To have lost a bit of respect for my DPs lack of career.

[Hicjkk]

We're in our 40s now and although I don't have an amazing career myself, I have been a sahp and done the lions share of child rearing and running the household whilst do has been working ft. I currently work PT to fit around the kids have only started working 5 years ago in which time I have changed several jobs each with a bit more pay.

DH has been working for over 25 years and is still earning pretty low £28k. He's rejected any chance of promotion citing he doesn't want to manage anyone. It's been 2 people at most! He's had opportunity to gain qualifications paid for by employer which would enable him to apply for better jobs. He doesn't apply for any higher grade jobs, just moves sideways.

I know I shouldn't compare but I see my friends and family who are similar in age and their DPs have flourished in their careers. They didn't all start in good careers btw. One was a supermarket worker who now is regional manager. As a result they all have better quality of lives, better homes, don't have money worries like we have always had. Some of their wives have even had the luxury to leave their jobs.

I know it all sounds a bit 1950s and all that but we agreed that he would work as his job has better earning potential and I would do the main childrearing.

We managed it with no problems, and not were entitled to benefits either, other than child benefit. We even continued to overpay on the mortgage.

In fairness to him it can be very stressful managing people, even a small number, and it requires a certain type of person with certain people skills to do well, so I don't blame him for not wanting to.

Turning down opportunities to gain paid for qualifications, well, it depends on why they were offered and what the expectations of him would be upon completion. I'd also take into account how content he is in his role. There's a lot to be said for staying put when everything is good (apart from the money in your case) and leaving something you love just to earn a bit more.

Er am I the only one who read the full op? Who else missed the part where she said 'they both agreed that he'd be the main earner as he had the better earning potential and she does the child rearing'?

So he AGREED to work on his job and get better pay and she'd do the child care so that they'd both help their family. Only he then decided 'nah don't fancy it I'll just sit in the easy job and go nowhere'. So he's not fulfilled his job at all. He just didn't want to do child rearing and left it all to her. I'm going to guess based on op saying that she did all child rearing and most house work while working ft before too that he probably came home from his ever so busy day, put his feet up and did fuck all.

I'd tell him he's going part time from now on, actually doing something for once and I'll go back to full time and bring in the money. He's been a lazy prick, not fulfilled his side and been a shit father/husband. He is no partner, he's just an extra person to feed.

I wouldn't have married him of built a future with him tbh .
I have always been ambitious and would want the same in a partner .
I have finished with someone who had no ambition because I knew it wasn't what I wanted .

Er am I the only one who read the full op? Who else missed the part where she said 'they both agreed that he'd be the main earner as he had the better earning potential and she does the child rearing'?

And he was the main earner and she did do the child-rearing. OP never said that they agreed he'd work on his career and go after continuous promotions either?

Unless they sat down and said "You need to be earning 50k by the time you're 30" he fulfilled his part of the deal. Not everyones wants promotions and to go into management and they shouldn't be forced to, either.

OP could have paid for childcare and gone out to work full-time if she wasn't happy.

he's just an extra person to feed

Hardly! He was the sole wage-earner enabling the OP to be a SAHM!

My DH isn't career driven at, probably earns less than that but he's not materialistic at all and not financially motivated. That's okay. I knew that when I met him. He prefers to work to live rather than live to work and I share that philosophy. He works for himself, it's flexible, he has time for sports and his interests, he can look after the DC at the drop of a hat - sure we can't go on fancy holidays but we're not poor and I'd prefer that to a stupidly stressed out husband who I never see due to working such long hours. We're a long time dead.

I'm sorry but you can't choose to be a SAHP and then complain about your DH not being a high flier.

"Doing the childrearing" doesnt need to involve one person stopping work for years on end.

If you wanted a better life, you could have chosen to work. Two earners is better than one 99% of the time.

I'd tell him he's going part time from now on, actually doing something for once and I'll go back to full time and bring in the money

She can do that without him going part time!!

But they agreed that he would improve his earning potential. He hasn't done that at all. He hasn't gotten qualifications, he's done nothing except move sideways. You don't need to go into management to get better pay in most jobs.

How else is he supposed to improve his earning potential? Just hope he gets a pay rise? It's funny how he agreed that he had better earning potential and then sat in the same job for years.

Not everybody wants a "career" - they aren't always what they are cracked up to be. He has made it clear that he prefers, and is happiest, with few responsibilities. That is fair enough. If you think careers are that important, get one of your own.

But they agreed that he would improve his earning potential.

I’m not sure that’s exactly what the OP said. She said he had a better earning potential-that could just mean that prior to having children he earned more than her.

@Hicjkk When you had children, did your DH say he would be going for promotions and that he wanted to manage people?

