Woman's work load

[Sparklybutold]

I run the house (mostly). I cook nearly every meal. I make most of the teas. I care for Dd (2) mon, Tue, thur and Fri. Study masters part time wed. I work sat and sun 8 each day. We also have 12 year old son.

DH works full time mon to Fri. He cares for DD weekend. His mum offered to have Dd every other sat when I said I was returning to work.

This morning I woke with stomach cramps and vomiting. Called in sick at work. Went back to bed. Woke at 2. I've asked how everyone is, all grumpy apart from dd who's happy to see me. I ask dh for some toast, he then asks son who grunts. I get up to make some in the kitchen and have a sob and feel like an idiot. Even 2 year comes in to say hi and give me a hug. I'm now snuggled with dd and dh fallen asleep. House a mess. When I'm not feeling crappy or as angry ill talk to ds and dh about lack of care shown other than offer of maccas when they were out.

I constantly care and then when I need some - nada. Before the talk, could you share with me your thoughts?

I think that your son and husband have behaved badly. They should've cared more about you and seen whether you wanted something to eat and realised a McDonald's is not appropriate food for an ill person?!

However, my husband is fairly crap when I'm ill too. He will make some food but its almost like out of sight, out of mind because I have to specifically request it. When I had covid, I ended up stopping isolating upstairs because we would have starved to death. He was WFH and forgot all about tea needing cooking.

That being said, my husband is good around the house in other ways and playing with the kids (just not feeding them, cos I always make the food!) so in your situation the house would have been cleaned and the children looked after.

But I probably would've been hungry!

@Dacadactyl

I'm just doubting my response. DH was away last week for work, returning Thursday. I asked how both him and son were owing to me being poorly. Son fine. DH feels ‘coldy’.

I know in raising how I feel will incite more grumpiness - but then he's poorly too?

You asked DH for toast and...what happened?

Your son is 12.

He copies what the adults around him do.

If you don't want him to turn out like your husband them start teaching him and giving him more responsibility around the house.

Also teach your son how to treat visitors/guests.

@EmmaH2022

He made a pray gesture with his hands for son to make it as he was sat down. Son grumbled. No movement made either way. I got up and made it.

@RedWingBoots

Out of interest where does the guests comment come from? Do I know you?

Well they were horrible to not just make the toast - I would have had to say something then.

the rest of it, you need to divide stuff up more equally. You cook M T T F, take turns Wednesdays, he cooks weekends. He plans what he’s going to cook, you plan yours, take in turns to do food shop. Get a cleaner (if you can obviously, but honestly it’s a godsend!). Work out what isn’t working for you both and fix it together. Your son needs some chores too - for comparison my 9 year old cooks one day a week, dries up twice a week and is in charge of taking the recycling out.

Yeah your husband is a dickhead, son is going the same way. Good luck speaking to them.

You may find other posters think you are unreasonable though, we seem to have posters on today who think men simply breathing is good enough. 😂Just ignore them if you get those.

My thoughts are you've left this far too long to tackle

What's a 'woman's work load' anyway

You've been a doormat for years and now your son has learned to behave like a prick too

How is she a doormat?! She works at home caring for her child 4 days a week and doing all associated housework. OP, when you work at the weekend does your husband usually sort the house out and look after the children?

Her husband works full time, earning for the household.

If he's usually lazy OP, then I'd say to him that you felt let down and uncared for when you were ill. But if he's usually good, then Id let it go tbh.

You have to stop doing things for your DH. Tell him you are pissed off and going on strike?

@Dacadactyl

We are all adapting to a new system as I started work part time recently. I usually leave chores/jobs that need doing when I'm at work. After 22 years with DH he just doesn't see it. Together we keep the washing conveyor belt going. DH rarely cooks and instead will buy takeout.

OP, I get it. I was a SAHM for years and then went part time. It was an adjustment because I had done everything, but then with working PT I told him I needed more help. He listened and stepped up.

Although, because of my hours I do still tend to do all the cooking and meal prepping.

I would say to him that you felt a bit put out about him not doing the toast. If he genuinely is feeling ill I would leave it. Although, I wouldve expected my son to make me the toast at 12 if he is well. And tbh, my husband wouldn't have let our lad just sit there and not do it for me either.

@Dacadactyl

Thank you for your considered response

That's awful. I'd stop doing stuff for them. When you say your DH is feeling coldy, do you mean he is actually ill or a tad under the weather? I'm a bit under the weather today but perfectly capable of making toast!

i hope your stomach is better.

My dh massively struggles when I'm ill as it requires him to step up. Whereas because I do most of house stuff anyway I don't notice a change when he's ill

@EmmaH2022

I suspect under the weather