for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

[dogsdander]

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

Yes, I agree.

I’m in a tiny minority here, but under your circumstances, I think I would try to rehome the dogs.

Your relationship with your siblings and their children, and the relationships between all the kids, is clearly very important to you, and it’s lovely that they all get on so well.

To me, maintaining those human relationships is the most important thing, and it would be horribly sad if poor Gemma were excluded through no fault of her own (or anyone else).

It’s a really upsetting situation, though, and you have my sympathy, OP.

Completely agree, discovereads. Well said. I can't believe people put dogs above people. Madness and selfish.
A dog is a dog. It literally does not care where it stays, as long as it is fed and walked a bit. A human child absolutely knows when they are missing out on family time (especially if they have been used to it) and will know their aunt favours two random dogs over her. What a vile message that sends to Gemma.

You can't get rid of your dogs! They are part of the family. It would be different if it was your own child but not for a niece. You need to meet at her house and go there if you need to do childcare. I feel upset just thinking about you being asked to give your pets up especially when the rescues are all over full and their chance of another home would be not guaranteed.

@HellinGreece
humans bred dogs to suit humans! We bred dogs for our needs. We need them to crave our company to satisfy our emotions! Dog ownership was not created by humans to benefit dogs!

All the children meet up at your brothers house once or twice a week instead.

How dare you put your brother's free childcare over your pet!

Gemma's parents need to step up and facilitate the cousins meeting up at their house.

It is also okay to upset your child and get rid of your pet because Gemma's parents want their free childcare and do not want to give it up and have all the cousins at their own house where Gemma is safe?

🤷‍♀️

Dog allergies can be life threatening and I'd urge you to ignore advice from posters who can't understand that. I feel very sorry for Gemma. As a fellow severe allergy sufferer, there is loads I have, and do, miss out on. She may well never be able to go to friends house if they have animals. She will miss play dates, sleepovers, parties and she will have to get a job which does not take her into other people's homes. I think some people struggle to understand or be empathetic, regarding what they is like.

You can arrange things out of the home, but if she is missing things which occur in your home due to her allergies then of course that is a big deal. If kids get other medical diagnoses which will negatively impact their life for the rest of their lives and were dismissed in the way that some posters have here, that would not be considered acceptable. That said, there is no obligation on you to get rid of your dogs. I would personally minimise any events which effectively exclude her, however. Can you oversee get togethers at her house? At the park? Anywhere but the one place she now can't go?

I would not spend loads on hard floors, fancy remedies because for more severe allergies, the advice is avoid allergens and if there are dogs in your house, it's a no-go zone - all of it. It's not realistic to think you can keep one room allergen free.

Didn't need all the detail. YANBU!!!

Your brother has a cheek and you don't owe Gemma visits to the fun house.

How the hell are you missing the vile messages that Gemmas parents are sending? We demand you to get rid of the dog - entitled much ? How about the vile message of her parents being too lazy to accommodate her cousins. The world does not revolve around Gemma.

What's next ? Get rid of the car with leather seats as Gemma is allergic to leather ? Or don't go on holidays abroad as we cannot afford to take Gemma and she is missing out?

That's not what I said at all. But if OP has made her home initially so welcoming, and it is the wider family hub, and where SHE herself enjoys hosting, and she has acknowledged that her siblings/In-laws don't has it as easy and could do with some help with childcare, THAT is impactful on Gemma who can no longer participate as much. Of course they can meet up elsewhere, but it sounds like a huge bulk of family bonding is facilitated at the OPs home. That's probably easier for OP too (I love a full house myself, love to host, and prefer being at home with people over than going out all the time. It's just a nice homely atmosphere, comfortable, kids have access to their toys and whatever, easy access to the fridge etc.)

I have read all of the OPs messages and am not seeing any vile messages from Gemma's parents.
You are being VERY weird re leather and holidays.

