To have lost a bit of respect for my DPs lack of career.

[Hicjkk]

We're in our 40s now and although I don't have an amazing career myself, I have been a sahp and done the lions share of child rearing and running the household whilst do has been working ft. I currently work PT to fit around the kids have only started working 5 years ago in which time I have changed several jobs each with a bit more pay.

DH has been working for over 25 years and is still earning pretty low £28k. He's rejected any chance of promotion citing he doesn't want to manage anyone. It's been 2 people at most! He's had opportunity to gain qualifications paid for by employer which would enable him to apply for better jobs. He doesn't apply for any higher grade jobs, just moves sideways.

I know I shouldn't compare but I see my friends and family who are similar in age and their DPs have flourished in their careers. They didn't all start in good careers btw. One was a supermarket worker who now is regional manager. As a result they all have better quality of lives, better homes, don't have money worries like we have always had. Some of their wives have even had the luxury to leave their jobs.

I know it all sounds a bit 1950s and all that but we agreed that he would work as his job has better earning potential and I would do the main childrearing.

No. She says she has worked five years while the children have been around and that in that time she has made more moves to progress than he has over their entire lives.

I currently work PT to fit around the kids have only started working 5 years ago in which time I have changed several jobs each with a bit more pay.

Where did she say how old the kids were, what she did before they were around or how long she worked before they arrived?

All she's said is that she "only" started working five years ago and it's PT to fit around the kids. I assume she HAS worked at something, because she said his job has better earning potential.

If she'd come back and clarify, of course, all would be clear.

Then the priority should be for her to go full-time and increase her earnings, not to stay part-time while he works on his "lack of career".

I think you're being a bit cheeky. You've had the luxury and enjoyment of being part time and raising your children. I have to work full time, and that is a luxury, definitely. He's afforded you that, even if his salary isn't huge. You should be grateful but instead of that, you're berating him for not earning enough. What about you and your career? Depending on how old the kids are, why can't you step up and go full time? What have you achieved? Maybe it's time for him to have a break.

That does assume that she can go full time (some jobs can't) and that by doing so, they can afford childcare for wrap around care. Again some people can't afford that because the pay isn't good enough. We need more info to make suggestions like that.

That's why I suggested he goes pt and she changes to ft, assuming she can. Then she can work on her career and he can pick up child care and house work. But I imagine he's not up for that..

Well, if her current career doesn't allow for full-time working, why can't she change career, earn some more qualifications and go full-time like she expects her DH to do?

I think the reason posters are annoyed with her is because she has high expectations of her DH's career while she coasts along working part-time herself.

The vast majority of families will be better off with two full-time working parents - especially long-term when you factor in pension contributions.

Long term yes but many families can't afford to look long term. £1000 for childcare (just one child) and then mortgage or rent on top and now the rising energy bills and food bills, and from what she said they are struggling already.

Maybe she wants to go ft but financially can't do it. Or knows that like many men, even if she does the kids will still be her responsibility as will the house work and she'll get zero time for herself. It's hardly coasting along either when you've got the kids and housework to do as well plus anything else he doesn't do.

Why don’t you work full time and get promoted? Managing people is hard work, I get his point. There’s no point getting a higher salary if you’re stressed about work, not worth it. Also you seem jealous of this with bigger houses etc but think about the downsides of their jobs

Maybe, but equally, she could be quite happy working part-time and not having to worry about financially supporting multiple children as well as another adult.

He's hardly worrying about it, he's spent 25 years doing the least he can.

Was he career driven when you married him?

Maybe he enjoys his job and is happy in life?

You really have no right to complain if he earns more than you do. Maybe he would like to work part time and not have the pressure of being the main earner?

He’s spent 25 years working full time so the OP didn’t have to.

The op is working.

Why should he worry? To please the likes of you and OP?

This is a very misogynist thread. Women who judge men by their earning potential are not very nice people, to say the least.

