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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To absolutely hate my partner right now?!

171 replies

arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 22:44

Just found out that at 6 months postpartum with our first baby my partner tried to sleep with a work colleague. The only reason it didn't happen was because she knocked him back.

At the time I had severe PND and was struggling just to get through the days, I was getting therapy for ptsd from the birth etc. I was spending all my time and energy on maternity leave trying to make sure I got well and look after our baby, putting her first, while he was trying to shag someone else.

I feel sick.

Baby is 17 months now.

What do I do??

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/09/2022 09:39

I was originally going to say that i think couples can get past stuff if there is complete honesty and remorse. However it sounds like he is trying to deflect, blame you for it and justify it...I'm not sure there is actually any way back from that. You dont have to make a decision now anyway.

Can I ask what he is like in general...you are saying you are so exhausted and all your focus is on your daughter. Do you work? Does your partner do his share? As I think if you have a bad sleeper or something then both parents should be tired, it shouldn't be one of you on the floor while the other is ok

PortalooSunset · 11/09/2022 09:54

arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 08:53

He was also acting really cold towards me this morning before he went to work as if Im the one who's done something wrong.

He also said "I don't think we will be able to get past this because YOU won't forgive me".

As if I'm also to blame now because I can't find it within me to forgive him!!

So he's a cock and a victim blamer? Nice.
You deserve better 💐

doitwithlove · 11/09/2022 09:57

First step - I would tell him to leave, make sure you make a plan with him that he has your baby twice/three time a week overnight so you can catch up on much needed sleep.

Don't take NO for an answer, baby may be breastfeed either you give expressed milk/bottle or give him powder to make up the bottles.

He has acted a first class idiot, he needs to help out with child care for you to recover from the situation he has put you in

The girl who knocked him back - well done to her. Her looks need maintenance, which takes money.

Noteverybodylives · 11/09/2022 09:59

I suspect he has or has waiting something going on with someone else. He has said these things so that you end the relationship and he can blame you for 'taking his daughter away'

I agree.

He wouldn’t have admitted trying to have sex with someone out of the goodness of his heart.
He’s got a much bigger plan.

Maybe he’s planning on leaving with the OW.
Or she is planning on telling OP the truth and he can claim she’s lying as he already told OP what happened.

Either way he’s definitely cheated.

Worriedpanda50 · 11/09/2022 10:12

If he is that shallow about appearances then it spells trouble for when you are older. You will always feel self conscious and paranoid.

His way of dealing with it sounds like he has more issues than just being a cheat.

A deeper conversation and maybe marriage guidance is needed. Or maybe it isn't and it is time to call it a day.

Original poster
arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 10:13

I can't keep up with all the comments but just to answer a few

Yes I work. I earn just shy of 50k a year in my FT job. A career I've worked really hard to establish and I'm so glad I have that, especially for my girls.

We rent our house, leaving will be easy enough.

I'll have to hope that he's willing to contribute half the childcare fees.

OP posts:
ShirleyJackson · 11/09/2022 10:17

Good God, fuck him off.

Spaceprincess · 11/09/2022 10:18

OP you are worth so much more than this, awful man.
Throw him out get CMS to get maintenance from him.
Heal and have a good life with your daughter.
Good luck.

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/09/2022 10:19

Yeah I couldn’t get past this. How are you going to respect him again?

I know a lot of people say that early years with small kids are punishing and you need to cut them some slack but…. Why? Who wants to come from a betrayal like that? Who wants to be with someone who is capable of that?

BitOutOfPractice · 11/09/2022 10:20

Oh I see, it’s all your fault! Lovely!

Motnight · 11/09/2022 10:21

maddening · 11/09/2022 08:21

I would be suspicious that it wasn't the first or only and that he wasn't still lying.

Usually the first admission is a very sugar coated version in an attempt to seem to be laying the truth out in order to placate you, something that is bad but not that bad that you end the relationship.

This.

gingertoast · 11/09/2022 10:22

So you're bright, articulate and have a good job. You're more than capable of raising your children. Remind me why you are tolerating this imbecile?

Honestly you may not feel like it but to me you sound sound like you've got your act completely together. You do not need him. Kick him out (it's a ball ache to move unless you really have to) and crack on with the rest of your life. Do not look backwards as quite frankly he's not worth it

GarlicCrackers · 11/09/2022 10:25

If you stay, you're just giving him permission to do it again. I'm 5 months pregnant and my "partner" has just moved out, not due to cheating but due to refusing to change his behaviour. I already feel better

Closetbeanmuncher · 11/09/2022 10:28

She just looked good, always had her hair done nicely and had had "work done on her face"

Cringeworthy - I have second hand embarrassment just reading that 😳

Remove this wasteman from your life and nurture your self esteem back to what it once was.

