To have lost a bit of respect for my DPs lack of career.

[Hicjkk]

We're in our 40s now and although I don't have an amazing career myself, I have been a sahp and done the lions share of child rearing and running the household whilst do has been working ft. I currently work PT to fit around the kids have only started working 5 years ago in which time I have changed several jobs each with a bit more pay.

DH has been working for over 25 years and is still earning pretty low £28k. He's rejected any chance of promotion citing he doesn't want to manage anyone. It's been 2 people at most! He's had opportunity to gain qualifications paid for by employer which would enable him to apply for better jobs. He doesn't apply for any higher grade jobs, just moves sideways.

I know I shouldn't compare but I see my friends and family who are similar in age and their DPs have flourished in their careers. They didn't all start in good careers btw. One was a supermarket worker who now is regional manager. As a result they all have better quality of lives, better homes, don't have money worries like we have always had. Some of their wives have even had the luxury to leave their jobs.

I know it all sounds a bit 1950s and all that but we agreed that he would work as his job has better earning potential and I would do the main childrearing.

I won’t like a man without an ambition or one that has no wish to better himself. However, not every one likes managing people, I definitely hate it but I’ve moved upwards in my career to more technical things rather than people management so there’s scope for your DH to improve himself but he sounds like one who isn’t into doing that.
I however think the main issue with this thread is that you appear to be guilty of the same thing you’re accusing him of. Lots of women go back to work full time when they have children, study, improve themselves, get a career so you’re capable of doing these things as well. At your children’s age, surely the wrap around care and holiday care is so much cheaper than nursery and over time, will be more affordable for you as a couple as well. Work full time, take training opportunities that present itself, earn more money to get extras and treats for yourself and your family, there’s nothing wrong in that really.

There's been nothing about high flying, you're talking nonsense. He hasn't even taken free qualifications from his employer, are you actually suggesting that's sensible?

Oh come on, there is a massive range between being a high flyer and declining to progress at all. I think if the employer is offering to fund qualifications for him then it’s highly unlikely he’s intellectually incapable.

Exactly too. I'm not sure how most aren't getting this. She must do everything, what the fuck is he providing then?

I think you are extremely unreasonable...

Your husband supported you financially so you could be a stay at home mum. It does not sound like you and your kids were short of anything so frankly you should appreciate having had the luxury to focus on your kids because of him.

It sounds to me that you only would like more money so you can keep up with your friends...which is pretty shallow.

You have a part-time job so you are perfectly able to advance in your own career if you want more money to play with.

Your husband is happy where he is and does not want to take on more stress and responsibility.

I think being content and happy in life is more important than material signs of success so I think your husband is wise to know his limits and what suits him work-wise.

Presumably OP wanted to be a SAHM also? Once the children were all at school.... she could of studied and by now she would have this wonderful job she thinks her DH should have.

Again you know if someone is ambicous before you start having kids together perhaps OP should not have continued to have children to someone who could not meet her personal requirements.

Women are independent and we certainly should not be solely relying upon a man's salary weather that be your husband or not. It's nice to be taken care of yes but women should have their own career goals. Your posts is giving 70s vibes 🙄😳

what the fuck is he providing then?

It sounds like he single-handedly paid for everything whilst the OP was a SAHM.

I think your unreasonable 28k is not really low tbh especially if he holds no degree. I think it's good going.

To me what stands out is that he’s clearly chosen to have a low stress job - and yet you’ve still worked part time and done all the domestic chores.

he’s sure chose the sweet spot

And now while she works pt, does child care and all housework? Still think he's a hero?

It's funny how so many people are particularly eager to prioritise happiness where happiness is so easily and coincidentally translated to "least effort and stress".

What if the op couldn't be arsed to put any effort into raising the children when they were toddlers, just dumped them in front of the TV with a fruit shoot? What if it made her so happy to do the very least she could get away with? Would he have a legitimate axe to grind that they made an agreement that she kept only in letter and not in spirit of the agreement?

Not only that, but that apparently happiness can somehow pay the bills. When did this happen and why hasn't it happened to me? 😂I'd LOVE to do very little or be a horse groom for a living, but I have these things called bills and the government keeps helping (or not helping really) to raise them higher and higher. Therefore, I do a job that I may not love, but that pays well and I crack on with it. That's what grown ups do.

