To have lost a bit of respect for my DPs lack of career.

[Hicjkk]

We're in our 40s now and although I don't have an amazing career myself, I have been a sahp and done the lions share of child rearing and running the household whilst do has been working ft. I currently work PT to fit around the kids have only started working 5 years ago in which time I have changed several jobs each with a bit more pay.

DH has been working for over 25 years and is still earning pretty low £28k. He's rejected any chance of promotion citing he doesn't want to manage anyone. It's been 2 people at most! He's had opportunity to gain qualifications paid for by employer which would enable him to apply for better jobs. He doesn't apply for any higher grade jobs, just moves sideways.

I know I shouldn't compare but I see my friends and family who are similar in age and their DPs have flourished in their careers. They didn't all start in good careers btw. One was a supermarket worker who now is regional manager. As a result they all have better quality of lives, better homes, don't have money worries like we have always had. Some of their wives have even had the luxury to leave their jobs.

I know it all sounds a bit 1950s and all that but we agreed that he would work as his job has better earning potential and I would do the main childrearing.

I currently work PT to fit around the kids have only started working 5 years ago in which time I have changed several jobs each with a bit more pay.

Given your age, presumably you worked BEFORE having kids and didn't just start working 5 years ago for the first time?

I'd hate to manage anyone. When you had the discussion about you being the SAHP and him continuing to work FT, was it established that you expected him to go for promotions, managerial positions, etc?

Obviously you're very discontented, but how does HE feel? Is he happy with the status quo, what he earns, his work/life balance?

Why complain about this now? Too late. You’ve had years to give him the carrot and stick to develop his career further if that was important to you.

Leave him if you want and find a career man.

I think 28k is actually a pretty good wage for someone who hasn’t done any promotions or qualifications.

I know it all sounds a bit 1950s

It does really. I hear that you're a bit put out that you don't have the luxury of leaving your job like your friends, but it's not really his responsibility to make that happen.

You married someone who isn't career driven or ambitious, or greatly financially motivated. As you're not career driven either, it's not really reasonable of you to expect him to forge forward up the ladder. With this in mind would it have been an option for him to SAHD and you to continue your career, if you're more driven?

Can you swap and go full time and him part time?

Well now is your time to shine. Change things up get a better job paying more than £28k, then he can go part time.

Why don’t you work FT and get the lifestyle you want?

I think you should work full time and go for promotions. Doesn't sound like he will, he would have done it by now otherwise.

I agree 28k is low.

Time for you to work full time and start increasing the household income.

£28k is fine, if its a poor amount it should be easy for you to acheive giving a family income of £56k.

I took a promotion a few years ago, a key part of that was managing the team, I hated every moment of it and I was shit at it, people managing just isn’t for me, I took demotion and was once again happy at work, my team were also very happy with my decision!

Instead of making it all about how your husband isn't the career driven man you want him to be, why didn't you forge your own career between leaving education and having kids!
What's your excuse?

So drive your career.

Some people just aren’t very career driven. I know many people in my workplace who are the same and won’t move upwards as they don’t want to manage anyone, and you do need to start to do that once you move up to the next grade. I think you have to accept that. No reason you can’t try and push forward with your career now you’re in the world of work. I’ve worked my way up and have a good salary now which has changed my lifestyle for the better. I’d rather do that than Rey on someone else to when they clearly aren’t interested. I don’t think there’s anything you can do, but you’re not unreasonable in being a bit miffed about it. But you are equally capable of doing the same, as you say it’s not the 1950’s anymore

i Think you should swap round and go for promotion opportunities and he should pick up more stuff at home. Maybe he had intended to climb the career ladder but found he couldn’t cope when he tried it. As long as he pulls his weight with housework and kids and is financially responsible, I think it can be a good partnership.

@LampLighter414 I expect she is complaining now because with the rising costs they are having trouble making ends meet!

For me it would be the fact that he'd turned down opportunities that would put me off. Nothing wrong with any job on any salary.

Managing isn’t for everyone, I don’t ever want to be a manager again, been there and done it and it wasn’t for me.

if he is happy in his job then why should he move, you could always up your hours to earn more money. I’m not sure why you have lost a bit of respect for him.

You're really not in a position to judge his career progression considering that your own is pants.

Many women have a successful career and raise a family.

Why haven't you done the same.

He or your friends may be judging your choices too.

He's done what you agreed. He works. Now would he an excellent time for you to get your own career back on track and bring in some more money.

Surely you must have noticed before now that he wasn't being promoted or climbing the career ladder? That would have been the time for you to return to work and let him pick up the slack at home. Too late to complain now.

I would hate my DH to lack ambition, but I think in many cases the driven men are attracted to equally driven women - not always, but often - and he would hate to have a stay at home wife. You can't really criticise him for not wanting to progress in his career when you don't either, that is very unfair. And a bit greedy. Earn your own money. I'd have more sympathy for your position if you had worked to progress in your career and he had been left behind, but you haven't - you just want him to keep you in the manner you feel you deserve. He's clearly a 'work to live' person rather than a 'live to work'.

I get it OP.

My OH isn't career minded and I tried for years to encourage him to look for something better, or retrain. I realised I long time ago that it just isn't him. He had many great qualities, but he just isn't career minded.

I used to be be career minded but as I've got older, I'm just not interested in my career. I don't want to be working late, worrying about work at weekends or dealing with office politics.

I agree with other posters in that you should focus on your own career, to give you the lifestyle you want.Let your husband take up the slack at home and find something you want to do. You don't have to go down the traditional route - I know lots of women who are the higher earners.

You sound very hypocritical. You're complaining because he lacks ambition, but you have even less, so it's kind of a pot kettle thing!

If you want a better standard of living then go do it yourself - your obviously capable as you've said yourself how many times you've been promoted recently. So go full-time and get it done!

Maybe he wants a decent work life balance and he's been strong enough to achieve that.

You both sound unambitious, to be honest.

Is your wage ok?
I agree that it would be off putting if a partner isn’t interested in developing skills or learning.