To have lost a bit of respect for my DPs lack of career.

[Hicjkk]

We're in our 40s now and although I don't have an amazing career myself, I have been a sahp and done the lions share of child rearing and running the household whilst do has been working ft. I currently work PT to fit around the kids have only started working 5 years ago in which time I have changed several jobs each with a bit more pay.

DH has been working for over 25 years and is still earning pretty low £28k. He's rejected any chance of promotion citing he doesn't want to manage anyone. It's been 2 people at most! He's had opportunity to gain qualifications paid for by employer which would enable him to apply for better jobs. He doesn't apply for any higher grade jobs, just moves sideways.

I know I shouldn't compare but I see my friends and family who are similar in age and their DPs have flourished in their careers. They didn't all start in good careers btw. One was a supermarket worker who now is regional manager. As a result they all have better quality of lives, better homes, don't have money worries like we have always had. Some of their wives have even had the luxury to leave their jobs.

I know it all sounds a bit 1950s and all that but we agreed that he would work as his job has better earning potential and I would do the main childrearing.

Can you explain more about your work situation/kids ages etc?

I wouldn't like it either, but not because I expect a man to provide for me. I do very well for myself, but I find lack of ambition quite unattractive. DH completely changed career nearly ten years ago, took a pay cut to do so, has since done a second degree and a professional qualification, he still doesn't earn quite the same as me, but that's irrelevant he's proactive, motivated and strives to make changes rather than stagnating. I like that. You seem to expect more from him than you do yourself, which seems quite hypocritical.

Oh my goodness this thread makes me feel like shit.

I've just lost my job (redundancy) and I can't get another mainly due to being told I'm old (I'm 35).... sneaky feedback like "other candidates will fit in with the team" (younger) or "other candidates don't have commitments at home" (children).

I've literally applied for so many roles and not getting anywhere locally. I've gone onto LinkedIn and applied for remote working because the general consensus is "just get a remote job" - well it isnt that easy, most have 50+ applicants in my field....so I'm looking at retraining and it'll put me back at square one.

I've spent the last week trying to retrain my thought process so it doesn't believe self worth is career related. Because I've been spiralling into depression by feeling worthless and hopeless.

Having said all that OP, you don't sound like you've done well either. So maybe focus on yourself and have a little self awareness ;)

He earned enough for you to have a choice to not work out of the home at all, and then part time. So you’re taking the piss.
If all it takes is a bit of ambition, you’re sorted, because you’ll soon be on £60K and why shouldn’t you fund the lifestyle you want?
Afterall, he’s funded the lifestyle you wanted for what - the last 10 years?
I’m late 40s. I was earning well over £28K before I had children - why weren’t you?

Plan on being the career person in your relationship if he does not want to.

How much do you earn?

Maybe he’d like a chance to be at home with the kids and you could work ft.

Without a career of your own, YABU.

As ambition is important to you, you could have continued to build your career after having children, but you didn't. Why not? Why is it ok for you to work PT in various jobs but it's not ok for him to be content with his job?
I know you'll say childcare is the reason, but you (both) made a choice at the end of the day.
It seems you may have bought into your own idea of perfect family life: hard working ambitious husband bringing in the bulk of the money, PT working wife and mother, bringing in a little extra for the 'fun' things. But you forgot that there are two of you in the relationship and you don't get to decide what he does.
Many have made similar errors of judgement, you're not alone in that. What you can do now is accept that is how your DH feels. Then think about what you could do with your career. No reason why you shouldn't have ambition for yourself. Childcare is not a reason to hold yourself back, there is always a way to make it work if you're determined enough. Whatever you do don't resent your husband for being the person you married.

Don't resent him, he didn’t resent you staying at home.

Focus on sharing the financial burden start working FT between you if you're driven you'll earn 70/80,000 in the next few years.

Ask yourself 2 things:
If your friends weren't as well off, would this be an issue? I can't help but feel this is stemming from feeling inadequate next to your peers.