For people saying humans are more important than dogs of course and I’m sure if OPs son was allergic to dogs she wouldn’t think twice about getting rid of the dogs but it’s her niece, someone who doesn’t live with them, who frequents regularly but who can be met elsewhere and still have the same relationship with her aunties uncles and cousins just not at OPs house anymore or in fact anyone else’s house who has a dog. This is her brothers problem to sort not hers. He needs to organise “fun house” days at his house so his daughter doesn’t feel excluded. OP has had the kids running riot in her house plenty enough, his turn now….and if it’s to do with childcare he should be offering his house for OP to watch his kid and the other kids in away from the dogs.

Actually, yes it is. Particularly after lockdown. Many families got a dog during lockdown and then didn't want them when lockdown finished. Not fair on the pets. Animal shelters are finding it difficult to cope.

Yes, it's important that OP puts her family first. She seems to be providing a free service for her siblings, and they do not get to say whether she has a dog any more than they dictate the colour of her wallpaper. The children can meet elsewhere, it's not as if they don't have homes of their own.

As has been said over and over, this is about a child knowingly being excluded from a family thing. It’s a thing in that extended family that the kids of the extended family hang out in OPs house. It’s the fact that tradition has been established that is the problem. Because there is no way to reframe that away from the niece is now excluded from that.

And as it has been pointed out over and over, it can take place somewhere else. Family Traditions change.

Why is Gemma wanting to enter the OP's home more important than her own son's wish to keep a dog that already exists? It's unfortunate that the girl is so allergic, but it's not as if she is never going to see her family ever again if this dog stays. It just means she can't be in their home.

Some of the kids are 12. How much longer are they all going to want to hang out a couple of times a week? What if they want to go out with their mates - this set up won’t last forever and I can’t see why all the adults can’t come to some sort of compromise which doesn’t involve rehoming a couple of defenceless animals. Some of the posts on here are incredible!

Can't you read. It's not their own child. It's a niece.

Yes and OPs son comes first who will want to keep his dog ffs

Can't you read. It's not their own child. It's a niece.

Doesn't that poster mean OP child who wants the dog comes first? Rather than the allergic niece?

Human have domesticated dogs to start with as we needed them! Dogs were not for mental support. They were for hunting, protection, gundogs or herding. Then we have realised they are very clever animals and often in tune with humans and we can use them for other things. They can be taught specific protection, they often form a search party for missing humans. They can sense diseases and safely direct a blind person across the town. For a lot of dog owners, they are our family.
I agree relationship wasn't there to benefit dogs, but it is now. They are very reliant on people and thats why they form a huge part of peoples lives.

Yes definitely

And even if you think the dogs would suffer as much as Gemma would, why is the dog being prioritised over Gemma?

Why would Gemma, someone who doesn't live in the house, be prioritised over OPs own family who do?

Gemma's parents need to make some changes to accommodate Gemma and ensure that she isn't left out, but I'm guessing it's less convenient getting everyone round to their house instead of OPs

Don't think I am being weird. I am merely stating that gemmas parents entitlement will spiral out of control. If they have a cheek to demand someone gets rid of their pet to accommodate their child, what's next ?

Look, all you dog owners can calm down. The OP's dogs are going nowhere.

This thread isn't about what she should do - she just wants validation that she's not being unreasonable in not rehoming her dogs. Clearly, with the weight of outrage on here in response, she's had that.

Most posters have gone further, and stated with no proof at all, that the brother is only interested in free childcare, so that the OP can see him as just a grabby entitled chancer.

(Incidentally, the same posters glibly throw in that the brother can just step in and host the extended family, conveniently ignoring that the OP explicitly states she is in a more fortunate position in being able to do that (space? time? money?). They also insist airily the child who has a potentially life threatening allergy should just try some anti-histamines ).

It's not that the OP is being unreasonable, it's an unfortunate turn of events that is going to lead to part of the family being excluded from a previously life-enhancing routine. I think everyone involved needs to acknowledge that something has changed and at least one family is left feeling less valued.

I hope you can devise some way of making your brother's family feel that they are still important to you, OP.

DN isn't your responsibility. I get that she is a loved family member, but it is for your DB and SIL to manage.

If I was asked to choose between my very loved dogs and my DN then I would choose MY dogs.

I'm sure you could maybe treat her to an occasional cinema trip and try bbq's in your garden during summer, but ultimately and in the nicest possible way, her allergies aren't your problem.