But they agreed that he would improve his earning potential. He hasn't done that at all. He hasn't gotten qualifications, he's done nothing except move sideways. You don't need to go into management to get better pay in most jobs.

But (a) did he actually agree or just go along with what he was told to think and (b) perhaps he did mean it but later realised that this wasn't for him. Judging by the OP he has been very upfront about what he doesn't want to do and why - it isn't a secret and he hasn't lied about how he feels.

Earning potential is nothing if it doesn't turn into actually earning more.

It would have been obvious a long time ago that this potential wasn't going to materialise, and you chose to continue to stay at home, rather than revisit the agreement and switch. Be honest with yourself - you could have done something to change your situation, but you didn't want to have a high-flying career yourself.

Yes, it sounds like he doesn't have much ambition, but you don't either. You can't force him to do something you're not happy to do yourself.

Unless one of you has a radical personality change, you're going to need to work at being happier with your own lot, and stop comparing yourselves to other people. Different lifestyle choices aren't wrong.

Your DH has a much less stressful life to many people in senior roles. He'll probably live longer as a result. Money cannot buy everything.

It's more important to be happy in a job, than have a job that pays more but you hate going in every day...also, there might be time constraints that mean DP would be less available because of work commitments. If it worries you that much (for income for the family) boost your own career. If you have enough to live comfortably and you are happy, ambition for ambition's sake is pointless.

I know it all sounds a bit 1950s and all that but we agreed that he would work as his job has better earning potential and I would do the main childrearing.

I'm going by what she has said, that they both agreed to it. If he then realised that he didn't want to, then fine he doesn't have to, but they should have swapped roles at that point so that she could do the promotions etc and get more money in.

We also don't know how upfront he has been to op. He has rejected job promotions and any qualifications offered to him. I get rejecting a promotion but a qualification? That's just stupid. That's someone who doesn't give a fuck. Again fair enough, but when you had agreed you would improve your career for your family, that's incredibly stupid.

Judging by men being complained about on this site, I'm going to guess he's another one that wanted kids, but didn't want to do the work involved.

So the op does the hard work when the children are at their youngest and the labour around raising them is most intense, while he continues to do the same job he ever did and no more and now that the children are more independent, she must grab herself a career and forge ahead in life while he continues to do the same job he ever did and no more?

And yes, practically, this is her only option now but of course she is fucked off that he just expended the bare minimum in life and spunked the opportunities that life threw at him up the wall.

Money can't buy everything but security and options are right up there in the quality of life mix.

But you don't know that he hasn't improved his earning potential - all we know is that he now earns 28k. He could have started out on minimum wage, in which case he's increased his earnings quite a bit?

Lots of careers "top out" at quite a low salary unless you're willing to do further qualifications or take on a considerable amount of extra responsibility and not everyone wants to do that.

OP knew he was a low earner and still chose to marry him, have his children and give up her career. She needs to take some responsibility here - it shouldn't all fall to him.

It's right there in the op. He has refused to takes on additional responsibilities, further qualifications and new job opportunities.

It's right there in the op. He has refused to takes on additional responsibilities, further qualifications and new job opportunities.

It also seems, on the face of it, that OP has only had paid employment for 5 out of 40 odd years of life. This is ... unusual, and I asked for clarification but she appears to lack the ambition even to return to her own thread.

DH has been working for over 25 years and is still earning pretty low £28k.

I'm assuming this means his wage has barely changed in 25 years. Maybe some small increases from pay rises/nmw rising, but overall he's done nothing else to increase it. She says that in the post.

She also says that his job has better earning potential than hers and he's been offered plenty of opportunity to do that, and that he agreed to this. He hasn't fulfilled that.

No. She says she has worked five years while the children have been around and that in that time she has made more moves to progress than he has over their entire lives.

And? Why should he have to do those things if he doesn't want to?

I know on MN everyone should be earning six figures, but in my world, 28k is a perfectly good salary - especially if it doesn't involve huge amounts of responsibility or any further qualifications.

OP was happy with his earnings when they enabled her to stay home and raise their children (a luxury lots of people don't have) but now seems to think she should be able to give up work completely (like her friends have done) while he carries on building his career.

A partner who is happy in their career is a HUGE plus in my world. Much more important than promotions, qualifications and added responsibilties, anyway.

I'm not surprised she's not bothered coming back when most people haven't read the full post and just made their own assumptions.

I'm surprised too, because usually mumsnet members are good at spotting when a guy is being a lazy git and this guy has every sign of being lazy, but no one spotted it. Very off today mumsnet.

A partner who is happy in their career is a HUGE plus in my world. Much more important than promotions, qualifications and added responsibilties, anyway.

Aye, it's all fun and games until there's a cost of living crisis.