I agree OP. IMO unambitious men are very unattractive, I’d find it pretty hard to shag my husband if I thought his attitude was that he couldn’t be arsed to get promoted and provide a better life for us. Sometimes we have to go outside our comfort zone for the benefit of our family, that’s what partnership is, so I’d be very unimpressed by him deciding he didn’t want to manage people.

If the agreement was you’d do the bulk of the family rearing and he’d focus on his career then he hasn’t held up his end of the bargain, I’d see that as a bit of a betrayal to be honest. I actually earn slightly more than my husband at the moment but we have agreed when we hopefully have kids I’ll be dropping to part time to do the bulk of the caring while he focuses on furthering his career, I’ll be very very annoyed if he then decides to just coast along!!

However what I will say is that even part time ill still be earning well into the higher rate tax bracket and looking to progress my career, appreciating it might not go as quickly as it would if full time, so I’m not expecting anything of my husband that I’m not also willing to bring myself. Could it be that he doesn’t think you’re ambitious and therefore don’t value it?

Me? 😁 Or the none returning op?

He can clearly, and has been doing, as he likes. It works for him.

Right. He spent the last 25 years working full time so that the OP didn’t have to work full time.

If you’re more career driven and capable of climbing the greasy pole why not switch it around then & you become the main breadwinner?

I can see how you maybe expected your DH to “progress” but not everyone can or want to. I’d rather have a happy & healthy partner than a stressed & miserable one (but with a nicer car) due to pushing themselves to do something they’re not truly suited to or good at.

I can see how you maybe see it as coasting or even complacent. But if anything I think it takes a healthy amount of self knowledge & confidence to assert your limits & know them when it comes to work.

Depends on the way you look at it I guess.

I don't think you know what misogynist means, or I'm reading your post very wrong...

Plus she's judging his lack of following through on bettering his earning potential that he agreed to, and not being bothered that his family is suffering as a consequence. Plus now that she is working pt and still holding up her end of the bargain with no extra help from him...

I am very surprised at people on here today. Even going as far as to say mums working pt are just coasting along... Mumsnet is weird some days. Other days this would have been a pile on against the partner.

Yes you. You suggested the idea. Yes because maybe he is happy and people may have more material things than OP granted but at what expense?

You can't assume from the outside. I think you have a bloody cheek tbh if that's the view you are choosing to hold.... not surprised OP has not rushed to return back are you?! 😅

My DH and I have just discussed this and he said "if a man had the opportunity to earn more money to give his family and more comfortable life then he 100% should have done it". I agree. OP's DH just seems lazy to me.

How do you know he is capable intellectually?

There's a nasty undertone on here that everyone must have a high flying job.

Exactly. Apparently though today, this is absolutely fine for the man to do a job with no progression or management, do nothing at home and no child care while his partner works pt and does all childcare and housework. Last week this man would have been hung out to dry with cries of ltb on most posts. 😂Leaving him is too far too, but at least it's better than 'oh that's totally fine, why can't he have an easy life'. But he's having that at the expense of his partner, she is doing everything and has missed out on x amount of years of pension on the idea that he was providing for them. He has done that to the smallest degree he possibly can.

Worst thing is I'm not sure they are married as he is called partner, so he could bugger off and leave her and the kids well screwed soon. But I guess with these posters, that would be fine too. 😂

It’s quite shocking to be honest that some people seem to think that the OP, having done the vast majority if not all of the tough years with young kids should now be aggressively trying to progress her career whilst no doubt still being expected to do the bulk of the child care/mental load. If that’s how it has been so far it seems hugely unlikely that her DH is suddenly going to turn into full time father of the year! What is this man bringing to the table here?

Why do some people have such low standards they believe that a woman should take time out of her career to do the difficult job of birthing and raising children and then be expected to hop merrily back on the career ladder and excel, whilst juggling looking after the kids, whilst the husband coasts along on a below average salary?

Meh, I can just see why the op would be disappointed. If my DH fell on his sword, gave up his career and earning potential, to raise the kids in a way that we both agreed and clearing a path for me to extend my own career unencumbered by childcare responsibilities - I'd consider it cheeky if I were tuning down opportunities so I could hit cruise. Just my opinion.