Would you rather he was in a more demanding job which makes him more stressed and working longer hours, and you and the kids rarely see him? More responsibility and higher wages brings new issues, and maybe you get more quality time together as a result of your dp not taking on any promotions? You don't know what goes on behind closed doors with your friends.

My dh can annoy me at times for similar reasons to you, I have friends whose partners have better jobs and they own lovely houses, etc, and my dh gets so stressed at slightest of tasks so therefore isn't in any high flying career job. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't get to me at all, and it is difficult when your peers all seem more financially secure than you.

However, as harsh as it sounds, I think you have to just accept it is how he is and concentrate on the plus side of him having more time with family.

Or, as others have suggested, you take on a higher paid job and he go part time?

Do people really think the OP’s husband was ‘supporting her lifestyle’?
She’s been raising kids. Most couples decide what compromise they want to take as a family

Of course he supported her lifestyle.

He earned enough money to allow her the luxury of being a SAHM while her children were small. Many households need two incomes just to pay the bills.

You don't get to drop out of work for years, go back part-time then complain that your partner (who has always worked full-time) lacks ambition 😂

If OP wants more money, she can go and get a full-time job and manage people herself.

I think that the husband’s earnings despite his “lack of ambition” were financially supporting the lifestyle that they chose as a couple, yes.
So I think it’s taking the piss to then criticise him instead of just getting on with her own career development. My husband earns far less than me, that’s not going to change in the industry he loves, and I know it - so I’m not going to complain about his lack of ambition on MN in 10 years time 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some of their wives have even had the luxury to leave their jobs.

@Hicjkk you have had that same 'luxury' whilst your children have been small. You are being VU and hypocritical.

I'd leave him then drive my career forward and enjoy the fruits of my labour. If you boost your career now he'll be entitled to the extra money. It's unlikely your resentment is going to disappear.

Of course he was supporting her lifestyle. The OP says ‘I have been a sahp’. You cannot do that unless you are being supported.

Op , you married a man who wasn’t career minded. Why are you trying to move the goalpost now?
Part of the reason I was attracted to dh was because he was very ambitious and driven.
I am the same.
If you are unhappy , you should work on building up your own career

Agreed.

As he clearly isn't career minded or driven but you want a lifestyle that necessitates a higher salary, surely now is the time to have a conversation about swopping roles. You got FT, climb the ladder and aim for the higher salary whilst he works PT and does the lions share of the childcare/household. Passing on the metal load will take time (& lots of patience on your behalf) but It makes no sense Tom force your husband into something he doesn't want when you could do it yourself.

DH & I swopped roles for a couple of years and after a painful period of adjustment it was the best thing we could have done for our relationship & bank balance.

You have different views on work, ambition and lifestyle. Nothing wrong with either, but you have to work out if that incompatibility is a deal breaker or not.

FWIW I'm the more ambitious pushy one - but only slightly and as we approach retirement neither of us particularly wants to keep working towards that next promotion - and I still work part time! (Ironically dh's career has suddenly stepped up a notch despite not particularly seeking promotion 🙄)

You do need to make peace with both your viewpoints as far as your dc go - he mustn't stifle any ambition they show, equally you shouldn't push them into always aiming for the next rung on the ladder if they're not confident/comfortable with that.

I think if you hatched a plan to divide labour like this, with spoken expectations that he was the career driven one in the relationship and that your work at home providing care for the children would afford him the opportunity to take on uncomplicated career steps, then I think I see your point if all he did with that space was to hit cruise.

Well said.

A job takes personality. And as much as people claim on here to be earning 80k for doing little work for me its the accountability factor you are being paid for even around 30k.

It's not wrong for you to feel that way but at the same time it's not your choice.

with spoken expectations that he was the career driven one in the relationship

It doesn’t sound like that’s as ever the case

I think as a society we've known for a long time that a career is actually not an important aspect of anyone's personality, but as long as a career paid more than a job and allowed you to live comfortably it was worth prioritising.

Now that a career is no guarantee of earning enough for a house and annual trip abroad, more people are not bothering. Might as well enjoy the extra free time and lack of stress if even doubling your salary can't buy you security!