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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To absolutely hate my partner right now?!

171 replies

arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 22:44

Just found out that at 6 months postpartum with our first baby my partner tried to sleep with a work colleague. The only reason it didn't happen was because she knocked him back.

At the time I had severe PND and was struggling just to get through the days, I was getting therapy for ptsd from the birth etc. I was spending all my time and energy on maternity leave trying to make sure I got well and look after our baby, putting her first, while he was trying to shag someone else.

I feel sick.

Baby is 17 months now.

What do I do??

OP posts:
Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:26

DD is so full on at the age she's at now, I'm exhausted and he is literally my only practical support. How can I do this every day alone? I already feel burnt out and he supports me with the care of her

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 14:27

But admits to having cheated on his ex wife several times so, who knows

Take it you didn't know this before getting pregnant by him?

Or did you fall for "wrong relationship, we weren't getting on etc"?

As I said, he has a v low threshold for what he gives himself permission to cheat for.
And he seems to think his fidelity should be directly proportional to how glamorous his partner is and how peachy things are in the relationship, even with massive changes/challenges like a new baby or pnd.

He was always a huge risk for cheating with that history. And sorry but it seems like he always will be.

He doesn't even sound remorseful or worried or like he cares very much. He is not a good in.

Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:27

He also blames my PND. Things were "difficult" between us and I wasn't myself etc

OP posts:
Wisteriaroundthedoor · 11/09/2022 14:28

Op if your self esteem is solely based on if he remains faithful or not then this is a very fragile worrying place to be. You self esteem should not be based entirely on him or as shallow as him remaining faithful

it sounds like you can do this without him so take a breather and work out what you want. My personal view is the uncaring way he told you tells me this is over and you’re better out.

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 14:28

arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:26

DD is so full on at the age she's at now, I'm exhausted and he is literally my only practical support. How can I do this every day alone? I already feel burnt out and he supports me with the care of her

If he's hands on, why can't you arrange to split childcare in a way that suits his job - temporarily.

Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:29

Or did you fall for "wrong relationship, we weren't getting on etc"?

Ashamed to say that yes I fell for this. "I'd never do that to you because this is different, I love you, I didn't love her" etc.

OP posts:
Chickpea17 · 11/09/2022 14:29

What do you mean what do you do?
Leave him or stay with him?

Fuzzyheady · 11/09/2022 14:31

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Insideallday · 11/09/2022 14:31

I’m so sorry to read this for you. He has let you down in one of the most challenging times of your life and is trying to put it back in you. You say your confidence is at an all time low…..he did this to you. Your partner is not supposed to do this, he is supposed to hold you up in times of need.

You are worth more. He does not deserve you.

I wish I could help you more practically but you should talk to someone….a family member or friend to help you.

Good luck…..you deserve better x

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 14:33

arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:29

Or did you fall for "wrong relationship, we weren't getting on etc"?

Ashamed to say that yes I fell for this. "I'd never do that to you because this is different, I love you, I didn't love her" etc.

I'm sorry to say that if he cheated on a woman he was married to several times, I think he would have gone through with the cheating he tried to set up that you suspected and he's admitted to.

His automatic, quite blasé and pretty unapologetic admission makes it seem like he thinks he's entitled to cheat.

He is a really poor bet.

Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:34

By the way I was NOT the OW. Their relationship ended months before I met him. He told me he'd cheated repeatedly as she was a "nightmare" and they didn't get on, he didn't love her etc.

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 14:36

arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:27

He also blames my PND. Things were "difficult" between us and I wasn't myself etc

He's one of those useless bastards who will bounce around until he finds a woman with virtually no pressures or demands or hassle in life (never had kids or kids grown up and away, no financial worries, no mh issues, plenty of free time to pay him attention and do loads of relaxing fun things together etc etc) ... Even then she better not stop the glamour for a second or ever have any health problems, or he'll be cheating/out of there.

Insideallday · 11/09/2022 14:37

Well if he didn’t love her, he should have had the balls to leave, not blame her ‘nightmare’ for his wrongdoing, the more you speak of him the more he sounds like an awful man with no respect.

Easy to say but I would leave. Please speak to someone in real life to help you.

he will do it again

noirchatsdeux · 11/09/2022 14:39

If she was such a 'nightmare' why didn't he just leave her then? Why did he have to cheat on her?

Christ, he's really full of fucking shit, isn't he?

You do realise he's trying to force you to do his dirty work for him? By telling you that he 'nearly' shagged a work colleague and that in his eyes it's because you were too ugly for him at the time, he couldn't have made it clearer that he doesn't love you unless he'd actually had a billboard put up outside your door with the words I DON'T FUCKING LOVE YOU.

But unfortunately for your daughter I have a feeling you'd ignore a billboard, too.

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 14:40

arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:34

By the way I was NOT the OW. Their relationship ended months before I met him. He told me he'd cheated repeatedly as she was a "nightmare" and they didn't get on, he didn't love her etc.

So he married someone he didn't love or stopped loving her during the relationship.

I think a lot of women would be one a "nightmare" and not get on with him, with how he acts. And he was repeatedly cheating on her; did he think that would help them get on.

A man I heard of actually said - in response to anither man complaining about his wife/partner apparently acting like a bitch/being off the bracket etc. - "if my wife was cheating down in x (region) while working away, I reckon you wouldn't be seeing my best side either!".

He sounds like the typical man with "crazy" exes, whom he drove crazy.

DarceyG · 11/09/2022 14:41

arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:34

By the way I was NOT the OW. Their relationship ended months before I met him. He told me he'd cheated repeatedly as she was a "nightmare" and they didn't get on, he didn't love her etc.

They all say that.

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 14:41

If she was such a 'nightmare' why didn't he just leave her then? Why did he have to cheat on her?

Exactly.

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 14:45

His first response to 'not getting on" or his woman not being dolled up and in tip top mood all the time seems to be to cheat.

How old is he, to have a failed marriage and now a partnership with a child (with him cheating or attempting to cheat in both) under his belt?

deeperthanallroses · 11/09/2022 14:48

Is he really that much help with dd? Isn’t this the guy who won’t get her ready in the morning but waltzes out the door to work leaving you to it? So what does he do besides turning the tv on?

CactusBlossom · 11/09/2022 14:48

Once a cheat, always a cheat. Give yourself some time to consider what you want your life to be like, then take action. Consider what you want to achieve before getting legal advice (e.g. for separation, divorce). I'm sorry you are in this position, but it might be better to cut your losses now than find out he's telling someone else you are a nightmare and the whole sorry cycle repeats itself...

Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:53

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 14:45

His first response to 'not getting on" or his woman not being dolled up and in tip top mood all the time seems to be to cheat.

How old is he, to have a failed marriage and now a partnership with a child (with him cheating or attempting to cheat in both) under his belt?

39

OP posts:
Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:53

deeperthanallroses · 11/09/2022 14:48

Is he really that much help with dd? Isn’t this the guy who won’t get her ready in the morning but waltzes out the door to work leaving you to it? So what does he do besides turning the tv on?

Wakes up in the night with her so I can sleep

OP posts:
Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:54

That's basically it. Oh and the food shopping but only if I give him exact instructions on what to buy

OP posts:
Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:54

So I'd be chronically sleep deprived as I'd be doing all night wakings solo. And I'd have to physically do the shopping myself. But not much else would change as I do the rest anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 14:58

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 14:41

If she was such a 'nightmare' why didn't he just leave her then? Why did he have to cheat on her?

Exactly.

I have no idea. I asked him that, he said he was hoping it would get better 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
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