always be the centre of things and that the OP and only the OP should be the one making sacrifices.

The other siblings have houses. There are parks, there are other public places. If there genuinely is a good relationship here then the other siblings would be looking for a way to keep the children together. So why aren’t they?

I don't even think its the dog. Its the fact that other people are dictating what she does in her own house. The girl doesn't even live there 24/7. Its the occasional visit.

Absolutely no chance I’d be getting rid of my dogs. I wouldn’t even consider it. Dogs are family too.

But OP has not suggested changing the tradition. ( i have! See my previous posts. I think the tradition of OP having the kids around needs to end if the dogs are to stay). What OP and most posters seem to want is that this tradition stays and Gemma is excluded.

Don't get rid of the dogs!
It's absolutely awful of your brother to even ask you too! Yes I feel bad that your DN is missing out, but it's not her house and things don't have to revolve around her.

She is the same over on fwr, in fact the more of the posts I read the more I think she likes being of the opposite opinion to most. Theres a name for it that I cant remember rn

Contrary.

I don’t think @Discovereads posts are batshit in the slightest.

If she is having fits because of the allergies, personally I would rehome the dogs, but that’s only because they’re super new to your home, and it’s a severe allergy.

if you don’t want to regime (completely understand why you wouldn’t, nobody could make me get rid of my cats) then you can’t really be the ‘fun house’ as it’s quite unfair for your niece to miss out.

personally, I don’t think that either you or your nieces father are being unreasonable though. He has a right to ask, and you have a right to say no, I just think that maybe by keeping the dogs your brother (and niece) may feel that you care for the dogs more than your niece (which might be the case lol)

@GhostFromTheOtherSide "It’s just not practical to think that the OP’s house should always be the centre of things and that the OP and only the OP should be the one making sacrifices.

The other siblings have houses. There are parks, there are other public places. If there genuinely is a good relationship here then the other siblings would be looking for a way to keep the children together. So why aren’t they?"

Totally agree with this. Why is OP the one having to get rid of her dogs, or get wooden floors or whatever? What are the other parents doing to help?

I really don't understand the families who are always going on about meeting up and cousins seeing each other all the time - it's nice when they see each other, of course, but living your life around it always ends with situations like this, because there are no boundaries in place. It always seems to be one person in particular who makes all the sacrifices, and the rest just get the benefits. Eventually, the benefits stop, and suddenly the "closeness" disappears too.

If Gemma's parents don't want her to be excluded, they need to put some effort in.

What a horrible situation for you all, but I really feel for Gemma. She's only eight, so in her mind it must seem like she's gone from visiting her fun uncle and aunt twice a week to being effectively cast out because they prefer their new dogs more. No wonder she's so upset. Should you get rid of the dogs? I don't know, but it's that or living with the knowledge your niece will never be able to come to your house while you have them. Are you happy to explain that to her?

No wonder they prefer their dogs to you I know I would 🤣 I bought a non casting dog to avoid allergy issues for Anyone but if you choose not to invite me over because you don’t like dogs and I bought one then that’s a you problem, it’s you isolating your family not the dog owner

No they are being very unreasonable. They are part of your family. I understand it's hard to the girl but you will have to find other ways for the kids to meet up and play. Do not get rid of your dogs that is cruel

It would be grossly unreasonable and ableist to exclude Gemma. If you want to keep the dogs, you need to stop being the fun house where everyone meets up.

This. Blimey your brother is entitled!

Ah, Mumsnet. The place where common sense goes to die.

I’ll keep it brief.

• This isn’t about memories and family meetings. It’s about free childcare. If it was about the aforementioned it could easily be solved by the children playing at Gemma’s house (an allergy free zone) or in outdoor open spaces like parks.
• OP has a child who is clearly bonded with the dogs. As is everyone else in her family. It would be utterly ridiculous to get rid of dogs to appease a child who visits for an hour or two a few times a week.
• OP should not be ripping up floors, buying new sofas etc for a child who doesn’t live there.
• Dog shelters are bursting at the seams. It’s one thing having to rehome a dog because of a reason you can’t control, but rehoming a dog you don’t want to rehome and love very much because of a situation like this? Ridiculous and cruel.
• Gemma’s parents need to realise that any family member providing free childcare is doing it as a favour. They are not paid employees. You don’t get to dictate who, what and when. It no longer suits due to Gemma’s allergy so her parents will have to sort out other arrangements.

This isn’t about dogs being more important than family members. This is about family members taking the absolute piss, being greedy, pushing their luck and using emotional blackmail to get a few hours child free with no kids in their house.

When OP said she had a fit, she meant a tantrum not a seizure

You would only say that if you have never know how much a dog is a loved member of the family and the devestation it would cause to the child to get rid of the dogs. They arnt mutts by the way get some decency