Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To absolutely hate my partner right now?!

171 replies

arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 22:44

Just found out that at 6 months postpartum with our first baby my partner tried to sleep with a work colleague. The only reason it didn't happen was because she knocked him back.

At the time I had severe PND and was struggling just to get through the days, I was getting therapy for ptsd from the birth etc. I was spending all my time and energy on maternity leave trying to make sure I got well and look after our baby, putting her first, while he was trying to shag someone else.

I feel sick.

Baby is 17 months now.

What do I do??

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/09/2022 22:56

What do you want to do?

You can absolutely end the relationship over this if you want, no matter whether he actually physically cheated or not (a common thing cheaters say is 'I didn't actually do anything, you can't dump me for something I didn't do').

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2022 22:57

What do you want to do?

Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 22:57

I hate him

OP posts:
Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 22:57

I'm so angry and upset

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/09/2022 22:59

Do nothing right now. Take some time to process what has happened. Then make a decision about whether you’re prepared to live with a shitty man. I agree with NeverDropYourMooncup that you’d be entirely justified in ending the relationship over this; you could end it just because you weren’t happy.

UsernameIsDeadToMe · 10/09/2022 23:00

You poor thing.

how did you find out? Does he know you know?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 10/09/2022 23:00

You summed it up when you said he tried to shag someone else.

How many times has he previously tried (and maybe succeeded)?
How many times will he try in the future?

It would be a deal breaker for me but only you know what you are prepared to put up with.

Workinghardeveryday · 10/09/2022 23:00

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/09/2022 22:59

Do nothing right now. Take some time to process what has happened. Then make a decision about whether you’re prepared to live with a shitty man. I agree with NeverDropYourMooncup that you’d be entirely justified in ending the relationship over this; you could end it just because you weren’t happy.

This.

I am so sorry he did that to you, what a shit he is xx

Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 23:21

UsernameIsDeadToMe · 10/09/2022 23:00

You poor thing.

how did you find out? Does he know you know?

Yes he knows I know. He told me.

OP posts:
Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 23:21

I've just told him I hate him

OP posts:
Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 23:21

I don't even mean it I'm just hurting so bad

OP posts:
Tigofigo · 10/09/2022 23:23

I'm sorry. That is really shit. Why did he tell you? I'm wondering.

Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 23:25

Tigofigo · 10/09/2022 23:23

I'm sorry. That is really shit. Why did he tell you? I'm wondering.

I had my suspicions. So I asked him outright and he didn't deny it. Just admitted straight away

OP posts:
purpleboy · 10/09/2022 23:54

Do you think there have been other times?

Vent here, and take some time to gather your thoughts and decide what is right for you. You need to be calm before talking to him though, you won't get anywhere whilst your this angry. Flowers

Nekomata · 11/09/2022 05:15

I read your other thread and neither of you seem happy. But, life is hard when you have a little one. How about asking for some space to get your head sorted out? As I said before, I think you will find that life is a lot easier without him there.

Good luck to you whatever you decide x

KangarooKenny · 11/09/2022 07:20

As you’re not married you make plans to separate.
You’ll never trust him again.
Don’t go through this alone. Do you have parents or someone you can tell ?

TooHotToTangoToo · 11/09/2022 08:03

Bearing in mind this and your other thread, now is the time to make the break and start afresh. Seek advice from a solicitor. Is the house rented or mortgaged

Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 08:05

You know what he said. ?

She just looked good, always had her hair done nicely and had had "work done on her face".

There I am sitting at home breastfeeding our baby every day in my pyjamas with hair thrown up on my head in a bun and no make up on, because our baby was my priority ..... my self esteem is on the floor. 😔😔

How do I pick myself up from this?

OP posts:
Castleheights · 11/09/2022 08:10

Leave him… he told you to hurt you. a spiteful shag about will a decent partner make

Darkness22 · 11/09/2022 08:10

I would tell him to get the hell out. This will eat you up inside. Even the reasons he gave are almost a criticism of you. He sounds cold. You don't need to decide your whole future right now, but he does need to go and you need support irl. What's the housing situation? Are you working?

ValerieDoonican · 11/09/2022 08:12

Well if he married you for your grooming, and shags (or wants to) other people for their grooming, he is unbelievably shallow!! Shallower than a few rainspots on a pavement, never mind a puddle.

PurpleFlower1983 · 11/09/2022 08:16

arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 08:05

You know what he said. ?

She just looked good, always had her hair done nicely and had had "work done on her face".

There I am sitting at home breastfeeding our baby every day in my pyjamas with hair thrown up on my head in a bun and no make up on, because our baby was my priority ..... my self esteem is on the floor. 😔😔

How do I pick myself up from this?

After reading this I personally would be telling him to get the fuck out. What kind of man does this to their partner when they are most vulnerable. I could never trust him again. Life is too short to waste on a piece of shit like this whether you love him or not.

misskatamari · 11/09/2022 08:16

Leave him. I've read your other thread where honestly it seems you should anyway. This is just a nail in the coffin. He's a selfish shit. He doesn't respect you. He's a shit partner. You don't have to live like this (and if on the off chance you're also the poster who's partner won't get up with the baby, 100% end this! Because if you are he's actually abusive and just awful).

Bestcatmum · 11/09/2022 08:16

That's awful OP. Like so many men he abandoned you when you needed him. I wouldn't be able to trust him again. What happens if you get ill in the future, when you go through the menopause? My own husband of 20 years abandoned me when I was taken into hospital seriously ill. Didn't even hang around to bring me home. I had to get a taxi. I find it hard to trust anyone now. Trust is so important in a marriage and when it's gone it's gone. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

maddening · 11/09/2022 08:21

I would be suspicious that it wasn't the first or only and that he wasn't still lying.

Usually the first admission is a very sugar coated version in an attempt to seem to be laying the truth out in order to placate you, something that is bad but not that bad that you end the relationship.