for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

[dogsdander]

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

This is true. Humans have bred dogs to crave human company. They’ll bond to any human who treats them well.

This isn’t about what the family means to the dog. But what the family like about having the dog. Which is apparently more to them than their niece.

One of my daughters is extremely allergic to dogs amongst other things, with potential anaphylaxis if dog dander gets into her bloodstream, however when she was a child I saw it as our problem
to deal with no one else’s. Don’t rehome
your dogs! As others have said, if you can provide a dog free space in your house then that’s great, if it’s not possible it’s just unfortunate but no way should you have to go without a family pet because of this allergy. Totally different circumstance if she lived in your household but she does not.

Doesn’t this brother have a dog free house of his own where he can entertain his own child? Thought so.

I refuse to believe that this girl’s allergy is that severe, it’s incredibly rare for pet allergies to be life threatening, and if it was they would have known that before now. It’s not possible that she’s never ever encountered a dog in the last 8 years.

The brother has a bloody cheek thinking that the OP should make her house a dog free zone because of his child who doesn’t live there but who he happily puts upon for childcare.

If the niece is unhappy about not being able to go round, then perhaps the brother would like to invite all the kids round to his. Job done.

What's more important. A couple of mutts, or your niece (and her parents)? Dogs are not more important than people. YOU are damaging your relationship with them, and Gemma's relationship with her cousins. Poor kid.
Dogs can easily be rehomed. Kids matter more. Put her, and your kid, who surely would prefer a lifelong relationship with his cousin with plenty of childhood memories, to a life with two stinky dogs who will die within a few years.

Can you install a baby gate and keep the dogs out of the living room? Or upstairs?
Also if the dogs are allowed on your sofas keep covers on them and remove them when your niece comes over.
You seem like a lovely person of offer all this free child are but you should not have to give up your pet, they are part of your family.

This isn’t about what the family means to the dog. But what the family like about having the dog. Which is apparently more to them than their niece.

They can easily see niece outside of the house and do things with her and still keep the dog. The dog is a part of their family now too.

Very entitled of your brother to ask this. I would just make an effort as a family to meet up elsewhere sometimes.

But you talking about the dog being ‘constantly’ rehomed isn’t twisting a narrative?!

Dogs can live many years actually and are also a part of peoples families too.

Can’t even believe they asked you to get rid of the dog, no! It’s not Gemma’s home, it’s yours. The dogs are part of the family….They need to find alternative childcare and gemma sees her cousins elsewhere. Gemma can’t just have a paddy and make everyone she knows get rid of their dog just so she can go to their house. It’s sad she has an allergy but her parents are going to have to learn to deal with this as it’s something she’s going to have to manage her whole life.

Could you have all the kids at Gemma’s house for the day whilst her parents work? (Very good of you to be the main childcare for the family btw)

You must be joking, she’s not going to have happy healthy relationships with these family members. Why? Because her parents don’t want to host her cousins and facilitate their daughter’s family relationships. They can only be bothered with their child’s cousins when someone else is doing the work. They have decided it would be better for their child to teach her that her aunt and cousins all want to exclude her because of her allergy so they are horrible people, and it’s absolutely not just because they have a responsibility and an attachment to their dogs.

I am severely allergic to dogs. I can tolerate passing by them, and being in a room where one may have been passing through, but a house where they stay, and still are, in my presence, presents me with allergies pretty much as the OP described her niece as having. My eldest IS SO allergic that being in a confined space where a dog has spent a few hours gets his nose running and his eyes streaming and itchy, and if he gets their fur on him (e.g. sits with bare skin where a dog has sat), he gets rashy and skin bumps. But you refuse to believe what you like. My youngest is also allergic, but not as extreme as the eldest.

Well said 👏 @TiddleyWink

But they aren't as important as people, especially children.

I'm really shocked by the responses.

Of course I would prioritise my niece over pets.

Wow. Who knew that this child could only have a relationship with her cousins if she goes round to the OP’s house and the OP’s house only. Remarkable.

Presumably it’s far more of a shame that none of the other adults here can be bothered enough with these children to make opportunities for them to spend time together anywhere else but the OP’s house.

As has been said over and over, this is about a child knowingly being excluded from a family thing. It’s a thing in that extended family that the kids of the extended family hang out in OPs house. It’s the fact that tradition has been established that is the problem. Because there is no way to reframe that away from the niece is now excluded from that.

There was is no decent way out of this without OP either getting rid of her dogs or ending hosting all the other kids. The latter would be fair.

I got my dog when my sister was pregnant.
They basically told me my niece would never be able to sleep over if I got a dog.
I politely said I wasn't going to let them make a decision for me that I could never have a dog.

Ofcourse they can easily be rehomed!
it’s not like animal shelters are bursting at the seams! It’s not like animals are being put down every day as there are not enough homes

or how about they meet up at the NEICE’S house.
op IS putting her family first, her family has her dogs and child in it.

This ⬆️

What a perishing cheek! Gemma will have to meet the other children at another house or play outside in the warmer weather. Perhaps there is some sort of play area nearby where Gemma could participate? I wonder how your brother would have reacted if you had suggested "getting rid" of Gemma because she is allergic to the dogs? Just as unreasonable. He can't dictate to you like that. He should be ashamed of suggesting it. You've tried to accommodate Gemma, but she has health issues that were not previously known. Dogs are part of the family.

And thats part of the huge problem with this world - humans think they ate the most important species and don't give a shit about anything else. Don't like dogs, don't have them but don't say poor Gemma. Gemma is not poor - kids without parents, homes and money are 'poor".

I’m really shocked at some of the responses.
Such a shame that the brother cares more about his free childcare than actually looking after his own children, and now that the free childcare is at risk he’s decided to throw his toys out of the pram.

If he gave a shit about his child then he would arrange for the kids to spend time at his house. But apparently not.

OP has said that Gemma comes over a couple of times per week. She's not being 'ripped away' from her family! If OP's own DS was severely allergic or was offering paid childminding then the conversation might be different, but OP is providing free childcare (a ton of it from the sound of things) for her nieces and nephews out of the goodness of her heart.

OP you've made lots of effort to mitigate this problem. I would make it clear that you're not getting rid of your dogs and talk to your brother about other solutions so Gemma can be made to feel more included.

It’s the fact that tradition has been established that is the problem. Because there is no way to reframe that away from the niece is now excluded from that.

Other than… changing the tradition in light of new circumstances, huh?

Tradition in my extended family was that the cousins all hung out at my parents’ house, their grandparents. Now there’s been a bereavement and a radical change of circumstance and that house isn’t available. We still make the effort. Just … in a different place.

Radical.

@KenzosFlower sFlower obviously does not like dogs. It's insulting to OP to refer to her dogs as "two stinky dogs" and "a couple of mutts". You can't guarantee that OP's son and Gemma will have a lifelong relationship; OP's son might well resent Gemma if his family's dogs are disposed of in favour of an occasional visitor.

Agree with you @HellinGreece