To have lost a bit of respect for my DPs lack of career.

[Hicjkk]

We're in our 40s now and although I don't have an amazing career myself, I have been a sahp and done the lions share of child rearing and running the household whilst do has been working ft. I currently work PT to fit around the kids have only started working 5 years ago in which time I have changed several jobs each with a bit more pay.

DH has been working for over 25 years and is still earning pretty low £28k. He's rejected any chance of promotion citing he doesn't want to manage anyone. It's been 2 people at most! He's had opportunity to gain qualifications paid for by employer which would enable him to apply for better jobs. He doesn't apply for any higher grade jobs, just moves sideways.

I know I shouldn't compare but I see my friends and family who are similar in age and their DPs have flourished in their careers. They didn't all start in good careers btw. One was a supermarket worker who now is regional manager. As a result they all have better quality of lives, better homes, don't have money worries like we have always had. Some of their wives have even had the luxury to leave their jobs.

I know it all sounds a bit 1950s and all that but we agreed that he would work as his job has better earning potential and I would do the main childrearing.

I agree with pp who said it is now time for you to do all of that yourself. He's had the opportunity and decided against doing anything with it. Now you get to start a career and he can take a back seat and do the lion's share of home and family chores.

How the hell did you afford to have a SAHP on 28k a year?

The hypocrisy and sexism strong with this one eh?

"Now that a career is no guarantee of earning enough for a house and annual trip abroad, more people are not bothering."

Really? I'm interested. Can you link to your sources. It seems counter-intuitive to me, to give up because it's too difficult.

@SilverDragonfly1 hmm yeah...maybe that's just the people you know, very different from my circle. Careers aren't about personality but how you spend your time, for many people careers are about doing something you enjoy, the purpose it gives alongside other aspects of your life, no career orientated person I know is in it solely for the money.

I think YABU because you can't expect someone to do something you're not prepared to do yourself.

Being a SAHP and now working p/t don't show any particular career ambition on your part. If you'd wanted to, you could have moved up the career ladder yourself, even while working part time. Why didn't you?

It wouldn't work for me.

Well it would frustrate me but I earn about double that myself. My husband had done very well but I help him with his career (as he does me) by coaching him, mock interviews, talking through work related problems etc. It's about teamwork.

We managed on much less than that. Depends where you live.

This!

I presume it was when Tax Credits allowed this, rather than under Universal Credit, which asks parents to both get jobs when their youngest child is 3 or 4 (although only 16h with a DC under 5, 25h with a DC under 13, and full time after that).

To a point I agree with you Op.

i was with an ex and I moved to his hometown and within a week I had a permanent job whereas he was still doing agency work because he ‘couldn’t find one’ it certainly caused a lot of tensions and the relationship broke down because of his agency work we couldn’t plan anything eg renting a place was hard.

if you’ve gone back to work after raising kids (still work!) And allowed DP to work unhindered but he didn’t take advantage of this and you have the drive to increase your wage (PT or FT it doesn’t matter) and are doing so and he’s still coasting then yes I’d feel frustrated at the lack of ambition.

But that’s down to lack of communication. have you had a frank discussion about where you want to be as a family? What goals you’d like to work towards?

eg do you want to move house? Have a naice family holiday each year? Do some renovations? Have the extra money for a day out every week to museums etc?

how would this work out? Have you discussed you going FT and him helping pick up the slack with regards to child care and house chores if he remains in his job?

what worked 5/10 years ago obviously isn’t working now so the right step would be to talk about it.

if he’s happy where he is and you’re not and this will lead to resentment and unhappiness then that’s a different conversation to be had. People do grow apart. Not every break up is horrific. But I don’t think you’re here yet.

talk!

I think a lot depends on whether he would be willing to pick up more of the slack around DC and house in order to allow you to make more progress in work, or if he thinks he's entitled to cruise and have all the accommodations made for him at home too.

You don't get to drop out of work for years, go back part-time then complain that your partner (who has always worked full-time) lacks ambition

This, really. I mean....he clearly does lack career ambition but then so do you. That's not necessarily a bad thing if you're happy but you clearly aren't. But ultimately he supported you to leave the workplace and stay at home.

If you're unhappy with your lifestyle and want more household income (I don't blame you, I would at that amount of family earnings) then now is the time to step up your own career. It's unreasonable to place expectations on your partner that you wouldn't place on yourself.

I think if you're comfortable enough with your bills etc and he's happy in his line of work then I'd be glad of that? I think I'd prefer that than dh coming home stressed and miserable daily with a hefty wage. Plus I'm motivated in work so I don't really need him to be. Do you want to work more? Could he take on childcare responsibilities work pt and you focus more on your career? It sounds like you want more from him and are comparing yourselves to other people which is pointless because there will always be someone with more than what you have and it just breeds discontent. Your friends might have a lovely house and regular holidays but never get time together, be stressed and argue all the time. Grass is always greener as the saying goes .

I don’t understand how you can have a lack of respect for him when clearly your career is much less successful than his.

Personally I would rather my DP was happy in his job and earning a bit less than him coming home stressed every night, hating his job but earning more.

Not everybody is happy with a high stress job. Having managed people before, it's not for everyone, I hated it. I now work alone in my own business. I could earn more if I took people on again but I hated the extra work and stress so now I choose to earn a bit less by working alone.

Why not discuss putting the kids in childcare and you go back FT? If you also earned £28k then that would be a joint income of £56k.

I don't really think it's fair to expect him to be career driven when you aren't yourself. What did you do prior to having the kids?

I had a lovely job. It really took off and we had to employ more people. It made sense I manage them. They were all a nightmare. My lovely job became a mental anguish. I stuck it six years too long, ended up really sick, the happiest day came when I handed in my notice. Not all of us are born leaders.

It does sound 1950s OP.

I can understand it’s a bit of a disappointment, but people are who they are. You must have known this a long time ago, but you haven’t changed your own behaviour to improve your lot.

It sounds like you are both fairly unambiguous, but while he is satisfied with a modest lifestyle, you are not. So that means you need to boost up your career to earn more, and pass the childcare and house keeping over to him.

Have a think about how you can do that and hatch a plan with him. He will need to step up at home.

UNAMBITIOUS not unambiguous 🤦‍♀️

He did support her? She was a STHM and he earned for the family?

Has this been a recent thing or only lately become an issue, I mean surely when you married you knew he wasnt exactly a high flier? Very few women these days are able to stay at home .28k plus a second wage would bring in around 50k ish .So maybe need to look for a good job as well!

TBF the OP says she has been on an upward pay trajectory since returning to work, which actually isn't bad at all when she had what sounds like years out and still works part time around their DC. She's shown more willing and made more progress than DP.

I do agree it makes sense not to put all the earning expectations in one basket when both of them are in work, but that also means a rebalance of domestic duties too.

After two years of this say, why didn't you switch roles?

What do you earn now, @Hicjkk ?

I get it, but only because I earn double my husband's salary. So I'm not a sahm or a part-time worker wishing my husband would earn more money when I'm not prepared to.
I've had periods of moving job every other year to ensure I progress, have done professional qualifications, have attended courses, have taken an overseas secondment and so on - and I'm not even that ambitious or career minded.
My husband in the same time has done....nothing. No job moves, no promotions or pay rises. He's not even gone for an interview in 15 years so he's totally out of practise on that front.
I have finally put my foot down and insisted that he start to retrain at something to give him better prospects. He's 40 and his inertia can't continue. I'm worried about him getting to 50 with no professional qualifications, no interview practise, and very poor options available to him if he ever gets made redundant.
So yes, I get it, but like I say, that's coming from a position of me being the bread winner.