To absolutely hate my partner right now?!

[arghhhhhhffs]

Just found out that at 6 months postpartum with our first baby my partner tried to sleep with a work colleague. The only reason it didn't happen was because she knocked him back.

At the time I had severe PND and was struggling just to get through the days, I was getting therapy for ptsd from the birth etc. I was spending all my time and energy on maternity leave trying to make sure I got well and look after our baby, putting her first, while he was trying to shag someone else.

I feel sick.

Baby is 17 months now.

What do I do??

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Personally I would never be able to get past his comments, and him saying its my fault he had sex with someone else. Ummm no! He chose to do it, I didn't make him!

However you are not me. Do you see a future where you both respect each other? A future where there is trust? Ignore love, its respect you need. If not then tell him its over. If he tries to blame you then fingers in ears and go lalalala

How do you think he can make it right? From my perspective it would eat away at me forever more.

Is it normal to feel like my self esteem is on the floor?? Like no one will ever want me?

Yes, of course it is - that's what he wants you to feel, so that you'll take his appalling mistreatment of you. It's deliberate.

Ah sorry, I wasn't saying he was ... I was just giving a similar example cenario for him (weight gain, less grooming and depression) being used as an excuse for trying to cheat with a man who's not that.

You weren't getting on .... Not unusual in the aftermath of a new baby, a tremendous amount of strain comes with them, you were also suffering from pnd.

Not getting on should result in trying to resolve the issues or separating, not cheating behind your partner's back ... Who's already dealing with pnd.

If she'd agreed, it sounds like he wouldve shagged her .... If avd when you found out he's have added infidelity and all the pain and trauma that brings to a new Mum already suffering pnd. That's beyond selfish and cruel.

She was nice to him and looked good so he thought he'd try to shag her, with a partner and baby at home ..... He doesn't have a terribly high threshold for infidelity/loyalty, does he.

He also actually sounds kinda dumb.

And the fact he's attracted to women who've visibly/noticeably had work done to their face ...... Wtf

I think anyone who'd been eg cheated on/attempted to be cheated on/dumped/rejected in any way by a partner, especially a long term partner, and esp a partner whose child they've had .... Feels like this and worries that because this person can apparently take or leave them/hadn't chosen them, that everyone else wool be the same. But it's not realistic. Everyone is different.

And cheating or attempted cheating is a reflection on the cheater, not the victim.

Jesus OP get rid, you don’t need a wanker like that dragging you down, you’re worth more than that

Think about the advice you’d want someone to give your daughter in this situation and go with that ❤️

This and what a previous poster said about "he can say you took his daughter away" ate ringing horrible alarm bells.

OP I totally get how scary it must be to consider leaving him but try and think of the end game. If you stay your giving him permission to treat you like a live in nanny and he will destroy your self worth.

Reading those reasons he gave you at a time when you were so vulnerable and surrendering everything for the well-being of his daughter, I could actually cry for you.

He is a cruel man. Think of the blue print he will create for his daughter for men in her life.

Sending you lots of love and best wishes

It doesn't matter if he is trying to create a narrative.

Those who care about you won't give a fuck about what he w´says.

And anyone who gives him the time of day can fuck off!

Perfectly put.

Does he actually help with your DD? Is he a good father to her?

Yes. Because of your dick of a husband.

But you're wrong. A decent man will

Yeah he helps with DD

When he's home that is

Of course it's normal to feel shit, blame yourself and have little to no self esteem. When my dh did this, I blamed myself, he wouldn't have done it if I'd been slimmer, if I'd invested in his hobby more, if I'd been more fun, if if if! A friend summed it up for me, she said 'you could have farted unicorn dust and he's still have done it, why? Because he's a selfish cunt and wanted to.

Unless he's grovelling and promising you the Earth it needs to be over, he needs to be truely sorry. He also needs to buck hi ideas up re the mental load which you've also mentioned.

How do you play it when he gets home? You don't, this is in him to make it better, you know the truth and it's HIM that needs to resolve this, not you

Have you asked him if there were other times with other women?

A friend summed it up for me, she said 'you could have farted unicorn dust and he's still have done it, why? Because he's a selfish cunt and wanted to.

I think I'm in love with your friend.

I felt the same and when you have LO it’s very difficult to get yourself and met new people. If you do split don’t bother with online dating. Worst thing you can do in a vulnerable place.

Yep, flatly denies this

But admits to having cheated on his ex wife several times so, who knows

What would his actions be if he found out you'd tried to cheat on him?

I'd tell him to get lost.

My father did this to my mother...he started shagging his work colleagues before I'd even started school...not long after my younger brother was born. Every time he'd end up telling her, she'd 'forgive' him (she never really did) and he'd have to leave that job, find another and that usually meant another house move for us as well. We'd moved more times than years I'd been alive before I was 5!

My father never stopped. He knew after the very first time that my mother would do NOTHING that would have any real consequence for him, so why would he stop? He had the best of both worlds. Never mind that it turned my mother into a bitter nasty person who took it out on her 3 kids. He was rarely at home so he didn't see the real damage it did. He is a very immature, shallow, nasty person, just like your partner.

He’s blaming you for his cock wanting to go wandering by suggesting he went after this other person because of grooming/appearance. that’s the reason to leave him. He is trying to make his inability to keep it in his pants your fault. That’s beyond low.

if he can’t love and see the value of you at your worst moments, he doesn’t deserve you at your best.

don’t let him make YOU feel shit about yourself. This is everything to do with his shallowness and immaturity and nothing to do with you.

You aren’t a fucking arm ornament. You are a whole person who’s sun of parts is more than just how you physically present yourself day to day.

you can have my first LTB

He doesn’t deserve a relationship with anyone, especially with his shallow version of what a woman should be in order for him to feel loving and faithful towards her.

I also really really benefit from his practical help with dd. I'd struggle alone, I'd have no support at all.