Paddle your own canoue OP. If you want that, you go and get it. Manage your own career.

I don't think the op expected to get the responses that she has received so far.... She probably was expecting the comments to be in favour of her own lack of progression.

I'd be annoyed too OP. I couldn't be with someone like that. My friend gets frustrated with her husband as he's been in the same low paid job since 16, and is too frightened to apply for anything else (he's now 40). He doesn't want to do anything in life and even cried when she wanted to get a new kitchen.

If that's aimed at me, I never said happiness paid the bills. What I DID say was "A partner who is happy in their career is a HUGE plus in my world. Much more important than promotions, qualifications and added responsibilties, anyway."

Of course if the bills aren't being paid, that's different, but I'd much rather earn less money and be happy than take on loads of added responsibility just so (for example) we can have more expensive holidays.

And yes, as you say, grown ups take jobs that pay well and crack on with it. So maybe that's what OP should do instead of staying home part-time and leaving her husband to take on the majority of the financial responsibility.

So op should take on all financial responsibility, childcare and house work? What is the point of her partner then? He isn't helping while she's pt, he isn't going to bother when she's ft.

Didn’t read all responses.
If your agreement was for you to stay at home so he can pursue his career (while you look after anything else) then yes, you are right to be disappointed. Otherwise, if no such agreement, In think you’re even.

Well, if he's useless, he'll be useless regardless so she may as well build up her career, get some financial independence and go it alone.

I just think if you want more money and more material items (she hasn't said they're struggling to pay the bills, which would be different), then you need to go out and work for it yourself, not depend on someone else to do it for you.

Ok I have to ask as this is the third time I've had to quote something to you, did you even read the full post the op gave?

As a result they all have better quality of lives, better homes, don't have money worries like we have always had.

They DO have money worries! Why should everything be on her?! Is he useless or exempt because he has a penis?

I’m literally in your position OP! I think about it often, look enviously at other couples who have much more money than we do. I feel frustrated as well and disappointed but then I remind myself:

• he has fully supported me to remain part time
• he prioritises him being happy and us as a family being happy over more money
• he doesn’t have lots of stress, extra work etc so we get a lot of time as a family
• he is fairly careful with money. I know another couple who have loads more money than us but spend so much!
• finally, I knew this about him when I chose to have children with him!

Of course I've read the post, I just have a different interpretation to you.

I mean - what does money worries mean? OP hasn't been back and clarified her post, so it could mean anything from "we can't afford to feed the children" to "we're struggling to afford riding lessons".

I also haven't said everything should be on her, but as she's the only one who's working part-time, the obvious solution is for her to go full-time before she starts complaining about her DH's earning potential.

Right.. so your interpretation of money worries is that it's not that bad basically and she shouldn't be annoyed at her partner for not pulling his weight.

There's no point with replying to you clearly. You're on his side, she could come back and say they struggle to pay bills, he does no housework ever, doesn't take care of the kids ever and is generally lazy and you'd still think that's all fine. God knows why, I guess your bar for men is rock bottom. That's your choice I guess, but op doesn't sound happy and I think rightly so. Her partner isn't the first nor will be the last to be lazy and do nothing but you won't accept that. It's all her fault.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4631273-womans-work-load

There's another thread for you to go and tell the pt working mum that she should stop complaining. 😁

I don't think we know that OP didn't do just this, do we?

And actually if a man posted that his SAHP wife did this, he absolutely would get a whole host of replies telling him that looking after toddlers was hard work, and he should perhaps do a lot more housework/childcare to support his wife, rather than complaining about it.

No. I'm saying if they have money worries, she should work full-time hours before complaining about his lack of worth ethic/enthusiasm. Very easy to criticise when you're not the one carrying the financial load 🙄

There's also no way I'd expect my husband to take on even more responsibility at work when I was only working part-time myself - that would be the height of cheekiness IMO.

I just don't think you get to complain about someone else's work ethic when you don't work full-time yourself, and haven't done for a considerable period of time.

The fact that he does no childcare or housework is a separate issue and if he's genuinely that useless then why is she even with him to begin with?

Anyway, we're not going to agree so there's no point debating it any further.