To have lost a bit of respect for my DPs lack of career.

[Hicjkk]

We're in our 40s now and although I don't have an amazing career myself, I have been a sahp and done the lions share of child rearing and running the household whilst do has been working ft. I currently work PT to fit around the kids have only started working 5 years ago in which time I have changed several jobs each with a bit more pay.

DH has been working for over 25 years and is still earning pretty low £28k. He's rejected any chance of promotion citing he doesn't want to manage anyone. It's been 2 people at most! He's had opportunity to gain qualifications paid for by employer which would enable him to apply for better jobs. He doesn't apply for any higher grade jobs, just moves sideways.

I know I shouldn't compare but I see my friends and family who are similar in age and their DPs have flourished in their careers. They didn't all start in good careers btw. One was a supermarket worker who now is regional manager. As a result they all have better quality of lives, better homes, don't have money worries like we have always had. Some of their wives have even had the luxury to leave their jobs.

I know it all sounds a bit 1950s and all that but we agreed that he would work as his job has better earning potential and I would do the main childrearing.

What? This is the bare arsed minimum of parenting, isn't it? It's the, "I have flu and can't look after the kids" option that otherwise would be tantamount to neglect. Anyone who became a sahm to do this regularly in the absence of illness so that they could be happy and stress free would be handed their arse.

Very easy to criticise when you're not the one carrying the financial load

🙄 He does the least he can do for 40hrs a week. It's hardly arduous.

He can't be doing that badly if he supported the entire household on his own for several years 🙄

He can't be doing that badly if he supported the entire household on his own for several years 🙄

Exactly!

Yep 40 hours a week max no doubt less and they still struggle for money yet he doesn't care. But on here that is praise worthy, bow down to the brilliant partner. 😂

But he's so happy, right? That's the gold standard.

Oh yes grand that he is happy. His partner is worried about bills and house work and childcare, but as long as he can sit at the end of the day and be happy, all is well.

I’d find a man with no drive or ambition really unattractive, so I totally get how you feel.

Ah. But she can work all week long, and the kids can be in wraparound care all week long and he can continue to do the least he can do, being happy, all week long.

Can't believe you are annoyed that your husband won't earn more money to fund a lifestyle you want!
Earn your own money!
He kept you financially afloat so you could be a sahp and work part time.
Time for you to pull your own financial weight and bring in some cash !

Some of their wives have even had the luxury to leave their jobs.

It sounds like you’re pissed off that he doesn’t earn enough for you to not work at all!

If you want higher wages and promotions then you really ought to work full time and get your DH to work part time. Criticising his work ethic from the comfort of your sofa is pretty rude and no wonder he doesn't like it.

It's probably annoying that the op stayed at home to do all the child care stuff where 10 years later, she most likely feels that if she had known that her DH was going to be at the same salary/position maybe she should have gone after her career and advanced in it instead of leaving her unambitious husband to do that. 28 k was my starting salary in my second job after gaining 2 years experience exactly 10 years ago. There's no way I would work for that with 12 years of experience on the table with countless courses and training.

My DP is the same: tem years ago, his wage seemed decent. He's changed jobs several times in that period but always side stepped

I now out earn him 2-3 times but his lack of ambition isn't starting to annoy me

I heard him telling his manager he doesn't want a promotion as it's not worth it. All the managers and seniors are younger than him

I cant help but wonder how easier life would be if he could climb the ladder

I didnt forsee this being an issue when we met

There's nothing to say he actually did that. All we know is that there was a period when he worked and OP didn't. Based on the information given, it's possible that top up benefits formed a substantial part of their income and that they wouldn't have been able to live on his wages.

Sofa? 😁

Fucking hell, is that what you do when you are looking after your kids? Just plonk your arse down on the sofa and wait for time to pass?

I haven't read the full thread but the OP's post does point out that they had an arrangement that she would do the childrearing and he'd work as his job had more earning potential. She's held up her side, and is now also working. She's allowed to be disappointed that her lifestyle (and probably the children's) doesn't match that of her peers. It's fine for him to not be driven, but it is impacting on her and wasn't what they agreed. Probably the only solution is for her to up her own earnings (you can't change someone else) but I have sympathy.

So you agreed you would be SAHP and he would work full time as his earning potential was higher - but he didn't want to reach that potential. Did he only realise this as time went on? At which point you should have reassessed or you would have known then that potential was never going to be realised.

Anyway now you know. It's not too late. You have 25 years of working life left or thereabouts so you go on and show him how it's done

Some of their wives have even had the luxury to leave their jobs

Sounds suspiciously like you are just pissy you’ve had to go back to work OP.

You were apparently perfectly happy being a SAHP for 25 years, but now you are having to work PT you don’t like it and wish your DH earned enough for you to stop working again.

No. She doesn't say she's been a sahm for 25 years.

20 years then. She’s worked 5 years, he’s worked 25. These children must almost be adults by now.

No. She says he has worked for 25 years. She doesn't say how old he is or when the kids came along in that time.

It would help if she came back.

It would help if she came back

We can both agree on that!

@Changechangychange

You're making strange assumptions

They're in their 40s
DP has been working 25 years

We dont know how long they have been together or the age of any kids

My DH isn't keen to advance either but he's on £40k. Consequently ive just decided to advance mine. You have that choice. He can do what you've been doing.