If you stay in this relationship you will inevitably be ground to dust.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 11/09/2022 10:33

arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 08:05

You know what he said. ?

She just looked good, always had her hair done nicely and had had "work done on her face".

There I am sitting at home breastfeeding our baby every day in my pyjamas with hair thrown up on my head in a bun and no make up on, because our baby was my priority ..... my self esteem is on the floor. 😔😔

How do I pick myself up from this?

She didn't want to shag him. He got turned down. He thought she would joyfully take him into her bed - and she said no. So he clearly isn't attractive to her, whether for face, personality or both.

Sounds like it really dented his ego, too - which is why he's taking it out on you.

Pathetic, really, the utter confidence that some men have. And the right mood they get into when they're rejected.

SwordToFlamethrower · 11/09/2022 10:35

He gave his reasons purely to fuck with your head and destroy your self esteem. He is trying to blame you for his cheating by making out its because YOU aren't making an effort.

Am I right OP? Do you feel, even a little bit like it might be your fault? It is so easy for men to blame the woman in order to make her easy to control.

Get him the fuck out. The fact he tried to stick his dick into another woman should be the worst thing. But I think his reasons for it are worse. What a misogynistic piece of shit. He only likes women that look pretty. He doesn't value your sacrifice or the work you do to care for the baby you made.

You absolutely do not want a man like that in your baby's life.

justfiveminutes · 11/09/2022 10:38

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. He sounds awful and once you're on the other side you'll realise that you had a lucky escape. You are unmarried, renting and earning a good wage yourself so you absolutely can do this alone.

To me, it sounds as if he has checked out of the relationship. It is not just that he tried to sleep with someone else but that he told you to intentionally hurt and destroy you, suspecting it would end the relationship and not really caring. How satisfying it will be to be free of him.

NeckFanInSoftPlay · 11/09/2022 10:41

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/09/2022 22:59

Do nothing right now. Take some time to process what has happened. Then make a decision about whether you’re prepared to live with a shitty man. I agree with NeverDropYourMooncup that you’d be entirely justified in ending the relationship over this; you could end it just because you weren’t happy.

With respect, this happened 13 months ago so OP will have been processing it ever since

economicervix · 11/09/2022 10:45

Dump the worthless loser, he’s not even worth having a conversation with, discard him and communicate by email about child contact. Enjoy life. You only get one.

liquidgrapes · 11/09/2022 10:48

I couldn't get past this.

Tistheseason17 · 11/09/2022 10:52

Lots of possible things going on...
He feels guilty so he's trying to get you to dump him so he feels better?
Is he seeing someone else and wants you to make it easy for him to leave?
He genuinely loves you and regrets this past action and it's eating him up inside so he's told you but he really does want to make amends?

For me it would be more about how he's been behaving generally towards me - you know if he's loving and caring and wants to make amends... or cold and unfeeling looking to blame you for his poor behaviour.

I'd rather be without him and making a happy life than soldiering on unhappy without love and respect.

justfiveminutes · 11/09/2022 10:54

"With respect, this happened 13 months ago so OP will have been processing it ever since."

It happened months ago but I thought he'd only just told her.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 11/09/2022 11:03

arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 08:53

He was also acting really cold towards me this morning before he went to work as if Im the one who's done something wrong.

He also said "I don't think we will be able to get past this because YOU won't forgive me".

As if I'm also to blame now because I can't find it within me to forgive him!!

The audacity of his comments directing fault at you, the mere fact this revolting man does this is he believes you don't have the courage to leave him. Dump him, if not only to get some head space. Surround yourself with people who love you for being you. Sit in your PJ's all day, scrap your hair back, leave the dishes for a day it really doesn't effing matter. Your mental health and mothering your child is the priority right now. Take care.

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 11:12

He sounds shallower than a damp patch.

A partner who can't (won't) understand that someone I'd not going to be dressed up, highly groomed, looking their absolute best etc. at all times (post partun at all let alone breast feeding let alone with pnd) and who values that above all else (loyalty, fidelity, decency your bond, mutual support, your family together, your history etc etc) is very poor partner material. He bases his relationship and fidelity around it on looks and presentation/grooming ..... I mean the shallowness and one dimensional-ness is hard to express. Do you think he has a personality disorder.

had had "work done on her face"

Someone actually likes duck face? Actually likes obvious plastic surgery or fillers? They make people look like wax dummies or sex dolls.
I find that equally disturbing.

He sounds like he wants a sex doll type "woman". He sounds beyond superficial (and kinda dumb tbh).

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 11:15

The fact that he'd admit he tried to fuck someone else just like that too.... That's someone who's either siciospthically selfish, lacking in empathy, arrogant etc o

..... Or who doesn't really care that much about the relationship and is pretty much ok with you ending it.

If he's that shallow, it seems like he wouldn't value relationships or family much anyway.